I am hopeful one day you'll forgive me.
I am hopeful one day you'll let me care for you.
I am hopeful one day you'll talk to me.
I am hopeful one day I won't break your heart.
I am hopeful one day you'll take my loneliness away.
I am hopeful one day I'll find myself in you.
I am hopeful one day I'll belong there with you.
I am hopeful one day we'll eat pizza together.
And shower one another.
And cry together.
Instead of apart.
All because you said hello.
Oh, it tortures me.

How to start off this poem?

The words they don’t come easy,
Nothing sounds quite right.

I've done so many terrible things,
How can I possibly expect you to relate?
It is impossible it's a dream, but here we go anyways.

I believe this to be my destiny, my fate,
Even though every action is mine.
So when I tell you this story, please try to understand…
That you can’t.

Beginning under a starless sky,
With the orange glow man creates for night.
I fly on the wings of the innocent,
The blood and tears of those who… have died.
They fuel me, and feed me. With their pain, with their face.

I walked down that road,
On the wings of a satan.
And all those around me,
Smiled and puked.
And oh, the terror in her eyes,
When at last my journey reached its conclusion.

My eyes, although they are not quite eyes,
Bored deeply into hers,
And the pools of water parted for just a second,
And I could see my own reflection.
So… intense. So… lost.
I’ve been in snowstorms at sub-zero,
With more warmth than those not quite eyes.

Every beat of my heart, and every breath I took,
Implored me not to think,
But to **** in my just agony,
But think of the lies that would create.
I had been looking so long, so hard,
Just to **** the one thing I want to save.

This woman, in her intelligent innocence,
Pure as the blackest coal,
Born for me, as I was her.
Who challenged me at last, at first,
Not to slay, not to slaughter.

At first I laughed, in a bitter theatric…
But as it settled and tears created disaster…
She held me there, in her hairless arms,
Cooing and creating a space for banter.

I am almost as confused as you are.
Speaking so honestly…
I didn’t know what to do then or now either.

But I will say one last thing,
Something you may not want to hear.

On that cool winter night, I ate her.

We all just want a moment where we feel in tune with our environment.  And we'll all just chase that feeling of home. We'll climb hills change states follow every road. We will struggle and claw and crawl. We will fight through snow, earthquake, and hellfire. We will never settle. We will pack our bags, and we won't look back when we close the door. We will leave our lovers standing there crying. We will leave childless fathers and fatherless childs equally. We will drink on our journeys. We will breathe black and exhale white, burning red to feel alright. We will lose touch with the colors of the sunset. We will fall down the staircase, break a leg and keep moving. We won't have food on the table. We will isolate our beings. We will die alone in the cold. We will quit our jobs. We will waste our freedom. We'll bury ourselves alive. We'll swim the seas, we'll climb the mountains, we'll burn the trees, WE WILL fight till we die, WE WILL say no to everything stubbornly, WE WILL cry as our feet bleed, WE WILL sing songs no one remembers, and we'll leave our homes, we'll break our families hearts, oh we will never be satisfied and we will do it all for the sake of... what? We will be human in the pursuit of something more and something less. And no matter where we go or what we see I'll tell us all now, don't you worry, we'll all be buried together, with our sins, in the same Flaming Sea.

There is nothing better than the hunt,
As I smile so carnivorously,
I think of when I first began,
The day the search first ran.
It was a beautiful day,
As I was locked inside,
By a mother who doth protest too much,
An decided it was my turn to be beaten amuck.
I cried and I cried,
As old as I was…
There was no end or beginning
To the pain that I felt
And so the only way to ease it,
Was to share this pain, with everyone.
So began, my very first hunt.
And now, many years later,
I wonder ever still,
How the hunter has not become the unter,
Even as the scent of the prey lingers.
She is standing there alone.
Alone.
Just like me now.
Mother is gone, so it’s just me.
Me and the hunt.
She has a beauty,
You’d have to look at for a while,
To truly see.
But underneath she just feels lonely,
Just like me.
So I must hunt her,
And share my pain,
As she walks home alone,
Well I take her by the face,
And I kiss her forcefully,
And smother her fright inside of me,
Take her to the “forest”,
Where all will be decided.
She has calmed on the outside,
But the fear is consuming her eyes,
Slowly I take her clothes,
And oh what a glow,
Her skin seems to have been made for me,
For this very day,
Nothing better than the hunt,
And the trophy that lay,
Beneath me.
Being the Hunter I took and I gave,
With blood and with fear,
Forcefully she was laid.
And after all was said and done,
I think for a second it was clear,
That in that pristine moment,
When she first started to tear.
She felt it, Yes she did.
The pain of the hunter and the hunted.

Happiness scares me
it truly frightens
a pitter-patter, pitter-patter
thumpening of the heart
I cant breathe, cant see
I want to run away
I dull the emotion so I no longer
have to feel this terror
oh god its everywhere I cut it cut it out
ah thats better its gone shes gone its gone
isnt that so much better I can stand and sit alone
my knees dont feel so weak, just numb
i like numb it fits so much better

Ah I love the sadness I love the catharsis
how do these people go on in their lives
in their pursuit of happiness
doesnt it scare them? don't they feel that fear?
I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand
Am I the one that is wrong? Am I the one that is broken?
no one ever thinks like this, I think
So therefore I'm right to think it's them not me
The logic is cold and comforting
warmer than a blanket, more nourishing than a womb
but not joyous no, not delightful
just a release, a pressure eased, a knuckle cracked, a muscle popped
a dark room with a cold breeze
a lone mountain with foreboading clouds
a lover gone, a possibility erased
ah-- bliss, in emphatic apathy
I am safe

There’s feelings for everyone,
The worst for those who try to disregard them,
Of a loneliness born into our bones.
It is a drink best shared alone.

