2017 was
one of the hardest
years of my life
I started
cutting again
I tried to
**** myself
my depression hit
an all-time low
I was at
rock bottom
and I promised myself
2018 would be
different
it won’t turn out
the same
but three days in
and it’s already
looking the same
if not worse

is life even worth living?
because i can’t name a single reason to live
but I can name a thousand reasons to die

this
is what you think it is

i never thought i would write one
but then again
i never thought i would be in this situation

i thought of saying thank you
to those few people who made me happy
but i think that might make me feel worse

so instead
im going to explain
why im doing this

why am i ending it now?
why am i giving up?
why am I losing hope?

im “ending it” because im tired
tired of living with myself
tired of hating myself

im “giving up” because i can’t go on
i can’t keep pretending im fine
i can’t act like im not falling apart

im “losing hope” because there is no hope to hold onto
i don’t have a future
i have nothing, no one

im sorry
im so so sorry
but this has to happen

you may think im weak
you may think im over exaggerating
you may think im seeking attention

but in all honesty
im just sick of this life im living
if you could even call it that

so this is my official goodbye
goodbye to the world
goodbye to my family
goodbye to my friends
goodbye to my life

this
is my suicide note

I used to imagine people who self-harmed
as crazy people
"you're making yourself bleed?"
"you purposely put yourself in pain?"
I used to ask

I would cringe
thinking about it

who knew a few years later
that would be me?
who knew that would be me
making myself bleed?
who knew that would be me
putting myself in pain on purpose?

who ******* knew?

Sometimes I think
About all my flaws
So I take the blade
To my bare wrist
And make a slice
Into my skin

Sometimes when there are pills in my house
Or nearby to where I am
I get an urge
To find the bottle
And swallow its contents

Sometimes when I’m alone
In my bedroom at night
I think about how much I hate myself
And that I would be better off dead

But if it weren’t for
Certain people
Those “sometimes” would be “all the times”
And I would be dead

People don’t realize
Everything I do
Has a purpose

Why do I have so many key chains on my bag?
So that when I walk it drowns out the sound of my thighs rubbing against each other

Why do I sit sideways on my chair?
So that you don’t see my thighs spilling over the edge on both sides

Why do I always wear jeans?
Because they hold in all my fat

Why do I always wear long sleeves?
So that I can hide the scars on my wrists

Why do I always wear hoodies and sweaters?
Because it hides my body fat

Why do I always straighten my hair?
So that it will frame my face and hide my double chin

Why do I wear four pounds of makeup?
So that I can hide my acne and disgusting face

Why do I play with the ring on my finger so often?
Because I do it whenever I'm anxious, which is often

Why am I always smiling?
Because on the inside I’m breaking but I don’t want you to see

You see
Everything I do
There’s a reason behind it

Depression is were you want to be alone,
But at the same time you dont want to be lonely.
Depression is where everything is going right,
But you're still sad.
Depression is wanting to go out,
But at the same time not wanting to socialize.
Depression is feeling trapped,
Trapped in your own mind
and no one understands.
Depression is having scars on your thighs and arms,
Scars from the battle you fought.
Depression is having sleepless nights,
Depression is shouting for help,
But no one hears you.
Depression is fighting demons deep
inside you.
Depression is not something to laugh at,                                    
So grow up if you think depression is just an act,
Depression is something serious.