Nothing you say now
Feels familiar and I
Thought I'd never see the day
I couldn't count on anything
Not even numbers
I just roll my eyes
I roll them so when I look back
the pain from straining
Will stop the remembering
And I'm forced to wait
To see clearly again

are miles suppose to mean something to me ?
if I don't breathe when I'm with you
if I can't breathe when you leave
it's the same **** thing
[ e v e r y  t i m e  ]
I scribble these lines
I try making them rhyme
am I just wasting mine ?
what is all this time good for ?
torture maybe ?
if miles separate lives
when i'm  dying to find
the right lines to align
and building this frame
with nothing behind it
the sky is the limit
but the sun is so blinding
so I go out at night
and chase moonlight with wine sips
I've learned not to trust wine lips
or lips at all, really
cause i'm afraid of the brain
that makes it all so appealing

Am I thinking too much
Or is it too little ?
Consumed with what's in between
I found you in the middle
so riddle me this
there's a flick in my wrist
it wants to push and press
breathlessness
from under your hips
out of your lips
i want you to grip both my shoulders
turn your weight into shapes
I'll hold, unfold and then smoulder
your tongues a bit young
for my taste when I'm sober
i'm not one to hold back
turn this hole in my face to it's holster
i'm not bold but I'm brave
I'll probably break if I hold her
& the older I get
seems the more I grow colder
it was the cold that unfolded
the roll of my boulder
she's the ice in the road
that stole the control
I lost in October

I don't believe that I was forward
but you pointed straight ahead
and I didn't insinuate our ***
but you gave me head in my bedroom
your legs, those legs
should not leave my blankets
your hair smelled like fall does
& your chest made me anxious
you laid there like a goddess
I should have hand fed you grapes
you stole my night and my morning
I should have asked you to stay
but it's okay
now it's daytime and i'm keeping myself busy
you left your smell on my fingers
& it's making me dizzy
I smiled as you left
& when you walked out the door
I saw your car leave the yard
& your ******* on my floor

I'm wondering if
I loosen my fist
if the weight of my
persistence
could end with a kiss
it's a gift that I wish for
on a list that i've written
a name that i've scribbled
and penned down and sipped on
for the millionth minute
for the millionth time
& every time that you smile
i trip ten steps behind
but I run to catch up
& I pick up my jaw
I'm in awe of you darling
no, and that isn't all
I want all of you darling
but I don't want to fall
so I drop to my knees
and I crawl
and I crawl
and I crawl

I squirm
to form words
I know you've already heard them
I want to say something new
learn a different slogan
I'll write a different poem
every single night
explaining the importance of time
& your sides next to mine
it's a line
these are lines
but none of them are lying
I'd like to pick through your mind
and climb the
flights
        of
           your
                   spine
bite your smile
find your binds
and slowly untie them
redefine what's sublime
leave behind all the silence
what's inside this
no one knows
I think I know where this is going
If I could convince you late at night
to just be mine
& keep you moaning
keep on crowing
keep on throwing
your name to the moon
i want to wrap you in my blankets
and keep you in my room
I know it's soon
it's all too soon
but i'm making room for it
I've got a lot on my mind
and you're the lot i'm exploring
but I'm not pouring this up
I hope you've got it by now
while I tackle your why's
watch me worship your how's

Let's start with some words
before we go any further
before I get lost in this world
that exists on your shoulders
before I allow you to break me in
& wear me out
I'm about to convince my nerve endings
that we need to fly south
but I flout
I doubt bouts
as I
shut
down
my mouth
in fear of every word
burning
my insides & out
cause they are loud
& it shrouds me
like a cloud or thick smoke
you evoke this hoax that I've drowned in
& throw boats down my throat
how can I float in a landslide ?
it's making me dizzy
how can I grow if your lies are what's keeping me busy?
it's misery really
& the feel won't fulfill me
so I dump myself out and rebuild what i'm missing
I spilled all the will I had left for this feeling

