The emotional pain at times has been unbearable
Yet I bore it all
God knew my will

The blanket has holes in it
It scratches like a pin
It is rough
It's prickly
Sensitive on skin
It wraps too tight
Restricting
Movement afflicted
Struggle to breathe
Bound by the plight

Beneath it all
Spirit in flight

In love
In light

Kissing the night
Flying in the sunlight
Free and fancy
No pain in sight

Just
Divine

Pain          
propeller
Let
it
         turn      
           and
   move
  you      
forward

I tried to be normal the other day
It felt strange

I've been shaking this afternoon with panic attacks
I got use to looking after myself in these times
My dog lays beside me

You see ****
I see peaks of nature reaching from the stream of the heart
You see *** cheeks
I see a seat connecting with grounds start
You see thighs spread apart
I see the gateway to true loves shaft
You see body naked and filthy
I see beauty
Vessel of the soul
&
a fine art

Broken

Falling

apart

In it's destruction I see art

Building blocks to start again

Putting on the plaster

Giving time

to

mend

They tried to break my leg
Drag me down the hill
Twist it
Snap it from the shin
Woke up
a little pained

This week I've felt intense emotions
At night they have made me shake
I feel the death of me
It's ego it never likes to leave
I see the images of harm in my minds eye
I watch as I let them drift bye bye
It's ok to be with
To cry
To release the pain held deep inside
I lay under a comforter and comforted even in my shaking resistant ways
I knew not all motions last and there is a deeper insight ready to emerge

On the wings of ravens messages soar
from heavens gate
to
earthly
door
Lookout to the ground follow the eyes to their surround
Presence is felt
Awareness of selves
Guide reside from other side
to gift to you
tidings of truth

Some days I would like to relax this clenched jaw of mine
I do at times smile
But I feel from the wounded child
I see your wounds from your words, actions
What you leave unsaid
I just feel it
It's just the way it's been
I have learnt to love through it all

Look to the flowers
Look to the trees
Look to the green pasture
See the beauty reflected in your eyes

The path took me to psychology
Learning about behavior and conditioning of others
Taught me a lot about mine
Why we do what we do
Why we say what we say
Why we feel what we feel
How we direct that from ourselves to others
Why understanding is gain

My mother only speaks to me when I phone her
I haven't seen her for a year and maybe nine months
My dad means well but constantly criticizes
I'll see him a few times a year
I have to keep doing the healing work to forgive and to myself and for the pain I feel
Some days are easier than others

Teenage years growing up on fears
Escalate when in sorry state drinking down the beers
Playing games in outdoor place
Where the headstones and bodies rest
Came across a name my great nan she has the same
Sorrowful and tired
Lay down on ground of grave
Tears roll from eyes exhausted of faking brave
Telling all my tales
Of how I weep inside
Struggle to immerse and grow with this present life
Never known alive, in spirit connect to thrive
Felt closer to death than those on the outside
Secrets we do tell when push comes to shove
Cathartic to talk
Even if they do not walk above
Though absent still a sense of love
Begin to clean up dirt and pave
Leave with clearer space
Cemetery secrets
Shared
to
the
grave

Twisting vipers
**** your poison dry
Unhealthy fragments turn to ashes
Charming spirit of the sky
Feel the music
Sweet sentient lullaby
Heartfelt soothing
Cherished love
beyond
drawn lines
Gifted to remind
Inside
your presence
Deep with
mine

You are loved
You are love
Your inner spirit knows this all too well
Bring yourself back to love
Let's make a daisy chain
Daisies represent true love
We are all daisies
Let's bloom
From
within
And share
to those
we love and care for you
And grow to the whole of humanity

