with tight lips
to not let any of me slip
I the embodiment of fear
wrapped in a gold cloth
I am rich
rich in potential
its raining over me
so much that I can't see


Where I am going

healthy minds must go through tragedy too-
it's not that whatever we do,

we set fire to what becomes loose,
we get through it

we know it must happen to feel happy

a prolonged fear~
that once you have, you will never have again. that once you take, you cannot take again. That what I had will never find it's way back. What I have is up to decide. The pit in my stomach does flips inside-instead of walking with an open mind. I'm worried. I really am

my thoughts are stars
I cannot fathom into constellations
my thoughts are speedway cars
they wont pace themselves consistent
my thoughtless days are like my self control
nonexistent

You can never say I feel no remorse

It's evident in my poems

A thousand years have passed
and I still remember our first dance
under the blue and grey disco lights

you stood there holding me, ever so tight
like everything was perfect
and just right

you didn't dance very well
but that isn't relevant
because I know your heart was present

every step you took
was like a walk on the moon
so historical
so memorial

A thousand years have passed
and I still remember that dance <3

You sit on a chance until the non compostable breaks and sinks into the earth
the moon is closer than it appears and if dandelions don’t have a place than most people don’t





-kaitlynmariesdiary

You cannot get the past back
And you don't need it,

Walk with your head held high into the future
Where love is waiting to be awakened

no, I'm not looking for recognition on this road without an end. Lights flash behind my rear view sight, my stomach drops into my gut and I'm afraid. It slowly passes by and the relief drops me into an ocean 3,000 miles deep,

I have these dreams of different memories
sidewalks without ends and a
cranberry taste lingering within
reality doesn't exist because this
isn't real to me
-

justice isn't a word- a fragment broken off our people, the ones we are supposed to trust like storybooks read as we daze off
freedom isn't a word- it's a memory of something that didn't happen
a cold honest truth
of a wish no genie has found the power to grant

if there is such things tell me; where do I find waterparks of pride, or a place called freedom other than that gas station on left maple drive

is this not what we all want?
being mixed in this cycle, having our parents not sign that permission slip;
not have the knowledge of the feigned confidence they led would someday catch them

Today I ordered hot coffee just to let it grow cold
I climbed into my clothes and walked around in them
something felt odd, something felt different

the coolness racing down my throat
it still tasted like coffee-
but not as good

but these things have never annoyed me
have never made me want to get angry

love is so much of a better feeling
it tingles and mingles around in your body
hugs every loose end tight
makes you feel safe in your own skin-
love can do a lot

I can depend on the wind to keep me moving
the air to keep me living
the grass to allow me to have a presence

I no longer fear what's ahead because what's in me now
has no count down
it's permanent while it exists
and temporary pain gets flushed out

Yes, today I ordered coffee
and funnily enough, I let it grow cold

standing strong for as long as you can,
and sitting down to retrieve a breath

my routine
till death

-

yes the years have gone by
but the scent of a burning cigarette
and kisses in between hasn't left
it may have been a dream
but I will carry it forever
maybe it wasn't too good to be true
it was true and it was good
a short time felt like a long while
how are you
time has passed and my greatest wish is for you to heal
you locked the door, every one you could find
and my smile you could see from heavens away

is he who you really want?

is it his eyes, sharp shooters that have seen the world that I love

is it his mouth
that says the words that fill the void at the moment, but could never stand alone

or perhaps his hands
that hold me and comfort me
that allow me a sense of home within cracking walls and leaking faucets

My brother had always corrected me on my faults
and I'd go off on a tantrum
of course
because I was young
but the kicker is
at school
when the same issue or topic was skewed
I would fight back
saying exactly
the words my brother
had used.
hmmm...
That leads me to believe
I really look up to my brother
more than he can see
that in the back of my head
I knew he was right
I just wanted to initiate a fight.

I love you Ty Ty <3

I attract easily to those who are far
Distant hearts and minds that are somewhere I haven't been

I'm always ready to come close,
to near the airport and land your love.

night darkened his eyes, heightened the heights of one step down
lengthened the time of a second into decades
worried him to death

don't run away from the pencil
don't run away from the pencil

seeing the command written down,
scares me

writing makes me remember what I would like not to

there is one person you can trust.

it's you,

that you'll stick by your side

no promises to break

no

do you ever feel like a bad person
not by the word of someone else
but an inner disgust;
a creeping crawling entity that takes you down a path

no control but all the control in the world
crows one by one picking apart your thoughts

scavenging
eating away at any sense of belief you had in yourself

washed away like a sink once full of ***** dishes

I breathe but feel that's a privilege,
many before with purer hearts have gone

but me
I'm still here

We cry that we are alive, they cry that we’ve died.

A connection between two souls
emerges from an uncertain eye
nothing will happen though,
we both remain shy

Happiness is uncontrollable
and when it occurs
you will automatically know, know

here is the setting:
in a church choir
everybody smiling with such desire

but when the chorus hit
I couldn't handle it!
The beats and rhythm
even the tune!

first a smile sprouts on my face
then progressively changing
into a large grin
almost laughing
and then laughing

I pinched myself
to remember people were watching
but It wasn't working..

