I want you to want me
And you say you really do
But I know your words are lies
Just told to make me feel beautiful.
You feel for me not what I feel for you
So I understand your reasoning -
Why would you choose me,
A daisy in a field of roses?

Do you ever hug your pillowcase,
Face down, eyes searing through the light colored cotton
Like you’re trying to see through the fabric,
Looking for a reflection into your own head,
Searching for some peace of mind within you?
Peace of mind.
The one thing we all need the most, crave the most
All everyone says is keep looking, keep trying
It will come eventually -
*******.
So the search for serenity continues
It’s gotta be somewhere out there, right?
All that results is overthinking
Thoughts spinning out of control,
And consuming your entire mind.
And now it’s 4am and it stings in the shower
And I’m sorry if you understand that
Because it means you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I’m wondering about you
Wondering why this isn’t working,
Like when we’re sitting together,
You and me at dinner, and you won’t look up.
Is your phone prettier than my face?
I’ll never really ask because, yes,
I am that shy girl I sometimes refer to.
So I’ll keep on searching for answers to my questions
But the problem is that the answers are not inside my wrist
So I’m just going to hug my pillowcase some more,
Thinking about you, thinking about us
Letting the pain seep deeper into my heart.
It hurts because it matters.
And yes, I might wonder too much,
But I’m so obsessed with finding someone to love me
Because I can’t love myself.

And now it’s 5am, and I should probably go to sleep
So I can look okay when I see you in the morning.

You made me crave the fall –
One so hard, so unrecoverable,
So permanent, that I could not avoid an end.
I want to jump from a twelve-story tower,
Shattering my head on the hard cement,
Or leap from the highest bridge in this city,
Detonating my body in the freezing river.
I want to take a nap on the railroad tracks,
Finding eternal rest on the slim metal rods,
Or starve my system clean of your toxins,
Carving frailty into my bones so they simply snap.
I want to sleep on the shore in the winter,
Being dragged out to sea to embrace its calm,
Or slice myself open, to let you slowly ebb out,
Draining my being free and erasing me of you.
Most of all, I just want to cry, cry, cry,
Drowning in tears and disappearing forever -
Making it clear that you pushed me down
And forced me into an abominable free fall.

I never thought this would happen again
This feeling, this darkness -
I knew it would come, consume me
Making me crave everything I had given up.
It has once again latched onto my back
Digging its terrorizing claws into my skin
Scratching, bleeding, scarring,
Creating marks that will forever remain.
No matter how much I treat them,
How long I keep them covered,
No one, no matter how hard they try,
Can see the effects you leave -
Because all of these cuts are directly on my heart.

Something has been planted deep within me,
Oh so deep, I can feel it molding to my soul
So powerful it pounds to the beat of my heart.

Something has been forming within me,
Only it bends and folds and twists to your voice
Say something, anything – catalyze its creation.

Something has been growing quickly within me,
Opening my eyes to the power of your smile
Smug yet shy, crippling my awareness of its emergence.

Something has developed within me,
Operating both my mind and my heart
Shoving past my bones and crawling to your being.

Most girls my age
Make a wish at 11:11.
They wish for Prince Charming
Or to travel to romantic places
And they look for good and happiness.
But I, on the other hand,
Used to wish for the bad and scary –
That is, if I thought a wish was worth it at all.
I used to wish for cancer, or a crashed car
Anything that would make those with experience
Hate my very existence
Almost as much as I did.
11:11 meant a time for tears –
Because I was someone who didn’t care,
Someone who didn’t want a future –
What would I wish for?
A slow, painful death at times
A quick, painless one at others.
Everything around me was gone at 11:11 –
Family and friends and love and future –
My surroundings were a fuzzy white screen,
A television without signal,
With no goal, or hope even, for repair.
It is 11:11 once again,
And though I’ve been “fixed,”
I haven’t taken help in days,
Avoided my chemical necessities.
I don’t want any repair, readjustments
Or the liberation of love and romance.
The only thoughts running through my head
Are jumbled and insane,
As I rack my brain for a new wish,
But I realize I am too late;
It is now 11:12, and slowly I remember
I just made the same wish as before.

Nervousness sets in
As I await the news
And doctors disagree
About their medical muse.

Confusion swarms high
As answers are not clear
And possibilities come to my mind
Cancer and tumors, the greatest fear.

Anxiety bubbles up
As the next appointment comes
And I don’t know what I want;
My thoughts are going numb.

Sometimes I think the possibilities of health are shrinking
And then I realize… that’s just wishful thinking.