Why did we meet,
If we can’t be together?
Life is splashing its power in our faces,
Like cold water,
On a freezing winter’s day.
And as each piece of my hair freezes,
I slowly become brittle and empty.
It’s like you’re waiting at home with a warm towel,
But home is thousands of miles away,
And I’m scared that the journey to bring me to you,
Will be too hard for my heart to handle.
I’m scared of giving up.
I’m scared of letting go.
For all I keep dreaming of is thawing in your arms,
And feeling the warmth that only you can give me.
I guess I’ll just keep hoping,
That I never wake up.

It was summer,
I was eighteen.
The lake was new to me,
Everything was new to me.

Excitement dressed my face in soft pink and sweat,
I jumped in with my eyes closed,
Held my knees tight,
The water hit my toes,
It was cold,
A cold I hadn’t felt before
And not until I was met
With a warm towel
Did I feel safe.

My lips were blue and
My knees shook,
I sat in a ball on the dock,
Looked to the moon
And the stars seemed to cradle my thoughts,
I was safe.

I know one day,
The urge to jump will set in,
But for the amount of time it took
For the pink in my cheeks to resurface,
I think for now,
I will sit with my towel,
Thoughts in the stars,
Waving to each passenger swimming by,
Wishing them well.

She was a part of her.
It was more than just blood.
Although when hers flowed slowly, as did hers.
The moon shone from her eyes and reflected into everyone she met.
They lit up entire rooms, entire buildings, entire cities when she arrived.
Something changed about everyone she left behind.
They didn't know what she had done to them,
but they would one day find out.
For her hair was as soft as a new wool sweater, fresh from it's very first wash,
and her skin as soft as a baby's.
She had the innocence of a child, but the weight behind her wisdom of a woman taking her last breath.
Even her smallest motions filled the air with warmth.
Her wave hugged you even if she was standing a mile away.
You could find her on a cloudy day sitting under a tree,
doing nothing but everything all at once.
What went on in that brain of hers, no one would understand.
Thousands and thousands of atoms dancing around, to the happiest pop song and saddest love ballad, all at the same time, never taking a rest.
To the outside world, her smile was so magical it could cure all of the ailments that plagued it, in just one grin.
She never stayed in one place for too long to be able to do so,
for on the contrary she only thought of herself as a cloud,
grey and full in space, taking up too much.
She always ended up leaving, running away,
in fear that after a while people might have found out her secret,
that she wasn't so perfect after all.

The sunset takes with it any light I have left in my soul,
Releasing darkness, all encompassing.
I’m scared.
I’ve developed a feeling that all words spoken aren’t meant,
I’ve learnt distance instead of searching for the truth.
I cut it all out,
I cut you out.
Your hands on my shoulders as they make their way to my waist feel rehearsed,
Stale, meaningless,
Done before with long haired girls, skinny girls,
Believing you.
I’m envious of their innocent eyes,
I’ll never be rejuvenated, cleansed of the evil that was instilled upon me too early.
I’ll fight as hard as I can and with all the breath I have to wrestle with my foes that live inside me but they always prevail.
I’m caged in this body that has been torn apart by almost everyone who has come in contact with it.
It’s been abused a few too many times that it will be thrown in the pits that house the other corpses when we reach our final destination.
I’m just waiting to cross over,
And hoping there I get some rest.
My back is bruised and my arms are sore, they fall at my side and that’s where they stay.
I don’t dare raise my hand in request, or answer.
I have no voice, lost it a long time ago,
Listening to words like “shut up” and “*******”.
So forgive me if I am a man of few words, or if I don’t speak at all.
The chances of you being just like all the rest are too high,
And I’ve ruthlessly gambled my life away before, to risk the possibility you might be different is one I’m not willing to take.
If you are, it would challenge everything I believe and I’ve grown too comfortable protecting myself to let you through my walls.
If you aren’t any different, I’m sure my body would wrinkle into a mere casing, nothing but existing, waiting to die.
I’m not sure my body could be frailer, weaker, or more damaged; I also don’t want to find out.
So I stay silent.
Sometimes words out loud don’t hold the solution.
Sometimes silence is the only peace I can reach,
That’s what is so intriguing about the other side,
I hope that it’s quiet.
I hope my haven is quiet.
I don’t need birds singing,
or a babbling brook.
Yes, I might be selfish,
but if I don’t look out for myself,
no one else will.
I’m all I have.
I’ve simply accepted my fate,
I just hope it happens sooner than later,
I’m growing tired of plugging my ears to the noise around me.

You shield yourself with silver and gold,
I see right through.
What I'm seeing,
is empty space.
Have fun being chased.
Running is entertaining for a while,
until you run out of breath.

Maybe it isn't who's right and who's wrong,
in matters to do with the heart.
Maybe we're actually all just scared witless,
of the uncertainty that lies behind the word 'restart'.

your eyes met mine like,
closing time.
the lights came on,  
and I went home.

this is the last time you'll drag your dagger through my mind
im silencing the thoughts
readjusting the locks
just to keep you out.
don't try and break in,
theft is in your blood and im not yours to steal.
your mask won't trick me the next time
your face is engrained in my mind
and i'll never forget
i could never forget
i'm just out of things to give
so please stay out this time.

