raised after 1994 post-apartheid
i was thought ultimate freedom is a birth right
more so to the previously dis-advanced
i had freedom, i thought
till i met the big un-penetrable white wall
the descendants from apartheid
racism covered by nice words, teaching and helping
meaning we govern you, you are incapable of self govern
a wall that claims land for a 'superior race'
claims entitlement as payment for teaching and helping

a wall that destroys the human soul
drives the light from eyes
dries young people's bones
a wall that butchers equal to the inquisition
salt, cayenne, lemon rubbed into emotional wounds

"a stolen ox is eaten and forgotten,
but stolen land remains in the eye"
martin Luther king wrote the dream speech 1963
that dream is still just that, a dream
words on paper
hope in the eyes of non-whites
but no closer to reality
the white wall holds

why do I keep wanting what I cant have?!
my every action is being taken over by this desire
my actions are no longer my own
my thoughts, my thinking, my future
all swallowed up and devoured by the constant empty feeling in my chest
my human chest no longer filled with a heart and lungs
just-a-void
always hungry needing to be fed
but nothing can ever reach the bottom
it is an endless cilinder
the bottom of a bottle
the end of a needle
the warmth of tobacco
sure looks good
will silence the voices

like the girl said
wake-up,
wash,
get dressed,
eat,
work,
home,
eat,
wash,
sleep,
next day repeat
in between find time of music, poetry and chats
hi, hud, im gud and you, wud, jc, l2m,
endless routine stuck in endless crap
is this all there is to the 21 century

When the house settles in
I lay me down
Breathing slowing down
Drift of to sleep
I go home
To my private world
Life is perfect there
But
Pre determined
I have to leave home
Reality I must serve
Here I'm invisible
Regarded worthless
Thus trampled on
Ridiculed
Falaid on occasion even
Cruel barren land
Specs of oasis
Closed to me
Not even an glimpse allowed
Often feeling forsaken

my heart bleed, my soul cries
someone walking the path i walked but mush worst need help
my cous reaches to his Bro ,but he to held on the past
the weaker one has fallen
oh god help please help
how can you turn your back on a mentally sick person
" i am struggling"
mental illness is a struggling, broke is a breeze
i know, i have seen the monster
we best buddies now, living together, cuddling and stuff
showing him back to the one that is braking him, destroying piece by piece
she doesn't care for him, if she did she would get him help
why am i the only one that sees
the self destruction coming
oh god! protect us
he screams muffled creams for help, no one cares, no one hears

money is not everything
mental health is

a bad day does not mean a bad life
small insignificant victories by satan does not mean God is not present
look beyond the cracked window and see the glass is holding
God allows satan small victories to keeps us grounded on our knees
what amazing love, tough love to be correct

satan is a servant of his own ego
he hold no true power
except the power we give him over us
he has accomplished nothing, except a failed coo
we credit him
why do we not credit God alike?

"on grace anatomy a father once said that his daughter always insisted on climbing the highest trees and jump head first of the bridge, and that its his job to catch her."

those words pulled my tight my heart strings into a knot
mom was my safety net, always there, ready to catch me
understanding that i cannot help but to climb the highest and tallest
i cannot help but to head the call of my soul and wander
not lost but hungry for experience and to live
no not achievements
and always knowing instinctively when the wind of change approach
running to meet it open sails never afraid of leaving the harbour
believing that i'm not made for the harbour

after God called my safety net home
i struggled to find my footing, momentarily lost
by the grace and hand of God i found my feet again

Only when we living souls have had the honour of losing a lived one can we fully grasp the meaning of another year granted,
We take the ability to breath for granted so easily until you see someone struggle to breath desperately holding on to life at the end of its journey
Yet we live as immortals. Everlasting time to correct our actions and seek forgiveness, completely ignorant of time
I thank god for granting me another year
I am happy to be share more days with family and friends, but this means i am not yet worthy to enter heaven
Is that not the goal of all Christians
We should rejoice at funerals and mourn at birthdays

I do thank god with all I have for giving me more days to fill his house with song and praise and to serve his children
I thank god for more moments with my family
I thank god for a healthy body that can dead lift 20 kg
I thank god for a mind and fingers that can reveal my passion and bring peace to my wondering soul
I thank god for blessing me with a companion, someone special is always waiting for me to return from wondering the night
I thank god for the person I have become, free from bitter and hate, true blessings
I thank the hand of god for always holding me and protecting me and being in control