Walking home from work today
The van drives past and I see the words it say
Skyline
I look up and around no, nothing obvious
Just blend of grey and white clouds sun obscured
Look back down
Keep walking
Look back up
The sun gleams from behind cloud
Shapes appear
So very bright I probably shouldn't peer
The form of light and cloud makes two wings either side of a
light body
Angelic!
I smile :-)
Then on my way a little while
Song on the headset
Sing of heart beats
Just at my feet a heart shape leaf
I smile again :-)
Walk a while more
The Y keeps appearing in the sky
On the floor
In nature
On van door
Signs from above
Symbols of love
Further down the path a flower
Pink pretty looked out of place looked like it was being presented as a gift
Turn into next street
Shop window a pink flower image with heart inside
Made me overjoyed and feel alive
I smiled
for some time :-D
What's to become of this heart of mine
I was thinking....
as I see a truck up in front with King on trunk
It's all mystic
to me

The house                sanctum
   is an inner
The world can show us a view
But it is up to us to do the work
to bring ourselves back to
heart
Back to our
love
💗

Letting go
I use to
I can but I feel the strong resistance now
It's tense to release

You are Divine
You shine from within
You have always been and always will
You are the love you so often want to give away
You are unconditional in every way
Life seems to forget this
Lessons along the stay
Faith connects us back to this place
We go into our selves and the source of all is known
Our love eternal
Spiritual
Divine
Whole
We in essence are home

The day awakens as a freshly framed canvas
Primed for paint to create
Surface ready for its masterpiece
See what mood it takes
A little dark here
A little light there
Colours blending to one
Bright vivid imagery
Such sights to gaze upon
Creating lines and symmetry
Shapes along the way
A soft stroke here
A deeper brush there
The tools within your hand
A portrait pic or scenic far away land...
You have to ability to make
We are passionate about for which we ache
Add a pinch of magic touch
Starry night to top the day
Don't ask me though
There's only a scintilla of base in this handcrafted display

Strangers have become friends
They have offered a kind word of support and been around in the highs and the lows
I always wondered why
It's sometimes difficult to let yourself be liked
With what you've known

The meditation brings up the body to relax and the feelings and emotions to the light
I felt as the tears streamed from my eyes
I heard the internal chatter the dialog of the reasons for the pain
The strain
The lack of feeling of gain
Failures reign
The stories of worthlessness and the criticisms stain
The ones who have walked away or not been too close
Wondering why they couldn't love me
Also sensing they did what they could from the place they were at
And how I still love me even through and after all that

I've been humbled in this life many times
But my ego can still be a ******* *******

How to keep the collective down
Feed them fear
Lies
Media drivel despise
Keep them low
Get them ill or create their sickness through the mind
Keep them powerless
You get what you tap into
Your cells are listening vibrating with frequency lines

Want to raise the collective up
Go inwards learn to discern
See the truth
Understand the illusions
See the circus and it's platform curtains
Open them
Draw them wide
Glow from inside
Shine your light
Bright!

Earth's well-being comes back to us
It's contracting for expansion
Experiencing the same for us to come back to own sense of love
To radiate our intentions out to the world
To see feel God's love divine expression in each and every boy, man, woman and girl
Nature to ground us bring us unconditional love
Centering our core to earth's heart of home
Spreading from within to flow out
to
every
one

On the journey of awakening my pain became so immense I held a cross in my hand and asked God for help

Holding that cross at one time was the only deliverance I found

I was still in pain but it was bearable

I felt God was with me in my darkest times

When I asked to die if that was to be God kept me living

When I surrendered in mercy

God renewed the senses

Resurrection for
life

Manipulation I'm not a fan of it
So I learn't to dance with it

His voice so soothing
I can hear the balance in him
The strength but the sensitivity
When it is time for him to leave
I must let him go
Man has free will

Buddha statue
Your symbolism Divine
With your non attachment and impermanence in life
Now you hold a good friend in mind
And if they leave as set to go off separate way
It stands to reason it's life's journeys sway
Though if you are around and stay
The statue sits present still

The pain brought me inside myself
It was the only place to go

The shakes they happen when I have to go out
I just go with it

After all the storms
The warmth feels so much more
The kindness is beautiful
It's difficult at first to not call back with a roar but you let it settle    in
It's magnified within
Any act of kindness or support
It's appreciated
Deeply cherished

