look at your hands
are they ***** yet?

i counted every single footstep from the car to here
i ran them backwards through my mind
and then i forgot about it

reactions and
nervous twitches
i have all of you to thank
but no time to do properly pay you back

don't worry
stay the **** away from me

the sun rose on the wrong side today
i stared into it until i went blind
the crows came to visit me again at the hospital
and they didn't make me feel any better

today i came to and realized
i'd thrown it all away

return to earth
try not to be bothered
by the bamboo shoots stemming from your lungs
through your throat and out of your mouth

of this pain, i cannot speak
but i can only imagine it hurts

Suicide is the ultimate failure
My bones are crafted out of fear
My tendons are ripped out of anxiety

The moon laughed along with me although it was dim
Flash flood warnings are both of our favorite things
The storm clouds controlled by me and the moon

two steps forward and seventy five back
a dry heave with each meal

i cannot feel my heart anymore
as it balloons in my throat
i cannot feel my stomach anymore
as the knots bend there way out of my skin and explode on the floor
for you
and only for you

you have created all that you wanted to let go
you have created all that you never wanted to be there
you have created me

we return
to
our own
homes

a trap made for mice
fooled a man

rather than
feelings
we have
perceptions
of vague and thick reality

there is no conclusive evidence to prove you're here
there was nothing here that wasn't here that wasn't here that wasn't here

i feel like i could have thought of a lot of other ways to tell you how i actually felt

i decided to
flip the table
smash the glasses into my forehead
and bathe in bleach

in all directions falling
in all faculties falling
in all material, extending

tear from my weight in two
I no longer care

rush to pleasure
nicotine yellow
my bloated belly is glowing

**** time
dead forever

bathe in the blood of your own savior
find someone who condones your actions
and just like you've done before
tear into their chest

talk to their organs
watching smoke curl in the desert early morning air

your whispers are soothing
but not if the act has already been committed
words are futile if you draw arbitrary lines

and i can draw lines with you, and cross those same lines all day
if i wanted to

i bit through my fingers
i ate my fingers down to the knuckles
bone has a rough texture and
my teeth cannot break through to plentiful marrow

i clenched the exposed knuckles and made a fist in an attempt to vaguely hit who i thought
was bound to be there
but no one was there
so i spat blood as i hit myself in the face for an hour

sometimes horses can be used for therapy
and sometimes they cannot be utilized if they break their legs

"he ran like a ******* gazelle" he jumped out of a window and ran down the street

which didn't stop me from running him over with my car

drowning in stab wounds
bleeding out
on a white tile floor

these colors
were supposed to be ones you couldn't see
but i've showed them to you now

evergreen
but never content
like smoke on a cold night
like a chest cavity full of insects, stinging slowly and carefully

blood blisters full of gravel
this treatment is unjust but nobody
is around to justify it anymore

had a little bit too much to drink there
might have held you down too long

as oxygen returned to your skin you looked at me and we said nothing to each other

that my ribs may be sheared apart
to create mock wings
to writhe incessantly
in the sky
towards warmth
all i wanted was to find warmth and
the sun decided to burn my wings instead

in my ultraviolet coffin i had a few thoughts but none worth mentioning
most of which i regret
even if i cannot remember them as they were in the first place

a wish to fly
a wish to escape
a wish to not be here
anymore
not anymore

I am disabled, would you fire on me?
do you determine who you're protecting
by who you've done the most damage to?
I am harm free
And I am obsolete
Please don't consider the facts
we have no time for that

What makes me feel
away from safety
is you

This is something
that you'll never hear
It means so much to me
because it means nothing to you

Anti aging
is another form of death
no more wrinkles
and no more flesh

Throw all the old things
in the basement
and let us forget

Carry me down the stairs
I cannot walk
My body deserted me long ago

And in the
small wisps of wind
I whisper
for you'll grow deaf
faster than I can drown

hunger pains make little boys flinch at night
convulsing their way through nightmares
and shooting up in their bedrooms

I stole myself from someone else
and I'm not here now

May the river run red with my offering
I watch as the river bed overflows
The wind blows cold and strong

Seasons change
People change, sometimes

I can feel the cold
like liquid steel through my veins
popping out of my neck
as if to escape

I see the red and I let it take me over

cold touch
dead
all i remember

anything and everything
forever and ever
and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
forever

tall glass of ***** to cure the pain
tearing apart pigment with sandpaper and bleach in the bathtub
rock salt pouring out of open wounds

what is this?
i want to forget this
i need this
i need to forget this

**** yourself for thinking otherwise
******* for what you think because
i don't like it

there are no more empty vials
your blood is spewing out of your trackmarked skin and there's nothing either of us can do about it

life is hard
but this was

the men in the walls are laughing
the faucet is dripping with the blood of our mothers
the names of all of the saints are alive in our mouths
and we want to spit them out

the earth is cold

How can they tell when they've drawn blood?
of holy remains
and forked tongues

Let this be a lesson to you
All we can hope for
is the surface
Invisible and crafted into place

