Drab;
  Dreary;
    Bleak;
A grey mood.

why can't I remember my dream last night?

The sun shines;
  I focus on the clouds.

there was a skull involved

Laughter down the street;
  I stay straight-faced with thin lips.

why was I desperate to survive?

An aroma of coffee fills the air;
  I type at my work,
    I try to forget it;
It bothers me...

*what was my dream last night?

I still hold
     untold scars
but
     I still smile
when I see your face

An expressionless despair
Pure agony without care
Wanting to break free
Of this wretched nightmare

Finding out I'm losing heart
All from playing the part
I've lost my head start
And I'm all out of restarts

Dueling this darkness within
A war rages under my skin
Under the dominance of my sin
This road I take will finally end.

I've made my peace, it's time to go
No time left to say hello.
I'll miss you for sure, though
We have played one helluva show.

I'm so sorry I lost you
  I never meant to lose you
   I love you beyond measure
    Why haven't you come back?
I saw you from afar
  I didn't know if I should say
   Hello.... hello...
I'm so sorry...
please come back

Why is it a constant thing
When something works fine
It gets changed?

Somewhere between life and death
I took a fifty cal bullet straight in the chest

It hurt at first, then all became numb
My insides burst out, I could only succumb

To the dancing darkness closing my eyes
To the opening light piercing the sky.

A strong crushing feeling on the edge of existence
  Investigating a never-ending black tunnel
A crypt of hopeless souls forever seeking shelter
  Without a lamp to guide their fruitlessness
I see the ghastly faces set upon every person still
  Cold, pale and downtrodden with weight
Devoid of any glow to indicate they are alive
  They are obscure and discarded remains
Theirs is a cell of forgetfulness and tragic pain
  Forever feeling along the walls of torment

So you've been dead a whole year now, mutt.
Not a day goes by I miss your adorable face.
But oh boy you had **** breath! Disgusting!
You were a great dog, even though you were a coward.
Oh, you had the snobbiest personality I've ever seen in a dog.

You had those terrible seizures two years ago that left you deaf... seven seizures in two hours. One of the scariest nights of my life.
But it's okay, the vet hooked you up on drugs. Phenobarbital!
Yeah, you got addicted real fast to that! Haha! It was so sad, but my twisted sense of humor saw the funny side of it. Every day at 11am and 11pm you would whine for your pill. Drove me nuts. But I still loved you...
And I miss you, bud.

Yeah maybe this isn't a poem
But it's only if you don't know 'em
Poetry is cracking your heart to bleed
Down onto the pages for somebody to read
So gather around and listen to my confession
The past few months of my hurt and depression

Back in late June, found a lovely girl
Had such beauty within, a heart of pearl
We were such close friends, then became more
Didn't mean for that to happen, we just locked the bedroom door
But she fell for me, the closeness turned to love
I couldn't fall for her, she wasn't who my heart spoke of

Fell out with her mid-July
Same month my life died
Father was paying for services
Girls younger than me, the worst of it
Mama was shattered to the core
Heart set to **** some ******

He tried blowing his head off with a shotgun
She slapped the hell out of him for five hours
They were both led away in handcuffs that night
Domestic violence and resisting arrest
But no evidence that they killed me that night
Three weeks later I left without looking back

But the tragedy of my family led to some light
Got to know a Queen who made things feel right
She's got a home deep in my heart
I pray our lives will never part
We made a few mistakes, yeah it's true
But it was worth it, through it we grew

She made me realize love isn't a guarantee
So I went to the one who had my heart
Five years I've waited, she's the one I swear
Had a deep heart to heart talk, she killed my love
Said she couldn't ever be with me, too afraid to lose me
And just like that night my parents... she killed her best friend

Now it's present day, here and now before Thanksgiving
Reunited with a friend I love more than family
I wake up today to find that lovely girl with a heart of pearl
Took her own life at the end of August, I never noticed
I cry and realize, it's just the cruelty life shows us
It was my fault, I was all she had. Today I died again.

Two wrongs don't make a right
Two deaths don't make a life
Two lefts don't make a right
Two people don't make a friend
Two loves don't make a happily ever after

You told me,
You loved me.
Finally.
You said you loved me,
That I was all you ever wanted.
And my heart soared ten thousand fathoms high.

But I woke up,
And panicked.
It was just a dream.

Pump the trumpet
Wait that's a trombone
Put it to a phone
Call up my clone
I want him to groan
But wait! There's more!
Time to settle the score
Before I become a bore
And you're on the floor
Declaring a war on me
When I just want to be free
And be happily glee
Like a flea on a dog
Dog?
Hot dog!
I'm going to eat a hot dog
In the middle of this city's smog
Maybe share it with a frog
On second thought I'll just hog
Like cog in the machine
God save the Queen

Trickling streams released from ice
The return of feathered friends above
Blossoms of plum and cherry sprouting
Rays of sun captured in morning fog

Where does this infant season take you?
To pastures of wild flowers as far as you see?
Along creeks buzzing with young flies and bees?
This infant season is my favorite time to live

Take these weary bones and let them
Soak in the season's infant rainfall
Now is the time for rebirth and
Revitalization of the heart

This is the truth I forgot
And the lie that I bought
Exchanging my life for a broken path
And getting hurt in the aftermath
Leads me down a road of wrath.

I'm better than this, for sure
Even I'm a little bit impure
Hoping to be secured
Knowing I'm ensured
Of a life eternal
Worth a million broken hearts.