I woke up to a nightmare was it from my own doing or from my God
Or was it there all along and
now
I could finally see

The Witch the ***** the Karma Queen
The victim the abused the has been
The fool the joker the clown around town kings tell all vow
The beggar The pauper The humble or needy bellow
The King The Majestic The Power fellow
The Queen The Priestess The Empress ruler
The maiden The Mother The crone
The good man The masked
The shadow The villain
The energetic civilian
Just a few to mention

Do you ever have so much rage
You isolate yourself to not burn everyone else in the process

I'm tired today
but that's ok
cause I'm birthing
my
self

All in balance
I like to give and take in the bedroom
Take when I feel and give when I feel

Judge not and ye shall not be judged
Well I judge!  

Did you judge that?
Nothing wrong with a little discernment

Gatekeepers of no time no face
Come to me in deathly state
Watching to observe not hate
And in the hour you awake
World's images rushing through your veins
The inner world paints your home and gaze
Shadows matching restless hallows
Silhouettes of shade
You fear until the fear runs tired and you become the watcher
Do you have a face
Cause you see you in everyone
In every place
State
Sleeping
Awake
Day mind merges with nighttime and you peer between the life and the dream
Thoughts are clouds passing through space to meet with another
To be joined
An energy center travelling across lands
No distance no separation
They are you you are them
But the space between says otherwise
The sky cries
Tears dry
And mourning sighs
Until the warmth is reflected in your eyes
And the sun can rise
To meet with you again

To them what is a woman
Is a woman someone who does the chores
Is she the body for the seed to bore
Is she the image of a well defined man
Is she the ***** who will do all she can
Is she the one that must obey
Is she watching so far away

She could reason with reason but
intuition is where she felt it

Many think they know me but I would rather be admired for my wisdom than my body
I love my body don't get me wrong
It's my vessel and I've worked on it to get strong
But my mind is the intimate place
My soul Divine state

Hearts have been beaten
Trodden to the core
Fragmented and sodden in the pressing downpour
Cracked open as a hatchet strikes door
That's one way to let the sunlight in
The walls are bare but the sun enters the room
The shadow cast from what once thought filled the occupying lair
Now the contrast is obvious and the vision aware
Though without the break would we be
Without the contrast would we see
Would we need to
The home would still be the shelter but would we walk around with our eyes closed forever bumping into things
Blaming the surroundings for how we have let ourselves live
The opposition could be viewed as a gift
The awakening to our own being
The mending through the seeing, the feeling, the believing, the deceiving
The door doesn't need a replacement
The living room just needs some internal consideration
To furnish the home with love
Own hearts decoration

I lie back
Scan the body
Each part I make heavy and relaxed
Sinking into the earth
The bed as support
The muscles loosening to the weight
Then I let the truth of feeling come up in body
I feel the throttling tightness in my throat, the sharpness in my chest,  the aches all around and the churning in my stomach
I lay with the discomfort
Staying still and as relaxed as I can as I do
The sensations bloom and I let them flow
To just be
I can stay with this feeling
Each time I feel it more or less in one or another place
I place my hand on my heart provide compassion acceptance and a comforting reassurance
I let a wave flow through my body as I come back to the room
And I make it through every time

I now throughout my day let the anxious feeling come up for air until it dissipates ...
I've ran away for too long.

I put myself out there and I was met with a number of different views
Some opposing some supportive some disrespectful or crude
I found a wise man
I watched him online
I saw his expression of the one and how the blessing can come from the accused and to
How once we face our perishing
We feel we have nothing to lose
We let life swallow us
Now we open wide and take life in
Live a little and
We begin

I've felt in survival mode most my life
Fight or flight
I've struggled to relax

I don't know what to think anymore
I feel stuck
I'm so tired and I'm hurting deep
I don't know if I deserve what happens
I know I can speak out of turn when I get frustrated so it comes back up
A lot gets thrown in my face
It effects my self worth
I'll forgive they will be sorry again
This is the best from family I've ever known everyone else just left or constantly condoned
Will this ever get better
I wander