most things in life come and go
following the seasons of growth and change
but few whims remain and endure the harshest of hardships
they become the theme of dreams
hidden in the glow of the moon
visible to the stars and creator only
but my themes are distorted over-romantic  images of love and freedom
illusions to feed a bitter raw soul
for short lived comfort in endless depravity
**what good is a glowing yet dark moon that eagerly hides and embraces childish dreams that have not matured into reality
that only comfort but never prepares or protects

you judge and sentence my actions
one swift move erasing the cause
easily forgetting your actions
there can be no reaction without an action

take away the emotion and the kicked up dust
left a spoiled brat beyond reform
wrapped in foil to reflect what i wanted to see
what i was desperate to see
in a blessed action from heaven
you broke contact with me
no it was not long
just long enough
to brake the ties around me

once free
i realized your abusive ways
hiding behind social media
dancing the cycle
honeymoon to outburst back to honeymoon
blocked you still try and find my ears
the audience no longer exist
you question the integrity of my character
camouflaging the real issue
telling your family you are an unwanted bachelor
owning up to your actions

from a distance i view the kicked up dust cloud
it reads the integrity of your character
thank god i can walk away

finally i give way
a deep low moan
my arching back relaxes
satisfaction flushes over me
sealed with a warm passionate kiss
a new moon begun
a dash of color added daily
new hair style, off with the old
accessories a must, compliments my manicure
dark short and eye catching
all i need is the perfect pair of shoes

a women matured
savored for my chosen
the nape of my neck
small of my back
the tip of my *****
a knowledgeable lover
brings fire to my belly
stopping only at sight of satisfaction
the kind young girls fantasize about
old women relive in memories gone by
stories and poems inspired

my words covered in lace
awakens passion
my lovers eyes burn at the thought of me

:) :) the mind a powerful gift

yes it's right, i am an abomination
created to gods own image
i am a gorgeous African queen
black, with ***** hair
fearless words, not watered down by lies, i speak
freedom my journey, never a servant
no other copy of me created

you look down at me
speak rough and loud
treat me like a beggar
down play my ideas
ignore my 150% at work

all this to keep me in my place
i pity you
your eyes tell it all, i need a beating to be put right
snake ***** gets kinder eyes
see how nice uneducated barbarian writes

keep me in my place?
keep me in my place!
keep me in my place

leave me
to precious illusions
moments of bliss
love imaged
momentarily eases the thirst
the dreaded melancholy

until

i am awaken

re-remembering the gnawing thirst
even at busy intervals
never a stranger
how i wish providence to come
and quite me of melancholy
impatient i am
resentful, for unwanted experience
that lacerated deep
weak and regretful
but always interchangeable
never constant
she has alluded me in youth
i wonder
in age
have i
atoned enough
will she finally find me worthy
uncertain of my fate
i drift

meeting by boy and girl through mutual acquaintance
invisible threading to souls
step by step, bit by bit, inch by inch
love grow slow. this is not a race for the finish line
a slow walk till breath leaves
the stars will forever tell our story
we will search for each other after every reincarnation
a key and a lock perfectly match

completely present in the moment
i am with you
no more doubt, no fear, no more questions
rather love with fire than having not lived and loved, an half breathed life

some love starts fiery red
burn furiously
no end in sight
illusioned feeling of safety
the fire cannot ever burn out
but all fires die eventually
leaving scorched earth, surroundings devastated

some love start slow
patients lots and lots of patients needed
but over time the shrub starts to grow
soon when no one is watching
a gorgeous massive strong tree stand
tall green with endless potential
even if it dies of old age it will give life to whats left behind
the cycle of life continues

then there is the love god blessed you with
you cant choose, you always love them but not always get along
you don't always like each others, but always love
they say this crawls where water don't run

i choose the one that adds over time slowly
never subtracting just multiplying

an innate thirst
a compelling, life altering thirst
for

love

no not passion and lust

but

pure unadulterated love

to drink from that untainted spring
how my soul longs and dream
for the coming of that day
no longer left desolate with thirst
no longer questioning providence
no longer screaming at the sky

but

pure invigoration

a love so earnest
words fail in description
can, only, be felt and instinctively known

but instinct blurred by experience

love has become a national sport
but what about the rest
the rest who believes in love with all there heart and soul
that believes in the pureness and sacredness of it
they who cherish the innocence of it
people like me

people justify a lot with motivational speaking
in the end the picket fence is littered with nail wholes
each whole resembling a day someone trampled my dreams , unprovoked
in the name of the game

all i need is for love to be true and faithful
ever constant and present
loving most when love is lost
no need for glitter and glam
no need for fancy words and gems
just, true in action
my perfect fairytale
love that starts small and grows
adding little drops over time

