I'm not complete, there's a piece missing.
I'm not sure if I lost it or if it was never there to begin with.
Most of the time, I barely even notice. It almost doesn't even exist.
But then, you turn, the light hits it, you see the gap.
And it hurts.
And it gets bigger.
And it speaks.
Volume after volume of insignificant insult, petty and childish.
Your teeth aren't white enough. You're too skinny, I can see your bones. You're not good enough. You're depressed and depressing. Pitiful. Pathetic. It's painful to even look at you. A coward, afraid of your own shadow, what good are you? You can't cook, can't write, can't draw, can't act, can't sing, can't dance, you're charmless, witless, boring, stupid, ugly, unkind, selfish. You deserve to be alone.
And then it's gone again.
And that's what hurts the most.
Because it's not constant, or predictable.
You don't know if it's lying to you or if everyone else is.
And you never find out.
And you remain incomplete, unfinished, with a piece missing.

My best friend often asks me why I wait for you.
I always say, "waiting? what on earth are you talking about, muppet?"
But on the inside I know I am waiting.
Waiting for you to come by and rescue me,
Waiting for you to come out of your room and walk me to the car,
Waiting for you to park up and say "good morning",
Waiting for your cologne to waft past me and make me cry,
Waiting for you to kiss me, even though we both know you can't,
Waiting for you to love me, even though you never will,
Waiting to see you, simply because,
Waiting for you to finally realise
That I'm irrevocably in love with you.
Will you have me? Please?
I'll wait for you forever.

I thought I knew what love was...
Stolen glances across the room
The blush that rose when you spoke my name
Those late night conversations...
But it shattered beneath me.

As the miles stretched behind me,
I saw our "happy ending" fade.
And yet I tried to think of a way
For you to come back.
But I knew you never would.

You always knew when I wasn't okay
You could always tell with just one look
Then you'd sit down with me
And just listen no matter how long it took.

You were the only one
That would say, "Tell me the truth"
No one else has ever been able to see through this facade

Now that you're gone
I feel just as lost and alone
But even more because nobody's been able to see me
As you always could. 

You always knew
And found a way to cheer me up
Even though we grew apart
And had different friends. 

You always knew
And could make my day with just one hug
Just one smile
Just one small conversation. 

These people I call friends
Have yet to figure it out. 
I keep missing you
While waiting for someone els to say, "Tell me the truth"

You always knew
You always knew.

you want to pretend that

these red-ink scratches are your kisses,

pressed into paper with your sweet perfume,

sealed with a wish.

— dearly beloved —

you used to call me something sweet,

falling like summer rain, and

pink glass buttons and butterfly wishes

and dreams could come true.



but rain falls to mud and letters are

trampled in the gutter, trash

my words, trash

you knew you'd be heard behind your whisky veil;

artillery doors don't hide secrets.

when the glass broke harlot-red lipstick

stained the rim, whisky ran through wax

and her skirts flew with her to the back room

to meet with her next little boy.

god, you were such a fool for  

breathy promises and clever fingers slipping through silk.

god, I was so stupid for you.



and now

you want to pretend your kisses are mine

that you can scratch x's in a row

to make me smile.

and I could scream and cuss and carve you a letter with knives

or I could turn a blinded eye

and cry.