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FIVE!...

excitement building

FOUR!....

glasses are filled

THREE!...

staring into each other's eyes

TWO!...

closer, anticipation

ONE!..

this is it

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

everyone fades into the background
lips connect
fireworks explode
a show just for them
pull apart
sound returns around
they are now left silent

*
an inferno was lit
Happy New Year HP friends!!
As I read and reread our messages my heart breaks even as it soars.
I cannot and want not to lose you again. Why does our love hurt so much?
Why can I not keep you out of my mind?

                       (I love you.  
                                   Do not leave me.)

I know I'm not deserving of your love if it is truly reciprocal.
I am deserving of heartache and loneliness.            

               (I am deserving of hell
                                  but not its fallen angel.)

But I must ask these questions,
do you hurt as I do with our love?
Can you not keep me off your mind?
Do you too not want to lose me?
                                                    
                                 (i love you.)
I swear I feel him near me at times
See his face so clear
Smell his scent on me
His hands through my hair  
I know my mind is playing tricks
For he is just a ghost
a sigh upon the wind
I want more than a ghost
#ghost #sigh #trickymind
Signals everywhere
Left turn here
Right turn there  
Wrong way
U turn not permitted
Green light go
Yellow slow
Red, stop  
STOP....
Signals everywhere
Everywhere but my mind, my heart
It does not show
Green light go
Yellow slow
And it definitely does not show
S
T
O
**P
I like it when you're silent
The times when you don't write
Those are the times when confusion is not in site
When you write, I get confused
I do not know of whom you write
I cannot fathom that it is about me
I am not the girl in your themes
So I like it when you're silent
Confused then I am not
Everything is black and white
No shades of grey or doubt

*.....when you're silent
Shhh.....
The first breath of a babe
A lazy summer night
How the stars hang in the balance of the heavenly sky
The first snowflake of winter
The first flower of spring
The taste of lovers lips
The song the soul sings
A cold one on a hot day
Laughter of children as they play
Birds flying high
The beautiful blue of the sky
The beauty seen through my eyes
The simplest things in disguise
Find your simple beauty....
Sin
Sin
Sin is just a string which we are all on
the more sin we commit
The stronger the string becomes
The stronger it is, the harder to break

When we are born
We have one string on us
As we become older
More strings appear

Pretty soon we become Satan's marionette
His own little soldier
Even though we reach this point at least once in our lives
We can always turn back to the Lord, Jesus Christ

Though the strings may be hard to break
Through the power of the Lord
We will overcome.
Ok, please be kind.  I wrote this one about 19 years ago. Hard to believe I still have my old high school works.  I have not tweaked it any. This is it in its raw form. It was published in a poetry journal. Again, please be kind.
Brown eyes
Green eyes
Black eyes
Blue
Sinful eyes, I see you...
Steel eyes
Grey eyes
Moss eyes too
Oh my, my. What shall I do?
Burning
Searing
Soulful infused
The devil comes out in you
Window
Let
Me
Inside
You
*Now I'm lost before I knew....
Feeling a little playful tonight.
#eyes #windows #passion
I just want to sleep and drink
Drink and sleep
To forget how things were
Or is it are?
Were or are?
Been or now?
Had or have?  Was or is?!?Here or there?!?
I'm just gonna drink...
See what answers lie at the bottom of this bottle
Then I'm going to sleep, and try not to think of when, are, is, How, WEre, NOW, HERE, THERE.....
MIND SHUT UP!
Still too loud
*I need more to drink
An older one, but I think I'll still drink to this
Awakened you are by a force unknown
Drawn are you barefoot out your home
The cold winter ground your feet do tread
Deep in your soul you feel dread
You believe this is a dream
This cannot be what it seems

Your steps are light upon the pine littered floor
But this is a dream to yourself you implore
The scent of the forest though is too real
Your heart threatening to break free is how you feel

In a clearing you see your siren
Auburn hair, red dress, and hazel eyes burning
Around an alter she does dance
Upon the stone lays a man
You're curious as to whom this could be
Not believing when upon the man your eyes do see
Closer and closer you carefully tread
You do not want her to hear your stead
Caution though is for not
She turns to look, you are caught
She smiles a sultry smile of glee
Coercing your near, time to see
Upon the slab is truly a man
It is you, you are dammed
She laughs as she sways to her own beat
There is no fire but you feel her heat