A lullaby remembered
Remnance of night Conversation between the piano n a flute
Mother and daughter duet
Floads my being with memories
How could I have forgotten
It's what I needed to make do with brokenness
A bravado to fend off, to show strength
Truth is brokenness, exist reaffirmed by a lost lullaby

Takes me back before time made sense
When mum was my universe and I was hers
I love her all my life, she loves me my lifetime

My Journey
once young i believed of a world made of ice-cream and chocolates
i believed in air castles
i dreamed of the tooth fairy
friends was best friend forever for life
long hair was important, weight unimportant
dad and mum was super heroes
the world was at my feet waiting to be conquered
volcano's erupted
wars came and went
people died and were born
poverty came and went
governments changed
i grew up, the chocolate and ice cream melted
i woke up in a sticky mess

what happened
i forget the most important ingredient of all
god my father, my keeper, my salvation and joy
as it all came crashing down and storms whirled he held my hand
even when i questioned my creator and accused him of doing a bad job
his love and dedication never wavered
thank heaven for that mercy

i've searched my life time for unmovable inner peace and joy
though i was a bad made when i could not find it
now i know
money cant buy
only god the father can lead you to it
only the father can restore my air castles, my world of ice-cream, chocolates, cappuccino and balloons
i left he tooth fairy behind
i was blessed with new better friends
and my super hero's was re employed :)
i am truly living my dream without the crowd, competitiveness, chaos and speed of modern life

the future awaits
my captain is at the helm
what more can a girl ask for

i didn't loose my mind
she stepped
accused me of ******* with fantasy and neglecting reality,and
of zoning out into dream land
she got tired of waiting for me to come around,
and booted me out of her life

so here i am mindless and loving it
opportunity to find my true self in my art
opportunity to make my craft my own
opportunity to brake free from the confine set by the world

closing my eyes i sea them
across the big water
they wait for me
not sure to welcome me or shun d me

early morning the river pulls back into slumber
revealing faint but visible tracks
the dead crossed over and visited
who did they visit?
standing outside the windows watching
never moving
all you know is the airy feeling you get

they promise you peace on their *****
against the backdrop of a cruel world
it looks so inviting
what a mirage
i force my eyes open
red blood shot
i wash my face and stair into the eyes of the one looking back
lost in the world reflected

Mommy wrote me a letter, a personal letter
To read on her passing, something special just for me
A last us, reminder of her last thoughts about me
Dad stole it and copied it, from my room
Without permission, how dare he!
Now when he wants to control me, he uses mommies last words
And asks did she raise you wrong?, something wring in the sentence
Should it not be did we raise you wrong?
This is how he choose to love me, with guilt filled words he stole
The letter no longer special, it was meant to be
I don’t even have mommies ashes, her sister took care of that
In the end everyone fights over pieces of her
It was not enough when she lived
They have to tare her memory to pieces
Greed the master of my family
Lord help us

we all collect pain, desire, love, wounds, questions ect
it makes us unique, insane and human
our every action dictated by our subconscious
constantly reminding the awake mind, you don't rule
i realized today how me, my collection is
most women collect wedding and baby pics
i collect mommy and me moments
something i long for so deep its indescribable
unconditional protection
always knowing "i" got backup
unconditional love
no matter how messed up "i' get
she keep the lights on, so that i can find home
unconditional existence
no matter what i will always be here for you
always real and true in action and presence
always real no double standard

i stopped taking my anti-depression medicine
it allowed me to live life with muffled screams
never giving outlet to my wordless emotions
so raw, i lack the vocabulary to express
so raw, i don't recognize it
so raw, i struggle each day to keep it together

