you charged with supporting me
enjoy through stones and using sticks
joyful laughter at my mistakes
my failure your pride
a second family
now your only family
me discarded rejected alone and theft victim
you got your revenge
but blood lust not satisfied
i am tired
this war not mine
stolen life
you live free and well god has blessed
me muddied struggling hopeless
you win i give up

whispers in corners
always in the shade
running to the light
just out of reach
life long tale
dust in air in between
stolen lives lived
sad eye watch
jealousy creep in
slowly unnoticed
ding **** to late
full grown green eyed monster
hopeless future
desireless breath
self abuse routine
self hatred is fun
evil lives inside

twinkle twinkle
little star
how I envy you
surrounded never alone
all family

please share yourself
I have no one
fear fill me
fear engulf me
despair follow
an old friend is back
depression my only companion
dumb by meds
a coward I am indeed
reality is harsh
I re-lend I cannot face
I feel nothing at last
thank god for modern meds
give my emotions time to balance and anxiety to dissipate

who will bury me
who will look for me
who will wait for me
who will tend to me
who will wonder over me
who will dream of me
who will for I have no one left
will anyone!
no one will ever

I am orphan
by time and space
dreams my glorious relieve
away from a world
that does not want me
and does not love me
and does not care
no human connection
I am held by faith
my GOD my Father
the TRINITY
the SON JESUS
and the HOLLY GHOST
nothing more
and nothing less

twinkle twinkle
grown up star
everyone life
is moving and improving
But me I am so stuck
stuck in pain depression loneliness and fear
they are the only constant I know in my life
i want to go to sleep and never wake up
for this life has brought me nothing
tears
pain
despair
envy
hate
loneliness
depression
BUT all others see is a girl that can land on her feet
a girl that handles her business
a girl that smiles and chat

but no one ever really sees me
no on

mum did
I miss her so
words cannot describe
the void she left

surrounded by the world of people
no one notice me going of the deep end
no one notice my internal struggle
no one notices my internal struggle winning
I have always known no one really cares about me
nothing really struck home
hope was still alive that maybe
JUST  MAYBE
courage kept the coroner sway

but now

are my eyes that dead?!
my brown eyes blend with all the other brown eyes
I am nothing
I do not exist
I am no more

the struggle devoured me
no one came to help

i fear my slow but steady descent back into depression
the gut wrenching sadness is back and stronger than before
fueled by being orphaned at a time of year that poses its own challenges
combined with a fusion of anger, regret, self hatred, shame and desire for revenge
all blanketed by lack of joy of all things and people
left alone my thoughts run rampant and devour me
a history of fighting demons i ran so hard from hoping to never see them again, but lady luck did not smile just a devilish grin

I see couples holding hands
families spending time
the air filled with laughter and joy
the full magic of summer

here i am
alone and forgotten
forced to watch from the outside
refused entry
destiny is mocking me
constantly reminding me of what it is i cannot have but desperately desire and need

hopeless and confused
paralyzed by fear
torn
I wish the days by
happy holidays to me