know the difference between wanting and needing
you want him to want you back
you beg for him
and search for ways to impress
but he does not budge

you want attention

need for love and a sense of security
in need of comfort from love itself
a place of stability
trust

you need to not be afraid

accept the knowledge between both

i forgot how to feel
my body is cold
my heart is of steel
as i remember love is unreal

a memory
a dream
a distant thought of you and me

drowning in my sorrows
im a lost soul searching for tomorrow

I've become numb
left defeated
damaged
a crumb at the end of your mind

love left me blind
and than it intertwined
with my heart deeply fried
into charcoal bits
left to wither into the dust
blended together

im anything but numb

driving on home
windmills danced with the whispers of the wind
corn fields repeatedly mesmerize my mind
as i looked out the window
trying to forget

chilling music crept along the wave of the scene
my heart races with the beat
of the drums echoing in my ears

promises ahead
the long road awaits
the future never ends
curves along the bridge
silence is now my friend

traveling to tomorrow’s reality and today’s fantasy

lately, ive been working on a deeper meaning
of my writing or maybe my life
actually, who am i to decide
because both of these subjects seem to intertwine
into one,
one that is me
evidently,
im trying to hard to force things

go with flow
go with what i know
what ive always been told
to do the right thing
follow the path of certainty

aesthetically pleasing
is what you are to me
shut my eyes for just a minute,
you are so dreamy
in my mind you tease
my very inner feelings
of wanting forever more

energetically,
my body rushes with dose of morphine
that you've put into my brain
making my heart insane
so i don't feel pain

hypnotically,
you've got me under a spell
your the hunter and im trapped like a gazelle
living in color while the world is full of pastel
im in love on this never ending carousel.

you are the one bright light at the end of the road
i travel towards it ,
giving me hope
yet i never seem to reach it,
no matter how far i traveled
this distance between us
is everlasting

leave me to rot in this grave that              reeks of depression
            grasping for a fresh breath
                  dirt filled nails on my worn out fingers
                                        left with a weary spirit
                                                          ­ I've lost the will to exist

perhaps this is the end of the end.

a night out
good company
high vibes
drunken thoughts
snazzy jams
living my best life

day dreaming
transformed into another world
my heads in the clouds
while I've landed in space
drifting away
thoughts form the images in my mind
vividly living in this wonder land

within a blink of an eye
im snapped back to reality
deep breaths
back into hiding
sitting in a corner
locking myself in a room
hoping no one finds me

if I could close my eyes once more..

roses are not red and violets are not blue
just unlucky to how I met you
a day of love and despair
a day of annoyance and how love isn't fair
hurtful words written in my mind
because I couldn't bring myself to buy a card I liked
overpriced chocolate and overpriced dates
expecting so much for just one day
disappointment at the end, that isn't me

let me tell you a joke..

about my words,
about self worth
loving yourself , enjoying the perks
of being happy
its been brought up a lot in hopes of
speaking things into existence
so a million and plus times a day
'realize your self worth' is what I say
and I say it so bravely, confidently,
inspiring not only me but others as well.

and there comes a time I can no longer bear the words that I have uttered..
actions are to follow words yet I make no sudden movements
frozen in time itself, or realizing that although I speak of such things I cannot bring myself to comply.
no matter how much I try.

actions > words
words < actions

hypocritically funny.

yellow
like the sun
yellow
like the blooming sunflowers in the garden
yellow
like a zest of lemon with a fresh cup of iced tea

you are yellow
a radiance of warmth energy
you are yellow
growing from the bottom up
you are yellow
leaving people with a fine taste in their mouth as they speak your name

spin me
like a record
playing me
until you get bored
the needle like words tear into my skin
such a plastic feel
the waves of my voice
drowned by your touch
at the end of the song
I've run out of luck
waiting to get played
once more..

should have been an astronaut
get in a rocket and just take off
this is not my world

im an outsider
searching for my universe
my place is not on earth

cant compare to humans well
though I try
to relate
I just die a little on the inside
----------------------

space
the planets and views behind
catches me by surprise
glimpse of my eye
a piece of my life
flashes before me...


to be continued

chances
plans
aspirations
all leading to one goal

happiness
over a wingspan
finding a foundation over different situations

this is the future.