Suddenly you awaken in your bed
Sweat is pouring from her heat off your head
Has your love bewitched you the question  asked  
Is she truly one to have taken this task
You pull your love closer to you to sleep
Knowing that she is the siren in your spelled dream  

For all is never how it seems
Never as it seems....
Sleep well..
Slipped into my life
Slipped into yours
Slipped into bed
Slipped out the door

Slipped into your hands
Slipped into mine
Slipped on your lips
Slipped up my spine

Slipped into your arms
Slipped into me
Slipped into feelings
No,
**here you tripped me
But we can slip some more....
For you, for them
For me, for him
I bid adieu
Goodnight
Sleep tight
May the angels keep you tonight
May the darkness not swallow you whole
May the suns morning rays
Be the first you behold

Upon waking from your slumber
I hope tomorrow you remain humble
To all the gifts you are given
Even the pain that is risen
I have said it once
I will say it again
For beauty will arise from pain
To feel pain is to know you are still living, be thankful for that...
I smoke more when I'm trying not to think of a you and me.
I smoked too much yesterday.
God, I hope I don't smoke as much today.
Your eyes
Dark and mesmerizing
Easily I can get lost
And lost I have
Feelings that I can turn off
Stuck permanently on
your eyes captivate them
Releasing them free
Unable to re-cage
Letting them soar as an eagle

Your eyes
Hypnotize me
A cobra waiting to strike
My feelings soaring as eagle
They have caught the cobra
Bit they are and down they fall
Your eyes have now become my demise
#roll-o-the-dice  #demise #robot #nomore #snake #eyes
The snow quietly falls upon the damp earth
Though once it lands, it melts into itself
It will stick eventually
Like my tears upon my soul
I'll step out just to see
If my heart can make the ground freezing cold
Can you not
Spare a soft word
You look at her
With devouring eyes
Grasp her in your arms
Pull her close
Anger when another dares touch
But yet
You do not speak
Not what she needs to hear
Tell her she is beautiful
When you hold her near
Speak not only with actions at hand
You are woman, I am man
When you stake your claim
For the world to see
Lean towards her ear
Whisper you are mine my dear
Be not only a lover of the flesh
Speak that she is tantalizing
When both you mesh
It should not be hard
To utter the sound
From your gullet
Out of your mouth
Those lips produce
Ectasy abound
Create more
With words from whence for
Letting the vibrations be carried upon the breeze
While the moon bathed the hushed twilight in her soft glow

I spoke
The plateu's grasses and mesquite
Bending to carry my words
Across the miniscule miles that seperate us
The nighttime creatures deftly run towards you
Carrying my message

I spoke
Now I wait for the words in return
For the grasses to bend towards me
Carrying your words I long to hear

I spoke


            i       need      you   
 
The night land creatures scurry to my feet
The Hush twilight speaks

                  *i            am           yours
#muse #lover #us
Kiss her like you mean it
Even if you have to lie
Just kiss her like that
One more time
She will see thru it
See the truth behind the lie
But it will bring a ghost of a smile
As she remembers
How it was
Once upon a time
I am so tired today
Tired of it all
The lies, backstabbing, gossip,
letting another take your fall
I am so tired today
So tired of the pain
The heartaches,  loneliness,  and all the **** games
I am so tired today
Tired of the masquerades
the shyness, the hiding,  the truths that won't be said
I am so tired today
I just wish someone would give it to me straight
My thoughts from listening to my coworkers and patients.
My poetry is my soul upon display
For all the world to see
It shows the scars that I keep hidden
How my heart is broken and bleeds  

Displays the truths I cannot tell
   Shows that my soul is a living hell  

It is broken and scattered
To the four winds of time
It is painful and bitter
   All of it mine  

   My soul is living    
But barely so
It cries to the heavens
         To bring me home        

When you read my poetry  
Please read it with care
Handle it gently
Judge me fair
Poetry is a poets soul
Set the stage for silence to commence
Silence is hear to play
Her unending hymn
A docile happenstance

Silence
Such a comforting sound
It is the soothsayer
Calming me down

Flip the stage for chaos is here
Drowning out the silence
Feeding my soul
Removing the deafness from my ears

