You want me to believe
I'm the only one you see
But I am not naive
You see things I cannot think of
I bet she sees all the things
You rep everything but me, love

My pride is compiled into miles of sighing
I've tried to unwind
but it has tightened it's binding
I'll stop crying;
& try finding
Where my mind might be hiding
Behind the despise
or beside my  u n w i s e  compromising
I'm not blind but sometimes
I'd like to be
I use to enliven the linings
now i'm ripping up seams
The feel of uneasy
even greets me in my sleep
cause i'm the one I have to sleep with
& I don't sleep with obsoletes
"Everyone makes mistakes" they say
but that doesn't change a thing
cause when I look into the mirror
I hate the girl I see
Pride is surprising, only the good deserve to have it
the evil can't have pride
cause we confuse it with bad habits

Like fire
Lit beneath my feet
My eyes open wide
My speech
bent to scream
My knees holding all of me
Up & to the side
I wait for you
Till it's too late
I return to the same place
Where I made my mistakes
Mine
My mind
& now I'm not ashamed of them
But I'm still being shamed for them
& I'm pushing through
Pressed against it
My lips turning blue
and I can't help but be
annoyed
Exploited
It's not who I am
& I'm proving to be
Just what you want anyway
Which isn't at all
What I need

I'm tossed up between
Belief & leaving
Cause nothing's the same
& I don't feel shame when
I'm daydreaming
& you believe
In something else
In something I don't need to
deal with
I believe in what's best for myself
No longer arresting my feelings
So it's time that I reel in
My slack
& go back
To a time when I was confident
Cause this time's got me
Trapped
Locked inside a sarcophagus
I won't waste anymore words
I'll just climb to the top again
While you play swords
With this girl
Who adores
like a whirlwind

Me a fish
& you my sea
Your waves washed me
Onto the beach
The birds they came
& pecked my chest
My gills got filled
With earthly breath
I gasped and flipped
I flopped & squirmed
My fins went limp
My scales, all torn
(We go as fast as we are born)

I looked up high
Beyond the wind
& prayed to have  
Just one last swim
The sun went dim
The wind did blunder
Your waves create
and swept me under
I gasped again
But in reverse
Submersed and cursing every bird
My fins are ripped
I cannot swim
I float along your currents whims
I asked you why
You pushed me out
To watch me bleed
struck with a knout
You calmed and said
Simply to me
You are my fish
And me, your sea

I am not allowed
I sleep here
I walk into these walls
I lean
I lean
A rectangle
No longer affording rest
I change my sheets
It doesn't change a thing
A sea, full
Like my mothers house
A row of coral
Beautiful and rough
& I wonder where my home is
I wonder where her home is
In doing this
Tiny bits of purple
flowers crumbled
I try to calm your
Exhausted heart
Your feet up
Your head down
Who am I to know
When nothing stays
And nothing is saved
Or amazing
who are we to grow
At this age
And I thought I knew
(something)
About you
Daring
Dared
I dare you to tell me what you're thinking
You never really do
I can't dissect
Or just won't
And reaching out
I feel pulled
Pulling like
Judgement
Nasty, jealous
Waiting
For me to
Tear it all up again
But you
You, like a quiet dog
Heavy sigh
heavy sides
As you lay down
Next to me
And me
Like a mouse
Never calm
Until I'm dying

uprooted and tripped
I grip sticks
& lift myself
Up through the earth
I surf dirt
Tiny seconds of this
Tiny seconds of bliss
& rocks like
Steps
Steps
Steps
Built just for me
In this
Extravagant garden
This overlooked rock
A spot
I always long for

I see your face
& all the mistakes I made
While we dated
& I hate that ****
I'd like to replace it
With a milkshake & some cake
And say
"Hey. We're okay - that ****'s lame, the cakes great, let me help take the pain away."
& you'd say "okay"
I want to do it right this time
I know criminals tend to commit the same crimes
But you aren't blind
& neither am I
I'm not even here to win this time
And in time
I really hope you feel that

Tiny blocks of sky-bits
Got locked behind my eyelids
I'm blinded
I'm trippin
I watch you live
I give in
But hell - I don't listen
I'm ****** cause of this
I'm not dumb
I've been dumber
Cause you got other loves
Our loves lost like -
Time for slumber
Making moving forward
Feel more like going under
This is the story of my
Life
during this god awful summer
I'm struck
& you
You're like thunder to me
So loud
It's astounding
& you remain unseen

