i didn’t know hope
until you became the light
in my time
of total darkness

i didn’t know trust
until i found myself
pouring my problems and insecurities
into your listening ears

i didn’t know fear
until you told me about
the silent killer
deep inside your bones

i didn’t know how to smile
until you told me
it was your reason
to keep fighting

i didn’t know confidence
until you reminded me daily
how perfect i was to you
how much you loved me

i didn’t know strength
until you told me
i had to be strong
for the both of us

i didn’t know anxiety
until i had to wait
days upon days
to hear from you

i didn’t know faith
until every night
i would find myself
praying for your health

i didn’t know regret
until i realized
getting angry with you
didn’t solve anything

i didn’t know shock
until your goodbye came
reminding me how much
i meant to you

i didn’t know reassurance
until you promised
that you would always
be watching over me

i didn’t know love
until you told me
i was the only reason
you held on for so long

i didn’t know sadness
until i barely made out
your final words
you last “i love you”

i didn’t know pain
until i was on the floor
trying to come to terms
that you had passed on

i didn’t know lonely
until i remembered
that you could no longer be
my best friend, my stability

i didn’t know relief
until i realized
you were no longer
in that unbearable pain

i didn’t know cancer
until it took you away
with no apologies
leaving me to wonder

*why you?

i'm not who i was
a year ago
six months ago
one month ago

judging me on my past only means
you're judging someone
who no longer
exists