it was time to go. and head on home. just about evening the sun beginning to set and so we set ourselves on the road. the journey had begun. bumping to some music on the radio laughing while we sung our heads off. we felt at peace together. the weather seemed to shift as rain clouds began to head on over us. and so once sunny and dry became cloudy and wet. the rain came down slowly. drops per five seconds and suddenly escalated as it pitter pattered on the windshield. as the wipers tried to fight them off but the rain came down so hard we felt blind. a rush to be driving down the freeway not being able to see oncoming traffic but alas the rain yielded to a stop and the sun came back out. and so we still drove onward thinking that the rain had passed and i felt back at ease into my seat. ungripping the handrail and taking a sip of my drink. conversations continued and yet faintly you did not answer me. and so i was confused as you looked out the window wondering why you were ignoring me. and a few seconds passed that seemed like a lifetime and yet still no answer. and you began to shake. your arms flung towards me your feet pushed up harder against the pedal and we veered down the road at higher speeds. realizing you had no control over your body i began to think on my feet and so intuition and adrenaline took over my body as i grabbed the steering wheel you so vicariously pushed me out of. steering us into the field soon after i turned off the car trying to keep us from bumping into any traffic. because of the rain of course the field was muddy and so the tires became slippery and veered out of control. in front a large tree and you pushed me even more out of the way to where i was losing control. so with all my strength i pushed back and steered to the left only to hit the branch of the tree by an inch. but that inch spun us out of control into circles until we finally became a complete stop. i paused to catch my breath and realize my surroundings. the drink splashed over my pants. your body covered in sweat. my heart pounding in and out of my chest. i opened the door as to catch some air and yet you were confused. your mind not entirely here with us i rushed to type the phone to call for help but my fingers could not move. luckily some passengers along the way had veered to the side of the road and called my attention. as they called for help i reached back out to you to see if you were okay but you were still not stable. now when help arrived i felt a little at ease. i had called our parents letting them know the event had taken place but yet we were alright. as the paramedic examined us both telling us we were lucky to have lived. for if i hadn't done what i did and we hit the tree or worse as opposed to oncoming traffic our incident could have been fatal. and as we left the scene my mind stayed in shock. perhaps for the next few months although knowing that it was over. in my mind it cycled over and over and over again. for sleep i did not in fear of having nightmares. for the rain and the roads had scared me into being secluded. and for months anxiety , depression & perhaps a case of PTSD had taken over my life. of course you had no memory of the event that had happened so you unfortunately did not suffer in the likes of me. and i look back and i wonder how this small thing this small event had been slightly life changing.

words cut deep
when they mean something
life is fun and games
till you go and get played
lately I've been getting faded
minding  my business
hop in my lane and I switch to the next
look at this player tryna finesse
but it aint me
it aint thee
**** around and get your named tattooed
on my shoulder blade
now im insane
---------------------------------------------
words cut right thru my vein
tell me lies
and don't tell me why
ima keep on trying
call me stupid
im calling cupid
for making me fall for someone
when im not lucid
---------------------------------------------------
okay
no­w I've regained
my mentality
& I know now what I need
isn't you
so im thru

----------------------------------------------------

words­ cut deep
you don't have to tell me
what I realized is that I have a disease
slowly anticipating the right way to let go

drink the pain away
whiskey puts me in a daze
perhaps this is my escape
escape from reality
lonely and afraid
one day i hope i wake
and this will all just be a dream

but i’m scared to fall asleep
scared of being weak
for me to want to wake up
my faith would have to leap

i cry when i’m around you
but you may never notice
that’s because i hide
you’d never tell i’m broken
or that i’m lonely

searching for ways to get out
running away from the dark clouds
running away from all my doubts
how can i be good enough for you
when i’m not good enough for myself

drink the pain away
it gives me a funny taste
but i drink it anyway
now i’m numb again
& with a snap my problems are gone
i’m back on top
forgot who i was

so hey
let’s grab a date
tell me all the things that we can relate
i’m out of my box , out of my cage
only for a moment
before i turn the page
and awake the next day
it was nothing but a dream

can’t tell the difference between a dream and reality

i know i push my luck
will i ever be enough?
it’s so hard to trust
i’m just tryna gain your love

baby it’s hard for me to expose myself
maybe it’s all the **** i’ve been dealt
i’m so afraid
this feeling just don’t go away

around my heart like a barricade
i know you see tham caution tape
it’s written all over my face
wanna be a hero?
let me see your cape
i’m so tired of hiding
but what are you providing?

i throw myself just to get hurt
i put in all my heart
but sometimes it’s never enough
and i get torn apart

i just want someone that i can love
but what if that’s too much to ask for?

it’s apparent that i ask too much
read up on newton’s 3rd law
but you don’t believe in such
much to my reaction
you show little to no action
& that’s a distraction
i won’t have
but i’ve had it up to here
some **** i will no longer bare
will no longer be your puppeteer

i put in all this work
twenty four / seven
just to get buried in the dirt
but if you do not appreciate my art
than you do not get my heart

i guess it was all the lies
so insert into my eyes
into my mind
what i have now visualized

to drop dead weight
that’s very outdated
to look back on how i was baited
now you’ve had a chance to see how i’ve been created

so i’ll push my luck
on to the next bet
i’m still on the search for love
but this time i won’t sweat

            love yours truly ,
                       no longer in debt

cheers, to the pain
to the boy who forgot your name
to the one who makes you crazy
to the ones getting faded

hold your head up high and your drink up higher