Are you a weapon
Or a rose
I can hardly tell
If only I could hold it in my fist
Or contemplate the smell
This is hell
This is hell
I'm certain I have fallen
I try to learn all of my lessons
& suddenly forget how I was taught them  
My chest
This chest
Please give it a rest now
Here i choke on your petals
And slowly digest how
My mouth saved the flavor
Of every thorn
You should come with a warning
"beware of her sword"
I've been warned
This is war
On all of my breaths
I'm a wreck for every freckle
That lives on your chest
But you're a threat
You're a threat now
& I'm just left to guess
Where the next arrows stabs
And I'm not left with much flesh
I digress
I digress
E v e r y message
Through all of the silence
I loudly suppress all my questions
With the heaviest of sighs
& at night when I'm sleeping
You creep deep behind my eyes
& when I wake up
I'm shaken
I'm still learning how to take this
I built this image of you out of shapes
& I take them
I shoot them
Straight to the sky
Sweet Queen of this torture
Sweet Queen of my time

I'm ready to bow out
Give up
& Leave it all behind
Teach me how to give up what I believe in
When it was so hard for me to find
Peace of mind
Some peace of mind
Would do me good tonight
Another fight with my might
& one more bottle of wine

Somebody please stop the bleeding
Pouring from my grief
If I could believe in something real
It wouldn't feel like pulling teeth
I want relief or something like it
Or maybe some release
I need a break from all this *******
that burns inside of me
I wish you'd hand over your keys
Sit down and have a drink
I think you think a bit too much
But you aren't sharing it with me
Cause you see life is like a game
In which we hand over our chips
But I see life as something planned
In which I get to kiss your lips
Because I think about your skin
Makes me loosen up my grip
Instead of clenching up my fists
I start hand making you gifts
I'm not at all for giving up
I hope in time you won't forget
I know my mind reserves the lines
And in your head it's softly scripted

I wish to rest my head on your chest bones
I don't know what you smell like
But you felt like home
& I don't know what to tell you
I wish you hadn't been wronged
If I could say it to your face
I'd kiss your mouth for so long
Sometimes life is like a song
we never really learn the words to
I want to let you inside mine
& recite them one by one to show you
that we're just a bunch of people
thinking way too much
we don't even know each other
let me take you out to lunch
I would be lying if I tried to say
that I don't want to touch you
I'd be a liar for denying
how much it burns to
want
to
learn
you
I hope to earn this trust in time
& I know time is such a virtue
I hope with time to make you mine
& with that time i'll never hurt you

I guess I know just what you're thinking
But you know not of what I do
When I'm sitting in my room
Daydreaming only about you
I guess you feel a little foolish
I guess I acted like a fool
I wish you knew how I was feeling
I wish you knew it's all for you

I want to learn to speak to you
in a tongue that sets you free
Without sounding like a freak
when I explain how my brain
leaks the need
to fit like your sheets do
I'll find the beat
a beat that sings for you
and greet you like a breeze
in the afternoon
too soon
it's too soon
to think like I do
but I can't help the swell down
from feeding my truth
& when I breathe, I freeze
like my lungs need it too
you remind me of beaches back home
in the middle of June
how the sand fits my feet
is how I dream of fitting you
cause your hair is like a sunrise
and your eyes are like the moon
and your voice crashes waves
that hit my shore like a monsoon
and i'm sure that it's too soon
in fact I know that I am doomed
but the way you say my name
feels like a thing i'd never ruin

I have to watch my steps now
So i'm not always tripping
Tried to forget what believing felt like
and what i'm not always missing
I want to start forgetting now
all of what I knew
Cause I didn't know her
and I don't know you
I guess it's all up to me now
to find the right things to do
but I've run out of moves
I tripped twice last night
over my shoes and the moon
& biting my tongue these days
is getting easier to do
but the shake makes me loose
& i'll break if I lose it
So I'll face this today
and I won't waste all my minutes
on the hours I spent and days
on resentment
& I pray for the day
for the day it won't matter
I hope by then I get smarter
I hope by then I feel better

