Flabbergasted and betwixt,
At the fairy's cascading figure,
Fixed between the man's fingers,
Like a burning cigar,
In western sunshine,
Falling like toppled coloration,
Of lumberjack flapjack,
Hit the road Jack,
And Jill,
To copper,
Whatever they want,
Without a fuss.

I have a thousand and one
                       questions
yet my words break
              before they speak
they shatter
    but I am never made whole
even when I lay these
     words on the paper canvas
drawing
  captivating with a broken
                              heart

everything feels like its
       a fractal
invisible to the naked eye
               but still existing
       like heat from the sun
wind sailing through the air
it is a broken thing inside me
         this heart
this soul has seen too much
    but the show
                       must go on

Stop falling
you've been here before
you know it's not worth it
Do you never learn?

I now understand the sadness in me
is caused not by loneliness, but aloneness.
Because I am not alone, except in my bed
and I am never lonely when I am alone.

It is something deeper and
more meaningful than that.
It's the lack of you in my heart,
or rather the lack of me in your heart.

Seems it's just not felt by you,
or maybe it's just ignored;
It isn't ignored by me, though,
because I can't ignore my soul.

This soul that is cleaved in two,
As long as I am without you.
To be happy is what I wish,
But this soul is amputated.

Sadly, there is no prosthetic
for an amputated soul...

Always a ray of sunshine to people
Loving to your heart's maximum capacity
Interesting and creative poems
Amazing inspiration for living life

Alia, you're bubbly as champagne
Like you've never let anything get you down
In all honesty, you're the cheeriest person ever
And you make everyone's day so much better

I love your amazing eyes
They look otherworldly
Like there's a galaxy within
Spiraling with your gaze

If infinity paid me infinite money
It would be far too cheap a price
To trade for a little, tiny, weency
"I love you" from you

There is no continent on this earth
That will prevent me from running
Through the deepest ocean's deep
To your arms that my heart keep

If I were all alone forever more
I'd go to an insane asylum
Just to remember you
Because you are my heart.

P.S. I like your ****.

With such a finite amount of time to live
It would be foolish and worthless
To waste words on hate, anger, banter, lies, and flattery.
Be honest, kind, loving, speak your heart, and use wisdom.
It's real people that get hurt.

flickering, a spark, and smoke in my nose
lighter on and off, thoughts oppose
leaning
then flailing
then realizing
ive been standing
maybe not strongly
but still standing
and the steps keep growing
lighter on
lighter off
and my face still glows

I'm losing my focus
so hard to concentrate
my mind is bouncing
like a rubber ball on
glass walls

Everything is weighing on me
like the fact it's been nearly
120 days since I last spoke
to the woman I love without
reservation

Or that I'm struggling
with my close friend
trying to mend the bridge
of the relationship is hard
when she never replies

Or the fact that my addiction
is spiraling out of control
burning me alive and yet
I can't bear to sleep with
a woman since my last

I'm losing sleep even faster
than the US debt is growing
no matter how exhausted i am
I wake up feeling drained
mostly dead

The worst thing about this is
I can't even commit suicide
because I'd rather ****** me
a little each day with the pain
because I hate myself

My head knows all the reasons not
But my heart is a knot
Longing for you
To hear your voice
To hear you say you're okay
I miss you, old friend
One of these days I'll be brave
But tonight is not that night
I'll slink into the shadows
Drown in the shallows
And mourn the fact
I still miss you

I rage against the waves of anger,
Slashing away at the waterline,
With a sword of cork and wood.

Relentless is my fury against,
This opposition vast and immortal.


I spend every millisecond of my frail life,
Swinging and swiping, fighting imaginary ghosts.
My haggard arms wash away in the receding tides,
And my starved body collapses and goes underneath.
My gaunt figure goes lifeless, filling with the departing waters.

I died thinking I had won.

There was never a Valentine's Day
I have hated more than this one.
Because I think of you, my friend
You're not here to share with me.

I had dreams of us riding into the sunset,
Until you disappeared, went dark on me...

Why is it I see nothing but my death in front of me?
I promise you it's not dying that scares me so much.
What scares me is that I could die completely alone.

*That really ******* scares me...

Scars trail into the abyss
as the world becomes undone//

Wanton slaughter and rampant
rage echo through the halls//

I am sorry for all I have done//

And all I have failed to do...

I wish you were still here,
but I'm kinda glad you're not,
you'd see the miserable excuse,
of a man I have become.

I love you so much,
I wish our hands were,
intertwined tightly,
your head on my chest.

I miss you, y'know?
You had all of my heart,
all of me, period you had,
it hurt like hell when you left.

You probably had to leave,
couldn't keep me in your life,
with all the family drama,
but I understand.

If you could have kept me you,
would have kept me,
but it doesn't stop the pain
of you not being here with me.

I miss you, y'know?
I love you.