The reality of this is clear -
If I've got nothing to lose
Nothing to choose from
I got nothing to fear
I just want to believe again
& you knock like it's easy
To turn this ****
& let you back in
But you run
Deeper than blood
In this skin
I'm pushing you out through a vein
& we can't even be friends
We can't even be NOTHING
a race that ended weeks ago
& I'm still out here running
It isn't fun anymore
I ought to be done with with it
I wanna slow burn you off of my tongue
With some *** and sit
Quiet
No drums
No lines to spit
It's time to do me
Like where I come from
The sun is lit
And I'll just follow the sky
Like a crow
With tunnel vision

The sea has shown me
Many things
Like how to float
How not to sink
To be aware of danger's tales
To live amongst the sharks
The whales
The sea she cures my sores
With salt
Waves that shave my
Every thought
The wind she sends
A scent that melts
Everything I thought I felt
In the sand a name was carved
The waves they came
& Dissolved it off
Nothing left of me and you
I watch the sun pass by the moon
And slide my body through the sand
And swim unseen
Till I see land

This stream of consciousness
Is nonsense
Like following monsters
When monsters
Do. Not. Win.
Only a flounder could swim
To the depths of my sin
If only I found her
Before I got swept in this whim
& that's when I heard her say "maybe"
Again
Let me swerve in reverse
& then change what I did
Now my whole soul is cursed
& this cannot be fixed
This is the last time we kiss
& I'm sure that I'll miss you
I wish this clash would have lasted
But now I'm forced to forget you

Breaking bonds
Like haunted hearts
Inside lost jars
From sunken ships
Lost at sea
I'm lost you see
& I can't tell you that
Cause it's not up to me
[Anymore]

I stood crooked
& overlooked the good
I looked stupid
She never understood
Unwind ruthless
Instead of what you should
I'm now roofless
& drowning in a flood
My blood; truth less
Draining every vein
I feel useless
With no rights to explain
How I'd do this
A brain slain with shame
Like I'm clueless
With only me to blame
Like I knew bliss
But flushed it down the drain
I'll get through this
When you forget my name
& the truth is
This pain will stay the same
Cause you'll never be proud again
And I'll forever be ashamed

I sink
Sank in July
And scrape with my hate
I scraped why
Deep into my sides
Like knives
Falling from the sky
I want them all
To land in my eye
And stab
What's left of my mind
July 5th
You're my sickness
If I had more fists
I'd punch out my own ribs
Blood the color
Of my lipstick
& beg like a liar
With no power
I fly lower
Than ever
& ever
& ever
& ever
& I'll never remember
Why
But I'll always remember
July

I look back on conversations
Full of excitement
I look back at these moments
That ruled and enlightened
This looking back makes me sad
& It's all that I have now
I'm frightened and mad
That this sad has my throat
Pressed down to the mat
Laid flat on the ground
& forced to look forward
I'm twisting my neck  
Cause I haven't learned how
To let go of you yet

I thought I heard you whisper
before I heard you speak
knowing nothing
a b o u t
you
I politely took a seat
now these
days I've spent
and mornings
drinking memories
of a face
that I now long for
haunting
every part of me
an accidental kiss
can feel so monumental
an encounter just like this
can make the soul feel
transcendental
connections give us strength
for they are
natural
and simple
it is the circumstance we thank
for making love in life
essential

Body stomping
like crushed bones beneath lead feet
my cheek meets the ground
my teeth start to bleed
hi it's nice to meet you
says the concrete to my jaw
I said I didn't know you cared so much
it's not often that I fall

the sign said no right turn
I went the wrong way instead
I said I should have walked left
to get you out of my head
but far I walked right
so far I walked wrong
tapping my feet
to this god awful song
and stomping I stopped
& turning around
it was me who left herself
to peel what was left
right off of the ground