I'd like to find these
silver linings
through all the rust
but it just reminds me
( of )
your metal heart
my steel rib cage
how i licked my fingertips
to flip through your pages
how everyday
busts me in s t a g e s
do I stay this way
or rearrange it
i'm a deranged fish
swimming in cages
that i build for myself
& choking on phrases
that mean nothing to you
so why waste time
trying to say them
i'm trying to save this
( idea )
for myself
instead of swimming in circles
for everyone else
it's outrageous

I searched for nothing
& On the ground is where I found it
I was astounded at how loud
all of it sounded
Nothingness
Like a crowd with no boundaries
I found out the hard way
Like I got hit in the knees
With a hammer
******* her
& All of these seasons
I'd have better reasons
If I had two hands to believe in
I'm tangled in strands
Strangled and clamped by her breathing
I'm damaged by dampness
thigh handling freedom
I breathe in again
Just until I breathe out
Still filled up with nothing
It's pouring
out
of
my
mouth

Let me replace the filth
with something more beautiful
(when i did it was peaceful)
I'd like to erase the guilt
but i can't
cause it's useful
and you
you're not truthful
at all
you're removable
and that's all that I need
to prove that I can move through it all
and thank god I learned fast
that you're not who I thought you were
cause there's better than you
everywhere that I've fallen
& even when I stand up
& dust off
I laugh at the silly stuff
when your words mean nothing
and everything turns back on
when I shut you off
& you were my rock
that I just threw down a mountain

Oh I'd love to know more
I love knowing better
I change my view
& changed the weather
forget about poison honey
I float like a feather
& leaves
now we leave
this get-together
i never felt pressure
it only felt better
we sat & I pressed our hands together
New England
sweet wind and heavily wined
you changed my mind
I change my mind
as I fly blind
b a c k
to a different time
a different line from a hymn I've been humming
a different track than the one I've been running
my home, please know i am coming
I wouldn't; but love
I have this need
to show you something

it's all about focusing different
being kind is the key
am I still *******?
or finally free
cause I can't breathe and I need to scream badly
I can't breathe and you will always be
way more than being seen when I see you
now I'm less likely to dream cause I'm such a deep sleeper
& when i fall beneath
I just hope you fall deeper

I need to unwind this tight binding on my mindset
I want to rewind time and refine all of my blind frets
without regretting anything
it's an undefined stretch
& Life isn't t i m e l e s s
time just passes
and that's
all
that
we
get

I should have just
Kissed you in front
of everyone
and all at once
I shouldn't have
Jumped over
the lump in my throat
To get passed
All the notes that you wrote
Ink that stained my paper skin
Stand naked & read
over and over again
There is no more begins with
Like a light switch
Your hands turned me on
and every room would shine
I sleep in pitch black now
cause you aren't mine
& I might seem fine
but at night I'm reminded
and light only brightens
the empty space on my chest
where you'll always belong

You let me
Paint your nails at a bar
And
I fell in love with you
In line for ice cream
Searching faces on a wall
That was our flume
you were my star
I thought our plot
would end up on Mars
We road hard
I road you hard
I cannot seem
To forget your arms
Now I'm scarred
Feathered and worded
I traced your courage
To stick around
When I wasn't flourishing
Until you had enough
How abrupt that was
I ****** us
You're fed up
With my flooding
I filled your cup with disgust
I should have drank it back up
But instead I poured worry
and our book got shut
& I wonder if you underlined
any of the words to that story

Should I shield myself
I'll feel nothing
If I open my chest up
My heart will start its running
My blood starts over flooding
Then suddenly
we're nothing
If this is what nothing feels like
Then I'd like to just feel something
Else
Something healthy
Like a hand
Something heavy

Something touching something else
You touched me far before you met me

Counting stars & feeling small
Small like it felt
right when you left me
But left just isn't right girl
Hard as rocks before you wrecked me
Sharp as shards and twice as deadly
Now I sit here like a log
& even the frogs have all misread me
My own heart is out to get me
But I will not say a word
This time
I'll stay focused on mine
While you try & look for yours

I'm taking a ride tonight
My eyes are wide open
And I look at myself
through the eyes of a woman
I stare for a while
A little disheartened
For a moment you flew
And now your wings are all rotten
Your bones are all cold
& You could have been smarter
You always did what you're told
Such a good little daughter

With no hope to hold onto
You pushed that away
Cause it got hard for you to talk through your **** everyday
So forget it
Forget it
and they'll forget you  
I'm alone every night
Just a fool in a room

Desperate for something
Moon, what do I do?
i need guidance, a sign
Or am I already ruined?

