waiting on "i love you"

like clouds i shoot down

when im drunk

when you arent around.

my happiness

a soulless task.

i'll only see your eyes,

when time decides to lure me

from a certain kind of lie

but like the time before

i hit a floor I drunkenly adore

behind a closed door.

wake up

a pool of sweat

with things that you regret

you shake and call your friends

but their still tired of your ****.

so tilt your head back

closed eyes let your throat relax.

sudden singing

with some carpet on your back.

saying things

you would have said to her.

your eyes are stars in skies

she'll never see again.

i might as well try,

to move moons where you'll swoon,

with some shaky hands,

I could give to you.

if i ever saw you again,

i'd never know what to say.

I'd forget the things i used to hold.

I couldn't reach your eyes,

and never meet your soul.

but my heart's still on fire,

while the flame is so old.

i want to disappear in a dream,

you don't see,

where words dont mean anything.

im sorry for being mean

your smile used to be a sun.

went out when i was drunk.

embraced the dark until i saw

the color black

the black that all my life becomes.

what color is a life undone?

and if all the stars ever fade away,

i'd lie and say I'll be okay.

that marble moon would maybe stay.

and if that moon would fade away,

I'd lie and say I'll be okay.

your embrace couldnt hold this flame,

this thing that burns us in every way.

second best to a dying day,

but my favorite thing is how you stay.

my love is on the mountain,

my love is in the trees.

my love is bound by nothing,

not even violent seas.

to my love,

the sun is just a ball of string,

like my soul, it's pulled,

and then released.

and nothing changed.

my friends were far away,

i dried up on the second floor,

listening to childish banter,

just a few yards below.

and i loved you when it snowed,

i loved you before it even was cold.

before you weren't as old.

just a year but you never would know.

im an angel dying for the star's glow.

left without love, and leaking all hope.

i hope that the moment i leave,

is precious to hold.

and when my spirit fades away,

i hope it takes away everything;

from my feet to my tingling face,

everything so hard to say.

you were misfortuned to love,

such a soul who could not hold it.

yet we still loved,

but all for a moment.

like a sun on fresh eyes,

i see you when they're pressed.

i see what you wanted,

and granted you less.

i could leave on a chariot,

and write my own death,

whatever that hides what i left.

a few walls and a floor,

that i've turned to my bed.

i could say that I'm sorry,

but I'd rather be dead.

sweatpants and cold sweats.

sitting swiping social media.

sick but hungry,

ill yet not hungover.

seeing pretty things on a screen.

mood lights along a ceiling.

bright screen in front of me.

swallow drinks to feel anything.

missing friends but I'm sleeping.

wish mistakes into meaning.

where im not vile,

where im not drunk.

keeping promises,

controlling the sun.

soothing your mood,

shining the moon,

hoping that i see my friends soon.

the stars will still glow at night,

your arms will still hold tight.

traffic, sun, stop lights.

a dog will still bark.

a phone screen will light up,

and a splash in a pool.

favorite family traditions.

heartache and time,

love will persevere,

and every drug and downfall.

you'll pay your bills,

make your favorite meal.

you'll talk in theaters,

pray to creators.

fall in love with an actor.

Facetime best friends,

promise love until the end.

socialize and drink,

throwing up in a sink.

in a car, make a scene.

doctor wounds without degrees.

rehabilitate a broken dream,

as a bird patiently sings,

in a room with no shoe strings.

where you're well enough to breathe.

this person is me,

where i need to be.

and the world will sing,

while i make mine okay.

until then I'll be here,

without something to say.

my friends on a horizon,

while i fly below,

to pull cold air in my lungs.

lost in thought and constant sorrow.

i'm here and there,

sober and wasted and wanting.

im proud of the words I cant say.

or the way they have to sound.

ringing round and round around,

my mind without a single noun.

not all stars will show,

nor illuminate the snow,

but a winter cold,

will swallow our minds whole,

to steal away what we don't know,

with withered things that rest alone.

O, to hold another year,

for yesterday's a different fear,

but bold enough to bring it near.

to trace a soul that once was dear,

O, to hold another year.

may you feel a blessing in your chest.

may you feel more than my best.

may you pass every painful test.

may you heal every mess.

may you live longer than guessed.

please turn the ceiling to stars,

paint my walls with art,

pulling pain from my heart.

turn the floor into doors,

to a better place from here.

fill my sink full of hope,

eyes sinking ecstasy in a phone screen,

but we'll never say what we mean.

I'll keep myself together for you,

just to fall apart in this room.

my child couldn't ***** this flame,

every night a crying shame,

playing razor since 2016,

not afraid to not eat,

not afraid to not breathe,

i can cringe while i write and still read

i know how to keep my mouth shut,

while my hands do the talking,

all they do is lift a bottle,

my mouth is tired,

i know how to sleep like a baby,

and still feel like a liar,

how to shave my seconds with a

flick.

of a lighter.

now i feel lighter:

my favorite food is pizza,

i used to read,

i used to play [     ],

answer phone calls,

enjoy music without falling apart.

i could love without an ounce of fear.

the most painful thoughts,

are the most beautiful,

to those who can't understand it.

i'll never be a writer.

heaven only knows your eyes,

two things i don't deserve to see.

sending shivers down spines,

your movement motioned like a sea.

sometimes i see it like an eye blinks.

sometimes it lingers in my dreams.

only my soul,

could ever know what it means.

i know you're outside my door,

waiting for someone,

you probably adore.

but these walls are too pretty,

and i can finally feel the floor.

