Oblivion is sweat home in moments of pure hell from restless thinking
Excessively worrying about something that might happen and might never realise
I may not even live that far into the future
Continues unanswered questions fill the space in my head
Over filling it to capacity, the cabinet lady quit
This is not the adult life i envisioned long ago for me
How to make sense of disappointment after disappointment
Slinging you to the mat again and again and again
Relentlessly beating you into submission claiming it is good for you
The life drain from your eyes
Without warning the fire for life flares up and scorch all touching it
Just to die down and simmer under ground
The few moments of freedom lived in oblivion is sacred
Reluctant to leave I have little choice
Dragged back to a life I despise at most
Surrounded by empty vessels
Always wanting never able to give
What a horrible existence it must be to be never able to connect with living souls
Being surrounded by walls impossible to be climbed and no bridges build
Oblivion exist with only open space
Space for the mind to run free over, under and among hills

Only when we living souls have had the honour of losing a lived one can we fully grasp the meaning of another year granted,
We take the ability to breath for granted so easily until you see someone struggle to breath desperately holding on to life at the end of its journey
Yet we live as immortals. Everlasting time to correct our actions and seek forgiveness, completely ignorant of time
I thank god for granting me another year
I am happy to be share more days with family and friends, but this means i am not yet worthy to enter heaven
Is that not the goal of all Christians
We should rejoice at funerals and mourn at birthdays

I do thank god with all I have for giving me more days to fill his house with song and praise and to serve his children
I thank god for more moments with my family
I thank god for a healthy body that can dead lift 20 kg
I thank god for a mind and fingers that can reveal my passion and bring peace to my wondering soul
I thank god for blessing me with a companion, someone special is always waiting for me to return from wondering the night
I thank god for the person I have become, free from bitter and hate, true blessings
I thank the hand of god for always holding me and protecting me and being in control

Once I questioned god for showing me death so early in my life
Now I praise him for showing me death so early
No-one knows the distance I have covered and the strength of my heart

Once I as young and very impressionable
Ii became part of the hip and happening movement
Loving revered to as youth
What a sham, no-one has the resolve to speak the truth
Being youthful and energetic is tough
Too much responsibility rest on my meagre shoulders
Eyes and mind demand change by my soft un-scaved hands
Half the time I don’t know what I am doing how are my soft hands to bring change
Feelings of betrayal and anger from unrighteous treatment
Grow in my veins toward the elders
They followed their own corrupt greedy souls
They dare to blame my dramatic future on their ambition
No one asked what I wanted they just shipped me off to school
As an adult i inherited a land ripe for a new sun
To be achieved with ******* young people
Who soak their sins in strong alcohol and smoke their ideas away
It’s easier to muffle the pain and internalise the screams
South Africa is democratic but no freedom is lived
Yes no one can disappear without a trace
Yes you can no longer just be beaten without recourse
But the soul is tied down with inhumane heavy chains
No moral fibre left to hold on to
No moral light to follow
The head of state is leading example for all
I end with words of wisdom
Evil triumphs when good men do nothing

Need to clear my head
On the cross-over of insanity
Words and emotions running rampant
Pulling in all possible directions
Scratching at the door
The main personality is under threat
Turmoil created, but clarity is needed
Paper my only solution
Mums ashes disturbs my beauty sleep
My aunt is withholding it from me
Or can’t face the truth
It was just a task to be taken care of
Her front is empathy
When I needed it the most
I saw evil with a smile
Claiming to miss and love her sister
I am her image and legacy thrown with garbage, away
Someday we all will have to give word for our actions
Grandma took a whole year to die
She fought dying to the bitter end
Indeed the end was overly bitter and painful
This happened because she had no peace
To die you need peace and forgiveness
Was a very controlling woman
This was her downfall in the end
The same will be the fate of the last daughters
She was not tough on them
Today they are spoiled women trampling the family children
Their children is paying the price
God works with generations
For me healing begins when I share these words
My family used mum when alive
In death they give her no second thought
I miss her dearly because I was dependent on her still
In the least, the rest can honour her memory
My dreams are coded messages
My maternal grandma didn’t like me much when she was alive
In death she visits me by dreams, angry ****** expression
The dream fills me with negative emotions
Why she visits I do not know
I am afraid to find out, but curiosity is my master
I do miss her, but I do not miss the person she became in her senior years
Mean, isolated and bitter
The matriarch I revered, allowed favouritism to bring divide in her family
This is my in heritage I have to build on

the day i was created you signed a covenant before god, to be my father and was accepted as such in the eyes of the community and mine. you knew in your heart you had no intention of fulfilling this covenant. you committed the second most blatant lie of my life. without shame or remorse life in your eyes continued without a blip. you forget unlike any other contract a covenant cannot be void. your responsibility stretch from acceptance to death and beyond.
i am an answer to a prayer, a gift from god and above all i am a child of god. no less and no more.
i wonder when asked what did you do with your gift? what did you do with the kings daughter what will your answer be? will you find justification for your actions?
do not ask me on your deathbed for forgiveness, its a sham. ask me now while your healthy so i can measure the truth in your words
you transgress with ease, Sunday there will be communion. its all fake

what should be rejoice filled days
have become my most controversial and agony filled
to i comply with the charade,
do i withdrew from judgemental eyes,
since becoming an adult this decision has brought me more discomfort than poverty
i tried and could not find one compliment to give my dad
his parenting is overshadowed by mum's on every level
mean while the unseen battle continues for my soul
Jesus vs logic
love and forgiveness vs fruits from past actions

in my mind i will always be 25
that year my life rocked to a shattered stop
the anniversary of my arrival is no longer celebrated
my loss, agreed

what to do? oh what to do?
usually i put my head in the sand and pray the day to end
while wearing one of my best masks
that is the cowards way, i should behave like an adult, right

each night
while i rest my weary head
god comes and counts my hair
carefully he inspects each strand
to his gentle touch my strands reveal there secrets
the reason for pre-mature greying or braking
his eyes become watery in conversation with my strands
he so wants me to tell him what he already knew
he is the all knowing
he just want me to talk to him
to tell him i need you
to tell him i love you
to tell him thank you for being my father
in return he is always Faithfull
as the night gives way to the new day
second change is revealed in the new sun
enter the chamber of the king
let his favour fall upon you
in bounty rich overwhelming