Cancer without a cure,
Beginning in the middle of the night,
Cuz’ there ain’t no stopping this melody,
Until the job is complete.

And oh, If only you could read my mind,
I’d make you mine,
And together we’d take over this place,
Until the sun rises at the very least.

But I’m sleepin’ and I’m dreamin’
And the future isn’t very clear in this depressed buzz,
But one thing’s for sure as I cry myself to sleep,
I can’t wait for one more beer.

Well that’s how these types of poems usually end,
On a depressing insightful and possibly hopeful note.
But I’m the weirdest man alive, so you’ll just have to deal,
As I continue on my diatribe.
Can you feel the flow I’ve got goin?
It’s bleeding and beautiful, and so sooo sweet.
I’m smelling her heat from here and it is succinct,
It’s telling me ‘take me here cuz’ I’m yours to be taken’.

Oh, when all you see in your past,
Is a life of regrets and misery,
How do you keep going,
Disabled and Distraught with this life?
Self-answering questions; as I put a secretly sad smile on my face,
You ain’t stopping this machine,
Yah, I’m saying it, ******* FATE!

If ignorance is bliss,
then I am the sunshine
of a spotless mind.

If self-deception is peace,
then you are the moon
to my bare earth.

If a lie is the truth,
then we are the glimmer,
in the eyes of the blind.

If your love was wrong,
then I thank you
for ever making it feel so right.

If, Tomorrow…

If tomorrow I was gone,
Would you Still remember me?
If tonight I ceased to breathe,
Would you still feel for me?

If tomorrow, I was missing,
Would you care to look for me?
If in the morn’ I was nothing but bones,
Would you still know me?

If tomorrow, I disappeared,
Would there be searches for me?
If I felt like dying,
Would you rescue me?

If tomorrow I screamed,
Would you still hate me?
If my anger burned you,
Would you forget me?

If tomorrow I was dead,
Would I leave anything?
If tomorrow I was gone,
Would anyone miss me?

I awkwardly said,
I want to share my poems aloud,
At this place, underground.
I'd like it if you came.

No reply.

I anxiously mentioned,
Some of them will have you in them,
I'd like it if you came and heard,
What I had to say.

No reply.

A few days later, you talk to me, randomly.
I mention I want to see you.
I've had a bad day.

What's been bad, you say?

My job isn't working out and
my car situation is all ****** up,
and my family is ****** up too.

You don't have your car anymore?

No, family needed it more than I.
And I want to save some down before I get mine.
I say.
Emptily. Thinking. No big deal.
This is smart. This is what people do.

But you never replied.
Not once when I needed you the most.

Looking back I'm frustrated.
I cared an awful lot.
And because I did I shared myself instead of
Partaking in you. And I think at a point it became so...
needy. So frustrating. So unmanly in your eyes, that
combined with some ****** dysfunction,
we just died on the vine. Black, withered, and disgusting.
So even though we remembered being green it just,
could not go back that way. And the irony was if I had
just ever figured out how to be nonchalant,
and not care so ever ******* much,
then, chances are, you'd have been my lady.
Life is weird. People... relationships... I don't know.
It's a cruel joke sometimes. Ain't a poem for you anymore.
You never really wanted.... that. I don't know what you want but,
It isn't me. Not anymore.

My sister said, **** that *****.
I smiled wryly and thought,
Once, but nevermore.

I think in the dark times of the night.
Even when the sky is bright,
Perhaps in a few years, when we are older...
I think with fear of a primal sort.
I have a girl that I love,
who I adore, and who doesn't necessarily mistreat me,
who keeps me though I'm an *******, and will take me
rich or poor but...
If you ever became someone who would come
and listen to my poetry
and hear what I have to say to you,
and cared, a little bit, sincerely,
and ever found me in your heart, truly, again...
What would I do?
I don't know but disgustingly,
I may always love you.

******* ***** I'm dreaming,
of you and another man reaming,
well you are a succubus and a demon,
And I'll tell you right now, its my emotions that you are feeding,
on and on I go tears streaming,
waking up cold sweat beating,
the brows of my forehead and my teeth bleating,
Clashing, gnashing, outside is scary but within it is bleeding,
knife wounds to the gut, butterflies screaming,
I can't even sleep now, covered in my own *****,
Hating you, blaming you, dreading the upcoming meeting,
Can't escape it, can't fight it, it is your body I'm needing,
Your soul that still makes me feel like givin',
Up and dyin' here in this bed of my own decievin',
Girl, I'll tell you its our fault I'm leavin,
Dead and unheeded,
Depressed and beaten,
down by the secrets of me you were keeping,
But now it is over and still on my sub-conscious you are eating,
So every time I wake up, half-dead and decreasing,
I still find you, And I find myself singin',
But you deserve no more songs no more revelin,
Not from me, no, you'll find happiness everlastin',
And I know this I can see it, I am dreaming,
And his **** is bigger and its aching,
The torture, the ****, the forlorn breeding,
Modern society or mental instability,
I dont know babe, Im ******* crazy,
Lazy but forcefully preceding,
When I tell you I'm flawed and dominating,
You laugh at me, hardly even breathing,
and I cant help but still be believin'
My love, my idolization, it is sickening,
and as the subject, my former accomplice, partner in crime, your sins to are quickening,
You made one mistake and that was never falling,
Ever out of yourself and now your life you'll be living,
Yet that mistake was not yours, nor any others my darlin',
I was simply not the man, a scared abused child buyin',
More hopes and lies to fight the pain of hatin',
Yourself every day wakin',
Up thinkin', without her I'm wasting,
Too much fear, too much pressure, babe you cant even be feelin',
You just gotta sit there and get *******, no performance, no mind rushing,
a thousand miles and still good for nothing,
Failure again, forevermore, the one person you can live without now ignorin',
You, 'Sexually incompatible', and all the gravy,
Still I kept coming of the dream, of the real one, of you and me feeling,
A love greater than love, obsession and needing,
Just one more look, one more hug, one more day of existing,
But now, buttercup, its just me up alone at night, fighting
The memories of you, and, for what its worth,
I'm losing.