i know that you care,

yet i dont know anything anymore.

all I have is behind that door.

it's hard to keep looking forward.

it's hard to write and not feel stupid,

it's hard to open up and not refuse it.

but I love you and I'm sorry;

for missing all your favorite holidays.

a quiet fire split my stomach,

igniting weary weeds where,

you used to comfortably breathe.

made sure your soul was soot,

before you took your leave.

reliving my life through a screen,

living my life with a drink,

losing when i want to scream.

sleeping and hoping for dreams.

hanging on to the year,

for a moment you were there,

but im too scared to breathe,

without you here.

crazy men bury words and thoughts,

create entire rooms.

cry in front of full moons.

i made it right,

without rhythm,

with some time.

i loved you when you were alive.

if i could be in bloom,

for you,

for just a second,

instead of soon.

besides a spinning room.

my choice would always be you.

i made a grain of sand,

my world for twelve months,

to tell myself,

I'm only young once.

my face was wet,

I placed my bets,

then every one i loved left.

thought i knew at least one thing,

every word i've never seen.

I'll love the dark,

until the light it brings.

slowly poisoned,

in love with the clouds,

sunny days that are loud,

wont seem so terrible now.

i love you,

but for once its allowed.

one day you'll miss this sound,

when i feel like I'm not around.

i'd live another life,

to not know who you are.

I'd trade your face,

for a midnight bar.

the kind that blacks out the stars,

nothing will hurt worse,

than what i did to you.

no self-consoling,

ever came through.

i decided,

i dont want to know the truth.

whatever love is,

or what made me hold onto you.

you're my ticket out,

one i wish I could lose.

like a place of transportation,

would ever appear in this room.

cage me for years and call it soon.

with nothing but myself to lose.

how do i send you to the clouds?

when your life was ran into ground?

does it even matter now?

i saw you once in town.

some day I'll turn you into nouns.

something like love,

or something less loud.

be bold as a flame,

I'll never see you again,

but I'll love you in a flicker.

like a moment i couldn't trick,

but you're my favorite,

among such unknown company.

but its there,

like you're not,

I'll spend eternity unraveling,

this knot.

the white of a door,

never felt lonelier,

than your face imprinted,

from a long lost sun.

for a year i carried each second.

like a wreck,

who knows nothing else.

i still dream you sober.

wishing you could come over,

for a minute, be a lover.

all my dreams are three-leafed,

always missing a clover.

i called you at a gas station,

running from feelings and friends,

so selfless but as scary as demons,

choosing shaking over reason.

i saw a street sign you hung onto,

i saw a smile you used to give,

before you stopped giving,

a flawless time i never saw.

i saw my life in ribbons,

when my drinking raced,

to the one you didnt exist.

I'd give anything to reinvent this.

a second chance,

you shouldnt give.

old friends lie,

waiting for me to die,

never looking in the eye.

like my mother in time,

i choose the coward side.

but my soul is only mine,

would you call it a crime,

if i wanted this life?

i used to feel each moment you felt.

a year flies by.

while i wait for the snow:

so fresh and unknown.

where i never heard your screams,

and I never felt your feelings.

every footprint at night,

could not record in that pure white.

I have lived, losing many lives,

even the ones that were mine.

i wish you were proud,

in line,

i see each soul,

that never turned around.

I've melted into the ground,

i feel some things that keep me loud.

god and alcohol arent allowed,

i pray my loss,

is something else i found.

silent knocks on my door,

i don't see you,

what did i adore

cigarettes in front of my door.


its horrifying,

silently sliding through another night.

crying and trying, I'm dye

ing to change each night before it.

i'd spend a lifetime,

tearing stars from the night,

just to recreate your life.

my hands wrap a moist canister,

I'll ignore your eyes,

and your life.

never was i further from the strife.

I found you floating in my dreams,

moments i was unable to believe.

for a second of you,

i would **** a large part of me.

a few favorite words,

i wish i could have meant.

engraved thoughts,

a heart made of cement.

you sure made my knees swoon,

each time I said I'd love you soon.

now you're just a dozens drinks,

some things i wish I'd never seen.

I'll love you to death,

and never know what it means.

you'll always mean something to me.

I'll leave you just as soon,

as my heart will let itself beat.

I'll love you long,

until i cannot breathe.

i know that isnt promising,

as death and several alcoholic drinks.

I'll still love you with some words,

you wont ever see.

oh,

the horrendous ways,

i have climbed to forget you.

the more i forget,

the harder it is.

your soul sold with my own,

my life unknown

drag a voice inside the house,

that neither of us ever knew.

did you know the love of your life,

would turn you into liquid courage?

to make it through another night,

the kind that hid from both your eyes.

fast forward to the night i almost died,

all apart, you stood on the side,

to this day i dont know why.

i was less of a man,

and something like a circus ride,

that won't forget the time of our life,

to be shoved into a bitter rhyme.

the sun'll be higher than the moon,

my heart'll still be a monsoon,

but i'll promise myself,

i still love you.

i kept my favorite things,

from strangers, just to fall in love.

what is love,

but spiders that crawl across dust?

never knowing what's above,

only holding what they love?

my pad is haunted by bottle glass,

awaiting harvest,

from their owner's happiness.

the cure is poison,

so they stand so obediently,

through soul-less days and nights,

waiting for their time.

i'd pour happiness,

if i knew how to hold it,

i'd give it to you,

breaking your neck,

replace it with mine.

pointless actions,

redeem my favorite friends.