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My Bestest Hello Poetry®  *Friend

Sometimes
You can be surrounded by people
And still feel lonely
…
Sometimes
You can be with people you love
And still feel lonely
…
I just
am

So help me God, if any guy ever hurts you I will make sure he wakes up wondering where his internal organs went.

You know what I want?
I want a guy friend.
I have had two guy friends EVER
and I ended up technically dating both
...yeah, that ended badly.
Anyway,
they never really were
particularly close to me though,
when we were friends
we rarely talked
I couldn’t ask them guy stuff
I couldn’t text them random stuff
I couldn’t ask them for advice or vent to them
I wasn’t really close with them
What I want is for a guy
Around my age
So, high school age
To be my friend
Not my boyfriend
Not in a flirtationship
Just a friend
A guy in high school (so around my age)
Who I can send “hellooooo” to seven times
without them freaking out
like girls can do with their friends who are girls
A guy I can just talk to about life
Without drama
Without random *******
that always happens between girls
just a guy who can know me
inside out
who can be my “male influence”
who can tease me
who I can tease back
who I can rant to about my love life
and he can give a boy’s opinion and view on it
a guy who I can listen to
about his life
help him with his girl love life problems
a guy who is willing to trust me
a guy who will talk to me
a guy I can be REAL friends with
I just want a guy friend.
But I don’t know where to find one… :(

I really have never ever met anyone braver than you.

How to cook a gourmet (whatever the hell that means) dinner:

Step 1: Send your boyfriend a text inviting him over for a romantic, candlelit home-cooked gourmet dinner.

Step 2: Remember that you are forever alone and don’t have a boyfriend.

Step 3: Go buy mass amounts of chocolate and cry about it.

Step 4: Get over it and invite over your grandmother instead.

Step 5: Preheat the oven to 975 degrees

Step 6: Freak out about the fire in your oven and turn it off.

Step 7: Open all your doors to let the smoke out.

Step 8: Get out all the ingredients you need for the recipe you are
following.

Step 9: End up eating most of the ingredients before you even get to
use them.

Step 10: Spill oil and wine all over your recipe book (umm pffft the
wine is TOTALLY one of the ingredients, that’s why you had it out… heh heh… yeah…)

Step 11: Panic and try to dry it off by taking the book outside and waving it around.

Step 12: Watch in horror as all the pages in your book tear and fly off
into the wind.

Step 13: Chase hopelessly after the pages down the block screaming
swear words and having a heart attack.

Step 14: Politely smile and wave awkwardly at your neighbour who
hates you.

Step 15: Yell an apology across the street to that other neighbour who
REALLY doesn’t like you with the little five year old daughter who is
now repeating all of your colorful vocabulary words you just yelled.

Step 16: Reluctantly accept the fact that your recipes are gone. And also
that you have just contributed to the global problem of littering the
streets.

Step 17: Walk back to your smoke-scented house in shame.

Step 18: Look through pictures of scrumptious-looking meals on
Pinterest.

Step 19: Get inspired and decide to put your brilliant idea of creating your own recipe into action.

Step 20: Get out your frying pan and throw a bunch of random ingredients in.

Step 21: Put out yet another fire and realize that marshmallows, sprinkles, raisins, baking soda, orange peels and liquid gasoline probably wouldn’t have tasted very good together anyway.

Step 22: Wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

Step 23: Get distracted by the television for half an hour.

Step 24: Try to microwave 2 week old mac and cheese you forgot to
throw out.

Step 25: Watch as your microwave malfunctions and spontaneously
combusts.

Step 26: Decide to clean it up later because you just cannot even deal
with it right now.

Step 27: Fill a *** with water to make pasta and try to boil the water.

Step 28: Somehow manage to burn the water.

Step 29: Wonder how that even happened?!!!!

Step 30: Give up and call the pizza delivery guy.

Step 31: When you grandmother arrives have her take a seat in the
kitchen.

Step 32: Call an ambulance when she has a heart attack seeing the mess
in your kitchen.

Step 33: Get ready to leave and drive after the ambulance to the
hospital with your grandmother once the pizza arrives so you can
bring it with you. Get a call from the pizza place.

Step 34: Listen to the manager explain that your pizza spontaneously
burst into flames in the oven and they are terribly sorry there will be a
delay in the delivery due to this.

Step 35: Pass out.

I plan on going way over the top to keep you from slipping through the cracks. I know that won't fix it, but it can't hurt. I'll be here to support you no matter what. If you are broken and distant and unreachable, I'll be there to listen. If you just need someone else to talk so you can keep your mind off of your emotions that refuse to stay in your control, I will blabber on and on (I'm good at that), if you are okay but certainly not happy I will send you multiple jokes that are super unfunny to any normal person but given our sense of humor, might be kinda hilarious. If you are drowning in memories I will buy you insane amounts of chocolate and try my very hardest to draw your attention away from the past. Instead we can point out every problem with Disney princesses and speak in very offensive "Russian" (and I use that term very loosely) accents just for the hell of it.
Expect me to go over the top with this. I will be there to support you, and it will involved ALOT of chocolate!

Does anyone else ruin other people's knock knock jokes 'cause it's funny as hell? :P

example: knock knock

it's open

no!!!! knock knock!

Go away I'm sleeping!

stop it! just do it properly! knock knock!!

sigghhh who's there

Lettuce!

Oh! Hi Lettuce! Come on in, I haven't seen you in forever? How's life been? Stuff at the office going well?

NOOO!!! stop wrecking it!!!



Does anyone else get WAY more excited about the bubble wrap in their gift than the actual present regardless how old you get?

Does anyone else try to register under a username that is actually significant or symbolic somehow but every single one is taken and eventually you end up going: *pfftt ***** creativity. I'm just gonna smack my forehead into the keyboard and hope for the best. 78yl4hkjgosreiuh. there. good enough.

Does anyone else completely cover their arms in words if they have access to a pen? :P

Does anyone else stay up really late like the badass they are... to read novels in the dead of the night? :P

Does anyone else insist it isn't that cold outside and refuse to wear a thick jacket then find out it actually is freaking freezing out but refuse to admit it and think oh well, my pride will keep me warm! ...omfg im an icicle.

Does anyone else read a text from someone then have to google what one of their abbreviations or words or slangs mean instead of just asking them so they don't feel stupid?

Does anyone else laugh at RIDICULOUSLY stupid things, but can hardly breathe they are laughing so hard?

Does anyone else get that feeling where you just want to jump right out of bed? HA! yeah, me neither.