when you left, i was so afraid of forgetting and loosing you,
i gathered all i could find, jealously guarding it,
unwilling to share with anyone, even dad
justifying with, "they had all your life"
i only had my life time with you

i had since come to my senses
realised that no one can take you from me
you live in my heart
i treasure the photographs
some things only i and they know
a secret we whisper to the moon, sun and sky

i never stop missing you
i got accustomed to living with it
i got use to the missing

once i dream t of living a quarter mile at a time
conquering land after land
nothing to hold me back just endless fields of dreams
each night i worked the field
my wings knew flight and soared ever higher above trees
when something went wrong the undo button fixed it
life would be continues perfect moments
staring at the white roof colored by my own world
always the same
tragic love poem written in eternity
two people meet over hot coffee
empty cafe, rainy night
casually chatting and laughing
instantly connecting
she sells herself for a moment
desperate to feel love
he buys her moment to hide his own need to lick his wounds
wounded people searching for love struck a deal
she never knew it was her smile that convinced him
no women has ever graced him with that honor
what follows is some time for adjustment, the drama
brutal fighting with his father, the action
she is not spoken for, the ******
eventually he realizes his deep seeded love for her
defend her honor
make babies and raise cattle

a perfect ending

my mom is always the hero in my poems
and i end up hoping that she looks down with a smile
i fear her scorning when we meet again, some day
feeling inadequate, did i measure up to her expectations
my dad is always the villein
the one who is managing an inconvenience
i never heard i was beautiful, are loved or are worthy from him
just an endless list of failures
no sister
no brothers
no best friends
just me, mom and dad
one big unhappy trio

each night
while i rest my weary head
god comes and counts my hair
carefully he inspects each strand
to his gentle touch my strands reveal there secrets
the reason for pre-mature greying or braking
his eyes become watery in conversation with my strands
he so wants me to tell him what he already knew
he is the all knowing
he just want me to talk to him
to tell him i need you
to tell him i love you
to tell him thank you for being my father
in return he is always Faithfull
as the night gives way to the new day
second change is revealed in the new sun
enter the chamber of the king
let his favour fall upon you
in bounty rich overwhelming

My darling,
I never meant for you to grow up in a world absent of a loving grandmother, doting aunts and uncles, accepting great uncles and aunts, protecting cousins.I always believed I had enough time, I believed mum will be around. Till we grow grey and senile together, laughing, praying and, loving. I believed enough time is available for photos. But alas my darling I can only offer you me

From the moment your heart starts to beat
Till my heart stops beating
Our bond will be all absorbing and complete
I will be your safety net and teach you how to soar
**For an eagle you are and soar you must for I am

mum's well intended tough upbringing ended in a two sided razor sharp sword
i am independent, intelligent, and successful
that same achievements cause me no shortage of frenemies
and a severe debilitating starvation for true friendship and love
men wont touch me with a 10 foot poll
both sexes make me out to be weird beyond the point of recognising there reflexion in me
imprisoned in a life i wanted, successful
with a incurable case of loneliness, i'm drowning out with food and bad poetry
this is my roaring twenties, hooray
cant wait for the next 80 years
going senile will be a blessing
no longer haunted by pain and unreached potential

a stone path
lit by faith
surrounded by black
protected by love
identified by slow adding moments
made to endure time and death
i believed this was my hunting map
now crown less
a peasant wandering
insecure
seeing but not knowing what
lost my will to try
avoid all to protect the heart
my source of life

i believed
i understood the image of love
that i would be able to identify false love
not the bedtime story love
but earnest love
now
i question its possibility of existence

dear lover,
during my moments,, when i drive you up the wall
take my hand,
remember my gentle heart surrounded by tough armor
hold me close, and whisper, it is ok, to be weak
watch my tears as they fall and listen to my story
don't give advise
just be present and tender
in a while i will pick my sword again and march on to battle for adventure calls
but every once in a while i need to be weak

monsters are created not born
each life event that shapes us
heartache, humiliation, pain, tears , sorrow
these combined with loneliness, abandonment
allow monsters to breed , multiply and strife
by the time you realize its to late
each morning i rise
tired from battle
a loosing fight
only extending the inevitable death blow
why i don't know
born stubborn
my undoing
few drops of hope
i thought i destroyed it
faith for a better future
a future that will never come
destined for pain and grief
STOP
embrace the inescapable truth
my monsters have won

