I thought tonight would be the night, the night I've been waiting for. Tonight I would have told you- nay- confessed to you the genuine, heartfelt love I have for you.*

Tonight nothing happened, again. I saw your face, the same face that quivers my insides and makes my heart beat in slow motion, and I knew I could tell you absolutely nothing about my fiery desires for you.

So you still know nothing and suspect everything.
I still mumble the same mantra to myself about how I'm doing the right thing, waiting for the right time. But it's flat out b u l l s h i t and I know it. I'm scared to love, scared to lose, scared to ***** it up.

They say time heals all wounds but the wounds that love inflicts has no healing. Time can merely stitch up your cuts and tell you not to stress them, lest they burst apart and leave you bleeding out again.
Only love can heal love, and you and I are *TOO SCARED TO JUMP!

It's been a year since you
took your own life away
& left a note for me
telling me that you're
sorry that you broke

I wish you would have called
tried to talk to me before
you took the pills
but we were complicated
another friendship too far

I'm sorry you fell for me
when my heart was for
somebody else
who ended up killing me
yet you're the one who died

Your gravestone rips me in two
& the ****** up thing really is
if you had stuck around a few
more months then maybe
we'd have had happily ever after

My dreams are invaded by you; I am besieged by emotions I'd rather not feel anymore//
Your spirit lingers on my lips and tongue; everything about you I cannot have//
It's the only place you meet me; it's all fiction, bittersweet fiction//
I'm left to wonder if it's you reaching out, or me stuck in the past; I cannot know//

Enjoy the
silence
settling around your
ears;
savor
the taste of air
while
the moment lasts.

your name used to be
       an intake of cool winter air
    refreshing my lungs
in glowing frost;
  when i speak your name
now nothing happens
      you are a memory
   best left forgotten

Slop along down the dreary road,
Rain burns against my weary skin,
The cold wind exhales it's ice,
And the clouds above roll over light.

The mud beneath me slips and slides,
On the boots I'm in, collects on the sides.
Tracks of wagons and people puddles in,
Like even the rain cuddles for warmth.

The path is skewed and twisted,
Broken by time and the elements,
My destination is unknown to me,
All I know is I'm following my destiny.

Bitterness burns,
inside.
It takes my breath away;
can I cry?
Do I have shelter,
or shall I succumb?

All these words,
All these feelings,
I'm a madman
Yelling at mirrors
Scrabble pieces mixed up,
Fifty-Two cards shuffled,
I'm ******* insane
I don't know reality anymore

I honestly couldn't help but laugh
At how we both end up broke from
Love.

Seven years we've known each other
You've gone through six boyfriends
None meant for you.

I've had not a single girlfriend yet
A complicated situation with one
I loved like you.

Now we're in the same boat
Scared to love because it hurt
Too deep to heal.

Most ****** up thing is
If I wasn't a *****
and you could trust me
We'd have forever together
But instead our love is a memory.

Do you give the horse his might?
    Do you clothe his neck with a mane?
Do you make him leap like the locust?
    His majestic snorting is terrifying.
He paws in the valley and exults in his strength;
    he goes out to meet the weapons.
He laughs at fear and is not dismayed;
    he does not turn back from the sword.
Upon him rattle the quiver,
    the flashing spear, and the javelin.
With fierceness and rage he swallows the ground;
    he cannot stand still at the sound of the trumpet.
When the trumpet sounds, he says ‘Aha!’
    He smells the battle from afar,
    the thunder of the captains, and the shouting.

Collect washed out colors
To put in my pocket
As a keepsake with no value
Fenced in for safety
Peculiar things that I let in
Thoughts not my own
I resent them like the fireplace
Who's flames took my secrets
But I threw them in
It's the only thing in this house
To have changed in years
Why?
I hold the past for peace
Yet if I forget
There are ghosts that will avenge

Forget the rules
Follow the rules
Learn the wisdom between the two
And remember that sometimes I'm wrong

That's how I write
And honestly that's how I live
And love, for that matter.

