ten years after high school
i'm still there, god save me please
i eat alone my lunch
i am spoken to only when things need done
i'm expected to always smile and be polite
while being trampled and run over

i have become the looser geek rejected by all
"fat girls don't need love, they wear theirs
she is strong and smart, she can take it
she is use to it"

how cruel my life has become
pen and paper my most enduring friendship
always willing to listen to my tears fall and form words
always available to help make sense of my madness
i always offered a welcoming smile
eager to make people feel at home
rejected by humans
i found comfort with pen and paper

what great blessing it will be
if today was my last day
no more endless pain, rejection and betrayal
i will be with god, a father who loves
i will be safe, loved and accepted
i will be reunited with mom again
endless lazy summer days
no more demons and ghost that haunt me
no more being lost and hating myself
no more silent suicide
no more , no more
love, love and only love

today, getting naked and bumping like rabbits is easy
revealing a soul, a heart and connecting is hard
we dare each other with self destruction
a game we all play willingly to gather pain, scares and tears
each persons own Pandora box
made from past memories
Lined with regret
filled with unspoken hurt
soaked in tears
muffled by gin
raised illusion to the tip of clouds
coming of the high crashing into other earth
broken bones absorb blood and guts

tomorrow, repeat

we all collect pain, desire, love, wounds, questions ect
it makes us unique, insane and human
our every action dictated by our subconscious
constantly reminding the awake mind, you don't rule
i realized today how me, my collection is
most women collect wedding and baby pics
i collect mommy and me moments
something i long for so deep its indescribable
unconditional protection
always knowing "i" got backup
unconditional love
no matter how messed up "i' get
she keep the lights on, so that i can find home
unconditional existence
no matter what i will always be here for you
always real and true in action and presence
always real no double standard

i stopped taking my anti-depression medicine
it allowed me to live life with muffled screams
never giving outlet to my wordless emotions
so raw, i lack the vocabulary to express
so raw, i don't recognize it
so raw, i struggle each day to keep it together

once upon a time there was a king who married the most beautiful woman in the kingdom, but over time her beauty faded and he could not understand why. one day while pondering this problem he saw the gardeners wife. when the gardener took her as his wife she was grey and unnoticeable now she was a beauty in her own right. he called the gardener and asked him what is his secret. the gardener replied tongue your majesty.

the king commanded that his wife eat tongue daily, but nothing changed. the king not one to loose took the gardeners wife and gave the queen to the gardener.

the gardener spoke daily to the dethroned queen an slowly over time her beauty returned and the new queens beauty faded over time. this anguished the king even more, he truly did not understand he moral of the story and once again asked the gardener.

the king still don't get it, do you?

few people are honest enough
to admit the gremlin at the door
clawing at the edge of the door
threatening to escape and reveal the truth
this is the day i dread every year
dad's birthday
easy for others to do the right thing
how to keep showing respect when you get dis-respected regularly
a true test of character
this is the liar my mother fell in love with
that ultimately betrayed her unto death
i wish divorce was possible

i have found myself frozen by the cold moments of my life
living a circle of repeat cold
no spring on the horizon
i spend my days dreaming up a flurry of wishes
each more liberating than the next
giving my heart wings of gold to soar
soar so high i disappeared on the horizon
i created near perfect scenarios to live in my head
accompanied by a near perfect partner
the only man to ever call be beautiful
a man that i can make blush by just phoning
an aspiration no-one knew except me

my eyes have seen much
him i still have to see
my heart have seen
what a sight to remember