i have been led to believe , in my experience with being in-love,
that love is based on the knowledge gained and profound simplicity of feeling entirely connected and enamored with another person; that this feeling takes time after a period of time in which the party in question would eat together, go on hikes, dancing, movies, borrow a shirt, go to church, beach etc. whatever / estimating anywhere from one week to 5 months ... & sometimes even longer than that. (I KNOW) - those of you who believe in love at first sight ... well you're another breed... anyway... love at first sight ... like i was saying ...
I went to the store tonight.
I bought toilet paper and beer.
I stood in a very long line.
I watched a woman put back a box of ice-cream and felt proud of her; even though she didn't look happy for doing it -
she just didn't want to stand in that line and would probably get ice cream elsewhere!
On my walk back from that grocery store (about half a block from the store)
I looked up from lifting the beer
because it wasn't comfortable to hold it how i was holding it ....  
and I saw
someone walking to their car
This girl
The girl
this girl
and she smiled at me
she wore a beanie
and she was thin
and her hair was brown i think
I only saw her for 5 or 6 seconds
which at the time felt like a long time
but my short term memory isn't great sometimes
and her face is starting to fade  now
but i still see it
i see her neck
and I see her smile
it embarrassed me a little
it's funny when you grin at someone
I grin at people on the street all the time
it's quick
it's fixed
but a smile ... it has levels
this one
went from a friendly grin
to a shy
growing smile
with eyes
and shoulders
and heart
and stomach
and I didn't know about that difference
(until tonight)
but it filled me up
and i felt drunk on it
and i felt everything
and i felt all of it
in 5 seconds
and it's bugging me now
because i can't shake it
and i don't know why
i've never felt like this
not
one
bit
and i went home
and i told my best friend
and she told me to write about it
so here I am
and it's been a few hours now
and my friend is alseep
and I think she's asleep
and I should be asleep
and I think i'm over it now
or just over thinking
and over thinking
but i'm still thinking about it
and i haven't really climbed
so i'm not over anything
so i'll keep smiling instead
because it made me smile
and that felt good
and i just want to sit with that
and she gave me that
and that's all it has to be
so I believe in love at first sight
it's the best

I'm never alone
I just entered a world
where a hummingbird
twirled and danced
and formed
a swirl
that pulled my soul
into a whirlwind
a sanctuary
a forest
and i'm the only one using words here
i'm smaller than the birds
and they allow me to sit here
and watch them
not fly
but peck the ground at my feet
and for once
i'm not defeated
because what i see
is clear
and it's all I've ever needed
and i have no fear
cause the trees protect me
when I breathe
deeper
than I ever could tangled in city lights
and bars with different people
I lean with the weeds and the leaves
that leaves me feeling weightless
thousands of limbs and twigs
rocks and cliffs
with more control than we dare to give credit
but i give my life for this
i'm forever indebted

every sip
that enters
sends shivers
down my legs
and the burn
in return
goes straight to my head
I use this juice
to fuel
uses
of what
you
just
read
this ***
is a drum
that plays music
to
my chest
and turns it red
this ism in my genetics
i've learned to embrace it
this drink
makes me think
I refuse to erase it
ceremonial to me
and less like disease
cause it pleases
the need
for me
to write down
anything
like i'm awake
but i'm dreaming
see dreaming is queen
and queens are things
that mean
everything to me
so I keep drinking
and thinking
and writing it down
i'm thinking of
drinking
while writing this down

I can't be bothered anymore
I cannot stand in the sand
and think sinking is all that
I've planned for
No more doors or floors
or man made rules
to call you tools is unruly
cause tools do more than
your mind and body
could ever be good for
i'd rather fear storms more
and ignore these ****** wars
that all of you stand for
I'd rather climb trees
and believe that grass
and bees do more
for me
than any human being
ever did with their
forearms
I am not ungrateful
but I feel more truth
in a pile of dirt
and less hurt by hornets
than humans
stores
or awkward moments
have a bear take my life
rather than disease
you take so much of everyone's life
when you cut down these trees
please believe me
i'm speaking for the leaves
and if you have lungs too
you should see what I mean

I quit being okay with this
I quit feeling like I can't breathe
and hiding everything that's real to me
it's my choice right?
to throw in the towel
and just forget it
to just be me
I just want to be with me
no one sees that
cause everyone just wants
what feels good to them
and I don't want to feel good to anyone
anymore
I don't feel good anymore
I just want to be a friend
to a friend
who knows how to be a friend to me
because my heart is heavy
how could you know
when you've never held it
it's heavier than ever
and my chest wasn't built for it
and how could you know
if I don't speak of it
I never speak
and I want everything
but i can't get a thing
silently
acting like this
soon no one will want it
and who am i kidding
i'm left kissing the inside of this door
i keep *slamming

