Dear Life,

Get out of my life. I don't like you; I’m scared of you. I'm not scared of death; I’m scared of life.  I can't look at myself in the mirror without getting goose bumps; I can’t water a plant without screaming. I don't know why I'm afraid of life, I just am.

But maybe it has something to do with my mother; she hated death, so I decided to revolt against her by hating life.

Another thing I should mention is that I don't like school, because most learning has something to do with living. In case you're wondering, I don't like writing, and I’m terrible at it. So don't expect any Shakespeare, coming from me.  “Why are you writing this?” you ask.  Well, I'll tell you.

It was about a year ago, that I started going to talk to this weird    psychiatrist that my mother wanted me to see. So we talked and we talked, and I was not having fun because I hated talking.  The psychiatrist said that I should write about my phobia, to get all my anger out. I thought,” what a bunch of nonsense,” but I did it. Here I am now writing to you. I ‘m afraid you’re never going to write back and that’s fine with me. But if you do, I’m afraid of what you’ll tell me, anyway.  I’m scared that you’ll call me a coward for being afraid of something   that I’ve lived with all these years.



Signed,

       Collin.



  Dear Collin,

I received your letter a while ago and I have been contemplating your phobia for 2 years. For what you wrote was powerful.



You’re not a coward and I won’t scold you. I have a phobia of death. Everyone has a phobia of something or other. Your phobia is not unusual but just so few people these days care to express themselves.  You’re one of the first people to have written to me.  You’re not a coward; you’re talking to your fear, something that takes lots of courage.



There is no reason to be afraid of me. Why are you afraid of me? I don’t think your mother is the real reason. I think you’re just too scared to go out in the real world and breathe the living air. You’re not afraid of life, you’re afraid of what is in life. You’re not afraid of me, you’re afraid of the lives I create and what is inside of them.

Your mother cares about you. She wants you to conquer your fear. You can do it, simply enjoy what’s around you, and don’t be afraid. Because, beneath your fear is hatred and you have no choice but to love.

You can do it , Collin, I know you can.



Signed,

Life

Please don’t be sad.
There’s an infinite number of better things to be.                                                              ­                                        
Don’t listen when they tell you,
Or you tell yourself,
Anything other than this:                                                            ­                                                                 ­                 

You are not a failure.
You are not a size
Or a number on a scale
Or a letter on a test.
You are nothing short of amazing.
You are your uncontrollable laugh, 
and your large, genuine smile.  
You are your lively eyes when you've been told good news.
You are the pile of books at your bedside, 
and your favorite stories inside them.
You are the words you write without thinking,  
and the tunes you hum absentmindedly.
You are the beauty you see in the world, 
and the beauty the world sees in you.
You are your mind, your endless ideas and thoughts at night.
You are your moments of pure happiness.
You are what you aspire to be.

You are unlike anyone who has ever existed.
You are not what has happened,
you are what’s yet to come.

So please don't be sad,                                                             ­                                                                 ­           There's an infinite number of better things to be. 
Be inspired, or adventurous, or happy, or observant, 
anything but sad.

So you say you want your life to be beautiful, filled with adventure and exciting events at every corner.
So you say you want your life to be teeming with love, friends welcoming you at the door, family laughing with you, and your lover close by.
So you say you want your life to be happier, because it isn't looking too pretty now, your hopes dripping from the faucet into the drain.
So you say you want your life to be better, so
Make it.

I've never been in love, but it must be like waking up from a lovely dream.
It's probably something like a road trip without a destination.
I hope it's that feeling in your stomach as the roller coaster is dropping, electricity coursing through your veins.
Maybe it's like a camera, freezing moments that feel like forever.
I bet its something like the glittering embers in the sky, just after a firework burst into a dozen lights.
I'm sure love is like a constellation, where you can connect the dots to create a story.
Love must be like rain drops on a window, accumulating slowly, then racing to the brim of the frame.
I think love is like an eclipse. The sun and the moon circling the globe, in search of each other. And when they finally meet, the world stops to watch.
For me, I know love is a dusty typewriter, waiting for its story to be written.

Today I caught you staring.

At me I hoped, but then she spoke
To the class, and I watched your
Face change and I knew.

                                                            You smiled at her the same way
                                                            That you sometimes smile at me. The
                                                            Color drained slowly from my face as
                                                             I realized how inferior I was.

She hunts, wears stylish clothes,
And has enough money and much
To spare. She's sweet, funny, and
Quite brilliant. I respect her.

                                                              I don't have many clothes. Money is
                                                              Carefully sectioned and cared for
                                                              Because there's barely enough to use
                                                              For wanted things rather than needed.

She has developed an organized,
Clear life. My life is chaotic. I know
I love you from afar, but I hoped that
You had realized our chemistry.

                                                             You were gone Friday. You showed up last
                                                             Period on Monday. I thought it was okay
                                                             To miss you a little bit, that it wasn't a big
                                                             Deal. I realized when you came back I was wrong.

Shivers ran down my spine as
You walked through the door,
Late. You passed my seat normally
But I couldn't get enough air.

                                                             Your friends clapped you on the back,
                                                             Calling your name and drawing your
                                                             Perfect smile. Then they said something
                                                             Shocking- "Happy Birthday!"

In my mind, I painfully smiled
And wished you the best birthday
Even though I knew I wouldn't
Be able to tell you to your face.

                                                              I know you probably don't realize, and
                                                              That I may be unqualified. But you still
                                                              Held the door open with a smile, and I
                                                              Could barely mutter, "Thank you."

As I walked behind you, I wanted
To reach out and ruffle your curly
Hair, then laugh as you turned to me,
Shocked. I wished we could play.

                                                              Instead, I just watched you walk
                                                              The way you always do, and smiled behind
                                                              Your back as you placed your feet with
                                                              Runner's precision, even as I shuffled.

As I moved past you with my
Longer strides, I smiled as I always
Do, with everyone. But perhaps
You caught the undertone of "Happy Birthday."

                                                              But today I came late, and you didn't
                                                              Seem the same as you always did, though
                                                              You talked to me on class-related business,
                                                              Which, even though simple, was enough for me.

But then I caught you looking at
Her. My slight Inferiority Complex
Hit with force, and my hopes were
Dashed to the side. I broke inside.
                                      
                                                               I hope in a couple of years, even if you're
                                                               Interested in her, you'll take me on a
                                                               Date, as friends; nothing serious. That will
                                                               be enough for me, even if it's not my desire.



--
Other thought:
You play the trumpet, and can't sing.
I sing with full heart and care, with my
Often-used, experienced voice. I wish
That someday we could make music together.
--


                                                             This is an ill-formed poem, filled with
                                                             Inconsistency and raw feelings, with
                                                             No revision. But I hope that if/when I
                                                             Show these to you, you'll understand.
                                          &nbsp

I'm not saying that I'd
Pick up smoking, kick my grade point
Out the door
I'm not saying that I'm too great
For a university's education
Won't be showing up late
For Spanish 4

Doors won't slam with the gust
Of rebellious teenage luster
My fights will be well-picked
Won't apply my eyeliner too thick
I'm not saying
These paths won't match my
Spirituality

I'm not saying that I wouldn't miss
My friends
I won't pretend my home is not of the peaceful,
Higher end
I won't say I've reached clairvoyance beyond your ration

I'm not saying that I'm above this
That this world revolves to slow
I'm just saying if you asked me to run away
I've a feeling I wouldn't say no.