I see all these blank pages of my future and I tear them to shreds//
I only want to live in the pages of my past//
I only wanted it to last//
For her to last//
I don't wish it was different just that I had done things differently//
Maybe it'd end the same, but not knowing hurts//
Not trying hurts//
Somewhere I stopped trying to grow and only tried to control//
I was just a boy in a man's frame//
Yet I knew how to love her//
I still love her//
But she's gone like the ashes of a wildfire//
Alone I still sing of her//
Empty, echoing, loneliness//
It is my new peace//

i finally found you
                                 and you're happy with him

"All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J. R. R. Tolkien

Every single tear of blood
        Cupped in Your scarred hands

Though words fail to be found there is a fire burning between my ribs. Fed up and tired of the way my life is coming undone, I rage and depress at the same time. I'm sick of friends who will claim to be there for me then turn around and blame me for being the way that I am. I don't need anyone's judgement because believe me, I give myself more than enough. I'm sick of the way everyone I fall in love with already has another man in their life which results in either me being a homewrecker (because nothing stays in the dark forever) or another burnt ******* bridge I light up. How many women have said  I deserve to be loved by someone special then they disappear on me? Five? Ten? Twenty? **** it. How about the practical joke that is my faith? I claim Jesus as my savoir and still I live in the darkness, refusing to step into the light because I'm scared shitless of being exposed. Yeah, I follow God while having X amount of affairs, a total *** addict. I post this rant and rave because I simply cannot control my emotions anymore. I don't trust myself. I don't trust anyone. I just want to die alone and be alone. I don't know what I am doing. I just want to let it out.

When the waves no longer crashed against the beach
The sand was sad and missed the sea
& from the dry desert an oasis was born
Born from tears the sand had wept
The oasis gave life to the travellers thirsty and alone
Even to the animals and carnivores
Yet none could ever stay for it was not their home
Alone the oasis gave itself to the sky
To be a cloud that travels far and wide
To seek the sea he utterly missed
Leaving rain and blooming flowers in his path
A river, an ocean, but he could not find her
So he looked behind at all he created
All those he saved
He asked himself "What is it worth if I haven't her?"
& in a moment he was gone
The cloud gave himself to the scorching sun
All that remained was a rainbow
Beautiful image of passing on

I need to accept that you're gone,
not coming back into my life;
to accept the reality that
you were another casualty
I couldn't prevent
couldn't stop...

I can't stop counting the days,
not the weeks or months, but days
that have passed without so much
as a whisper from your heart;
I can't stop breathing your aroma,
the memories that stab my dreams...

I hope & pray you are happy
found somebody who loves you
a fraction as much as I did;
I hope your family is okay
that there was forgiveness &
mending in the days since...
I hope you're okay

I love you always...

I hold the last picture of you in my hand,
gently caressing my thumb across your face as if the glossy texture would give some extra warmth on this freezing night.

Your beauty is tantalizingly flawless; not just of your physical exterior, but also of your warming character that beholds exquisite charm.

I fell for you that one day at the fairgrounds where I failed to claim that fuzzy pink penguin for you. Somewhere between the cotton candy stand and the mirror house I got lost in the tranquility in your eyes
&
In a moment time itself stopped to witness the miracle of two racing hearts standing like statues for an eternity before I moved my lips to yours and we finally, for the first time, kissed.

The world began to move again, not that we cared or noticed, simply grinning as we held each others faces, locked in embrace...

That was the only time we had ever kissed and I know why.
But the arching of this dream across the years hasn't spent me yet; your reflection is etched into my heart deeper than any scar could ever hope to reach.

I'm sitting here trying to write how I feel and yet I cannot find the words or letters that speak in the right order,

I talked with a friend who said that I was growing, but I had to be honest and tell him that what I was feeling was not growth, but a rearrangement of myself; so the holes don't show what I have lost...

We don't grow; we just change and get smaller,

Or maybe that's just me,

I feel like I've become so small that I cannot even lift the blankets off of me when I wake up;

I was wild with love in my youth, but as I age and my body rejects me like my mind rejected my heart, I have to confess; I didn't have a clue how to love someone, and I still don't;

I do know I'm scared of it, though,

Scared of love,

Because I gave those parts of me away for a reason, the ones I so desperately rearrange to keep hidden;

And if someone else tried to fill those hollow parts of my heart, I know,

They would never really feel at home.

Oh Lord, I am a broken man

I've got a thousand things to tell you
& a thousand reasons not to say them

They shall stay locked within my heart
& never see the light of the day, my dear

Oh Lord, I am a broken man

A Christian should not struggle with suicide
& wake up wondering if today's the day I die

But these demons claw at my head
& they are relentless in their attack

Oh Lord, I am a broken man

The sins of the flesh and of the eyes
& sins of the life I've locked inside

Yeah I have a thousand things to tell you
& I have a thousand reasons not to say them

Oh Lord, I am a broken man

Bless the Man crucified
Bless the slain Lamb
Bless He who bled
Bless God in flesh
Bless the Savior
Bless Jesus
He Lives