Please
stop me if I speak to much
but don't blush when I punch you
when the brink of my preach gets rough
cause what kind of lover am I
and what kind of family man
who leaves when he wants
letting go of softer hands
and with no thought out reason
cause it was christmas and I loved you
and soon it will be christmas again
without either fingers
or arms or wrists or anyone
tearing toys on the floor
I want more of this
you see
but I fight a demon inside of me
& he doesn't like to see me happy
does he

Simple
gentle
smile
so much of you
drives me wild
pride
i'm proud to shout
shout i'm devout
****
i'm being loud
and letting you out
like a cloud
in my sky
and always on my mind
i never pried
but tonight
i'd fight to make you mine
golden shrine
you're a diamond
rocks frighten me
but tonight, you enlighten my senses
defenseless to your groove
i'm moved by your moves
and the moon swoons
over how soon your bloom platoons
the whole room into fumes of you
& these spoons dig grooves
that prove
i should
be good at you

My words
these words
to her they mean nothing
I feel like burnt bread
left stale in the oven
she wants
she wants
me to feel
and feel all of these things
but she wants nothing to do
with the one
thing
that means
[everything]
to me

My lady cried
she holds a baby inside
I couldn't believe
in what she was feeling

denied the keep
her heart was screaming at me
oh what a night
and I couldn't be there

changing her mind
my heart it breaks every time
to hear her say
she wants me to be there

that this boy is mine
I've been crowned so many times
and in her eyes
I see our lives
fly by

& when he's born
I will wish I was home
so far away
from all that i'm known for
now

An angel sleeps
so far away from me
she use to be
a dream I would pray for

her heart it bleeds
as she begs me to see
e v e r y t h i n g
we laid down and stood for

better than me
cause she feels effortlessly
the truth that pries
and pounds on my front door

But I still leave
like i'm too blind to believe
that I could have been
all that she hoped for

One day she'll see
when she is forgetting me
that she's a Queen
that she deserves so much more
than
me

I sit cross legged on a rock
drinking a lot out of a top with an octopus on it
with all these thoughts in a knot
like I swallowed a shot of hot lava
and i'm bothered see
I mean
this bothers me
I don't want to sit blocked
I want the ability to think clearly
I feel the wind on my skin and that helps me begin freely
and as the clouds wash all this doubt
I feel the ground
coming to drown out all of my pleads
I start choking on leaves
until a tree sneezes
from the debris I was cleaning
leaving me and my knees to bleed
i'm on the side of this cliff
& if I slip
i'll probably start to believe in all kinds of things
but i don't want to slip to believe
I want to just breathe it
and being here clearly steers my fear away
like nature was all that I needed

You're transparent
But I've found that clear pages are very hard to read

I don't read you anymore
polluted all my secret spots
and if you wrote one thousands words
my eyes won't have a single one
you see I have a billion thoughts
already
plastered in my head
one more word
i feel of yours
might corrupt each word I've said
and so I'll kindly let you know
that i won't
read anymore poems
i'm still so lost in my own soul
your stories
pour pain down my throat
and
i'm trying like a king
to be open to this reading
not really knowing much about you
confuses what I should believe in

I let you inside
every time
and the times that I don't
is because you're no where to be found
you make me laugh and make me want
to taste the sound of your voice
I laugh, you catch my hand
and let me taste all of your noise
you are an angel
such beauty in his brand
I know i'm not good at you yet
but then again maybe I am
and your lips are so unreal to me
your skin is like dessert
you tempt my need to be an astronaut
when you release me from this earth
I forget all of my patterns
my boxes open up
you're a breath of mountain air
you're like water in my cup
and our lips can out-dance
anyone
i've known this to be true
and you'll always be a dream of mine
til' I can have what's left of you

you were an earthquake
shaking everything around me
where feet once planted firmly
you'll find me lying on the ground
I'm not here to reassure you
I don't owe a single sound
I bled when you would touch me
my insides bled with you around
Always worried I would face you
but see love, it makes me weak
and **** I knew I loved you
but you burned it out of me
I make moves
and some decisions
based upon your hands
hands i use to trust
turned into strands of broken muscles
and you took more than I had
I was entirely for giving
what you stole from me was light
cause light exposed my broken skin
and every time I think about you
my nails t u r n i n t o bullets
that I press against my temples
ready to blow through thoughts of you
like a virus in my blood
you infected all my feelings
you tore a child out of me
& until death will I forgive you