EACH SUNRISE IS A PROMISE OF NEW
A CHANGE TO CORRECT THE PAST ,A WRONG LIFE
OUR SOULS REJOICE AT A NEW DAY
THE SEARCH CONTINUES, WE NEVER REALIZE THE ANSWER IS INSIDE
WE SEARCH FOR OUR CREATOR IN EVERYTHING, EACH ON THE SAME JOURNEY, DIFFERENT ROADS
WE SEARCH, OUR MASTER
TAKE COURAGE AND ACKNOWLEDGED
THE GOD OF ALL
NO GREATER LOVE EVER EXISTED
HE IS EVER PRESENT, EVER FAITHFUL
OUR SOULS KNOW HIS VOICE
OUR MINDS RESIST, A GAME WE PLAY

I ASKED HIM TO PROOF HIS AFFECTION FOR ME
WITHOUT FAIL I RECEIVED LOVE AND WAS MADE WHOLE
THE IMPOSSIBLE REALIZED IN SECONDS
NO DOUBT EXIST IN ME
I AM LOVED BY MY BELOVED
MY SOUL TIED ONLY TO THEE

i have found myself frozen by the cold moments of my life
living a circle of repeat cold
no spring on the horizon
i spend my days dreaming up a flurry of wishes
each more liberating than the next
giving my heart wings of gold to soar
soar so high i disappeared on the horizon
i created near perfect scenarios to live in my head
accompanied by a near perfect partner
the only man to ever call be beautiful
a man that i can make blush by just phoning
an aspiration no-one knew except me

my eyes have seen much
him i still have to see
my heart have seen
what a sight to remember

Need to clear my head
On the cross-over of insanity
Words and emotions running rampant
Pulling in all possible directions
Scratching at the door
The main personality is under threat
Turmoil created, but clarity is needed
Paper my only solution
Mums ashes disturbs my beauty sleep
My aunt is withholding it from me
Or can’t face the truth
It was just a task to be taken care of
Her front is empathy
When I needed it the most
I saw evil with a smile
Claiming to miss and love her sister
I am her image and legacy thrown with garbage, away
Someday we all will have to give word for our actions
Grandma took a whole year to die
She fought dying to the bitter end
Indeed the end was overly bitter and painful
This happened because she had no peace
To die you need peace and forgiveness
Was a very controlling woman
This was her downfall in the end
The same will be the fate of the last daughters
She was not tough on them
Today they are spoiled women trampling the family children
Their children is paying the price
God works with generations
For me healing begins when I share these words
My family used mum when alive
In death they give her no second thought
I miss her dearly because I was dependent on her still
In the least, the rest can honour her memory
My dreams are coded messages
My maternal grandma didn’t like me much when she was alive
In death she visits me by dreams, angry ****** expression
The dream fills me with negative emotions
Why she visits I do not know
I am afraid to find out, but curiosity is my master
I do miss her, but I do not miss the person she became in her senior years
Mean, isolated and bitter
The matriarch I revered, allowed favouritism to bring divide in her family
This is my in heritage I have to build on

niemand behalwe ek ken die krag van jou hartklop van binne. dus die eerste ding wat ek gehoor het. dit het my gekalmeer en gese moenie bekommerd wees nie ek is hier, altyd. gevolg deur 'n rustige stem wat die wind kalmeer. die het gesing en gebid oor my. gesondheid was die meeste gevra. die stem het baie gepraat. dit was goeie tye vir my. al wat ek graag vergeet is die tye wat jy en die ander stem gestry het. dan het jou stem verander na hartseer en bedroef. trane het jou wange gevul terwyl jou arms my omvou het. al stywer en stywer. so belangrik was ek.

die groot dag, jy het gese jy gaan jou hare eers was, maar toe versnel die hartklop en dinge gebeur wat ek nie begryp het nie. jy het ernstig siek geword en nog alleen by die huis. jou arm om my hospitaal toe. ek is gebore saterdag 25 mei 1985.

skielik was ek alleen en weg van my geliefde klop. jy was in 'n diep slaap. mense gehardloop om ons om als weer reg te maak. ai opwindende oomblik. Maar geen arms wat omvou en rustige stem wat bekend is nie. net vreemdheid.