I am Immortal with every perfect verse,
You see me dropping these bombs with ever word I plop.
I'm a singer without the song, and here comes the chorus,

My words live on, bring it on,
Upon the stars I wished for a better day,
And it'll come when I'm gone, when someone discovers,
The feeling, the heart, of my games.

And oh! if I could show the ladies these poems,
Without choking up in fear of their reactions,
My true emotions, my real me, my being,
Then maybe I'd've found one who wouldn't of laughed,
and maybe we'd be immortal.

My words live on, bring it on,
Upon the stars I wished for a better day,
And it'll come when I'm gone, when someone discovers,
The feeling, the heart, of my games.

Go to hell, I'll see you there, I'm the boss, welcome my direction,
I'm working the angles you ain't seein, sometimes many, sometimes none, but I keep on working, keep on tinkerin' till I find the perfect immortalization of a young son looking for the one, anyone.

My words live on, bring it on,
Upon the stars I wished for a better day,
And it'll come when I'm gone, when someone discovers,
The feeling, the heart, of my games.

Let's go, I know you've put up with a lot, but I promise, you won't have to listen to me talk much longer, cuz my time is almost done. And I don't have the time for structure or rhyme, just listen to my base. I'ma be dead before you read this, till the next time you do, when I come to life again, I ain't never gonna see you, nor you me, but you know me better than anyone, and when your grand kids read this in their books... they'll know. I'm immortal.

My words live on, bring it on,
Upon the stars I wished for a better day,
And it'll come when I'm gone, when someone discovers,
The feeling, the heart, of my games.

I’m sitting alone,
I’m typing a poem.
It’s dark,
And my imaginations gone amuck.
I see killers and zombies
Bears and tom boys.
Mothers and fathers,
Murders and slaughters.
I see a lot of nasty things,
I see things that I wish I cannot see.
The one thing I have never seen.
The one thing I want the most to view,
That which forever is escaping me.
Love eternally.

I’m sorry that I’m the problem.
Oh let me tell you I’m sorry for being the way I am.
I’m sorry that I like you and I like her.
I’m so sorry that I want you in my arms..
I’m sorry that I can’t change.
I’m sorry that I create issues.
I’m sorry that I fight for what I say.
I’m just sorry that I disgust you.
And I’m sorry that other guys who do the same.
Get called better names.
I’m sorry instead of playing with a taken person, I stood my ground and walked away.
I apologize for like women, in the selfish, self serving, greedy way
That only I can.
I’m sorry for respecting, at every endeavor, to walk away.
Yet still yearning for them to turn, and off their hands.
I am sorry for being lonely, strange, weird, annoying.
I am sorry for being human.
I am sorry that your feelings matter more than mine,
I am sorry that who I am gets lost in the shuffle.
I’m sorry for arguing, for fighting, for not denying certain truths.
I’m incredibly sorry for this pain I feel, not even knowing you.
I’m sorry that you felt the need to isolate me.
I’m sorry that you don’t know me.
I’m sorry that I’m needy.
I’m sorry that I push too hard, as others don’t try at all, or try much harder.
I’m sorry that I don’t look that good.
I’m truly sorry for all my knicks, mis-intentions, and flaws.
I’m sorry for this stupid poem, for venting.
And, gosh, I’m just so sorry, that I’m nothing at all.

Except the jokes on you. I’m not sorry at all and neither are you. If you read this, you’ll blink nary an eye, all your suspicions will be true. What a creep. How uncomfortable is this feeling, in my seat.
Hypocrisy is a wheel, lookism an ideal, and people like me, the pieces that don’t fit.
Truly a sorry lot, all.

I got an addiction, baby,
That sicklesweet look in my eyes, darlin',
I need that feeling, of     beaming,
raven red cast shades of delusion dreaming,
You and me in a beach house sleepin',
Ne'er to be, Ne'er to be,
Nay just this self-serving depression, easing,
back into mold back into form, a dark caricature of me,
Better to bleed, nay I love the urge, and drink the fear descending,
down self-same stairs in paradoxical downward upward patterns,
Don't shake me, don't wake me, I'll only smile discreetly,
But In my Eye the Demons will fly, and oh will they thrash and rage,
their hunger for more suffering ever unrelenting...
and still i'll Feel,
nothing.

Comforting like an old friend.
Gone but always there,
And now back,
Again.