I kneel
in disbelief
That something like this
Could happen to me
And I grieve
Cause the **** exists
I have something to tell you
Wipe the spit off my lisp
My grip slowly slipping
I can't sit still
In this pit
While I'm
creating earthquakes
Kicking a split in my ship
Slowly sink while I sit
I forget I can swim

I sink low
I combust
I hit a rock
They call "bottom"
And all of my hope in that world
Has now been forgotten

you people disgust me
i use to feel lucky
but now all i yield
is the feel of
unlucky
trust nothing
your words feel like shields
i feel yucky
as soon as i see or
spin wheels
words like
gray
names like buckley
have I spilled all our disgusting taste
you're a ******
face your ear hole my dear
I hear nothing
fear nothing
surprised by the fault
in our skies
brown eyes you mean
something
but everyone gets stuff
like something
i want more than your stuff
& your pour
fills
my
nothing

today
i crawled over in my grave
safely
and that's
okay
with my way
because lately
your name tastes vague
and untasty
like a grave or rotten pastries
it's okay
i'm still gay
i still taste the
same
but i crave
a new name
like
like
lately
I'm hasty
a bit hazy
still insanely
calling your name
like my frame had a replay button
did you say somethin?
you refrain woman
you think your game is playing
you obtain nothin
but i gain something
a new brain function
a new name for it
I'd be down on the floor
but i'll sustain from it
and you'll regain a substance
one made out of gunk
a replayed nothing
I just learned from it
i learned some girls are worth
more than my brain numbeth
but that brain cometh with a new plan
like like
tonight i'll burn you down
and every memory of loving you
i'll breathe flames from it
and burn my way from it
i prayed all day
because the brave plummet and we're worth more than
relationship frumps we're higher than
down
in the dumps
i trust nothing i'm stumped
i'm still frowning
i'm dumped
you know not of this chump
goodnight now that i'm done
you'll now run from it
please run from it
i'd spell it all out
but her letters thumb crumb summits
it's a plum turned into a prune
sweet but unripe
gum
unchewed but alright
come at night and sleep
sleep like you
sleep like
sleep
with me like we
sleep
like only we sleep

you
you're just a thought in my mind
and i
i'll be fine
without you
( daydream )
you won't hear my calling for
anything at all
and now when I redo us
i'll bust out my big guns
and it'll be nothing like before
cause nobody trusts that
it's done with
i spit it out with my left lung
my third rib
and i finished it off
quivered
cause most of the time it's just like
t h i s  
quivered;
but even the shaken warm again
and i'm fine until then
i'm being p a t i e n t
i'm being complacent with the situation being placed adjacent to my observation
my loss of sensation; inspiration
or the strange complaisant state I relate and stay in
or the location you placed on every plain of our sensation
creates my saddest frustration
that we're past tense
d o n e
I erased it
that at night when you bite down
hard
you still taste it

the last few nights
i've been writing
frightened
trying to decide
what's right
in my mind
but i'm blinded
by this time
this time
this space
it doesn't make sense to me
to erase you
while
you replace me
i've never felt so empty
as i do
right now
reaching out to you
and knowing you
don't want it
i'm being selfish
i can't accept this
and pounding my head
against this table
why do i torture myself
when she doesn't want me

please don't
cling
to another chest
i'm begging
cause i'm still dangling from yours
and love
don't devour her soul
mine is still everything with yours
funny how pathetic rhymes so well
with regret
it's almost poetic
how you
gave me up to this
necessity
you say it so
apathetically
like i'm just suppose to be okay
living without you

this time tonight
i fumble
tumbling over my foolishness
and crowding all of these spaces
with the idea of
you
you and me
and now it's just

you

me

separately
is it actually better this way ?
(babe)
you were my present
what I fought to search for
you stood
in my face
in my shower
you were here
entirely
waiting for me to see it
and as soon as i did
you left me

