I've been scratching at my
wrists in my sleep lately as if
to let something
out

every time I go outside to light up I think of you
every stomach groan
every passing glance from people I should remember by now
all my teeth held open
gaping in awe

last night I dreamt I fell down
I dreamt I fell down and then they nailed me to their holy ground

when I woke up I called for you but you weren't there
I wanted your embrace and I wanted to lay my head in your lap and blow smoke out of my nose and laugh at jokes that only I knew the punchline to

I wanted to change and you gave me that
I sharpened a blade
I heated it up, sterilized it
just like you showed me
the same hands that brought me relief tore into my muscles this time
I limped to you
I crawled to you
I've licked my wounds and saliva is no good anymore

I am sorry for who I am and everything that I've done
if you're reading this you ought to know that
I've never owned a gun

This is what you asked for
I will tell you what you want

Scars as gateways into my plastic heart
worn and beating out of time

When will you realize that you are out of time?

if its in front of you push it down
if it irritates you throw it away or

numb!
numb!
numb after all

to the committee!
that they care so much
through words but not actions

to the department!
that they feel as if something is wrong
when nothing is

to the body!
or to my body!
to material extension outwards
in feigned progress
and veiled agendas

get home
before
your drug balloons
fall out of me

i loved you but i don't anymore

chipped off a piece of brain matter
earlier this morning
zipped it up for later
knew id need it to remember you by
even though i thought
id never forget

i need to die

for a contract killer
you keep good company
and have a lovely bedside manner

cut off all features starting with the eyes
because no one likes to be looked at
while doing something they know they should not
be doing

Take control of my limbs
Guide my useless appendages
I'll look at myself
only if you make me

I have a simple wish
I have one desire
To never be a part

everyday
I accept that my body is an inside-out candle a little bit more
that my organs may serve as coal
and my skin begins to evaporate
and it is my only escape
and it is condemning me to
a hierarchy of disease

notions are not as smooth without schedule
and proper timing
you will be made to forget all that you should remember
if you do not etch it deeply enough into your forearm

When you've been in enough hospitals
You realize how important it is to abuse the catalyst

Time for an attraction
Time for a spectacle
Watch me cut myself open
to drown the sorrows out

My angel
It comes to me on broken wings
And it says to me
"They're here"

ripping out my teeth
for the sake of inorganics

carve your head like an
ice sculpture
and present you to your family

staggering to the finish line
going down
down with no up
pure, total, complete, perfect
down
down
down

Nonentity is of no consequence
If you are aiming to please

Well, actually, or rather potentially
nothing
dead and gone

hurt quantified by time constraint
to anyone, ever
to you maybe
or someone else

look over your shoulder
but do not stare

the mouth that never closes
nests crafted out of teeth
trading skin for kindling

i will never be the same again

This is not the worst option
but by far the most precarious

Why did they leave me here?
Fragments of reality pierce my brain
It looks like you aren't sure who you are anymore

i ran over more black cats on my way here
and shattered enough mirrors along the way
to justify all the truth and all the lies

could never find a way

for every piece you took
I took a bit more
for every time you looked
I laughed a bit harder
for every time you cried
I dug your hole deeper

sweet dreams

you never though I would bother telling you when to brace yourself
but now you need to duck down

you have no options left
and my foot is in the door

Tell me who I am
Before I figure it out myself

Take my hands and bring me back to the high chairs and the birthday candles and pretend I was okay for just a little bit longer if not only to make me smile

I will almost never forget that

Gag me
and tell me to breathe easy
Cut me
and ask me to bleed neatly

conditioning complete
worship to infinity
death

in consequence
but ultimately of no consequence

I sleep with their words all around me
a cacophony of the sick
I look at you to save me
and I don't know why

I am beyond saving

the unsolicited means to an end
as i come back for more
as i always do
and always will

pushing pieces of myself up a hill
with my face, bifurcating in reverse
and tearing apart my stomach

it is correct to cry out in pain

Whatever your favorite currency is
I will burn it

I never meant to hurt you
but I did

a loser should have no intuition
but I do

I can steal your ashes and get away with it
if you leave the lights on and the door unlocked

no more
time
punishment
or indexed actions

death
now

nothing exists too long over here anymore, or at least not too often, we get a good one every once and again

but not terribly often

there are no muses left
they have all creatively been claimed, in the name of creativity, of course
you are not allowed to react anymore

my heart is made of different muscles than yours
the walls of each chamber of my heart are atrophying

burn what's left of me to the ground
upon my death, don't go to my funeral
because there won't be one

Writhing on a cold white floor. contracted into proper condition. placed on the earth above.

If you talk to me, I'll transfer the burden of my life onto you.

dead leaves turn the forest to rust
we all go there in the end
everyone loves you when you're dead

poison to poison
body to body
string to blade

to break

I noticed it first on my shoulder
I woke up and spat it out
Vaguely, it tasted like you; like "it", but more like you

New haunts from old nightmares
Violent, ****** hallucinations govern the past
If history is to repeat itself one more time

i have no one but myself to blame
and i have nothing better to do

i can hear a dying bird
at night
in my dreams
i hear the call of a bird with wings that don't work

i listen for it until my heart implodes

Why would I bow, for the sake of sadness?
What do you think this is?
Who do you really think I am?

a wish that
the earth would be tied together in fraying knots, all of one cloth
and connect the fabric and cover
myself with it

want to die
i have nothing else to say
you want concise? here it is

i have to go inside or else i will be shot
do you understand me?
am i getting through?

park benches and back allies were all i knew
and i've hit a switch and now it will never stop

your love
like worms in the heart
and bubbles of blood
exploding inside of me

we cannot survive
we cannot stay warm

Dress me in my best suit
and lower me
put me underneath

Dress me in my best suit
and bury me
drown me in apathy
and breathe my last breath for me

My owners taught me some new words today
Ones that won't allow me to kneel and pray
or take my medicine and pray

They let me out today
but not too far

a carcass is as productive here as something with a pulse
you think it will never happen to you
but there's always a margin of error
for everything
always

will whatever is in me
blossom and bear fruit?

or will I be left to rot and
wilt
like the rest of the flowers
a bouquet for you that is now gone because you are not there

and this path
brought me to a milky, ashen, unforgiving sunrise
and i thought of you once,  but
without pictures i forgot you

fall off a cliff kissing me
******
let me show you what i can do for you

i've had dreams that could never last as long as this
or at least i think so
so i spin in circles until the sun goes down

carrion, forever
immortality crushed
red tastes and broken glass everywhere

look at the mess I have made of my life

six in the morning
five phases of traffic
autophagia to pass the time

arrived at work with one less arm
it doesn't matter if your face is made for radio

even Jesus harmed himself

my stomach is in knots
and you're laughing on the floor

nails chip easily in cement
skin doesn't adhere to hot pavement without pain
eyes don't look inwards unless

well
they might
who knows?

for multiple partitions of my youth I was exclusively accompanied by a black crow
it followed me everywhere, it perched strategically outside of my window and called to me all throughout the night and through each painful day I called upon my will to smash the crow but it would not let me frantically I ran to the garage and got some gas a rag and threw it at my house in hopes of scaring the bird but it was gone

Can you not see
Could you not tell

I could use some good medicine
For my headaches
For me to take before I call my therapist
For me to pretend I'm not sick

My relationship with you is what carrion is to a vulture
I am hungry and I am cold but I can never sleep
It seems that everything programmed to defeat me has fallen through this time