You just want someone to care,
Because you can't just care about yourself,
You stand up straight, and cover the bleeding wound,
You'll tell anybody anything,
And nobody asks anymore.
You bit your own tail off,
So you can't wag anymore.
You clawed out your own soul,
And denied this reality.
You masturbated in bed,
Refusing to feel pleasure.
Alone, anymore.
It hurts now it hurts,
So numb, so numb.
People are foolish beings,
Forever trying to connect to another dot in the universe,
Forever trying to merge,
To "understand"
When there is no such thing.
You eat your cereal,
And the milk is cold,
But you don't care what your brain says,
Only the demons you mold.
The ones that haunt you,
The ones that chase you,
Oh the ones that keep you in this chair,
writing about it,
Instead of doing something about it,
The troubles of freedom,
The lies they feed you,
You can't do anything,
Anything at all in this world.
And if you can one day you'll realise,
It was all a lie,
All a dream, a fruitless hope,
You planted in a barren ground,
A deserted womb,
No longer thirsty for your,
Decrepit seeds,
And a lonely boy.
Sitting there in the night.
And you look at him,
If only because no one else will,
And you think to yourself,
Is it the night that surrounds the boy,
Or the boy surrounding the night itself.

Let it flow flow flow,
Like the young waters of old,
But nothing comes of it,
No plants here will grow,
You can see it now,
You can see it when you are dying,
The shadows reflecting off the sunlight,
are always there, always darker,
always waiting,
taking you away,
Forevermore.

Insomnia thou art my lovely mistress,
Enticing me further into the darkest mornings,
And then leaving my bed lonely at day break,
to go find another man.

Still, half loyally, you come back to me...
And oh, though otherwise I try, fitfully,
I find myself always opening my sheets,
And snuggling up close to you,
As if the cold of death and desperation,
is my only warmth.

It begets only painful awakenings,
And much like a good mistress,
The womb of your efforts,
Bears no fruit,
Nay just desecration of my psyche,
Just a half step in one realm,
and a half step half asleep.

Ah, what should I do,
Fight your presence off dearly?
I'm afraid I"ve had you round so long,
I can't remember myself lonely.
Imagine that, I guess,
I'll have to settle for your back handed love,
And ponder many more twilight mornins,
With you, my beloved insomnia.

Patriotism, dead, dying a decrepit old region

Such violent imagery, juxtaposed, versus common refrain

Love of country, we cannot escape our past.

Patronizingly ignorant, embolden our greatness,

our ironic freedom, memorialized the blood shed for it,

the wrong blood.

In the beginning...
That's how it always starts,
isn't it?

The dogs of war,
Barking inside,
burning in the oven of your own
poor, poor heart.

But they call not for gunfire,
or the shrapnel of a thousand bombs,
nay just the bleeding pain,
of your lovers'
soul torn 'part.

And of course, in the beginning,
as you clutch your head,
wishin' for a new start,
there is no comfort given,
nor grace delivered,
upon the atheists so marked,
and He watches with a devil's glee,
all compassionate, destructively.

We walk therefore,
to the beach, and walk furthermore,
into the ocean, where there is no breeze,
and we walk farther still blinded by what you cannot see,
until the water lies over you, drowning,
Babylon's little *****.
But you walk further still, because the water does not nurture,
and you walk further still because the water will not ****,
And you walk into the abyss,
'Til the dogs no longer roar...
When even they cannot reach you,
and you get what you searched for,
peace.

But peace is a lie.
A lie we call loneliness,
brought up in the passivity,
of man now long broken.
For not all journeys are good.
Not all stories have heroes.
Not all poems rhyme.
And sometimes...
Everybody dies,
In the beginning.

In the sunlight of a godless god.
I fight to belong.

In the shadow of an angelic demon,
I hope to resound.

My water like anger and passion,
Formless and formed.

Putting my emotions into stories and sadness,
You mortals can enjoy.

I look into the mirror,
Seeing what you cannot.

The face of the depraved, distraught;
Fighting for lost love and feelings forgot.

It makes me ******* sick.
Hearing you ask if I am happy,
Knowing very well that I can't be happy,
Knowing very well that when I needed you most, to just say, "there,there"
You disappeared.

I haven't been truly happy in four long years. I've grown up so much but it seems I've left only a trail of n'er shed tears.
It's a cold and bitter road, here
Looking into the past and seeing yourself,
Conquered by self defeating fear, to know I had so many chances and one left or one right, and more likely than not you'd still be near.

There is no forgiveness there's just rot. We call it moving forward, it's natural they say, but for me it's not. It's grim like the reaper and it keeps me up a lot flashes of flashes, of futures unwrought.

So you come to me now wondering how I've been. And these tortures of mind begin to circle in. I'm sly and smooth at first. But so very soon I'm pushing. Pressing. Reminding you of my desperate longing for a memory of you to end my phoney lonely self. You shut down. God you were always the best at shutting down, such an adorable abnoxious little tick.. **** I still love you. **** does it make me sick.

I'm better than you,
I'M BETTER THAN YOU,
and you don't care,
submit, submit,
give me the whole world,
acknowledge me,
my fleeting existence,
and give me all the women to lay,
oh let me fix this, broken cold world,
and fill it with the warmth of my absolute,
depraved love, the world is crazy enough
as is, but it's not enough,
never enough,
for even Bill Gates.
No we all want more,
we all see the house and the trophy wife,
and we want ours,
I laugh to cover the sound of the opening scars,
from the inside out we tear ourselves out,
never before has civilization been so,
animalistic, the hierarchy,
the power disparity,
the artificial glass ceilings,
of "education", when the young just drink,
do drugs and ****, and after four years,
they are better, better, and best,
While the merits of the great,
the inspired, the ambitious,
get torn, and lost and left behind,
and no one cares,
not the world,
not the *****.
And so I am jealous, jealous and wrathful,
wrapped in my powerlessness and apathy,
nothing new I suppose,
Just another enlightened,
Human.