It is difficult to operate machines on an empty stomach
Something about their piercing glare is so
Appetizing

I live for my next meal
That is to say I think I can afford it

all i want is a place to rest
and all i know is that i need to rest

i have been running on empty for a long time now
there's not much of a point in any of it; besides sleep, sleep must happen

sleep at all costs, but not really

everything is right beside you
at the same time nothing is

the truth is your personal pounding and merciless journey  
once you go you cannot return
and you'll be gone for a long, long time
don't you worry
I am always with you

i spend three quarters of my time with you
i spend the remaining quarter losing my ******* mind

i didn't come out right
i didn't come out right
i didn't come out right

how do you decide what a war film is or what it isn't

hit
dead impact
flattening of the cortex

your hands, acting as cages
brought your ribs back between muscle
and layered you to the sky

a gift upwards
a single flight
and nothing more

a gift upwards
a flight for one better occupied by two because life exists upside down
and nothing
more

All of my dignity got stuck in an electric fence
My pride mangles itself, trying to unfold on chicken-wire
I am taken by the throat

It is okay to bite your nails
It is okay to talk to me
It is okay

Dear you,

My heart aches for you. But, there's only so much I can do, or there's never enough that I can do. One of those, I don't know which. I wrote this because I hurt too, we all do. I like to subdue pain, only because I don't know how to end it.

I'm sorry

laughing as you cut your fried something at the head of the table
laughing
all the way downstairs

fear
innate and crawling
it knows me
it seeps in and out of my pores with everything inside of my body
it climbs out of my ears
anchors my shoulders and
weighs me down,
inevitably pulling me back
inevitably keeping me inside
inevitably ignoring me

i am a slave to my own body

razorblades broken off in glass
three cigarette burns on my forearm
and five cuts to the neck
proved nothing to me
but only to remind me that
i had finished

make a coffin for me
out of masking tape and wooden planks
float me down the river
like your savior like your savior like only your savior could

don't let your insides go bad

do not come into my home and tell me
what the truth is
i will
show you what truth is and
behind the truth
i will show you
another
grand ******* spectacle of a liar

like swine
face full of remains

you can berate me
you can have your way with me
you can use your hands

but
i somehow always remember to check if the door's locked

My body is an economy in failure

"Here's our money"

I am dead
inside of my head
when I'm the only one left
this is the only thing I think I know

but I can't take it anymore

computer response time
answering machine beep tones
I ******* hate my therapist

world of glass walls
and eggshells to walk on
as long as would be appropriate
to crack
break or strain

rot
show me you are made of nothing more than what we can see

I live in the inevitable fear of my body as my existence continues and I am unable to stop it

i smile but clench my teeth so hard my gums bleed
i look to the sun to guide me
for presumably, i am lost
but a glance upward snaps my bones

like a bouquet of roses
dead from staying out in the rain

Incisions on flesh to indicate
time, that has passed for
it is all that is left
for counting

Dear God
let me die now and take me under your warm wings
Dear God
let me tear down the golden gates of your empire
Dear God
the bed of nails I sleep on is growing dull and my
back aches in yearning for your pain
Dear God
what you have given me to live with is too much and at
the same time
it will never be enough

He dosed himself accordingly
and there he stayed
no choice of his own
voids of safety and fragments of past

chipping off bone
as a monument to an end
that neither of us are confident to move close towards

when i was born they put
tubes down my throat
and i am starting to feel
as if nobody remembered to remove them

birds ate my arm
i let them

i looked in the mirror
i was not who i thought i was

i left in the stingers this time
i forget things easily

i don't have any trophies around here
and at this point i think i should

the key that i found
opened the wrong door

where are you?
we all thought you'd be here by now
we've been waiting for you
we are all, of course, here for you, no matter what

i knew i could catch a ride before they found you
all ******* like that, from the trees, with golden silk ribbons streaming from your hair

on my flight away from your final location, my eyes started to bleed
and at that point in time i thought that joining the mile high club might not be such a bad idea
it just depends on how you picture it
i suppose

give me another one
to rectify
to resolve
or to destroy
on certain terms
at certain times

this I know for certain
I am never alone

you might exist finitely
but not here
and not now

here you will live in forever
in pieces of porcelain i will
hang your pieces from the trees

and listen to the wind at night
like a screaming child at three in the mornoing