Once I questioned god for showing me death so early in my life
Now I praise him for showing me death so early
No-one knows the distance I have covered and the strength of my heart

a very nice lady
that greets me with hugs
asked me to prepare a final thought over you
a last summary for as long as forever can last
you have been the subject of s many poems
the pain you cause has been inspiration for many pen paper relationships

i think of the unspoken promise between your heart and mine
of love un-wavered for eternity
to create and keep a safe haven
teaching me to sail rough seas
i'm left holding this promise letter
it will never be fulfilled
it leaves me longing, endless searching for comfort
makes me gullible
that have lead me to the gate of hell more times than i care to remember
you never gave me a home
just emptiness,pain and endless regret
a bitter price to pay for not my actions

the best gift you ever gave me is strength
from taking beating after beating
yes i am an abuse survivor and i am proud of it
i made it this far
crawling and scraping, thanks to god
with him by my side i will keep going

not a family

in avoiding the mirror i avoid a constant reminder that i am not even half the woman i once dream t of becoming. half completed and scorched remains is all that remains of once ambitious blue prints.
upon the question what caused the derailment no answer can be given.
how do you formulate a solution if the source cannot be identified? continues moments of these form ties that relate to a rope in representing a life and in these ties its always advisable to add a extra tie called faith and prayer for it keeps the sanity, it strengthens the resolve of the rope to remain whole and helps to carry the weight.
in this lies my hope

god always answers prayers not always in the time or package that fit into our lives but that is not his objective as Lord and God. it is to mentor and shape us into graceful beauty that overflows with love and joy which ignites a flame so infectious the dark has no choice, but to cede and surrender. his presence is that overwhelming and powerful but he wins with love and uses all that might to protect his children. he is the definition of love, amen.

the moment I realized that you can see me. you see the real me. pass my skin, blood vessels and muscles and see my soul, my heart and my spirit. I rejoiced! for so long I have wanted to be seen. I did everything "they" did and was not noticed. I did the opposite and was ignored I then just gave up. disappeared into the black ground, but my soul was reluctant putting words to fire, ice to emotions an clarity to thought

and now, unimaginable to me i was noticed. i am no longer just glanced over but thoroughly investigated and probed about why i write as i do. you see i write from the heart, my emotions laid bare on paper for all to explore. ( maybe someone can fins solace in my words ) instead of finding critic i found comforting words accepting and understanding of my words.

one word plus one make a sentence

two imperfections can complete the art work and create perfection

for better or for worst
once i was blessed to know the wonder of love, acceptance and complete trust. the trio loosened, watered and nurtured my fertile soil and the future harvest took root and grew strong and wild always reaching to the skies. the farmer never got to see the harvest only the green carpet slowly hinting to change.
who is willing to take over the farmers work and tend to the lush green carpet bulging with potential? many has come forward but with hidden agendas bend on enriching the self camouflaged in the "greater good". these over time do and did and will do more damage than nature ever can inflict. despite all this the land is still present, still fertile, still growing and still hoping for a good farmer. imagining that the true owner has just gotten lost and took a few wrong turns but faith will be the morning star and lead wandering feet home. to the land in time to rejuvenate life and bring in a golden brown ripe harvest that will leave eyes wet and breathless with disbelieve at the abundance and riches despite all the hardship and pain

a strong spirit is just that
after being battered, mislead,humiliated by life and experience in the enemies hope to brake you. like the phoenix from the ash will rise a stronger and wiser spirit. carrying the battled scares with pride for they are your badge of honor. i made it through he storms my faith intack end even stronger for truly a mosterd seed size faith can move mountains. somehow even more beautiful than in youth for age has matured the wine and the beauty

for so long i have been fighting this demon that has entangled me in chains so strong it seems unbreakable
it gives just enough release to make me think i am free, laughs sadistic and reigns in the chains
i grab and claw to keep from loosing ground, to no avail
who do i call when my worst enemy is my own body and mind
who can set me free from this prison i call me
most days i'm misinterpreted, it has become so routine, a habit
i also want to move on, move forward, know endless days of joy, not having to carry my buffer in pill form