So the loneliness that once was is gone.
And in its voidness and darkness,
Love’s sweet fund,
Has banked and coined its way on.

I toil as I sweat blood,
But still I would not change a day,
Because her smile make me happier,
A lot more than I can say.

I just wanted to be held,
Well now I could.
And all that needs to be understood.
Is that’s she fine and **** and loves me like she would.

Every pain she can take,
Every imperfection she makes great.
every time I cry its cuz’ I’m not with her,
every time I sleep it’s because I’m missing her.

I don’t know how long or short this is going to be,
Cuz I don’t know how long I can try to adequately describe,
How she selflessly and selfishly is loved and gives love, and takes and she creates,
A brand new future with a united soul foreign to hate.

I don’t know how she stands me,
How she lives with my mistakes,
But god ****** don’t let anyone tell you,
That I’m not in love with her.

Je t’aime my baby Mia.

La, la la, la.

My life got ****** up fast.

Ha, ha ha, ha.

The best is past.

You can ******* lie to me baby.
If that only means
I can be back in your life.
If I can see those eyes again
And that smile
And that presence
I almost feel alive
Over a ******* lie
4 years since

Superman can fly,
But I can love.

The Flash is fast,
But I can cry.

Batman always wins,
But I can lose.

The Hulk is strong,
But I am mortal.

God may be three,
But I am just one.

Lie harder.
Cheat farther.
Look inside of me.
Tell me what you see.
Is that a child living there
Or is it simply the culmination of all our fears.
Is there an end
Or does it repeat in fateful trend.
Why must reality exist?
Why can’t I make my own list.

Why am I so alone.
Seems like the more girls I know,
The less I feel at home.
Because they all say such funny things,
We are all such great ******* friends.
Seriously I’m always there for them.
Whoopee for me.
But all the ladies do is talk
Talk and talk and talk.
Why won’t anyone hug?
Where is my hand to hold?

That’s why I stay up till two.
And wake up at three.
That’s why I come to school all bleary
Cheerful as can be.
Why I have to stare up at the night sky,
And find that lone star shinning
Just to start crying.

Close your eyes,
my beauty, oh my
***** little demon,
my succubus,
my muse,
me silly reason for,
silly being.
Feel my heart.
It wont stop beating.
Faster and faster,
slothily increasing,
it wants to burst, explode,
and I say, let it be so,
I feel the blood pour out unevenly,
the circulation failing,
as I smile greedily,
The **** of death coming from
deep inside of me,
spilling from my intestines and out onto
the kitchen ceiling,
where I am stuck
where my mind breathes,
where these halucinations that we call
our reality,
these lies we tell ourselves,
to sleep just a little,
bit more comfortably,
the hate we have ourselves,
of our worldly greed,
that we deny and then,
**** hungrily,
the shame in our hearts,
as we think about society,
and what they want from us,
and how we bow to,
artifical ceilings and devices,
I look down from above,
upside down or
in fact, right side up,
die my little heart die,
burst, burst!
Feel the ecstasy and do not reverse,
I say to myself,
as no one is listening,
and why should they?
I'm just  a death kid,
versing.

My late night malaise.
My recurring waking dream.
My vestiges of depression.
Turning inside out on me

Uncomfortable feelings.
That I do not know how to control.
I lay here passively.
In the dark. And let them wash
Like tides ebbing and flowing
On my tiny soul.

Late night malaise.
I'm stuck in your
Twilight zone. Trying to pick up someone
Who will make me feel at home

But my golden years feel so long gone.
People look at me and wonder
How I was ever good looking at all.
Failing to understand who I am
Again .
A light malaise. Yes. And endlessly deep.
A perfect fit for
A broken man.

Oh nothing makes me happy,
******* creating for days,
Biting gnashing, laughing dying,
Selling always selling,
Oh and you, you'll buy today.

BUT YOU'LL REMEMBER ME WHEN I'M GONE.
OH YOU WILL REMEMBER ME BY MY SONG.
YOU'LL SING
"JOHN ASHTON UPSTON YOU
FOUGHT FOR ME,
THE COLD STARE AT THE END OF THE PITCHER
REFLECTING BACK AT ME
THE EMPTY FEELING OF
AN EMPTY STOMACH
AN EMPTY MIND
A BROKEN HEART
ALL FILLED WITH BLOOD,
AND WE CAN DIE TOGETHER,
OH JOHN WE' DIE FOREVER,
AS LONG AS YOU LAY DOWN,
NEXT TO ME,"

And I'll hear it, softly.
It might even look like I'll,
Smile.
But that was a lie.
Before I died on the outside,
I was long dead inside.

The laughter reached my eyes,
Anyway.

Be Careful who you love,
Your heart will follow them,
Wherever you Go.

Guard who you trust,
Despite what you may hope,
The world is filled with lust.

Watch yourself growing up,
Just because you get old,
Does not mean you've reached the mountaintop.

Don't let your pain make you,
Hold the scars on your heart,
And become who you must.

Find your consistency,
The world will beat you down,
Be the rock others, gather around.

It's the quiet moments,
of existential dread,
Where your character opens.

Be the happiness you seek,
Worthy ones won't come,
Unless you are at peace.

Find the strength to say no,
The easy way deceiveth,
The hard, long road, will provideth.

