You matter
You were placed here with two feet, two hands
For walking, for touching
Two eyes for looking
Looking into two other eyes
Looking into the vast ocean realizing no matter how small you are you matter
You are matter
You, regardless of the background noise, matter so much that if you were gone that piece of matter would not and could not be replaced
The eyes you saw and the places you walked and the people you touched would forever remember
Would forever miss
And would forever be missing
You.

people know what they are capable of
you knew that you would ruin me
before you even knew me
and yet,
that didn't stop you

I felt at home with you but
Home to me meant broken
And I didn't want to love something else that could break into pieces
If home is where your heart is
Mine is scattered throughout history
It's never been altogether at once
And I don't think it ever will be

there are two sides to every story
it took me a long time to see
what i called our story
you called yours.

you wanted me to show you so
i unzipped my chest
took out my heart
and displayed it in a glass case
i waited for you to speak but
you walked away instead.
i should have known
when you told me about your collection of hearts
it wouldn't stop
at mine.

I thought I knew myself in the city but everything I knew turned out to be everything I hated
Now I'm just alone and a shell of who I used to be
Staring at the streetlights
Hoping they will guide me home

I sat in fear of rejection,
Wanting you to pull me close.
We both knew we were wrong,
But for once,
I wanted wrong to be right.

i am giving you time
but i don't know
if i'm being patient
or naive

I'm in a race with myself and I'm not winning.

Why do I think I loved you,
When I didn't even like you?
I find all of the reasons I can to hate you:
Your condescending humor,
Your manipulating smile,
The way you made me feel small, smaller than I've ever felt before.
All of these are real reasons,
Valid reasons,
Truthful reasons,
But I think the biggest reason,
The saddest, and really only reason,
is that you didn't love me back.

I don’t know what hurts more, you moving on or my inability to.

Resistance. You don’t even realize you’re restraining yourself until one day you wake up and haven’t had an emotional connection in you don’t know how long. You associate *** with repetitive motion. You thought you knew who you were and you thought you were this passionate being. You look in the mirror and hate what you see so you avoid mirrors altogether. You want to cry but that’s the worst part. You can’t even shed a tear. "What a terrible thing to have to feel things so deeply". What an even worse thing to feel nothing at all.

You may have disconnected yourself but the thing is,
this shell of a person is who you are now,
and you can't even bring yourself to care.

I see the stars in your eyes and I forget,
That this is what darkness looks like.

The tears that fall on these blank pages will remain
unseen
unheard
and unjustified.
I'll only know of the pain that brought them about,
and the source of their infidelity to my heart.
Only in thought are we not alone,
but only in sharing our thoughts can we cure our sickness.
I'm weak,
all I want to do is shut down,
People are counting on me,
People are counting on me.
So I speak.

Sweet flower,
As your petals float to the ground around you,
It may look to the outside world you are dying,
But it is when you are left as a shell of what you used to be,
Stripped down,
A stem,
That is when you come to life.

Sweet flower,
You've never looked more beautiful.

If only you had given me a flesh wound.
Something easier to heal.

If only you had stabbed me a few times in the gut,
One to the leg, one to the arm,
Left me with a couple bruises,
I could have dealt with that harm.
You ****** me up right,
Not only ****** my mind but
Taking your dagger and dragging it up my spine.
You saw me in the garden, growing about my days and you
Ripped me out of the ground in nothing but your spiteful haze.
I wish I had something, to offer to anyone I meet,
But I feel ****** dry,
Can’t even balance using my own two feet.
If I could leave an automatic message to those who come my way,
It would be *“she no longer lives here, go about your day”

The world gives us art everyday,
And everyday,
I struggle to thank it.
We forget we are not the creators,
Builders or movers.
We are the tenants,
We do not own the land we reside on,
We are temporarily keeping it warm,
Waiting for a fire to start.

Looking for stability
I can't seem to stand
Won't someone around me
Just please hold my hand

i wish i knew what to say to you
what you wanted
you never tell me
anything
you just blame me
we aren't moving forward
and i have no interest in reliving a past
filled with so much pain.

I sat and wondered
everyday
wondered why
why me
why this life
answers?
none.
I only had myself,
and all I did was wonder.

I constantly crave the worst things for me
And I always give in
Its too tempting to taste something I used to know
Because lately
I feel like I don't know anything
I'm so lost
I constantly crave to feel at home.

