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Jan 2018 · 427
a pawn..
jas Jan 2018
ok get this..
you chose me as a pawn in this game
simply to be moved around
to your expense
used and abused
that's your taste
bitter isn't it?
making me the weakest piece
is just so easy
I was fooled
blinded by a fantasy
and so here I am
uttering my last few breaths
drowning myself in the suds of alcohol
the sour taste in my mouth
and the black empty space
drilled by your immaculate actions
a pawn, no more, no less
is all i'll ever be
in your game
that you only play.
day 25
Jan 2018 · 146
sometimes
jas Jan 2018
sometimes

sometimes i stay up all night crying
been waiting for you all my life
& i swear i don't even know why
i guess my love never dies
you can tell me lies
& id still be surprised
always seeing the good
that's my outlook on life

do me wrong & i do you better
hurt me more & i love you harder
can't seem to let you go
& so i let my hurt grow

time passes on
days are long
put my feelings in a song
just tryna remain calm

losing myself
can't help how i feel
must let go
& learn how to deal
but i'm so alone
aching in my bones
who do i call
when nobody answers their phone

yeah my heart aches
like an earthquake
how can u be fake
and risk what's at stake
wish you could feel my pain
wish you could take it away

so i don't wanna wait anymore
so i'm gunna walk out the door
take my heart , & let the rain pour
my love never died but my soul was sore
sometimes you just let go.
sometimes you can't hold on.


think i'm sad but i'm not
& im glad we had this talk
Jan 2018 · 277
promised land
jas Jan 2018
lately
searching for a way
working on myself
night by night, day by day

on a search to the promised land
where my dreams end and reality begins
true happiness exists
day 24of 365
Jan 2018 · 176
dreaming
jas Jan 2018
dreaming of a place
where the world doesn't hate
dreaming of a place
of no mistakes
where we all get together and just create
Jan 2018 · 300
the beach.
jas Jan 2018
I'd rather be down by the ocean with you
smoking a blunt & drinking a few
the waves so crisp, the air with such breeze
happiness exists in memories

sun kissed skin, that I love
lay with me and view the clouds from above
I'd wish for this to never end
me and you
walking across the bend
day 23 of 365
Jan 2018 · 301
oh boy
jas Jan 2018
oh boy,
you've been working hard
to get to me
oh boy, don't you know im not easy to please
oh boy, oh no.
don't even try
I've been let down way too many times.
I've lost count
oh boy, you might be the one for me
but I'll push you away
I'm not what I seem
your in love with a dream
oh boy, oh no
don't make me break your heart
day 22 of 365 / day late
Jan 2018 · 395
what do you know
jas Jan 2018
what do you know about living my life
what do you know about drowning inside
I know im dying
you don't have to tell me
im already facing reality
losing my dignity
so what do think you know

im pushing but im barely hanging on
down to my last breath
on a tightrope of my life
and you seem to want to define , mine.
like you know

but you don't know anything
do you?
Jan 2018 · 1.6k
timeless
jas Jan 2018
this one is for you, ... baby girl
---------------------
its yours
--------------------
im yours
----------------------
all of this time
getting to know you
all of this time
digging into your soul

and I swear that I found treasure
no one else could measure
up to you
**** girl, a dream come true

all my life
I've been done wrong
all of my life
its been so long
since I could find somebody to love

adore,
cherish
mesmerizing you are

all of my life
and you
are timeless.

one of life's greatest mysteries
to be stumbled upon
that's how I know in the end
this is love.
--------------------------
this one's for you girl,
all of my life
getting to know you
all of this time
----------------------
it's timeless.
day 20 of 365
inspired by "rose" on YouTube / instrumentals
Jan 2018 · 128
yesterday
jas Jan 2018
well i can’t say much
except that i miss your touch
or the feeling of being in love
over thinking of what once was

a dream
of a bizarre reality
where only i can see
what i begged meant to be

and yet life , passed me by
as i let out a silent cry
reminiscing over yesterday
oh , how the time just flies
Jan 2018 · 511
in search of..
jas Jan 2018
in love, (well sort of)
with a work of art
a masterpiece, if you will.
if I should ever come in its presence
I'd allow myself to be torn apart

to whom it may concern ;
in search of the artist
meant to be found before its tarnish
I will not rest until I meet my target
day 18 of 365
Jan 2018 · 384
sick
jas Jan 2018
drug me up
ice in my veins
chills down my spine
a twitch in my eye
like a fire
burning slow
filling my lungs with a leftover residue
towards a suffocation
of my body