And you don't need a religion,
But nurture your soul,
Even if it's with,
A simple little poem.

On the one hand confidence
On the other humility,
And the middle path?
Success.

Hustle.
******* work.
Make yourself great.
You don't need goals.
You need to be the best you.

Remember where you came from.
Burn yourself at your lowest point in your mind.
Feel sickened. Never again.
For yourself. No one else.

Make your money. Earn your living.
Accept nothing less.
You are the best.
Get the best. And Give only what and to those,
Whom you deem worthy.

Take the punches.
Nothing will beat you up like life.
You will get knocked down.
Get up. Even if it's the next day.
Don't stay down. The most you'll ever be alive,
Is when you are closest to dying.

Rule your emotions.
Do not be ruled by them.
Therefore you shall rule others,
Who will fall prey to your will and
perseverance, while,
being consumed by their own emotional pulls.

Keep a vision in your mind.
What you are. What you want.
What you need. Who you want there with you.
Take it. Own it. Own yours.
And then tell me,
How Great You Are.

Crying whilst riding,
On my unicorn themed bicycle,
Past at my back,
Sun absent from the front,
Only the present lays for me.
And that’s why today I tell you,
That yesterday is the only hope,
Our future will succeed,
And Maybe in response,
Or just plain fear,
You say this quite tasty diatribe.

We are all born rotting,
The grave not far off,
In this universe of Trillions,
We are but one.
And you know what else,
We are just an animal,
With the arrogance to presume and assume,
That we are the greatest,
In a sea of fools.
To wonder why we survive and thrive,
While others are put on the wayside.
It’s a pity and it’s a shame,
Its life from within.

So I move slower still,
As I listened to you words,
Each syllable piercing me,
Like the butchers knife on the pig.
But the tears are gone now,
Replaced by blood,
But not my blood or your blood,
But those of innocent ones.
Asking silently ironically,
Who was it that made me this way?

Now Its many years hence and forth,
In this futures hellish morgue.
You sit on the deathbed,
Waiting for one last chance,
But it never comes,
And you never say,
How sorry you were to leave me a bay,
That if you could go back today,
And open your heart to my crying face then,
That perhaps things would be different when,
Our lips locked in heavenly harmony,
And along with our soothed souls,
The angels sighed in ecstasy.

Finally, it snaps back to now,
Like a dream standing still,
Even now we see the death of love,
And the birth of hate.
The diatribe it receeds,
And instead your kisses breathe,
New life into you and me.
Maybe next year death,
And with another kiss the year after,
Cuz life may ****,
But at least we have each other.

I'm just listening to Counting Crows,
and I get this feeling,
That I am so close to understanding,
Something, myself? Something.
And it leads to this eerie feeling of contentedness,
In the darkness.
But I'm just a step behind,
And the more I think, the more...
I lose my way, The more I question,
instead of listen.
But it scares me to let such a moment pass,
without pursuing... it.
Whatever it is.
Poetry? I think not,
Just splutter along the road of my soul.
Sure to be meaningless in the end, but,
Looking at it now, looking back a bit...
Oh to be **** half in the past,
And nirvana just out there,
A bit further along the way.
Almost childly, I blindly,
Reach my hand out and up,
Hoping that I'll be able to grasp the Sun,
As if I won't get burnt,
That since it seems so close,
I just need to grasp,
and the world will be mine.
But some things are not for mortals.
And demons, like kids,
Must too, one day,
Wake up.

The me that needed you back then,
did not get the you who needed me
not as I was but who I used to be or
perhaps a better version of what I am now.

So our misbegotten love ached and tore,
and you belittled me with an angels laugh,
and I cursed you, forever marking you,
in the decrepit depths
of my now stone dead heart.

They say that everyone has
'The One' out there for them.
But they never tell you what to do,
when you meet them wrong,
and they are long gone.
Long,
gone.

She looked at me,
Very afraid,
and asked,
why sir,
are you even awake.
I grinned voraciously,
Dipping down under,
My conscious mind,
now being taken over,
Oh I am dangerous,
And my fair lady,
Watch your self closely,
Do not be too daring,
For if you make me want you,
If you keep looking at me,
I will take you and make your body
baring, all its pink little secrets,
and I'll swallow up,
Even your shallow regrets.

The worst part about my life is
I still dream of you
And when I do
I wake myself up
Sit up slowly
And look to my left.

In came the hurricane,
And out came the pain.

My own little Katrina.
Oh the foul winds, don’t quite suit her.

She is a sun, a supernova,
The brightest innocence I could ever desire.

But someday, on today’s like today,
It’s just too hard.

You just try and act normal I guess,
Maybe put on a smile.

She’ll be quite cordial,
Just like she is to everybody.

She’s so afraid of hurting me,
She does it on the daily.

I’ll just laugh until I cry,
Turn away before I die…

And I stare at her smile in that picture,
And I have no words. What more needs to be said. None.

But oh God, if you even exist,
If this is what it feels to love, to be young…

Take it back, take it away,
The foul smell rotting my brain.

It clouds me now,
Thickens with power.

Make it stop, give me the eclipse,
The end of this terrible rain.

Always make tomorrow a better day,
Things are never the same,
Yesterday is always changing,
There is no past and the present is already gone,
But there’s always tomorrow,
So make it a better day.

Old men givin’ me advice,
Young me ain’t listenin’,
But I’m always teachin’, always preachin’
It’s not bad yet, it’s going to get worse.
Can’t I just be happy, let myself go a lil’?