I'm trying my best
Woman
To let go of you now
So the aching might stop
& breaking my bones
Trying to shake you off
Climbing to figure out how
I lost like this
& you don't want it anymore
I've cracked through my chest
& slammed shut all my doors
On the floor
is where I belong now
crawling all my thoughts
If you could see my mind
You'd know you are not forgotten
& I have not let go yet
I don't know where to start
I use to start by kissing you
But not this time
This time I fall apart

Just this once
Let's forget about love
& open up
No more
Keeping your eyes shut
I want to see what I'm missing
And closing my eyes when we kissed
Made me miss the blissfulness
Of being that close to your skin
I want to begin again  
I know that I can
But you leave me like this
with my heart in your fist
all my love in your hands
a foolish man
Is where I stand now
& even I can't stand me
Woman you know who I am
****, can't you remember?
Our dances of strands & hair bands
& how our kiss felt like November
you said you want the best for me
& I want what's best for you
but you're the best thing that there is
Guess I'm the best at always losing

good night* is just a little phrase
we say before we sleep
to stop our heads from thinking much
it allows me now to dream
& oh the word is only heard
in bed before your snoring
it's my favorite phrase
because i know
it's followed by
*good morning

most nights
I lie awake and degrade all the extra space in my bed
spaces you'd fill and warm
only exist in my head
I long for that smell
that pulls on my chest
bring it back to me
I'm begging you
so I can finally get some rest
like swallowing a bowl of tacks
push pinned into my ribs
ribs no longer ticklish
these ribs were once a kid's
now turned into a cage of bones
so old
hardened to stone
home to this weak beating heart
but it's the only one I'll own
So i'll try to do what's right tonight
and forget about your head
forget about your overbite
i'll forget about your legs
I try my best
to pretend I can
forget about your hands
i'll push out all of your silly sounds
i'll forget we took a chance
but suddenly I realize
and
I'm just forcing myself to forget you
when all I really, really want
is you back inside my bedroom

See I knew all along
That you would never call

the truth tonight is useless
I know what you'll say
you'll say how much you love me
and for me to go away
this proposed disposal
makes a girl feel like a queen
buried 9 feet
underground  
from there is where I scream
thinking I was settled
guess I didn't learn a thing
cause here I am just spinning
catch me puking in the sink
draw out all these nights
on a tiny piece of paper
write down what I am
then rip it up for later
trying to be patient
and waiting for your call
******* up my chance to talk
I think I'll drink them all
prepare yourself for pain my dear
that's all you'll eat tonight
swallow it like fire
it's the burn you will not like
trust yourself and you will find
a tiny piece of mind
& if she no longer wants you
then you must leave her behind

I think I lost you today
somewhere between
good morning
and having nothing to say
when you know it
cause it feels different
like I should have been more self-aware
and you suddenly appear distant
not like you pushed me
you just told me to stay
so i'm sitting here lost
wishing my flesh away
so I don't have to feel you
or even dream it up
I think I heard what you said girl
but those words aren’t enough
cause my chest is inhaling
all the air off this shift
& this change in our atmosphere
has denied what I wished
should I forget it ?
forget it
i see signs in your dip
and now alone is how I leave you
and that's suddenly it

I want a woman to scour
& beat me with flowers
for hours to tower my
tightened empowerment
delighted by sight
at what hasn't been sighted
i'd be delighted if just for a night
you'd sit right by side
but that hasn't been quite yet decided
for a while sit tight and at night fight the silence
the silence of quiet excitement / be frightened
but don't be afraid of my plight
be delighted
i want to crawl all of your ribs
count your bites
i tried twice to fly right by your mind
to entice it
but tonight I just write to
make bright on my mind
on my mind you shine brightly
in my mind you're like lightening
and kindly I'm blinded
your beauty is blinding
I'd like to rewind
to remind
and remind
and remind
and remind you

