hot throat
thick breaths
words choked on and lost to coughs

eyes watery
runny nose
nowhere is safe, not even at home

l.r.

the sounds of waves echo off of
bleached beaches
the iridescent moon is my only guide
as i try to
blink the fog away

" i have never felt like this "

maybe if i close my eyes it
will all go away
maybe if i fall asleep
everything will be okay

l.r.

We were teenagers
Sun kissed
Surrounding a bonfire
That burned the marshmallows

We roasted working all day
Sinning all night
With a blazing connection
That made me wonder
What you were waiting for

I was falling harder for you
As the leaves turned orange and red
With the fading warmth
Your feelings faded too

I thought there was still hope
As winter approached
But you got just as cold
As the weather

It was me, you and
Her
And what was meant to be
But you chose her
Leaving me to freeze alone

In the dark with my thoughts-
the what ifs
I told myself I was over you
I kept a distance too

But then the flowers returned
And so did you
Springing memories and empty promises
Like whispers in the breeze

The subtle sun rays
Rolled in
Just like the charm
Behind your smile

And it was summer again
We were still teenagers
Making the same
Innocent mistakes

The seasons continued to change
You changed seasonally too
But no matter the damage it sprung in my heart
I'd always fall back to you

A letter came in the mail
For you today
Don't they know
It's been nearly four years

I remembered the way you'd throw out
The junk mail
And I tried to hold
Back the tears

They say time heals all
But I'm still waiting
For the day when I pass your old house
And don't get the chills

Or when I can finally smile
Or maybe even laugh
At the fact that we still get
Your bills

For now it's still hard not to feel
The guilt for having fun without you here
At family dinners with an empty seat
I always feel such shame

With each holiday
Your seat gets lonelier
And it gets harder for me to breathe
When I hear your name

They don't understand why
I still get chocked up
While thinking of you
Because three full years have gone past

Sometimes I forget
They only expect you to be sad
For as long as the flowers
Last

I love you, he said
As the hanging wall pictures tumbled down
Knocking me in the head
Piece by piece

I devoured each lie
And asked for more
Craving the attention
That was his love

I'd walk home in the dark
As delicately as a bruise
Blooming from the imprints of
His cool hands

He'd hit me up for a plan
The next day
Throwing a private party
Where no one could hear

My silent screams
Sometimes I couldn't even hear
Them over the slamming
Of doors

He'd play and twist me
Like his little doll
But it was our
Special game

His scent
Like pepper spray
Burned my nose
So I inhaled deeper

He'd set fire to the house
Or maybe just to my heart
Clawed at my thighs
Got drunk off my blood

And that's how our love worked
He'd break my bones
And I'd insist it was
My fault

But then I met you
And found that love isn't measured
By the number of bruises
Down my spine
Or even by the scars
He'd give me on my wrists

With you
I'd never even think
To apologize for being me
When that's all he'd ever hear

So no he didn't really love me
And that realization
Hit me harder
Than he ever could

You
The whitest of white
Me
The darkest of black

My mind painted you gray
Just to ruin perfection

I wondered how we fell in love
You'd say opposites attract
You being my inhale
Me being your exhale

But for you
Falling in love
Was just as easy
As falling out of love

The missed calls and ignored voicemails
Ached in my heart

So I would check
And check
For a message
That never arrived

But getting no message
Was also a message

No longer did
I believe that opposites attract

You made the jokes
I was the punchline

Maybe I still regret the pain
For all the tears you didn't see me cry
And all the cold nights
That ended in sweat

Thinking you were the spark of life
In my world of death
Or maybe the spark of death
In my life

The words I never got to say
Still sit in the back of my throat
Aching, burning
Like stale *****

I haven't purged in years
It crosses my mind
Each day
You're not here

Sometimes
I'd wish the memories could disappear
Almost as quickly as you did

Other times
I dream of us
Or what was us

Then I wake up
Mascara running down my face
Think of how you'd say opposites attract

And remember you
left
So I
write

I watched you walk away
From me, with all your lies
You didn't even look back once
So I knew this was the last of our goodbyes

You used to call me your princess
Said we were living in a dream
Where one day we would find our castle
But I guess reality wasn't as good as you made us seem

In our story there's no glass slipper
It's just as poisonous as an apple
To think of what we could have been
Had we made it to the chapel

I thought our love was a fairytale
But in the fairytales the prince stays
To live happily ever after
For the rest of the days

I could build a house of straw or sticks
Or build one of bricks in red
That wouldn't protect me from realizing you were just as bad
As the wolf hiding in grandma's bed

For this pain there's no magic kiss or spell
And it cannot be cured by laughter
No one will save me with a magic flying carpet
This is our unhappily ever after

"God is my strength"
were the first words spoken
when we saw your small body
lying still, broken.

"God is my strength"
was braided in the prayer
that your Nana spoke over you,
even though you weren't there.

"God is my strength"
was my loudest heart cry
when the doctor came in
and didn't speak, but sighed.

"God is my strength"
said Jon's hand on my hair
"God is our strength"
his eyes spoke through the air.

"God is my strength"
our eyes locked in to say
while we slept and we cried
countless hours away.

"God is my strength"
as the pain grew stronger,
"God is my strength"
as the night grew longer.

"God is my strength"
as I wept through my prayers
"God is my strength"
although this feels unfair.

"God is my strength"
in the silence that followed
"God is my strength"
my womb and arms, hollow.

"God is my strength"
when the nurse held you first.
"God is my strength"
when the silence was burst.

"God is my strength"
I've never seen this before.
"God is my strength"
I can't take anymore.

"God is my strength"
tiny son in my hands
"God is my strength"
For I know the plans...

"God is my strength"
that day and still.
He holds my baby
as part of His Will.

"God is my strength"
and I know it's best
for Gabriel to be there
where he is best blessed.