in you child of 9 i see my unconquered vices , demons, wars, battles and countless insecurities i carry with from a fiery adolescence into uncertain despised adulthood. i desire to forget my baggage at the terminal but somehow my baggage always find my door. this is not a life i wish upon you. if possible i would cast your pure and innocents in an unbreakable cast to last you a life time and then some.
once i wore your shoes. they fitted me perfectly and i loved them, but i could not stay in them for urgent was the call for me to mature beyond my age. the war trumpets blew and off i went to a war i could not comprehend,. never realizing possession of my soul was the prize.

i would trade my victories for your uncertain battles for my armor has seen the worst and the best of days, you still don't have one, but it not either of our decision to make all i can do is watch and pray and hope and pour my heart into faith that in the end you will be ohk

fairy-tales, i blame my UN-satisfaction on fairy-tales
bright fancy color mixed with glitter dust and smiles hiding behind innocence was the perfect idea of exsistance engraved on my child like mind ensuring i will always strive for that level of perfection and when unattained i will turn on myself in viciousness known only by cannibalist

who is to say in this world filled with endless illusion and unrealistic drama that the life i lead is unperfect and not as good as it will ever get

use to be only quiet moments
but now its boils to the surface of moments in general
the sheer intensity scares me
the longing grows with each tear i do not shed
yet shedding brings temporary relieve
i cannot desire constant relieve for it means forgetting
an action not possible
even if no memory exist it will remain known
like a rose covered by dirt
invisible but present and always gorgeous
i miss her strength
her kindness
her mother heart who always knew when her youngin was lost and could find a wanderer even if in the black of cold
i miss the woman who raised me
i called her mother once
a title she earned through dedication and love proving worthy of the honor

been called a great bunch of things
my favourite is daughter
my worst is friend
with daughter there is a  guaranteed love returned especially in the foxhole
i am yet to meet a friend that returns in my time need

i should be use to being alone in the fox whole
but for some reason hope just wont die
i keep holding out the banner that someday one day
by a miracle unknown it will change

Left behind
Disgarded and broken
Quickly forgotten
Yesterdays favourite
Was called cool, funny and honest
Good quailities, i thought
Months of hardwork
Brick by brick
I thought
Building a strong friendship

It hurts, a differant hurt than i am use to
Unknown to me
I really care
Was proud to know you
No longer
Curse the day we met
You used me
Now kicked to the ground
Bruised and hurt

you gave me thee most precious gift of all
the be seen through the eyes of a pure heart
a fellow soul in hardship
we are more alike than plausible
honestly , to me, unimaginable
i desperately need sleep
my fluttering soul keeps me awake
my mind a live with words
words i can't control
they have a life and mind of there own
i cant remember the last time i felt this alive
and i did not write tragedies
yes we are flawed
but we complete each other, so
the flaws are made perfect

it has always baffled me across age and time how parents can sacrifice there children happiness on the altar of love to protect there own self centered ego. to protect there ideal ideology of themselves. God help anyone that dare to scratch that image for hell had no fury than a content-less character being unveiled as a fraud. God gives gifts called children for reasons known to him alone this does not excuse anyone from honoring this decision after all we call our selves Christians translated into followers of Christ who loved and honored his father. instead there is endless failures fueled by incapacity to accept and love without agenda's. not love believed but love experienced one rain drop into a bucket meant to over flow.

i have learned the ability to numb my life to the point where days blur into each other no action standing out above the rest. the action only muffles the voiceless screams of my soul. my life is pain. my life is empty. my life feels meaningless. i bring bliss to others peoples lives why can non of them return the simple favour.

yes i pray, i read the bible and i focus on the silver cloud in the distance but lord knows the distance seems stagnant for oh so long i cant remember the last time it declined. only the illusion that it declines if i try harder.

trying harder and harder empties my soul and i have no refill available. the sky came down one day and took all my refills even the hidden ones. but i am still here half dead a quarter breathing the rest just is.