Oblivion is sweat home in moments of pure hell from restless thinking
Excessively worrying about something that might happen and might never realise
I may not even live that far into the future
Continues unanswered questions fill the space in my head
Over filling it to capacity, the cabinet lady quit
This is not the adult life i envisioned long ago for me
How to make sense of disappointment after disappointment
Slinging you to the mat again and again and again
Relentlessly beating you into submission claiming it is good for you
The life drain from your eyes
Without warning the fire for life flares up and scorch all touching it
Just to die down and simmer under ground
The few moments of freedom lived in oblivion is sacred
Reluctant to leave I have little choice
Dragged back to a life I despise at most
Surrounded by empty vessels
Always wanting never able to give
What a horrible existence it must be to be never able to connect with living souls
Being surrounded by walls impossible to be climbed and no bridges build
Oblivion exist with only open space
Space for the mind to run free over, under and among hills

pain is shaping me daily
the wonder before my eyes
brings joy
i can see the future harvest
prosperity in abundance awaits me
for in darkness
light is mightiest
love can conquer all
but faith is needed to leap
believe my wings will be there
i will be delivered

passion and pain love and war
infused in coffee and faith
playful although aged
able to love at will
not silenced by a harsh life
wide eyed amazement looks with glitter eyes
my dream for me in age

chewed up and spit out
used and recycled
written out and written off
this is reality of my world
life is hard may time be kind and gentle
look up, see heaven
not my dream for me in any age

mum made it look easy
in high heels and a smile
her stride where smooth
after two years it not any easier
i got use to it
not what i wanted for young vibrant me

someday endless days of laughter
no tears or sadness
just joy
my dream for me

pent up emotions boil to the opening
i'm helpless to stop it
i'm afraid to cry
what if it never ends
what if i never stop
i miss my mom so god awful much
i am afraid to tell people and show it
i fear being shun
whats wrong with you?
it's been two years, pull yourself together
get over it
my heart hurts
i struggle to put my emotions in words
having to feel and write in secret
i fear people's reaction
they always say it will work out alright
what great nonsense
i want mum to hold me tight

my favorite lie: i got your back

this is pent up loss, grieve mixed with betrayal
boiled with anger and pain
i don't know who i am anymore
i can't even master up a smile, a fake smile
avoid people all together

pictures of past lovers are looked through the eyes of a woman scorned
dragged down into the depths of hell
by a fiery monster that mishandles me
striking yellow eyes
each breath felt on my bruised skin
he mutilates me for fun
my screams echos through the empty corridors of hell
all the while having to watch my past over and over again
made to relive each moment magnified
torture would have been a far lessor punishment
my face has to remain neutral as i look at pictures of lovers past under the careful gaze of others

the anger in my ever grows
these men they toyed with me as if i was not human
in there eyes my soul did not breath
i was no more than a second thought
i run through the corridors
trying to open doors while trying to stay out of the clutches of my captor
i need the find the door to mercy
i stumble
broken the monster finds me

baby girl,
beautiful precious African queen
stop being a princess waiting on prince charming
(its a disguise of thin foil on a trojan horse)
and be,
be the queen your meant to be
shake off the childish attitude and desires
the bell of womanhood has rung, way past
the dawn bring the new world
maturity here we come
i got your back
your true friend

please pick up. . . the phone rings
i'm trying to make a call to heaven
please god answer i need to speak to my mum please
i want to tell her all that has been happening
about my aching heart for love
the gnawing feeling that i am a failure
the hurt watching other people live the life i want
no gate keeper to my memories
silence on the other side of the line
god does not take direct calls
i have no one else to call
it was always mum
every action or drama that occurred she was the front row spectator

ten years after high school
i'm still there, god save me please
i eat alone my lunch
i am spoken to only when things need done
i'm expected to always smile and be polite
while being trampled and run over

i have become the looser geek rejected by all
"fat girls don't need love, they wear theirs
she is strong and smart, she can take it
she is use to it"

how cruel my life has become
pen and paper my most enduring friendship
always willing to listen to my tears fall and form words
always available to help make sense of my madness
i always offered a welcoming smile
eager to make people feel at home
rejected by humans
i found comfort with pen and paper