So I’m talking to all these ladies,
Playin’ Russian roulette,
And I’m thinking’ if I got enough bullets,
One’s bound to hit me.
And maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong, cuz’ by now its history.

The Lady asked me as I shared with her my troubles,
‘What are you going to do to make yourself happy?’
I stared there forever, astounded by such a blatant question,
Askin’ myself “what am I going to do?”
I didn’t know as I don’t know then.

Can you figure it for me?
Help me and rescue me?
Cuz’ I’m oh so tired of trying,
This life it feels worse than dying,
When you are all alone.

Pour me a drink, it’s last call.
I can see Satan down the hall, well then I’ll be in hell.
But its okay, I guess,
Could be worse, could have been in thirst,
Except maybe I was, starving this whole time, in the soul.

Don't be material,
They say with condescending gleams,
Oh it is the devil,
you'll find, a way to hell,
and nothing more.
Meanwhile, behind the curtains where they think themselves safe,
they beat it to child ****, with quite a similar gleam.

Oh I know what will **** me,
I won't smoke that cigarette,
But I will feel happy with success,
Oh I'll take that money and spend it,
On these amazing things capitalism and competition,
Drive the world to create.

I tell you what I don't know what joy is but,
I love my new phone,
And I've seen some real demons,
And they look a lot like you, judging,
They look hungry for righteousness,
And self satisfaction,
Well I get nothing off myself,
So I guess I'll settle for the world.
Ain't much of a poem I guess,
But at least it's something to take home.

Have you ever flown?
Not on an airplane or a baloon,
But like a bird, straight to the moon,
Soared above heaven by noon?

Have you touched the stars,
With a beauty and a light,
A decadence so bright,
My eyes and mind to this day are lit alight in delight.

When have you gone to hell,
And see the horrors there,
Like Dante to the Inferno life just ain’t fair,
Full of lies and deceit, and they are the dammed ones?

Why do you try?
What do you hope to accomplish,
Fight against the bars, there steel, not rubber, we’re stuck in the dish,
Can’t live without pain, can’t think and be sane, what’s your favorite wish?

Believe in yourself, for there’s nothing to believe,
You can’t do much to be something to see,
I know I know, its arrogant and obscene,
But trust me when I say, when I think, hey…
Maybe One Day.

Existence is
too
Meaningless
to
Contemplate

I came back for my own memorial,
I sat back and smiled,
only you could see me,
I knew you would.
Your eyes could not perceive but
you believed
and with your heart I met yours and you cried
deeply.

The blades of grass swayed,
and mostly everyone talked and laughed,
but you were hardly breathing.
I remembered now when I was a baby,
Teething, looking at you there was indeed, a nostalgic feeling
Bone cutting through flesh, inside being rendered
outward but I'm nothing, not anymore,
Just an apparition, a memory of that person I used to be,
And after a while your heart stopped bleeding,
And you closed your eyes and decided,
My smile was disheartening
And I died.
Oh, so quickly.

Fetus. Kicking... screaming. Dying a little each day.
Burning, oh the flames of the belly.
Ripe ruby red coursing hell inflaming inside of me.
Each breath is a death, each blink a little less.

I'm old, but i've been told,
That I'll get older yet, and my shrugs, and my ugly mug,
will transform to wrinkles yet.
But bet me if you can, that I'll hit the grave first.
Lonely and cold in my sepulcher friend.

Bones are so brittle,
Muscles so light,
Her rose petals are pink,
if you know what I meant.

I remember it all,
Until tomorrow morning.
When I forget it again,
Until next evening.

I wish the first moment I met you,
Would resound forever.

Never needing food or sleep,
Just content in your presence.

The feeling of love and awe,
Beauty captured in a moment.

My desire is to go back,
To that very first day…
And if I may,
I think I’d kiss you,
If just to say,
I’m yours.

To see and smell you’re autumn hair,
Matching you’re hazel glazed eyes perfectly.

Felicity,
How delightfully,
You kiss me.

Bliss,
Thy name is,
Such sweet remiss.

First,
I will love you,
Then I will quench your thirst.

Then,
In half remembered ecstasy’s,
I will taste you when.

After,
Your chest will rise tiredly,
Stuggling for laughter.

Finally,
I will hug and cuddle you,
Showing that my love is not trivial.

When,
I wake from the dream,
I’ll still remember that you are a godsend.

I used to believe there was something wrong with me.
And then I met you.
I used to be sick with loneliness,
But you cured it with you’re faithfulness.
Whenever I looked into the dark, I saw empty shadows,
Now it is you that fills the gallows.
Before I met you I was dead but a live.
Now I’m in love and living my life.
Whereas before depression and anger were present,
Now it is only happiness and joy, in every second.
I write these to let out my emotions,
So that you may cry tears of elation.
I want to scream out you’re name and etch it on my heart,
Because it most certainly beats with you’re mark.
I am not the smartest or fastest or tallest or strongest.
But I put in the effort and I’ll work for your content.
I promise not to you hurt you, if you’ll promise the same,
Because in the end we are opposites but one in name.

Loving You,
Is so painful,
Too cliché,
And risqué…

Too dangerous,
Too incredulous,
Too out of bounds,
Too without grounds.

A soul mate,
A friend,
A lover,
A mother.

It’s coming to a close,
And all these words, and ideas and moans,
They are my own.
But they are more yours than mine,
Because I am nothing, if not on you’re vine.
Feed me and pet met and water me too,
Show me lots of love, and like an angel sent from above,
I will radiate my light on you.