when emotions got you cornered in the trench
fox wholes shake with each attacks
debris fly
dust choke the air
oh god, outside the sun shines
the birds don't sing afraid if lead
but what a day to die

no battle buddy, eish

Unicorn rider
My craziness awarded
one time deal name renew
Behind hand whispers
She is off balance
What is wrong with her
Never invite again
I see ...... in their eyes
Your eyes wonder
You dont realise
You cannot read my scares
You do not see the bleeding wound
I need to escape my mind
I need to zone out
My depression is slowly devouring me
I am unable to help myself
The medisyne not working
I need you
Your presence always bring comfort
Feeling safe and secure
Loved and wanted
Never **** or desired
Never **** and desired
Behind each snared remark
Behind each on the belt punchline
I lay truth as foundation
My mind the map

my heart is genuine
it cannot lie nor hide
an artist at core
saying what other fear
this is me
the real me
thank you for seeing me

truly there is a god
praise his holy name
and grant me forgiveness
i questioned they plan for me
for so long, so very long
but now i see
lessons i needed to learn
now i can recognise my diamond
you made me wait and beg
big is my reward
a real diamond
i didn't think it possible
he don't judge me when i loose against my demons
he don't criticize when i loose faith in me
instead he build my believe in me , encourages me
the biggest cheer leader to date
when i loose he slays my demons for me
rescuing me from the dark depth of depression
i pray to god he is real, always

love you babe

few people are honest enough
to admit the gremlin at the door
clawing at the edge of the door
threatening to escape and reveal the truth
this is the day i dread every year
dad's birthday
easy for others to do the right thing
how to keep showing respect when you get dis-respected regularly
a true test of character
this is the liar my mother fell in love with
that ultimately betrayed her unto death
i wish divorce was possible

i may be to late or just in time, but i will arrive to help you pick up the pieces and i will hold them in my hands till you need them or want them back. when you need i will help piece them together and support each piece until the glue sets in. i am anything but polite and political correct, i love to analise and rethink things a million times, and some but i will always be a loyal friend only seperated by your verbal desire to release me from this promise.
even after the loss of friendship i will still bestow the highest form of love unto you: forgiveness over and over again.

OOH SHE GONNA TOUCH ME
A WHITE WOMAN I DONT KNOW
OHK WE CAN DOT HIS JST BREATH
DONT FORGET, AIR IN AIR OUT AND REPEAT
SHE TOUCHING ME
RUN !
THE VOICE SAYS NO, SHE IS A DOCTOR
SHE HAS TO TOUCH TO INVESTIGATE
THIS TO MUCH FOR ME, I FORGOT TO BREATH
ITS ONLY A MASSAGE, NO BIG DEAL

FINALLY! SHE IS DONE
UNTIL NEXT WEEK
WHEN I FREAK OUT AND FORGET TO BREATH, AGAIN

what great blessing it will be
if today was my last day
no more endless pain, rejection and betrayal
i will be with god, a father who loves
i will be safe, loved and accepted
i will be reunited with mom again
endless lazy summer days
no more demons and ghost that haunt me
no more being lost and hating myself
no more silent suicide
no more , no more
love, love and only love

i am known by many descriptive names
daughter, friend, colleague, cousin, niece, aunt, and fellow Christian
but none give a preview of my soul
i myself do not know, brain washed by conformity
constantly seeking my missing parts
its like completing a challenging puzzle not knowing the complete image
blind thumbs in the mist and dark
grasping on to believe, " there must be something out there"

I write to ease my trouble mind, to give words to my broken emotions and to air my soul. A soul afraid of its own shadow, but filled with courage expressing sought after encouragement "tomorrow we will try again".

My true nature not even I have seen and experienced in its fullness. Hating what I see, taught to admire acceptable beauty and to shunned what might be my own unique beauty. I do not seek praise just to be seen, noticed and not ignored and labeled reject, outcast, weird and crazy

Maybe my life experience can help someone realise they are not alone. We all fight the same fight

i honestly thought with you on my side
i can write a new book, you promised
then why am I back here again!
where tears form words on paper
emotional ramblings become poems
each word describe my bitter sweat pain
that inspire my best poems
worst nightmares
blood cried eyes
and no-one cares
no-one would look for me if i ran away
no-one would cry for me if i died
no-one would morn for me
i have tried so very hard
poured my soul and heart into it
but no-one human wants me
left outside in the cold
wandering, looking for shelter