I took my teardrops back from the ocean.
They took a while to find,
But after all of the work it took,
I really didn't mind.

I came to find my childish laugh,
In the middle of the sea,
the smile I left, I forgot I had,
things once so unimportant to me.
I get why you have to pay a fee,
To appreciate their authenticity,
And how they make you you,
Separate from the rest,
Like a unique little badge,
shining brightly on your chest.

Without them you feel alone,
the world appears so cold.
But the right person should enhance them,
At least that's what I'm told.

The one who was the last,
had me throw myself away,
and when he up and left,
I felt nothing but astray.

So I don't plan on swimming,
For quite a long time,
Not until the right person comes,
And together we're sublime.

I live in constant fear,
Of being forgotten.
But if forgotten means,
Only known by those I truly love,
Why am I scared?

I pause to breathe at the points in between.
That is all I have time for.
I catch my breath, just to lose it again.

I want to stop for a moment.
For longer than a moment.

Maybe that is where we go wrong.
We constantly are trying to escape the present.

I look around as my eyes end up clouded in a fog,
subconsciously I take my mind anywhere but here.

I suddenly feel insignificant,
and all of the distractions I thought were real unmask themselves,
one by one,
my world crumbles apart.

Don’t be fooled.

None of this really matters,
and if you believe that something does,
I feel sorry for you.

The spot that you were
was the spot you could've stayed
my feelings got the best of me
you got the best of me
what kills me was
the best of me
wasn't enough
now that spot is empty
and all i want back
is the best of me

I’m back in a hole.

I can’t feel myself,
my thoughts are lost.

The fluorescents of the city shine so bright because they **** the inner light from each soul wandering through it's streets.

Maybe,
we're all just imitating someone we saw once,
Trying to be all of the people we've decided we respect and admire.
Maybe,
None of us are truly unique to ourselves,
But rather a collection of our favourite minds,
Put together as best we can.

So forgive me if I falter,
I'm just trying to make you proud.
I'm just trying to make myself proud.
And sometimes,
Most of the time,
I'm not sure who that is.

I think I've cried for as long as I can,
my ducts have run dry.
The lidocaine replaced the blood in my veins and I've never felt more alive.

Numbness has become my life's sanctuary.

Never thought it would be the answer,
and maybe it's the alcohol,
but I'd rather be an alcoholic than be invaded by a cancer.

like when i stared into the night sky
expecting to feel relief, wonder, and awe
and instead felt lost, alone, and small
something never felt right with you.

How are we supposed to know truth,
When all we spit are lies,
To ourselves the most,
Salivating until we become the ties,
That keep them together.

I wish I could reach out,
Grab what you call your honesty,
And choke it to death,
To teach you the meaning of friendship.

Here's your money back,
I'm sorry I can't give you your time,
I'm a shell of a girl,
but don't worry,
on the outside I'll be fine.

I hope their lips
Aren't as soft
As mine were
When we first kissed.

There are feelings I have left in the corners of my mind.
If I let them make their way into my heart,
I’m not sure I could handle them in the way they should be handled.
Sometimes, I can hear their silent screams wanting to be let out,
but I distract myself with sweet nothings to pass the time until they quiet down.

I distract myself with feelings my heart can handle,
with feelings you can handle.
For if I showed you my mind,
I’m not sure you’d see me the same.

I’m not sure my mechanism is right,
but anything that keeps you in my life longer than yesterday,
is my only end goal.

So the thoughts will stay silenced,
and the love I feel will be tamed.
Until one day you’ll be able to handle them.
Until one day we combine our strength.
Until you can latch onto my palms and intertwine our fingers.
Until you stare into my eyes so deep I won’t even have to speak for you to see my soul.
Until you can touch my chest and feel the beating of my heart,
the pounding of my heart when I look at you.

You will be my peace.
The balance between these corners and my heart.

Although I feel that this time may never come,
at least for now I can control myself to keep you in my life.
And at least for now,
that’s enough.

Not until I met you did I realize
how hard I was trying with everyone else.

I'm not really sure if I meant anything to you.
I'm not really sure you cared.

A piece of me wanted you to tell me to wait,
to tell me that I was right in waiting.

You probably think I'm just like everyone else.
You probably have no clue how many times a day I thought about you.

You don't even realize how much you mean to someone.
And for that, I kind of resent you.

The only good things in life are those that have been untouched by man.
The worst part about humans:
They're unaware.

How much power their hands have.
How much damage they can do.

Be careful of who you touch,
you can’t just leave afterwards.

Although..
most people think you can.

Disappointment lies on the other side of opening your eyes so I only kiss you with my eyes closed tight.  Seeing people for who they really are is something that has made me lose hope in the past. If I saw you I'm not sure I'd like you but drunk and with my lips on yours I do, and I'm not sure I know the difference. Real and fake are close friends who trust eachother too much without question. You told me you were real but then you didn't stop when I said no and I started to think that all I was to you was just a body. Suddenly real and fake became distinct and all I wanted to do was close my eyes.  Maybe the shame wouldn't feel so bad or maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. Maybe you'd be who I wished you were, maybe you'd be who I saw before I opened my eyes.