Chaos
My wild unending self
Scrapes at my mind
Revitalizing my inner wealth

Silence or chaos
I thrive in both
One let's my demon out
The other my ghosts
Silence is the heartbeat you hear inside your lovers breast. Chaos is when they are too far away to touch....
Speak the truth however bold
Speak what lies inside the hearts folds
Do not fear the pain it may cause
Live the moment, do not once pause
Take the chance and feel free
Speak from the heart so it can be
Forget the cowardess you feel
One minute of bravery can dispell the ills
If you feel it may cause you disdain
Remember true beauty rises from pain
15 seconds of courage is all you need..
#speak
Looking into the eyes of one
Attempting to peer deep in the soul
But only a glimpse you get
A speakeasy door
The only opening a slit
A password you must know
If you expect to see into their soul
Not all who look can see....
Where did these come from
Brush them off, yeah, brush them off
               They won't leave
Sticky, spun strong like the spider's web  
Try again
Dance around like crazy trying to flick them away
                All to no avail, still there
Lay with someone else
A name slips....yours, Freudian slip
If they heard they didn't say
                Has happened more than once
                all trying to not let this be
Spider's web weaved around my heart
Scared, can't do this.
Not ready. Not yet.
                ready, not ready
                just afraid of being again left alone
Try to brush them off, sweep under the rug, wash them off, drink and sleep them away
****, still there....
              *For this roller-coaster ride I guess I'll start to prepare.
Your nails are as red as blood stain
Stained by the blood of many who's heart you've ripped out
Stepped on, crushed
All unbeknownst to you
You leave love there in them
to decay, rust
Leaving the rest of us to clean up the wreckage  you made
This ungodly mess of blood and rust
We must hurry to do so, clean up this chaos
Before their hearts all turn to *dust
She is the falling star
The one you wished upon from afar
You saw her as bright she burned  
You closed your eyes to wish your turn
You should not have eyes you closed
For now her light is gone, the one she showed
She will come around again
Stay true to her and do not close your eyes when she comes then
When her light shows, take her!
Are the stars out tonight?
Can you see them where you are?
Do you think of her when you do?
Remembering under the moon
you made her fall?

As crystals do they shine?
Are they bright in the sky?
Would you like to touch them?
Want to wipe them away?
Are they tears from her eyes?

Do you hate the coming night?
Dread when the sun falls?
Does fear creep when the moon appears?
night was you and her
Does your loneliness now envelop all?
Do you miss me? Miss me at all?
The stars are shining bright tonight
Our constellations glowing
Closer to eachother
Still so far apart

The city lights radiate in the distance
Beckoning me home
They are closer now
Still so far away

Your body emits an inferno
Blazing upon my skin though not touching
You are closer to me now
Still so seperated from me

Our hearts begin to sync
Blood pulsing in our veins
We are closer now
Joined we are one
Each time you don't answer
Everytime reassurance isn't given
Her soul tears
With each kiss
Every soft word
Stiches piece it back
But lover of hers
It is becoming harder
The balance of hurt and kind
Is not equal
The edges of her soul
Are becoming thinner
Harder to piece together
They are fraying
From all that you do
That is malign
Spare that soft word!! Rid her of her insecurities! For you are pushing her away, and soon, away she will be...
There is a certain scent that comes after a spring storm
Completely different from the fall and winter. They have a hidden scent of fresh olives and decay with a touch of crispness in the air.

But the spring and summer storms. Their scent. Tantalizing, electric, chaos. I can smell the verbs after the storm. They play with my olfactory senses so well. Teasing, taunting. Open your mind, they say. Let us play with your demons they start coaxing. We shall set your pheromones loose. Help you to lose your control. Let go of the past. Open your heart to what is sitting in front of you. The verbs are calling. I am losing my control.
*I shall open myself to the chaos.
There's a storm brewing deep within. The electric chaos cannot be caged much longer..
A storm is coming signaled in by the raging wind
I watch the weeping willow through my window as against the storm she stands
The wind whips through pulling off her leaves    
Like a mother losing her child, she does not break, only bends to weep
Thunder begins to roll in the distance  
As lightening illuminates the sky
An omen of the worsening storm  
She continues to bend, waiting for it to pass by
Rain and hail start to fall
Ripping off  remaining leaves  
As she continues her motherly weep
She sways majestically, refusing to break Lightning hits her, cleaving her in half
She lays now broken upon the ground
No more tears can she shed  
She, her regal self, a casualty of the storm
Lightening flashing around her
Bringing shadows to life
Thunder echoing in the air
A telling of her strife
Rain pelting the earth
Along with her tears
She does not sway
Despite her fears