Fill the sky and shine a light
Make this night starry bright
Unveil this shy, bashful moon
Remove it from it's cozy cocoon

Crack the sky and split the air
Make it tear and fire a glare
Ignite it with lightning and screams
Terrors will be your dream themes

Burn us down and slay us all
**** us crawling and let us fall
Never build your towers up
Drink from your poisoned cup

And when we're all dead and gone

Fill the sky and shine a light
Make this night starry bright
Unveil this shy, bashful moon
Remove it from it's cozy cocoon

I still can't really process
you left.
My best friend, through the
hard times and the good.
You just left.
Violated my trust and then left.
Blamed me and then left.
I put everything on us and
you just left.
I'm too scared to cry.
I'm too scared to breathe.
My mind is just in a fog
can't understand you.
Were you looking for an excuse
to leave?
Was I that bad of a friend to you?
Did you suffer the same hell
I went through for you?
Seven years, and the one time I desperately
needed you, you tell me to *******?
Do you not understand I would
do anything for you?
That you were one of the reasons
I didn't pull that trigger last night?
You leave,
block me,
don't respond,
just like that...
And that hurts me more
than my friend who killed herself,
or the second,
or the third...
the lover I lost,
all the rejections,
the family issues,
the PTSD,
all of it combined...
You never even asked
why I was suicidal last night.
What did I do to you
to think of me with such
little regard? To discard me?
We talked everyday.
I supported you through
every ****** boyfriend you had.
I did everything I could
to make sure you were okay
when your mom had the stroke.
I've written you hundreds
of heartfelt poems
(that you never would read
unless I sent them to you)
and you leave
when I cry out for help...

**Who have you become?
Because you're not the woman I knew.

You could never fathom my heart,
You could never accept my love,
You could never trust me,
You could never love,

So you broke my heart,
Just a splinter at a time,
Everyday another crack,
Because you can't love,

Now I am a bitter man,
Cuz I can't forgive you,
I can never forget you,
& when you left, I died.

"How do you know you love me?"*

For a moment, a lone moment in time you loved me.
Close your eyes and don't pay any attention to what you see,
Images and dancing dots are not what to look for, my love.
Close your eyes and feel my voice in your mind,
Softly trickling down to where you don't want me to see;
It's okay.
Trust not in the pain you are feeling, but in the words that are healing.
You have seen my heart reflected through my words, through my actions.
You know I won't recoil and flee from you, my love.
It's okay.
Keep your eyes closed and focus on the warmth of my hand.
Feel as I draw hearts across your knuckles and breathe.
The air is crisp and sweet; keep your eyes closed, my love.
Open the gates of your heart and peer into the portal.
Peer into the portal and see that moment in time.
It's okay; open your eyes, my love.

Do you see how I love you, now?

I love being nobody
I need to be nobody
Anonymity is my cloak
The only way I survive

Because when I'm nobody to everyone
I'm everything to nobody
I can work in the background
And, being unnoticed, do great things

I'll die in an unmarked grave
I'm happy with that
Because if you live peacefully
It was worth the cost

I woke up on my comfortable Sealy mistress
And turned of the alarm on my Apple iPhone 6
I walk into the kitchen and turn on my Keurig machine
And I put in my Dunkin Donuts medium roast coffee
I set my Starbucks coffee mug beneath it
As its filled with two teaspoons of C&H; sugar
I turn on my widescreen HD LG television
And start up my Amazon Kindle Fire HD tablet
I order some Dominoes pizza for delivery
And put in a Walt Disney movie
I proceed to drift to sleep on my JC Penny's couch
And I dream that I am nothing but a sellout

True love:
Loving perfectly
an imperfect person

True love:
Giving everything
For only one

True love:
I love you
I love you too...

Ignorance is bliss
Yet I must admit
Arrogance kisses
Much sweeter indeed

Like a sweater in snow
Your mother is cold
The pattern is checker
Move to New Mexico

The antelope of old
Yet stories seen
On a blanket bold
In yellow and red

Feel the heavy the sharp
life that twists and turns
battered and bitter loss
unholy rage unfettered
takes without a given
heralded forever alone
with walls weeping
deep wounds in my spine
how does one continue
when the final page
was three chapters ago?

I'm not a good man. I promise.
I'm a guy who ****** himself out and usually wears some sort of mask to keep people from getting too close.
I've hurt everyone I've had love for. Family. Friends. The only two women I've ever loved. I'm not a good person.
Yet, in my brokenness, God sees me like a jigsaw puzzle.
God still loves me the same, and His mercies are new everyday. And because of His great, lavishing, ravishing, grace, I love you all.

Maybe you're someone in love with a man in a commitment, and you're having an affair.
And you don't know how to feel about it.
And your family hates you
Well, God loves you, and I love you.