Staring at me through blank eyes
What I thought was inside
Turned out to be a spiral of doubt
The only thing that turned out to be real
Was the lesson I learned
The slap in the face
And the reality check
That not all people are looking to love
Some just want the surface
The smudges on the glass
Distorting what you see of yourself
My reflection in you was my self worth disappearing
Apologetic for who I am
And my belief of wrong
And right
I could have loved you
Now you're just one more lonely girl
Too stubborn to be anything else
Just know I could have loved you

I still am terrified of the flames
I've always been
But maybe if you held my hand
I wouldn't be.

each page of our story
gave me paper cuts
by the time i was finished
my hands were sketched in blood
reminding me of every time i tried to turn a page
and you refused.

i stood in front of you
a shell of a girl
and with every shaking breath
i tried to stand tall
show you i was incapable of quivering
show you i was cool enough
good enough
brave enough
but the truth was i was running out of air
and every cover-up
proved to cover-up another piece of me
you would never know
when i gasped for my last breath
i collapsed
and it wasn't your arms that caught me
it was the floor
and there i stayed until morning
where the bright sunlight exposed the bruises
and all I could do
was let time do the healing

I’m not sure if you are meant to be mine,
but something inside of me is willing to wait.

I’ve never felt this before,
this calmness.

I know if I push,
you will not be ready,
you will not be healed.

I want all of you, forever,
not some of you now.

So I will wait until the sun shines in your bedroom again,
until the air re-enters your lungs once you’re finally breathing.
I will be waiting for you when you are reborn,
and you can be in comfort knowing:
you will never have to go through that alone again.

Sometimes I think I'm helping make you happy
But then I remember
I don't know what that word means

You're lying here with me
I'm already getting dressed
Everybody leaves
It's just a matter of when
I thank the others
For teaching me I can survive
Without

I said goodbye to happiness a long time ago in hopes
It would come back to me
But I've learnt
once you say goodbye to something
even if it comes back
It's never the same.

I dont know how you could see my heart
See how it beats slow
And still make me run to you
Out of breath
Just to see how far i can make it
Before it stops beating
All for you
I think im done chasing other people
Who want to see me die

oh how easy it was for you to undress me
caress me
impress me

I'm not a fool
just a girl
still not able to decipher between loves
knowing when it's the real thing
and when it's just people like you
looking to read a front cover
but never a whole book

oh how easy it was for you to tease me
and leave me

Feelings climb out of me constantly
Twisting my stomach and pulling at my heart
For once
I wish i didnt feel sick
So nauseated by my emotions
So extreme
Stuck inside
Such a fragile case.

i thought having you over was a good idea
i thought loving you was a good idea
you taught me
sometimes good ideas
are actually bad ideas
disguised  
in soft lips
using words without meaning
now my room is outlined with thoughts of you
in the darkest shade of grey
and no matter how many times
I bleach these sheets,
your memory is a stain I can't get out

I don't know what to do,
with the things life has given me.
Maybes,
Changes,
And too many "ifs".

I don't know if anybody will ever stay.

Where are you going,
And,
Can I come with you?

I'm lost between what I said and what I did.
The separation from my words and actions,
Lets me stay calm and in the body I live.
I don't feel at home here.

Where am I going?
Point it out on a map.
In this head of mine I am already in the clouds,
Counting stars,
One, two, three.

Until the world goes dark,
I will keep counting stars.
One, two, three.

i know something doesn't feel right,
you know it's got to feel right.

i wish it felt right,
but no one ever taught you how to wish.

so maybe that's why I'm still here
and maybe that's why you're not.

I put a piece of my heart away for a long time,
You know after a while,
You forget where you put something?
Until one day,
When you're not even looking,
You find it,
And you promise yourself you will never lose sight of it again.

before i met you
i deserved better
now,
you do.

I often wonder what it takes
to be able to swim in a tide
as tough as yours.
every time you look at me
i drown.

I'm just a cloud in a dark sky and
The only stars I see are in your eyes
The more I stare,
The darker I become.
I said I didn't want to lose myself but,
I feel like getting lost in you would be worth while.

Talk to me
Until you can't see
The sense in taking your life.

I'm here for you.

this was
your chance
to show me
who you were
i learned i knew all along
i just didn't want to believe it.
this was
your chance
to prove me
wrong.

People see my smile and they see
Innocence and integrity
They see one girl in one piece
Not broken in pieces
People see my smile and what they don't see
Is me.

I love you
came out of your mouth
for the first time
without the dustings of
obligation.
at 23,
for the first time,
I believed it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing,
But then I think there's nothing to be won.
My friends have lies in their eyes and stabs in their hearts from the ones they truly loved,
Who they thought loved them back.
Does anyone know what the word means anymore?

sipping on something
stronger than water
is the only time
i can feel something
stronger.

I just want someone to tell me
It's okay to be myself
When I don't think it is.

I love you how I'll leave you,
With all of my heart.
I have nothing left to give,
So they remain strangers.
My heart always belonged to you,
I'm not sure why I tried selling myself to anyone else.

to everyone ive ever loved
i never wanted to lose you
to everyone who said they loved me
i wish you felt the same
you ripped your way right through my fingers
and just let me
slip away
you didnt really love me
loving to me means
never letting go.

I watched the flowers on my bedside die
and I thought of us.

When the storm ends we are left with silence, which sometimes, is even more painful.