All my childhood I was told to be quiet

I modeled myself so that I became the background noise, a silhouette in the corner, someone's shadow

When I became an adult, that role was so far ingrained into me that it became my personality

I am the one who stays home when everyone else has gone to the party, I am the one who holds everyone's coats at the dance club

I sometimes wonder if my death will affect anyone, if they will notice that where I once stood still holds the shape of my feet

When did it get this way

When did wanting to die become my default emotion

When did everything that made me happy fade to shades of grey

How did the people who claim to love me

Allow me to fall into this pit of despair and destruction

Without ever trying to reach in and save me

Say it was always me, always me
Comfort yourself in your blanket of blame

Allow your friends who never knew me,
Never loved me,
To assure you that you were right, of course you were right

Say whatever you need
To convince yourself that I didn't give you my all until my hands were bleeding and broken

From the pedestal I built to put you on

How about the one where I had so many friends I couldn't keep track
Or the one where we were too scared to make a homemade ouija board
Try the one where I went to someone else's house to celebrate
Here, have the one where all I got from my mother was a dry toned voice-mail
Feast upon the most recent one where I jumped into a pool in 53 degree weather to try and drown
I wonder what the next one has in store for me

When most people say they have seasonal depression, they usually mean in the winter
Depression and winter go hand in hand
Darkness, cold, shorter days, holidays where if you're alone you're miserable, deadlines
But some people don't understand that seasonal depression happens in the summer too
I wish I could explain why I don't want to go outside when the sun has never been brighter
I wish I could help you comprehend why going swimming is a perfect way for me to drown myself
I wish I could help you understand why I don't feel accomplished or at ease, I feel under pressure to have a good summer
But I can't

If you fell out of love with me,
Would you be brave enough, strong enough,
To look me in the eyes
And tell me that you no longer felt the same way?
Would you be able to stomach my immediate panic,
My hysteria,
My desperation as I beg you to tell me that you're joking
Would you be able to look me in the face
And feel nothing but sympathy
As I completely crumble before you?

Do you remember?
How you told me we were "playing a game"
And you made me do things no 4 year old should do
You made me think we were having fun
That I was winning this game
But I'm older now and I realize that I've lost
You probably don't even remember
But I do