Or perhaps you're a girl who has lost her only friends
And you've cut for the twentieth time, today.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're the woman struggling to keep a twelve year relationship alive, with six kids to care for and you're haunted by the past, and the fear he won't forgive you.
God loves you, and I love you

You're out with your friends and you're shooting ****** and taking crystal ****. You hate your father, and you're suicidal.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're a gifted poet who's struggled with ****** addiction to the point you have a church fan handy at all times.
And you've lost that one dear person.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're a woman still in love with a man who hurt you so badly from across the country, you've never even met.
And you struggle through your depression everyday.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're a poet who struggles with the demons in your head and the illness in your mind. Broken by the loss of friends and the hurt in your heart.
Cutie, God loves you, and I love you

Or you're a woman still in love with a lost person, and the only way you can still have hope is to write poems on here.
God loves you, and I love you

Maybe you're the overweight, socially awkward girl that your father is disappointed in. And you've been hurt by every boyfriend you've ever had and now you don't trust or get too close.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're trying day by day not to cut and scar yourself.
Remembering the promise that you made and hating that you made it.
God loves you, and I love you

You're the girl with that huge list of problems.
You have that terrible foster family, and you've spent 15 months in therapy.
God loves you, and I love you.

Or you're this amazingly bubbly teen
That really, I've never seen you sad
And you want to see the world
God love you, and I love you.

Or you're the girl with no arms.
Who doesn't know what it's like to hold a hand.
Or pet an animal. Or know your mother.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're the man who fought in the opening moves of Iraq.
You faced the horrors of war. And you lost your wife in '07.
God loves you, and I love you

You're the *** addict all alone.
Your boyfriend never really cared for you.
You're tired of fighting life, and you hope the cancer takes you out.
God loves you, and I love you.

And maybe you're the unknown person.
Forgotten by everyone.
You're a nobody. You're alone.
And you find this:
God loves you, and I love you.

Zephaniah 3:17New International Version (NIV)

17 The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”

I think its time to have a talk,
A walk over the rubble of once tall walls,
That held a heart so heartless captive,
Lost in halls of raw cobbled things,
That were never really feelings, just things,

Things I need to say, to go over,
All in the name of bless-ed closure,
So sorry that I drove her so far away,
These bereft words, scribbled on a digital page,

Will never convey the dismay of this shipwrecked man,
Who crafted an island by his own hands,
Where he made himself ******,
Where he made his last stand,

But no ending ever came,
Just waves upon waves,
Of drowned dreams and half dead sorrows,
Awaiting death on every tomorrow,
Death that never came,

From darkness to darkness
  My mind laments
    A deep stirring
  Within the fragile
Substance that I now am

Midnight air is what I dream
  Midnight colors fill
    My thoughts
  Provoke a dull flash
As I pass into a deep sleep

I think I'm ready to surrender,
to raise my white banner,
done with pushing you away,
open up to you once more.

You already know my wounds,
the deep scars I carry,
I'll let you touch them tenderly,
I won't lock you out.

See, I only felt love; I forgot to show,
Love is also an action, sacrifice,
I let go of you and held onto myself,
But I miss you and long for you.

I don't care how ugly you say you are,
you're ******* beautiful in my eyes,
and if you're messed up, so am I,
I'm with you always.

**~Your best friend

Watching weary travelers on the beaten path,
Dirt kicked up with every step and dissipates,
Just like the weary travelers with their beaten lives.

Open the cuts on my soul again//
to make sure the pain hurts the way I remember it//
Darling it's all I have left//
You a̶r̶e̶  were my addiction//

I tried to erase y̶o̶u̶  it but I just//
scratched the vinyl & carved your name on the walls//
so I'd never forget but//
always need//

Roses, sweet and beautiful
Tight dresses, **** and attractive
Blood, darkly enchanting
Sunsets and sunrises, glorious
Lobsters, steamed and buttered
Feathers of a cardinal, bright
Ladybugs, cute and adorable
Mars, mysterious and desolate
Wine, fragrant and romantic
Gingers, the hottest hair color

When I feed my lust
When I lie through my teeth
When I condemn and judge
When I lose my way
When I make myself appear good
When I am only bad...

It's not the angels
It's not the priests
It's not the prophets
It's not the apostles
It's not the saints
It's not the churches...