It’s not much, for sure,
But it’s what I’ve got.
It’s added to you’re presence,
Your heavenly beauty.

I’ll leave you with one last thought,
Something that shall not be forgot.
You’re only young and you’re only alive once,
So make it the best, make it loved,
That’s what I’ve done, what I did,
When I found the one.

Mia.

All along the midnight prairie,
Across the twilight plains and rarely,
In those oft forgotten and half imaginary,
Waking dreams of bygone maps,
Lies that kid you used to be a lack,
Lidless moon and starlit flack,
Illuminate loves long lost track,
Wherein , perhaps, dear child, dear friend,
You'll find a way to here again,
But in this world oh so blue,
Where twilight never gleams nor shines on through,
Where going back is no mend,
And dying forward is one's bend,
Verily little boy listening clearly,
My wisdom sense I pass on dearly,
You'll get nowhere on this life I fear,
Without losing your innocence,
In a midnight prairie

My place in the world,
Small, fleeting,
Stressful, insignificant,
Oh, but blissful, rewarding,
Earning your keep,
Meeting your goals,
Dealing with people,
Getting better every day,
Mastering your craft,
Oh the paycheck ain't great,
And I don't have a fancy education,
Nothing a book could teach me,
Or a teacher lecture me,
That could reach my core,
And fill the emptiness,
So I left.
And, now, like every American,
I fell down at some point but,
Yes, I'm Free!
Yes I'm finding what it means to,
Pursue being happy,
And I hate that you don't wanna be here,
I hate that you don't want to support me,
I hate that my journey takes me,
Far away from you,
I hate that, you look down upon me,
With half-fond memories, stained by,
All the hasbeens and could beens,
And almost was's that we were,
That maybe if I'd just never fell,
Maybe if I hadn't wasted that year,
Maybe if I hadn't needed you so much,
In the worst of ways,
Oh my if I had just stayed the way I was,
For a few years longer,
Your ghost wouldn't be here haunting,
Scathing, judging, from so far,
so near.
I need an exorcist, darlin,
you are my demon, you are my fear,
you are my nightmare, my everywhere.
I hate that I met you, that I loved you so,
To this day, pathetically, you are the,
one piece of my life that,
will always be,
missing.

Let's talk about oh being an adult,
it's a ******* scam, a real insult,
they audit your soul and **** your account,
and you learn the value of money is goods, cars, hotels, and a mound,
a hovel, a home, a place for the sound,
of your empty, pitiless, soul gone 'round,
and round dreaming of Christmas, as a child bound,
by the lights and the wrappings and agnostic
witness the fate you will take, taking the rate,
of your depression gone by oh those halcyon days I innately
cannot help but feel oh that I've missed something lately,
a parallel me or something deep beneath me,
it claws and it itches at the corners of my mind discreetly,
Digressing my  transgressions up on my own altars, weepily,
not tearing not emoting, no, not nothing, as if the Upston
I was, was only a dreaming, faint long gone sound, echoing,
teetering, upon sand castles that a once proud being,
called John was making, that now fall, upon the waves of reality,
and oh my own lackings. Tide me back take me away,
oh the void is calling, if not childhood gain, then adulthood,
lost, oh if I cant own her anymore then I'll just be tossed,
Into the ocean, sinking, no need to swim, just flossed,
and cleaned out, to be recycled, next time, next life,
Maybe I'll learn,
Something.
Or maybe, just maybe, if you're listening closely,
I'm just simply.... Mumbling.

Oh, Music
The kind of music
that excites the part of my mind
that makes me feel separate from mankind

The ******* rush of the void
slick softening comfort of the dark
like the sick arousing relief of your wife leaving you
the smile you swallow in the back of our throat, the only truth

As if, at last, I don't have to be... anything to anyone,
I can just hate and wallow and satiate,
my own made up desires
a husk. a beautiful dusk of a once bright human
being.
As if. But tomorrow always brings,
that disgusting dawn.

I wish love didn’t hurt,
But its worth it in the end.

I wish we could understand each other,
And be kept hand in hand.

Life isn’t perfect, and neither is she,
But even when I’m sad I’m happy.

Even when I’m frowning,
I wouldn’t want to leave her.

Maybe its an addiction,
But if it is I want more!

Her heart I implore,
As I seek for more glances and chances.

I don’t want this to end cuz I’m nothing without,
The smile on her face, the twinkle in her eye.

I will not lie,
I’m the perfect disaster.

I’m sweet but I'm a *******.
She gives me most everything, but I just want more tears.

I want it all, as she once told me,
“I just want someone who treats me like I’m everything.”

I don’t want this world, this fake device,
Just her body, her neck to lay myself by.

She needs to move closer,
So I can hold her.

New Jersery is too far,
The oceans colder…

Thinking about ‘Hey There Delilah’,
Wishing we could at least be together in our dreams.

She may not like it but she’s my princess,
And I still have to build my castle around her.

No one is fairer, no one nicer.
She is my turn on, my **** touch….

And I couldn’t live withoutch ya.

You know what I just realized today?
I'm just writing the same poem, different words,
A hundred times.

My soul ache is the same, my skill,
always so very terrible.
At times I even use the same words and comparisons!

How many times have you seen ruby red heart...
or worse me stating that now I'm not going to rhyme...
and then rhyming!

I'm disappointed, disgusted, but at least take happiness in,
This being the most honest poem I have yet written.

Well. I'm going to sleep, and maybe another day, if you know what I mean.