People see my smile and they see
Innocence and integrity
They see one girl in one piece
Not broken in pieces
People see my smile and what they don't see
Is me.

if there ever comes a day
where you don't feel loved
remember I love you
I never forgot you
I remember you every second
of every day
I hope my feelings for you
travel through space and time
comfort you when you're about to sleep
surround your thoughts
and whisper i love you one million times over

And in the moments i feel im not alone
Someone rips the rug right under me
Just to remind me that
I am.

this was
your chance
to show me
who you were
i learned i knew all along
i just didn't want to believe it.
this was
your chance
to prove me
wrong.

there are days
i think i've found
the right ones
there are days
i think i know
i'm not alone
these are not
most days
but i wish they were
i fake that i'm okay with it
truth is
i've been longing for love
but it's hiding everywhere i cannot see.

Knees weak
I walked so far to find you
And you walked right past

you told me that you loved me
so i lit a match and
watched the words
go up in flames
in front of me
i swallowed the words
i love you too

on my own,
I can accept myself
it's when other people enter my mind
that I crumble
thinking of how vulnerable I have to be
to let someone in
to my garden of weeds  
hoping that they have the patience
to see that weeds are still
growth
i have not let my soil run dry
i have just
lost sight of how to grow
anything else.

I'm lost between what I said and what I did.
The separation from my words and actions,
Lets me stay calm and in the body I live.
I don't feel at home here.

Where am I going?
Point it out on a map.
In this head of mine I am already in the clouds,
Counting stars,
One, two, three.

Until the world goes dark,
I will keep counting stars.
One, two, three.

How can I please you?
How can I please you?
How can I please you?

By losing myself.

Everyone is distracted
It wouldn't be until I was drowning
That anyone would notice I jumped

Talk to me
Until you can't see
The sense in taking your life.

I'm here for you.

I don't know what to do,
with the things life has given me.
Maybes,
Changes,
And too many "ifs".

I don't know if anybody will ever stay.

Where are you going,
And,
Can I come with you?

You're lying here with me
I'm already getting dressed
Everybody leaves
It's just a matter of when
I thank the others
For teaching me I can survive
Without

I’m not sure if you are meant to be mine,
but something inside of me is willing to wait.

I’ve never felt this before,
this calmness.

I know if I push,
you will not be ready,
you will not be healed.

I want all of you, forever,
not some of you now.

So I will wait until the sun shines in your bedroom again,
until the air re-enters your lungs once you’re finally breathing.
I will be waiting for you when you are reborn,
and you can be in comfort knowing:
you will never have to go through that alone again.

each page of our story
gave me paper cuts
by the time i was finished
my hands were sketched in blood
reminding me of every time i tried to turn a page
and you refused.

We're still kids,
Don't you see?
I'm still sitting on the staircase,
Listening to you scream,
Waiting until it's safe to fall asleep.

My life has turned into moments on the staircase,
Heart tense,
Hands over my ears,
Biting back tears,
Wanting it to end.

Sweet flower,
As your petals float to the ground around you,
It may look to the outside world you are dying,
But it is when you are left as a shell of what you used to be,
Stripped down,
A stem,
That is when you come to life.

Sweet flower,
You've never looked more beautiful.

The love you share
Is one i want
One i dont think ill ever get
Not that it is out of reach
Just that
Everything i end up grabbing
I squeeze too hard
Everything i end up grabbing
Crumbles.
At least
I can watch the people around me
Maybe that will be enough

Just when I think I'm fine,
You reach out,
Pull me in ,
and I remember what it was like when you were mine.
I want to go back,
but turning around has always proven pointless,
the ending is always the same.
There are books I would love to re-read,
but you are not one of them.

I loved you,
And it's taken me this long to see,
The past years of my life have been passing by,
racing by.
I'm standing at the train stop,
Watching as each comes to pass,
Not actually stepping on,
Just letting the breeze it brings touch my hair and dishevel me.
Much like how I describe you and I,
We never really made the leap,
We were never really going anywhere.

The world gives us art everyday,
And everyday,
I struggle to thank it.
We forget we are not the creators,
Builders or movers.
We are the tenants,
We do not own the land we reside on,
We are temporarily keeping it warm,
Waiting for a fire to start.

I'm just a cloud in a dark sky and
The only stars I see are in your eyes
The more I stare,
The darker I become.
I said I didn't want to lose myself but,
I feel like getting lost in you would be worth while.

I wonder how much time has to pass
for feelings to fade away forever
I haven't seen you in years yet
I still love you like you never left.

I still am terrified of the flames
I've always been
But maybe if you held my hand
I wouldn't be.

i thought having you over was a good idea
i thought loving you was a good idea
you taught me
sometimes good ideas
are actually bad ideas
disguised  
in soft lips
using words without meaning
now my room is outlined with thoughts of you
in the darkest shade of grey
and no matter how many times
I bleach these sheets,
your memory is a stain I can't get out

You're just a placeholder
Filling in the space
I use you
The same way
you use me
Only when we're lonely.