It's God Himself who weeps
His tears that collect
At the foot of His Throne.
Unending love like that
It's my Abba, that I forgot and left.

An empty room
   Sand and dust strewn
Sinister malicious feeling
   Baby doll head in the corner
Doorknob turning with no pause
   And a breath across my neck

The depths of your heart,
  Which I have so valiantly besieged.
Holds such beauty without limit,
  Overwhelming love overflowing.

Could your heart be mine?
  I would give you my life, gladly.

The pain behind the eyes,
The hurt within the body,
The tears lost in the head,
The echoes whispers in the ear.

To see her doubled over in anguish,
To see him lose to his demons again,
To hope she'll one day be free,
To hope he'll win his next fight.

It's easy for people to hide their darkness,
Harder to be exposed to light,
It's hard to deal with depressed people like us,
Harder still to forgive ourselves.

Sometimes we hide in plain sight,
Sometimes we're the closest people to you,
Sometimes we are the "happiest" people,
Sometimes we're tomorrow's obituary.

So my plea to you is don't ever let us go,
So my plea to you is ask if we're really alright,
So my plea to you is don't execute the wounded,
So my plea to you is please don't let us leave us alone.

Love
What to say?
I painted my life
with love entirely
so I burn in flames
I die to everyone
give everyone
and I die
in love

Simple...
Like putting one foot in front of the other;
When you've lost both your legs.

Simple...
Like inhaling and exhaling air;
When your lungs have collapsed.

Simple...
Like falling asleep and dreaming sweet dreams;
When you're terrified of sleep because of the nightmares.

Simple...
Like drinking a glass of water, or eating a meal;
When you're in a desert place, vultures overhead.

Simple...
Like being warmly embraced by your loving mother;
When your mother is a skeleton in the ground, bottle still in her boney hand.

Simple...
Like riding a bicycle after years of walking;
When a tire is flat and the brakes are cut.

Simple...
Like standing on a mountain and breathing the freshness;
When the avalanche comes and wipes you out.

Simple...
Like falling in love and living happily ever after;
When she doesn't love you one ounce...

Simple...
Like repeating yourself in so many different ways;
When your repetitive mind drives you over the edge.

Yeah, life is real simple sometimes.

Last night I had a dream,
A dream about you and I.
In that dream you loved me,
The way love was meant to be.
I wish we could have worked it out,
Because I love you more than my life.
Maybe one day you will change your heart,
And run straight into my open arms.

I still think of you,
And wish that you were here.
I broke my heart in two,
And gave you the bigger piece.
Then you were gone,
And I had to learn,
How to live my life,
With only half of my heart.

“For Ragamuffins, God's name is Mercy. We see our darkness as a prized possession because it drives us into the heart of God. Without mercy our darkness would plunge us into despair - for some, self-destruction. Time alone with God reveals the unfathomable depths of the poverty of the spirit. We are so poor that even our poverty is not our own: It belongs to the mysterium tremendum of a loving God.”
― Brennan Manning

I want to run;
Run away,
Far away,
To distant places.

Planets in space,
Worlds away,
World's apart,
To start anew.

Refreshing change,
From the mundane,
And the monotonous,
Worthy of champagne.

Mountains tall and wide,
Little hills their children.
Deserts of vast expanse,
Oceans surrounding sand.

Fields of green and corn,
Rocky oasis, huge waterfall.
Somewhere to go,
Anywhere but here.

friends that i've lost
i remember you in my heart
your graves stand tall and polished

promises
   that you wouldn't leave
promises
   that what we had meant something

i hate every time you go
without even a goodbye
it hurts more and more inside

promises
   don't mean much anymore
promises
   are an untold lie

someone take this damaged soul
i have no need for it anymore
just let me die under this moon

Broken moments like this,
Destined to be lost in time,
Fading like grains of sand,
Funneled into deep chasms.

Standing on a jagged cliff's edge upon tempestuous winds,
Arms outstretched to each side as I gaze down below and
I see beyond the sedimentary rocks stacked below by the tides.
I see life being revealed like a scroll unrolling through time.
I see a baby birthed by my wife, a healthy son with her eyes.
I see so many smiles to contrast the salty tears streaming my cheeks.
Arms come down to my sides and the wind ceases it's howling.
Sun ascends and the dark clouds set off to come again another day.
I have lived.

Broken moments like this,
Destined to be remembered,
Stay like an over-winter bird,
Kept as fine polished treasures.