The hot bath water helps me not tonight
This feeling of uncertainty fogs my mind
Like the steam rising up fogs the mirror
Lots of thoughts racing through my head

Hoping we don't just turn to memories
Perhaps it just went too fast
Hoping we are going to last
Perhaps we're really in jeopardy

The flower of love I will let go//
to unfold in the wind//
to blossom elsewhere//
All has been said//
None have been true//
Walls and towers built//
over a hundred wood crosses//

Flowing velvet worn to rugged//
Snatched away by life and death//
this doesn't feel like home anymore//
this isn't my home//
Desperation holds the nostrils shut//
& ***** the air out of our lungs//
We settle for none// and love even less//

Laying low, just trying not to be noticed
Feeling slow, nothing coming into focus
Just a lazy day with no desire to socialize
So I'll just lay here and try to fantasize.

blessed are the pure in heart
pure in heart
pure in heart
for they shall see god
see god
see god
and not be blinded by
sickles in eyes
harvesting what the world
longs to buy
to buy
to buy
a cost of soul
a meeting of minds
reality transcends
the emptiness within
its a story its a spin
layers of caked on sin
leprosy covered sin
cut off and not allowed
to see god
see god
see god
so i pray make me clean
been this way since fourteen
maybe longer maybe less
couldn't care less
theres sins i dont confess
i just undress and
let my nakedness be my shame
take the blame
its only a game
im only a name
my only aim
to hit the mark
have a pure heart
and finally see
god

I'm taking awkward clumsy steps
through life
with weary legs carrying me
up broken trails

I'm running from myself
can't face it
I've had a dozen "eureka" moments
but my life doesn't change

I'm the only one who can change me
that's why I stay the same
plodding through life half broken
with shards of a heart left broken

Probably just out of focus
with too much I
but I'm not changing
is it my destiny to *fail?

Sign your name on my heart
With a sharp knife, please
So you can scar yourself
Forever into my heart

A fiddle playing maid wearing a clown outfit
Challenged me to a game of black jack
Where the stakes were steaks
A t-bone I did desire
But the iced tea was spilled
How rude!
So I left the maid for a bell
Trying to get my wonderful meat
But I ended up with bacon
Given from the devil himself

Maybe I'll get better
Maybe I won't
Maybe I'll take a chance
Maybe I'm too scared
Maybe I'll move on
Maybe I'm forever stuck
Maybe I'll change
Maybe I'm the same
Maybe there's too much I
Maybe it's not all about me
Maybe I should open my eyes
Maybe stitch up my heart
Certainly there's people hurting
Maybe I should help

Blocks settle inside my mind//
Bookends to the pages of us//
Pressed together but fallen apart//
Every poem a story, a seance to your ghost//
You're not dead but I am to you//
I'm on the other side tapping the glass//
Hopeful that someday a whisper of me//
Might graze across the valleys of your brain//
The memories would be kind, not of pain//
But that's just a fantasy//
And our love was just fiction//
It became stillborn in reality//

All signs point to depression, and side effects of depression may include talking to those skeletons in your closet at 4am when you dream about her. Again.

Talking to ghosts isn't scary or bad, mostly it's just sad, because she's still alive and you act like she's dead. She's not dead. she's just not in your life anymore.

It's been two and a half years since we last talked, and I'm sure I can reach out or find a friend of a friend who maybe knows where you are.

But I won't.

Because the same reasons that drove you away, drive me to stay where I have been for the last three years.

I have grown up, but I have not moved on, I'm just loftier and believe that I can die happy because maybe I changed a half-dozen lives for the better. But I can't prove that.

I'm not suicidal, but I still keep that shotgun barrel at the back of my mouth just to keep myself hostage to the past. To the memories.

So I stay away.

Because I'm stuck.

My mind likes to divide instead of multiply, then compartmentalize all the things I want to say. But Rationalization clears it's throat and speaks in a somber way.

"You died that day you threw your love away. Your words do not matter, anymore."

I check the time; it's 4am. Here we go again.

Do you hear this heart thumping? Sounds normal, doesn't it?
Sounds like a healthy and steady heart. But there's death in it.
Sometimes too much blood pumps in it. It regurgitates back into itself, fills it with too much blood and it stresses to pump it all out in time. So if you're lucky, you might hear it do a big thump followed by rapid thumps. Then back to normal.
Normal... I thought it was normal until recently. Now I know it could be fatal and there's nothing I can do about it. It could enlarge my heart over time, or it could pop like a balloon. Or I can live to be a hundred; it's in God's hands.
It never hurts, but it does feel weird. Like one of those rubber toys filled with water, and you squeeze one end of it. Feels like that for only a second.
I'm okay with the possibility of dying. Just know if I do, I loved you all as much as I could. Don't cry for me.

There's a noose around my guts
A lump in my throat
  & a feeling that I can't win
A staredown with Death
  & for once I have the upper hand
My soul runs faster than I can see
  & fear doesn't meet me here
What is this place?
  & why was I brought here?
What is this victory?
  & why is it mine?
If this is only a scent
I want to taste it full

stars are born when old wishes die
ignited in the sky
by unbelieving eyes
up above the world so high
down below we weep and cry
faith turned hollow and bone-dry
closed up lips only deny
a prayer a plea before i die
wont these old wishes
wish me goodbye

Once upon a time...

Seconds turn to minutes,
As we meet for the first time,
A gift from above, so divine.

Minutes turn to hours,
And it feels like an eternity,
An eternity I've known you.

Hours turn to days,
The zeal, the vitality,
Starts fading like snow.

Days turn to weeks,
I wonder if I should say hi,
Wonder if I should give up.

Weeks turn to months,
And the grave is being dug,
The bridge starts to burn.

Months turn to years,
And it's become too late,
All is lost, all is a stale grey.

Years turn to today,
Today I thought of you,
And I regret that we lost touch.

The End...