She stands as strong
As the mighty oak
Even when her heart
Feels forlorn and broke
When her soul
Is as black as night
Lightening flashes again
Bringing it back to life

Her mouth cannot form words
she wishes to be spoke
Hands unable to grasp
Tied so in trepidations rope
Thunder claps once more
Giving her freedom
More than before

The storm has enraptured
Her very essence
It has gifted her
Pure omnipresence
Lead her not into temptation
For she now holds the key
To your heaven or damnation
Into the storm is whispered "victory"....

And a huge thank you to Thomas Esparza for the help!!
"I need my heartbroken."
"Why?"
"I cannot write my story without it."
"Then write a new one."
One day we shall all find this.....
I have a story to tell
One that may not end that well
It is of a man and woman
Their journey to eachother....

I.
  There once were two children. One a boy and the other a girl. They knew eachother only from church. Sat in different rows but took the same Sunday school class. During breaks between class and church, the children were allowed to play. During this time the boy would pull the girls hair. Weather while in pig tails or down, he always had to touch her.

    This is how it went for years. The boy pulling her hair and she casting him ***** looks. Then after one summer, the girl had grown up. So had the boy. No longer children, yet not quite adults. The girl now found the boy handsome, but was shy to show it. The boys also found the girl pretty but was to afraid to tell. Then one day it happened.

      The girl had a simple party at her house. Invited her friends, including him. Surprisingly he showed. They all watched the game on TV then her and the boy took a stroll. He, as he did in their childhood, kept finding ways to touch her. Eventually he just grabbed her hand. That was it, a relationship started. They dated then for a while. Car rides, parties, parking and going to second only. Sitting together at church. Holding hands in the pews. Then, neither can remember, it was over. Relationship done.

       She went her way and he his. It never failed though. They continued to see eachother in church. The butterflies never leaving. Only now, she sat pews away from him. They only spoke to the other when needed. He then stopped coming, and so did she.

II.
       The boy went on and became a father but not a husband yet. Joined the military and that was that. Came home after his time served. Met a woman, fell in love, and married. Marriage didn't last and divorce happened. During this time of supposed marital bliss, he came back to church for a funeral. There he saw her. She had just had her second child, but to him still looked beautiful. They spoke while they each had a smoke. The butterflies still there.

         She went her own way too after high school. Dated around, met a man, married. They had two children. She believed she was happy. Then she went to assist with a funeral at church. There she saw him. She lost her breath when their eyes met for the first time in years. Butterflies roared in her stomach. Butterflies she had not felt in a long time even with her husband. They spoke while they smoked. How she managed words to come out, she does not recall. She felt true happiness again for that small moment in time. Happiness she did not realize had left her. Five years later, she decided enough was enough. She left her husbandand filed for divorce. She couldn't quit thinking since that fateful day five years prior that she was no longer happy.

III.

      During the turmoil of her soul debating to leave or not, the boy and the girl began to again talk. Completely innocent at first. He listened to her and she in turn learned what happened to him. Then, the week she left, they met again for the first time outside of church in years.

       They ate, they drank, they laid. Oh what a fateful day that was. It was to have only been a neutral meeting, but **** if curiosity did not come in. They wanted nothing more of eachother at that time. He still went his way and her hers. She dated, so did he. But they would still get together as though a magnetic force drew them near.

       Around the fourth month or so, things took a turn. They began to become inseparable on the phone and meeting together more and more. She tried to deny and he did too, that feelings had come into play. This was not supposed to happen. Not yet anyways.

IV.
       Fast forward to the now. Oh this here present day. Things have become quite serious between these two. Both delving deeper into the others psyche. Sharing with the other things no one else could know. Still not wanting to yet admit their feelings for the other. She remembering his words of "nothing until the divorce". Him remembering his words to her, "I'm here I am not leaving you again".

