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Jessy Dec 2017
Five months
Five months since I almost ended it all
Five months since I almost left the earth
Five months since I tried to swallow a whole bottle of pills
Five months since my mom stopped me, saved me

Five months
153 days
Since I tried to **** myself
Jessy Dec 2017
Today, my friends were sitting at our lunch table
My four friends sitting around me
We were talking about death and funerals
My one friend said,
“I’m dying first.
I’m dying before all of you.
So that I don’t have to go to any of your funerals.”

And I thought to myself
Isn’t that funny?
How she stated, as a-matter-of-factly
That she is going to die first

It’s funny because I almost died before her
When I tried to **** myself
Lucky for her, I guess, I failed
Jessy Dec 2017
the other day
I had my first kiss
the first time my lips came in contact with another human
it was magical

I was on cloud nine the entire time on my ride home
I was happy
I couldn’t stop smiling
genuinely smiling

when I got home I cried uncontrollably
but they weren’t tears of joy
they were tears of sadness and fear

I was sad because I thought he wouldn’t want a relationship
I was scared because I thought he wouldn’t want me
why would he want me and all my problems?

I have depression
I’m suicidal
I slit my wrists
no one wants to deal with my problems

I’m fat, ugly and rude
no one wants me
but I don’t blame them
I don’t even want myself
wrote this about three years ago
  Dec 2017 Jessy
kas
this is how it happens
it's the last day the temperature will be
above thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit
until February
you're not looking at the date
it's just the end of November
the middle of the night in the middle of a road
at the end of November
the hum of this small town hurts your ears
you're stuck in a dream where everything you see
turns into a weapon
this is how it happens
you knocked back sharp, amber liquid
to make this place feel a little more okay
and it only worked halfway
no matter how soft the edges are
you bruise your hips when you
run into them in the dark
you're ******* on your fourth cigarette when
a police officer pulls over and asks
how you're doing today
in the too-bright white of the headlights
the sick taste of Red Stag sticks to
the roof of your mouth
the mouth that you're moving into a smile
the mouth exhaling plumes of smoke at the ground
you're okay
"i'm okay."
you don't tell him what you're really doing
you're really taking all of your
thoughts about stopping your pulse for a walk
you don't tell him you've been
chasing ambulances all night long
please, officer don't leave me alone, you don't say
he tells you to have a good night and drives away
and this is how it happens
the moon smiles at you with every single one
of its tiny, sharp teeth
nobody but your cat finds you in that bathtub
nobody but your cat watches you rise from red water
watches it drip drip drip
from every chasm carved in your left arm
nobody but your cat saw the soft animal of your soul
shiver from the cold that day
it's the first day the temperature
dropped below
thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit inside your chest
based on true events
Jessy Dec 2017
pretty
nice
funny
skinny
smart

these are things people want to be
things people strive to be
things i want to be

ugly
fat
rude
annoying
stupid

these are things people don’t want to be
things people avoid being
things i can’t stop being

insane
crazy
depressed
****** up
weird

these are things people refuse to be
things people don’t accept
things i am

sure, they’re just adjectives
but they’re so much more than that
Jessy Dec 2017
I look at myself in the mirror,
Unsure why
I don’t like what I see,
But how can I change?
I was made this way for a reason
And I will stay this way forever.

I don’t want to be like this forever.
I look at my reflection in the mirror
And I do it for a reason,
Even though I don’t know why.
But I guess I want to change
Although it’s not that easy, you see...

I hate what I see,
And I don’t want to be this way forever.
But I don’t know how to change.
Because what I see in the mirror
I think is ugly. You ask why?
Well even I don’t know the reason.

And there is a reason,
That I am still unable to see
And I know why.
Because no matter what, I will think this way forever
And continue to look in the mirror
Wanting my body to change.

I want myself to be different, to change
And it’s like that for a reason.
I can only see myself in the mirror
And I hate what I see.
It will be like this forever
No matter how many times I ask ‘why’.

I cry and scream and yell out ‘why’,
Because I want my body to change.
I will cry forever
For the very good reason
That I hate what I see
When I look in the mirror.

I now know why and it will stay like that forever,
I look in the mirror and am disgusted with what I see,
But I see that I can’t change myself and that is the reason.
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