It's been a month full of
permanent smiles, resonating laughs, sleepy voices, and open hearts.
You're changing me everyday
and I couldn't be more grateful.

When your heart is too large
You forget to close the door
And stray tomcats walk on in
Where there is nourishment to feed on
And a bowl of cool milk
But when you want them gone
They send questioning glances
And wonder when you shut the window
Folowed by the slam of a door

So that's what I am to all of you.
A ******. A sinner.
Fine, so be it.
I loved like none of you have before.

Like stars in the deepest night, we expand across the darkness and fear only the empty void in ourselves.

I could feel my heart
the rapid beat of it
reverberating in my chest
sweat collecting behind my head
and in my palms
thoughts racing
God, I didn't want anyone to ask
"Who was that about?"
oh, please
anything but that
as if it were really important
but of course
the question was asked
and I looked away
smiling down at my shaking fingers
**"No one important."

I wake up every morning
wishing I could fall back asleep
and never greet the sun again

I know I'll end up drinking alone
With wine spilling onto the floor
And screams crawling up my throat

Your love for me runs true -
Freely, purely, without constraint.
Who am I to stop you?
How am I to want anyone more?

How many nights will I lay here, phone on mute and weeping, while you sleep on? When will I press that unmute button and let you into my head?

And I know I'll spend the next two months avoiding words I should've said then, so I'll opt to write them on your freckle covered shoulders and hope that you'll understand

My fingertips have grazed every inch of your skin, but I just can't get enough

"Leigh... Do you realize how serious this is?"*
So serious that I can't even tell my boyfriend?
"This isn't something you just tell someone."
Yeah, I realize that, Mr. C.
"I'm sorry, I just... I'm surprised."
So was I.
"She doesn't... seem like the type to..."
Uh huh. I didn't think so either.
"Are you sure? I mean... Sure sure?"
Absolutely.
"And you're just going to let this go?"
Absolutely.
"I admire that. It's an odd type of strength."
I don't need it.
"No, maybe not. But I admire it nonetheless."
Thanks.
"So... We're leaving this in this room?"
Uh... That was the plan.
"Alright, I understand."
Do you?
**"Unfortunatley."

It has a way of either repressing or promoting sound.
It is easier to display your innermost thoughts in it.
But it can also lower your voice, giving you a place to hide.
You can be small or large, dead or alive.
Who would know?

I am undeserving
of the sweet words you say
and the pure air you breathe  
and the love you give

The smell of you
drifts through the air,
fooling my lips
and my heart
into thinking
that you're
still here.

The abuser plays the victim...
But again,
What else is new?

Your apologies are bitter pills.
Swallow them yourself.

And for the first time in months,
I think about death.

Let's get lost
in music
in our words
in each other
I don't want to know
where I end
and where you begin
Let's lose ourselves
in eyes of love
and passion
Don't think
Just stay here
by my side
I promise
that you won't
know what
hit you

It is you and me  -- against hell.
No matter who reaches it first,
   it won't end well.

You were a child
And I got tired of babysitting

In a society obsessed with ***,
it doesn't surprise me that
it's the center of your thought process.

I won't allow myself to need someone as much as I once needed you

You are too strong to be abused,
too kind to be taken advantage of.

You watch the clock tick.
You watch my fingertips as they glide across my lips.
You watch people walk by.
You watch my spine expand as I reach across the table.
You watch clouds cover the sun.
You watch my eyes as they shift and glance your way.
You watch people eat.
You watch my neck as I move my hair to the side.
You watch people speak.
You watch my lips stretch over my teeth as I slowly smile.
You watch people interact.
You watch me fall for your eyes
   and do not blink.

New and improved: ten times more self destructive!

Your hands anchor me to this crumbling earth

I dislike the number seven.
It will forever remind me of July.
And thinking of July just causes my mind to darken all over again.

I lost a large part of the love I had for you as I read those texts.
You said you would never hurt me like he did
-- over and over and over --
   but you lied.
You hurt me more than he ever did.

I TRUSTED YOU.
God ******, I trusted you.

Will I ever forgive (completely)?
Maybe.

Will I ever forget?
No.
Never.
Heartbreak is like a dark stain on a white tablecloth --
You can try to cover it up, but it's always there.

I'm still hurting.
It still makes me cry...
You broke my heart.
   and I am still relying on myself to mend it.

You joke as if I haven't attempted suicide,
as if I haven't been *****,
as if I haven't fallen down the rabbit hole.
Why do you think it's funny?
Why do you think those words don't hurt?

I believe that all the strength you possess is enough.

All you ever wanted was to be wanted and I couldn't give you that.

Broke my heart in July
Broke my body in August

I jump for joy at the sight of your smile
Oh, how I love that smile
That ray of sunshine
That expression of glee

I am broken, bruised, scarred, and bleeding -- I do not deserve the love you give to me on a silver platter.

It takes a special kind of fool to love you

You sit in your desks and joke and laugh
But **** isn't a joke
It's real and it's sick and it's twisted
So continue to laugh
Continue to find joy in your ignorance
I'll wait

Reaching over
and not feeling your warmth
beneath my hand
is the epitome of loneliness.

I have been encompassed by the warmth of your existence

I broke my own heart --
I felt it quiver and shake with a fear unknown
Slowly, I pulled it apart
It bled and bled but I let it bleed
Pieces of you drained from under my skin
Drops of what we had landed on the bathroom floor
And I, I did nothing to stop it
No bandages, no sutures
It continued for days
And I, I did nothing to stop it