       How will this story end? Neither knows for sure. Predictions can be made. Prayers said to keep them together. Maybe after May the tides will turn full favor. Or perhaps fate will step in, once again, and tear them asunder.
Only time will tell....
It would have been so easy to keep going straight
Not take the turn left
Straight….a mere 13 miles and I'd be at your door
Straight….you'd have to face me
Straight…..tell me where I went wrong
13 miles, so close, eternity away
drawing a deep breath thru the tears
I turn left

This road….11 miles and I'll be at my door
This road….face to face with myself
This road…..to question what I did wrong
This road…..internal interrogation to play with my demons
11 miles, so close, too fast
Straight….I did not go
Straight
….
As I sit here on this cold winter's morn
I ponder my life and what is now in store
Here on the day of reckoning before
The sun has yet to crest over the eastern sky
The moon still clings fighting to give one last childlike lullaby
Am I like the moon, fighting to stay
Not yet wanting to be chased away by the brazened sun.
The moon soft, comforting, familiar, like my past
The sun, harsh, brazen, unknown, sharp, new as my future can be
Shall I stay with my moon and continue with my soft light
or shall I rise in the eastern sky like the sun and shine with a boldness of things to come.
A scary new adventure.
A choice I must make, for the sky is changing from grey to pink.
It is time, the past I cut my strings.
No longer a woman-child, matriarch let me be.
My past, I let it go to float upon this winter's breeze.
Come upon me now sun, it is you and I, a new life for us to write....
My mother is to have another heart procedure tomorrow morning.  If it fails,  then she is done.  She wants nothing more done for her. She refuses to have another open heart surgery (this one is not that). As a nurse, I know what this means. She will not be long for this world. I will have to step up and take over her role as "matriarch" of the family. I am the youngest in my family. I have been at war with myself over this for a while now. I've known this was coming, I am finally ready. I have cut ties with my childlike attitude to only visit now in my dreams. My waking times, I will be the woman my mother has groomed me to be. I love you momma.

#matriarch #strings #cut #past #future
It is daylight at night
Shining so bright is she
Messages sent upon the summer twilight
Having the moon carry them to me

Hidden subtext in the words
"i miss you"
"i need you"

Never to be wrote or heard

"Look at the moon
Isn't she a sight
Can you see her as I do
Here this clear night"


Sending my message back
Only through her
Hoping it gets to you
In the subtext of our words

"I see the moon
She is a wonderful sight
If you listen she will sing
A wonderful lullaby"


Hidden subtext in the words
"i am yours"
"you are mine"

Never to be wrote or heard...
#subtext #moon #iamyours #imissyou
Sun
Sun
I want him like the flower wants the sun
And like the flower the sun will only shine for a time until the moon takes his place. So the flower must live in darkness for hours waiting again for the sun.
The flower wilts, closes in upon itself until once again the sun shines upon it.
That is how I am.
Like the flower wanting the sun*.
And then it hit her...
Like a thousand stars going into supernova. The brilliance of their light, instead of blinding, showing her. This is it. This is what she's been waiting for. Her other self. And it all stemmed from his smile at her...
Like his laugh, she doesn't want to share the smiles either...
In the mountains of old
A sword rests having just been forged
Waiting now for the respectful keep
All bow to revenance of thee

Years will pass before claim is made
One whom has a soul that bleeds
Broken yet still fights
One who loves with all might

The sword shall rest until such time
For the one whom she has in mind
Forged she was off blood, sweat, and tears
Lays in wait for years

One has come who demons have fought
Gallantly trodded the Devils lot
Ripped was the heart of this keep
Only to love again wholeheartedly

