I call you and as usual your phone goes to voicemail
I open my mouth and poetry flows out
It is like I'm choking on everything I want to say but it is all phrased so
Beautifully
And painfully
That I want to erase the message and start again


When I play it back to myself I hear my garbled cries of agony
I hear pleas that are sure to fall on deaf ears
I hear promises that I should've made months ago

And I delete the message without hesitation.

your god insisted (demanded)
that one child in every odd family
live through hell
as a test (for his pride)
they endured trauma, suffering, heartbreak, tragedy
with god watching, waiting for them to call on him (a narcissist)
but they started dying (their own hands)
he began to grow nervous (does god doubt?)
he made the test harder, he had to destroy those left (scared of his mess)
I survived. I will survive. I will make him get on his knees and beg for my mercy (I am not your plaything. I am my own god)

It was asking too much of the universe

That I have a good day

And so to expel the hopes and wishes I had for that day,

I slashed a reminder for every year I've lived

And let loose all the hopes I had for ever getting better

Have you ever had someone tell you they love you

And they convince you that they mean it, that you're going to be with them forever

And then starts the arguments, the shifting blame, the trust being broken, the lies and deceit

And all the abuse and manipulation is too hard to keep up with, you start to feel like you're stuck in a maze and doing everything wrong and making all the wrong turns

And your heart watches you from above, screaming directions that you can't (or don't because you thought this was love) hear

You've changed your name so much in the years since I left that I feel like I made you up
You're not the same person who abused me until I couldn't hear that name for weeks
That person had me looking over my shoulder for months, scared to talk to anyone, scared to make the wrong move

And now you're internet famous,
writing poetry about heartbreak and suffering

hiding your lies, your deceit, your malice

And I'm trying to put the pieces back together so that I remember how it felt to be loved (abused) by you