i also need help
can't help my quills
please don't mind the pain
i try to keep them flat
old memory confuse new emotions
my defenses flare up
kicking screaming and fussing
i draw blood
no one wants to come close
afraid
alone in the knife drawer i live
exiled
deemed dangerous and edgy
these 6 enclosures
no windows
alone
my stubborn nature
refuse to yield
i will over come
a home i made
i love my home
my comfort and haven
small heaven to me
no porch light
no second chances
forgiveness lives next door

a praying family . . .
only are person decides what to pray about
the usual, a rhyme, well known and nice
covers the basis
but does the listener listens
no, she stopped long time ago
busy with the mice in her head
k nibbling at fantasies, a free world
childhood habit, stills works
my brain remembers
it empty prayers
no conviction

a family that prayers together  . . . to keep the peace
what about peace of mind, soul and spirit
they don't count, unimportant
just peace to the prayer, he is happy
                          feels he did good
                          he kept all inline
                          they know there place

hora, a great head of the family

one man cannot bring a nation to its knees
but a nation can bring one man to his knees
we are trapped in slave mentality
we created our own royalties
not chosen by the content of character
the fruits of labour speaks clear n loud
corruption greed small minded

South Africa's royal family
chosen by the public
serving themselves
what a shame
on national television "nogal"
if ever i was ashamed to be South African
he and he alone
gave rise to freedom
called father of the nation
fed his children to the wolves of corruption and greed
yet we honour and praise him

he takes her hand in his
her hand is shivering
desperately he seeks her eyes
stubbornly she refuses to look into his eyes
finally he speaks
low and controlled
my mistress, why do you question your place in my house
yes you are not as beautiful as the others
no you cannot awaken my member as easily as them
yes i buy them expensive clothes and jewelry and not you

my mistress
you never sleep alone
you dine with me the finest each night
i took your last name
your name is written on the family door
a house that does not leak and know no draft
you travel the world with me
i dress you identical to me
each day i comb your hair
we even have identical tattoos
all this to see you smile
my mistress do not question your place in my house

Why does the moth flutter around the flame?
Why does the river flow to the sea?
Why does the moon kiss the earth each dawn?
Why does the sea tease the shore?

So many questions with one single answer

crisp black suite
starched white
pinned together with silver pinned tie
swaggen at the alter
awaiting forever
time a hummingbird
steady, furiously fluttering
fear mixed with excitement
will she come?
music
everyone rise
sigh of relive, great relive
shades of red and white engulf his world
the bride, glowing
forever begins

stuck in a life i don't want
working a dead end job
surrounded by people i don't trust
hungry status dad
no close bonds
back covered in stab wounds
stuck in a cycle 8-5
day after day no roses, no coffee, just hell
what a mess of an existence
wish someone can give me directions
mum would have known the right action plan

one death, one life
left me defenceless directionless
punishment for unknown great sin
oh God, dad freed to relive youth misled one
. . . .  twice
i never got a change for care free youth
what great sin that cannot receive mercy?

FEAR
my nemesis
between my ears the battle ground
my courage
corroded by fear
my hope
imprisoned by fear
my future
dependent on the daily victories
small and big
each thought matter

in my fantasy world
i live with passion and conviction
fearless
reality , i am a shadow
never truly taking responsibility
never making a declaration
to take my freedom
yes my freedom
to destroy my jail of fear
brick by brick
one negative word at at time
i was born free
now i claim my freedom from a fear filled existance

talent truly follows hard work and dedication
re-reading the words of my soul
i could have been great by now
non the less i found my voice again
hidden among the dust of time
entering from the cold night
field of forgotten memories at the back
running forward the future calls
may i be great with hard work and endurance

its scary people will see my soul
the words will echo my struggles
my demon relived and revealed
over and over and over
is this really what i want?

the covenant
a precious reminder of gods enduring love
never wavering always the same
each generation
constant and faithful
written in in ancient language of the stars
upheld by blood
not black on white
birth is the seal
the contract cannot be void
even in death
responsibility , accountability follows
a shadow watching, recording every mistake, every achievement
humans cannot keep there word, god always keep
punishment is sure
only saved by repentance
heavenly beings lost touch with the true source
became earthly citizens