Once eyes were set upon this sword
Her beauty seen from the delicate forge
Though covered in dust from years of wait
The keep takes her as is fate
Just some 3am ramblings of middle earth....
There's electricity in the air tonight
Or is it just in me
The stars seem to shine brighter
Or maybe my eyes are opened wider
There is anticipation in the coyotes yelps
No, it's my own voice calling out
The vibrations throughout my body
They are seeping into the world
I fear I will not sleep tonight
I wait anxiously for tomorrow
My heart beats out the minutes
My mind races of what's to come
I fear the silence of the drive
The what if's invade my mind
Can I do this again
What if I lose my stand
What if my voice takes a hiatus
Being seen loses my status
What if everything changes
All lost in exchanges
I guess I will ride the waves
Deal and not run to the caves
Hold my head up high
Try my best to not be shy
Let fate take the wheel
Let go insecurities I feel...
First date.. double date....
A tale as old as time
snake in the grass
Wrapping itself around
Whispering into the ears of innocence
forked tongue
One for truth
other lies
How it seamlessly intermingles them both
So eloquent it speaks
Lacing words together
How it's tail swipes
the sting unfelt
Due to hypnotizing words
Then he strikes
A fall from grace
Truth unfolds
*Tale as old as time...
Her tears roll down her face
As grains of sand off an eroding beach
Falling into the abyss
Of her pillow, the ocean
The counter ticking away
attempting to keep up
Unable to do so
"Enough!" he yells
Unable to take her sadness anymore
He reaches into her heart
Trying to cut away the black
But he is unable
Every piece he removes
Another takes its place
And her tears continue
*to fall down her face
A temple has been built
For the lost and broken
A shelter from the storm
Of feelings abound
A way to escape one's own misery
To find just the thing to keep them going
Words alight on a page
Seeming to write themselves
A trance like meditation
In this temple that's been built
Just some late night ramblings...
Ease your souls my dear poets.
I want to say "Thank you"
To the men who have wounded me
You did not ever break me
Instead, you have set me free

The scars that are now a part of me
I show them off proudly
They remind me of who I was
And now, who I am to be

So a huge shout out to all of you
All who have done me wrong
Yes, tonight I will give credit
where credit is due
For without it,
I could not write my poetry songs
Thank you to all the ******* out there and the ones to come.  Also, to the ones who are only ***** at times then turn around and can still love. Not a man hater, I promise.
I lived a hundred lives that day
I cried a river of tears
I fought hundreds of battles
In that instant of a hundred years

I felt the pain of the earth that day
Pain a thousand fold
I sung hallelujah on high
When you I got to behold

I died a thousand deaths that day
I know I'll die a thousand more
When I don't know if you're ok
My mind opens all dark doors
The everyday life of a mother....
All love is splayed open in the night Splayed open to reveal it's true intent
It's ****** fire dripping like acid upon the stone
It's tears are rivers down her beautifully distraught face
She has found her love painful when he is not near
But when he holds her it is  a healing balm.
Her love is splayed open on this night of pain
But he has come to sooth the pain.
I hear the yip of the coyotes
Their mournful cries call to me
Beckoning to come and run free
To leave all heartache in the town
Come and run, prey we have found  
Shed the shell that keeps you caged
Run with us, free your rage
Care no more for all you hold dear
Come with us, we will be your family here
Alone you will not be
Just come run with us, be free  
Their call so enticing
I want to go, be with them
What holds me back, I do not know
Time is up, here I go
How I long to just leave it all behind. Heed the call...
Slowly we dance
You and I
Round and round we go
In a cadence of to and fro  
  
Never seeming to take that step
The final one that forces us
to take that
Chance        

A tango here
A waltz so fair    
A rhumba or two
One between me and you

Our steps are sure
The space we do keep
The chance between us
We dare to not let meet    
      
The fear we keep
In our sway of chance
Both afraid of what will happen
If we don't let fear keep the lead

A other measure has gone by
We've gotten closer
But backed away
instead of giving chance
At least one try

Paso Doble is now in swing
This chance of ours
The bull in the ring

Slowly, confidently
We stride to the center
Fear grips our minds
As we finally find each other

The chance is now ours
We take it by the horns
Fear be gone
Now love will soar
This one has a happy ending. I'm still dancing with mine. May we both one day grab that chance.
Pregnant clouds darken the sky
Winter gives one last sigh
Nor'easter blows strong
Through the city it's goodbye song

Into the storm she goes
Down the walk water flows
Deftly on the cobblestones she steps
Leaving where she never should have been

Ladies and gents in uniform black
Scurrying about to find shelter from the wet
To their respected office these drones
In black suits and umbrellas they hone

Upon umbrellas of black
The rain plays their song
Pitter pat-a-tat tat
She herself hums along

An enigma in the mass
She adorns red from the rest
As the blood that had pooled at her feet
Red as the ones of whom she left to bleed

Upon this dreary rainy morn
She does not in humanity conform
Standing red amongst the black
Red as the ones of whom she has broken and left
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