I thought about death
maybe that would make me depressed
but the chorus came again

and I knew
I couldn't hold it in!

the wicked sound of the trees brushing past
the raindrops that would have races down their unforgiven paths
the smell of gasoline because my dad was cheap
the radio on alternative again for all to hear
the long talks about life and weather
made me feel I could stay in there forever

the car rides with my dad

this was a fateful day however
it seemed like we were driving forever
when we curved out of place
and took up someday else's space
Halt we came to an abrupt stop
colliding ends with a truck

I panicked inside
at the same time-
the air bags released
and I could barely breath!

my stomach felt like churning butter
my eyes only fluttered
my dad asked: are you okay?

I said a simple yes
I didn't feel like elaborating
on this tremendous experience.

he wiped his brow
grabbed his glasses
they were broken now
shattered into pieces like grands of molasses  

the police arrived
as I stood there stuttering

this was all surreal .

my dad was furious
though he held it in very well
on account we just bought the car
and now it looks like a piece of tar

he looked me square in the eyes and said

**"honey...I'm just glad we are alive!"

He has eyes that wander
Wander through creaks and upstream
Down riverbanks and across the jungle floor

He has eyes that escape
Escape the connection of two souls merging

I don't know I can be enough for someone who is always searching for better

But you never realize how much you want a minor inconvenience when your mind feels numb

how much you want to be embarrassed,
have sweat rolling down your chin
to get stung by a hornet and walk in the path of the storm

I want to be late for work,
stuck in traffic,
lost in space and time itself--
feel the heat and pressure of life digging it's expectations and riddles in your back

I want to lose my keys for the rest of eternity,
break down on the highway because maybe then my silently breaking heart won't feel so left out

This silence is dangerous

how much you want to feel both the intensity and dullness of emotion
-kaitlynmarieadiary

Right here in this moment. I’d like to be sealed. An envelope for a future generation, to exhibit how great life really feels

right here in this moment. I'd like to be forgotten. A ripped piece of paper, thrown away, left in the closet.

Some things are too good to be true
And others are just that good

As much as I can hope you will want me as much as I want you
I'm slowly learning to un-like you




unlike you...

I like your eyes right after you cry

crystal and repaired

Lost in the sounds of tomorrow

I’m a tree in a forest,
Pretty strawberry blonde hair,
Hiding in the middle of the open,
Words to say but no one to express
Passing faces but nobody wants to stay
Been not showing up to work like I can live off of guilt

Can still be strong enough to march on when I’m holding onto a line of emotion that I have caused

A month ago.

How much I miss it

but what if I don't feeling like falling in love?

I'm tired.

It's not improper or a waste of time
not knowing where to move
four walls and you
listening to the sensation of music,
vibrate in your lungs and allow you to exhale
a breath of freedom and peace for the moment
people tend to forget about now and don't wanna try

for once I can write while listening to music,
I think it's because I'm finally letting people in

this isn't really an interesting poem

The spirit I seek
Is the only thing that can make me this whole

And I love it

we met in stages
I felt you as the parade got rained out
felt you again when it was time to go, say goodbye, get in the car, go home
dust and pebbles flew up as you left that driveway like you always did
as I age the river floods, dries up, floods, dries up, and everything in between
sadness has always been a river
a river freezing to the core  
and now you seek to find the ray of sunlight that you hoped would keep you warm

Until you've been through thick and thin with someone-
Experienced storm after storm
But was there for the sunny days
Has never fully given up, has loved without looking back
I love you

I do

Because I wouldn't be so worried to lose you

when is it my moment
I won't be warned
I won't be dressed in my best
and that's what he'll like

and maybe I've hit the drop off point
maybe I've done all I could do

torn away the last of the good
to see what remains
and maybe I'm looking for attention
or not paying enough

dropping the ball
picking up when things were good

don't do this to yourself

how far can u run until u r safe

...But you can never be certain

This world is so hard for certain people. Like a sewer inching your way, the same sewer you pretended to push me in, the same sewer I imagined one day falling while riding my bike, and eventually I did. I fell but I had a gut feeling I would. My brain didn't strap down and there I lay on the ground. sprawled like a kid. Because I was. And if the only way to being happy is to be a kid, then I'd definitely hitch a ride on the Lala train. Be more protected. I'd be more protected and care about. What do we care about? I strongly dislike having wider eyes than this universe. It hurts every time I blink

I let my heart out to play...
Wasn’t watching it like a responsible person,

And it ran away

I continuously feel guilty

because there's always someone to disappoint
always someone to look the other way

is this what it's like to be the bigger person?
is this what it means to agree to disagree?

these thoughts don't make sense

if the only thing you care about is your **** size,
you've got BIGGER problems.

The most torture I would like for you to endure

is the memory of someone who adores you,
I hope i look beautiful in your visions,
and it hurts every inch of your heart
i hope it ties knots in your stomach
and you feel the burning singe of regret
and that it doesn't stop

my wish is for the night sky that one special night
colors your eyes
and the taste of my lips is what you crave

my wish is for you to love me
I wish it was the same

you stole a moment from me. Do you take good care of it? The seconds you wanted to be with me, what do you do with those memories?

It will take time for my mind and heart to heal~ in a month I've fallen off the pedestal. I miss you. I miss us.

You said you love me
what does loving me mean?
walking away
not staying
turning your back
fraying

today I strung along with my pink backpack and hat that didn't fit

I walked alone with the breeze and eyes that walked instead of feet

down to the place I always go, where I see people come in and out

of my view and nocturnal youth only knowing what they can see

I don't blame them for having more friends than me

for socializing and living

for that's who I am

and that's what I'm missing

but I stay tucked in my corner

in case the sky breaks

-

Underneath my glittery lids and cheeks,

I am still glittering