I had been keeping a safe emotional distance from her
Since she found out about the cutting, the eating disorders
and all the rest of the lies
I never really could talk to my mother
Especially since she doesn't deal
With shattered souls
Very gently
She yells when she doesn't know how to cope
And it just makes it worse
Because feelings are not logical
And she is more of a logic person
But she was in my room
Talking to me about our plans for tomorrow
Who was picking who up where and when etc.
And I had a song playing in the background
I listened too hard to the lyrics
Memories flashed back
And I burst into tears
At first she did the whole typical of her:
Grow up, get over it, stop being overdramatic and attention seeking thing
but when she saw my eyes
filled with tears
her baby daughter's eyes
in so much pain
she started crying too
and I recoiled at her embrace
I didn't want her comfort
She was never there for me
When I really needed her to be
And I am fairly unforgiving
About things like that
But I had been so alone
For so long
That year, I had spent full days
In black clothes
And total silence
Not speaking to anyone ever at all
because everyone hated me
No one wanted to be friends
With the girl who keeps getting called
To the councillor's office
And as this song brought me to tears
I couldn't take being alone anymore
So I let my mother hold me
She whisper through choked sobs: are you really still that sad about everything that happened?
And I answered in a hollow voice:
Mom. You have no idea...how broken I have been.
And she never did.
Loneliness
Is a scarring
type of agony

Listening* to them
Arguing
Swearing at each other
She criticizes his every move
He can't do anything right
He screams unforgivable things at her
She cries
And he never cries
But he leaves
For hours
Grudging
Clearly upset
I inherited her inability
To ever let things go
And when I get angry
Just like her
I scream profanities
And say what's on my mind
Letting it all out
I also inherited his grudging nature
I never forgive
I leave when I am furious
And I don't come back
I never accept an apology
I never give one either
Both traits I inherited
From each of them respectively
Are horrible characteristics
Will I be twice as bad
When I am married
If I am married
Will I fight like this
Say hateful, awful things
And never say I love you anymore?
I don't want to end up like that
I know it won't be sugarplums and glitter
I am not that delusional
But I believe
I can make an effort
To keep the romance
Alive
Even when
I have promised forever
And I hope
My relationship
Never descends
To what they have
because what is worse
than hurting
to one you are supposed
to love*?

You will never ever find out
I wore long sleeves
For a while
For a reason
A very twisted
And ****** reason

You will never find out
That I starved myself
For 5 years
Because I
Was never enough
For myself

You will never find out
I tried to **** myself
At the age of 11
Because
Girls
Can be mean and
Bullying
Eventually
Gets the better of you
And when they hate you
Pretty soon
You hate yourself too


You will never find out
I wore black
For a long time
To reflect my inner depression
But I was depressed
Long before that
For years


You will never find out
I may or may not
Have dysmorphia
I really don't think so
But my mother gets more
And more worried
Everyday
When I mutter to myself
Just out of habit
How hideous and worthless I am
When I turn out the lights
In the bathroom
When I am not wearing make up
So I do not burst into tears
Because of the shame I feel
Of my ugly, ugly face
But it's real
The mirror shows me the truth
A disease of the mind
Is not distorting
My vision
Of myself

You will never find out
How broken I was
For a very long time

And I am glad
Because you couldn't have handled it anyway.

This time, I am not so eager to please you.
I am angry with you.
You might be oblivious, but I am furious with you.
You hurt me.
Don't let it get to your head,
No, you didn't shatter my heart
Or any crap like that
Don't overestimate
Your importance in my life
But it did hurt me
And the main reasons
I kind of want to stab you (yes, I'm violent. get over it)
Is because
You wasted MONTHS of my time
Then you go and text me
Yesterday
Well, first of all
I had my traditional heart attack
When your name lit up my screen
But after the initial terror settled down
I informed all my friends you had texted me
Their responses involved a lot of offers
To ****** you if you didn't leave me alone
In very creative ways
But I decided to find out what you wanted
You "just figured it had been a while since we talked."
Ha.
I saw your exgirlfriend the other day
The one you dropped me for
In a split second
Her face was attached to some other guy's face
And that guy was not you
So it didn't work out
First of all HA.
Secondly, that just means now
You might just be going for your other back up option
Well, I am no Plan B
I do not like being a back up option
I know you are charming
I will admit that, yes.
You are very handsome
I really could never do
any better than you
If we are thinking by society's standards
But I don't want you.
Charm doesn't work on the jaded
Charm doesn't work on the hurt
Charm doesn't work on the broken
And most of all
Charm REALLY doesn't work on the homicidal
I am all four
So don't you dare underestimate my ability
To keep myself
From ever falling for you again
I will be happy however
To talk to you
To try to rekindle
whatever we had
before you left me for her
But I am so used to
playing with fire
at this point
Our spark
Will only catch you
You can't burn ashes
And all that's really left of me
in some ways
is ashes
so good luck with that
It will just burn you
and I will watch you burn
I don't actually believe
in romantic love anymore
thanks for that.
I am not one to *******
If you value your life
Or if you like to keep your limbs
actually attached to your body
I will talk to you
But I will never again
Confuse your flirting
With truth
Because you
Are a pathetic liar
And I will never fall
For your lies again
No
I know I am not pretty
No
I know that I am not “lovely”
As you used to tell me
Far too many times
For it to be true
This time
Is different
Time to prove
That I really can be cold
Time to prove
That I CAN be strong
And not swayed by words
I will never ever
Give you another chance
And I will not let any chance I get
Slip by
To hurt you
The way you hurt me
I will happily waste your time
like you wasted mine
I hope I get the chance
to drown you
in all the pathetic tears
I cried for you
and if my friends
ever get a hold of you
they will probably
Voldemortify you
you will miss your nose
when they detach it from your face
...you should probably hide
because an old flame's wrath
is nothing
compared
to an old flame's best friends' wraths
This time
will be different
I am not desperate
I no longer am amazed by you
I no longer see you
as this unattainable daydream come true
I now see you for what you are
a player
and a liar
who can't make up
his own freaking mind
so this time
the table will be turned
you want to play again?
Alright, player
I look forward
to winning this time
and then
you will be sorry
you ever crossed me
this time.