Golden eyes
you disguised pain so beautifully
you hid my love notes in your shoes
you thought you loved the girl I used to be
I thought I knew what love was made of
pressed against your car
you smelled just like the ocean
I felt kept inside your arms
I had no knowledge of commitment
I was only seventeen
wanting a body made of heaven
born decades before me
we smoked cigarettes and danced
for hours in the rain
you were as gentle as the wind
I didn't mean to cause you pain
confusion is a cloud that visits
every n o w and t h e n
when I think of nights spent on the phone
and days worshiping your skin
whether or not you think of me
is fine and either way
you were a message wrote in cursive
that I r e p e a t everyday

my first love letter
my first gin and tonic
you planted passion in me
you were older
and I was under
& you didn't live in Texas
and I wonder sometimes
about you
and if when I was
16 that any of my
w i s h e s
for you would ever come true
and they didn't
but I always got you
you were always mine
you are my never-ending story
and I will forever
g l o r i f y you in my mind
because everything I know
about anything that I show up with
was influenced by you
you taught me how to write
you are a painting on the walls of
my chest
in lipstick
i always wanted to smear your lipstick
and fall asleep tangled in your legs
and I never knew what any of that meant
and when I did, I associated it with you
I think I still do
I am older now and I can sift through that
quickly and speak to you better
& now this chest is so comfortable where I keep you
even though I never grew out of wanting to
I guess I'll never stop loving you
and I'm grateful for that
because I've loved you for 11 years
and this love has taught me more than
anyone who i've wasted my senses on

I could write entire novels
slowly down your body
my lips pretend to be a pencil
and your spine, my only hobby
gripping tightly to your chest
as if your bones are now my desk space
carving letters of my longing
down your arms
my lungs are desperate
for the right to be your air
while my breath endures this chest ache
forgetting what a life outside
is like
your ribs become my breakfast
your body is a mountain
I continually climb
and your neck becomes a bite of hope
that haunts me all the time
your skin is like an ocean
your salt becomes my wine
you build with your two legs
a space for me to live inside
and I study what you're made of
I compare you to the sky
like the moon you glow on top of me
like the stars you blow my mind

twenty something

It's funny how years and years go by
in a place
where pain once burrowed
so intently
at that time
when it had nothing else to do
but torture my limbs
and make heavy my knees
i remember hating my feet
for weeks I didn't speak
defeat
that swelled my eyes
I was a baby
and you were mine
and I chased you
like a dog
I was always a dog
I followed you to the end of your smile
and kissed it so many times
more than I'd ever kissed anyone
still to this day
I praise you
much differently than then
of course
we are both women now
we still share the same friends
but you're never around when I'm with them
I get this, it's different
and I don't even mean to think about it
I just remember growing
and you were always around
and I always chased you
I think I still chase you
and I know i'm still growing
I've just always needed to say thank you for that

I have a love
I've grown to know
this love it is the best
it kisses all my fingers
it lays atop my chest
I have a love
that's sensitive
this love
swallows the rest
because this love
is not obsessed
it  leaves me un-repressed
I have a love
I'll say again
this love is like a pen
it writes to me
incessantly
& so
I
let
it
in

I remember first your sentences
I remember next your voice
I remember all the time you took
I remember all your books
what does it mean right now
to remember everything
when I'm breaking you in half
like you don't mean anything
that's not a fact at all
you see
I love you everyday
I miss you every second
there's just something in the way
my brain I feel is killing me
I'll hate myself tomorrow
I ****** up all the things I love
like knives it feels i've swallowed
day by day I take this
and day by day you cry
I need to level out this strife
I hear you begging me to try
I lay down by myself at night
at night is when I die
cause every second that I take
is one i've let go by
I fear my own indignance
and this guilt builds homes inside me
like i'm living for myself
but now this time it feels like dying
I cannot live inside a lie
too hard for me to swallow
I pray everyday
that I can better my tomorrow
I hope that when you read this
it does not make you sad
I hope that all your days are full
of hope for what you have
this life we live is all too short
we're all under it's spell
the moon, she tells me every night
to live a life un-dwelled
I try to remember this when the sun is
blaring light
and she is also telling me
there's no life without a fight