My ability to expect
Is exceptionally disconnected
My head especially rejected
all the bad news I've been left with
Won't the sadness suddenly settle?
With all the battles noosed and beheaded
I'd be headed back to the moon
But even the bats know I'm embedded
I misread whatever was said and now it's our backs stabbed and regretted
Thinking:
if you had my back
it wouldn't have been that bad to begin with
Let's begin with some forgiveness
If you would sit down and actually listen
and when I'm finished you can pretend that in the end everything's different

I don't know if that was the right thing to say
of if I even know what that is anymore

By the way
Before I pass out
I want to say
that you're a babe
And not like a beach babe
or
like pancakes or anything
like that -
But like a babe, babe
Like the most gorgeous girl
Your voice is playing games with my sheets
and I can't sit still
I'm trying to sleep
but
I'm too excited
that
You'll be in my dreams
My pillows can't stand me
I can't stand where you are
And
You can't stand where I've been
And none of that will matter
After we get where we are going
Where does it start?
From the heart?
The heart deals like a shark would at a park in the dark
& I feel just like that **** shark
Drowning in all the bubbles you just blew in my mouth

For now
Only a hit will do
A drink too
You might as well
Make it two
I'm playing myself now
playing the fool
I need this fuel to undo you
You swallowed me whole
Is this how you'd un-chew me?
Undo me
How to misconstrue truth -
Either way
our ends got loose
& either way
I knew I loved you

My pocket is glowing
In most places it happens magically
But tonight it's just someone texting
grief and tragedy

Love & loss
these women
Are like knives
That slice through your throat
Over and over again
Tearing skin
Losing breath, voiceless
And leaves you wet on the floor
unsure of things you'd instilled in yourself
Way before
Unsure of who you fell in love with
Empty and caving in
balled up like another mistake
& watching you replace it

I'm just another
bag of bones to you
because that's all we are anyway
insane eyes
crossing in every direction
getting us nowhere

I want the silence
I want to tell it yes
and to keep it
am I so evil?
I don't deserve to
claim my own time
I've been around clocks without you
I've fallen without you
I've done it all
and I am still here
and you are still here
but neither of us know where that is
anymore
and we played a silly game
for far too long now
and no one won anything anyway

Until the front porch swing loses all it's comforts
and all the words become blocks of ice
between rocks
or an overly sized brushstroke of black
against all this green surrounding
and all I am is cold this summer
when all I ever wanted to do was hold you
I watched beauty morph into
untouchable, I watched it turn it's back on me
I feel like I can see my skin aging in your eyes
I feel ugly, withering, dry
desperate for my eyes to weigh less
I close them and stand up
drinking the last drop of my coffee
to block the swell rising too quickly in my throat
I know that i'm using these minutes incredibly untrue
I rise quickly to let you
think more about your cons on this list we've been writing
and I go
mad
I go crazy
I go without
I draw out the blow
that inevitably split us in half
and no sunset could ever fix that

Maybe it's the
champagne or
maybe it's faith
But it's strange
anyway
That we've never
shared space
kind of
deranged
in a way
that I can't
kiss
your
face
I hope it's okay
that I say it
It's on my mind
everyday
I've had so much champagne
I can't deny what I'm saying
it's insane that your face
blinds my right of purveying
or in saying
sometimes saying
it's a game that we're playing
i'm not playing babygirl
it's [your name] i've been saying
it's your face i've been blaming
on every single curve
catch me cursing the verse
your name leaves on my shirt
i disperse it
well of course it's a curse
a voice
I haven't heard yet
so of course i'm submersed
& of course it is yours
& you
the most gorgeous of all
and me a thrown ball in Autumn
watch me fall
watch me fall
watch me fall
watch me fall

You see;
Keeping a dog on the leash
is not easy
Cause chasing tail is so
incredibly appeasing
The pull teases until you release my leash
My teeth breaking through petals of meat
I'm chewing through
your shoes and excuses
I'm a nuisance when i'm loose
But you already knew this
Throw me a bone here
I'm starved for your scraps
I'd sit in your lap
but you're afraid that i'll attack
you're afraid that if this strap snaps
I'll run fast and never come back
bribe me with snacks
& take naps with me
lets be happy
I'll show you how good I can be
without my leash
One day, you'll see it
but by then i'll be gone
someone else's dog
someone else's add on