Intuition of a witch
Is not one for weak bones
You see our glitches make you twitch
It's now our bones you call home
I see everything
And anything
You're trying to explore
You're walking through a tunnel
and suddenly see a door
Twisting at its ****
Has you stopping in your tracks
You see now how I've got you
Turned from your own path?
We witches get these itches
That turn our chests to metal
That we specifically build into cages
for hearts to sleep and settle

I've constantly been floating
my body is a boat
& i can't see which way i'm going
no one wants to climb inside
these lonely oars
they aren't rowing
but these waves
pull me away
from the shores
i call my home
the water's cold
and without knowing
there's a hole
inside my sole
there's a flood inside my stowage
and i'm sinking rather slowly
I know not of where i'll go
now that i am no longer floating
at least i know
that fish have hope
for boats with holes
to build a home in

I'm straddling the fence
but at least i have some choices
see
if i fall on either side
i'll still be making noise
wondering
which side might destroy me
this side has some grass
i think i'll start exploring
I start losing my grasp
I think I've started thinking
a little bit too much
I hop over the left side
and land face first in mud

I feel unleashed
like an animal
ready to sink my teeth
instinctively tearing your meat
& my eyes
focused only on the prize
exposed  b o n e s
and my nose runs with your blood
drowning my decency
cause
s e c r e t l y
the  frequency of your scream
clearly releases me
this sequence of release
greedily pleases me
i'm licking you clean
thinking how
eating never came so easily

I spoke to you today
and i don't feel okay about it
cause i talk to you this way
& my brain freezes the thought of shouting
you don't deserve the pain
it's enough for me to plow through doubting
I fight the right to go insane
& my heart can't take the way we're sounding

If I were a spy
I'd climb behind your eyes
And try to disguise your mind into mine
I'd use my magnifying glass
To accentuate the grasp
You have on my time
If you caught me I'd lie
& politely say hi
While my mind screams
"You're mine"
& in time I'll remind you
But until then
I'll kindly
Act fine and  
I'll find moves
To use to define rules
I break just to write lines
That describe how you move me

what do you know
about who I am
when you're deep inside my body
or holding my hand
and what do you know
about what I'm feeling
when you're staring at my eyes
do you know how much I love you
i'm finding it very hard to hide
if you could hear my thoughts
or ******* passion
you'd know that you're fastened to my ribs
can you tell by my reaction?
i'm not asking for an answer
i'm not asking for a breath
I'm begging silently on paper
that you trust what's in your chest

Emilia

What a beauty I saw
as you strutted on past me
Singing a 70's tune on the sidewalk
looking absolutely classy
Your hair was long
and your skirt, kinda flashy
your eyes were set free
from your cute little glasses
your voice was like a blade
you sliced me like an apple
you were a glowing caramel latte
in a crowd full of *******
I remember your presence
luminescent as the moon
over a castle in the forest
and how you light up every room
you're in my blood like we're one body
I rep you proud with a tattoo
there's not a day that I don't miss you
or a minute wishing I didn't have to

I lie awake in the waves of the wake you left me in
My lungs fill with water until my chest bursts open
My body is a lake again
I know I make mistakes but I can't fake like I can displace your skin
I sink deep with every crash
Let me in
Let me in
Let me in
Let me

I am stuck on this surface
with man eating serpents
that tear down your layers
and turn you into servants
with sharp daring teeth
and disease ridden purpose  
they'll eat you for breakfast
and save your hands for dessert
it's a plan for the worst
if you think that you deserve it
if you think you're worth more
than speak profound for the wordless
don't look down when you're nervous
these words will burn through your dermis
fight for what it's worth
our souls patrol for what's important
it's your soul that has a purpose
it's your right and you deserve it
speak for what you love
for love confirms the earth's performance

the tongue is just a muscle
that helps our face to taste things
your tongue allows the hustle
that breaks the grace
of tasting
your tongue juggles the struggle
when you eat me like a pastry
my thighs are now your muzzle
and your knuckles **** my brains clean