I'm sick..
day 17 of 365
Jan 2018 · 248
.
jas Jan 2018
.
in
love
with the
ideas
of you
day 15 of 365
Jan 2018 · 330
bliss
jas Jan 2018
a bottle of wine
due after a long day
as I pour myself a glass,
set aside on the table
a box of matches
and a vanilla scented candle
anticipating the aroma filling up the room
a silky robe,
pressing up against my soft skin
after a warm hot bath
this is bliss
I wish it would never end
day 14 of 365
Jan 2018 · 322
insecure
jas Jan 2018
that face in the mirror simply cannot be me
for the most logical reason I can think of
for one, I do not look merely as admiring as her
nor can I compete
confidence
a thing I lack indeed

when I meet someone new
they do not jump at me
not really and so I have to ask myself why
am I not built like the rest
indifferent

trust issues
indefinitely
mind freaks when you talk to anyone but me
isn't that funny
day 13
Jan 2018 · 456
sex crazed
jas Jan 2018
a soft kiss on the shoulder blade
cold brew up on the window sill
what a perfect duo
me and you

except , feelings creep back into my membrane
my heart sinks fast, feeling ill
goose bumps have me thinking
just for a cheap thrill
intoxicated with alcohol

call me a cab,
im drunk to walk
if im doing the right thing, why must I feel at fault?

of course, you beg me to stay
baby please, one more minute
forcefully grabbing my wrist
'stop', I say as I clench my fist

it was a good night
up until it wasn't
why is this scenario so constant

*** crazed lifestyle
tell me, is it worthwhile?

longing for romance
young love
perhaps
not with you
& not when im done a fool

all must come to an end
on a last whim, here's one last kiss
and im gone
like the wind.
day 12 of 365
Jan 2018 · 145
picture perfect
jas Jan 2018
you can pick me out bc i'm different from the rest
but you may notice i'm quiet so im not what you'd expect

imagine a pretty portait hanging on your wall
it's expensive
so i kno you'd protect it all costs
it would not be so pretty if it should fall
well that's where you got me wrong
because i've fallen at least 12 times but i got back up 10.
although that's less than what i like to pretend
bet you would never notice my life coming to an end

picture perfect
nobody thinks i'm worth it
live everyday to the fullest
how can i do that?
when everything you say shoots right thru me like a bullet
i'm useless
but y'all see me as independent

i know i put on quite a show
tell me , horror story? or fairytale?
just depends if all ends well
but i can't escape my fate
will someone tell me when it's too late?

i've been lost for so long
i've been in a song
it's on repeat
who put this on?

this songs loud
but i never sang
these lyrics came
because of my pain
so call me deranged
or what you must
but a pretty picture is what i am not
nonetheless

so tell me is this what you expected
what'd you learn in this lesson
to not judge a book by its cover
oops a painting by its artist
tell me what you discovered
you being the smartest
of this portrait
it's me
i'm tarnished
by the darkness
but regardless

i'm picture perfect
hanging on the wall
pick me out
am i the fairest of them all?
thought so
now put me back before i fall
day 11 of 365.
Jan 2018 · 117
stuck
jas Jan 2018
stuck
in a blank mind
going 360 like a carnival ride
i start questioning life
eating up my time

does anyone ever notice
that inside i’m broken
over words left unspoken

hiding.
feelings misguided
& undecided
stuck.
day 10 of 365
Jan 2018 · 212
self less ness
jas Jan 2018
all this time
my whole life has been a lie
from deep inside
living always felt like a crime

you might be like me
but I am not like you

self defining
im only into me
conceded
but its reality
this is my life
that we're talking about

so i'll chase after my dreams
i'll find ways
no more make believe
im self defining
me
myself
and I
day 9 of 365
Jan 2018 · 160
destroyed
jas Jan 2018
you can give your whole heart out to people.
and they destroy you.
walk all over it.
it's useless to them.
and walk away from the disaster that you are now. hurt. betrayed. alone.
hiding behind a mask but only for so long.
the tears come down bc you can't hold them in anymore.
you can't be strong.
can no longer hold on.
to anything but reality. & that's not really living
so many disgusting people in this world
so few i keep in my circle
well really just two
that's less than a few
karma comes around
& seeks the truth
so i'll worry about me
& i'll let things be
here's another poem
bc of a tradgedy.
Jan 2018 · 447
rose colored glasses
jas Jan 2018
lack of motivation
life gets overwhelming
where am i consciously
thoughts are unpleasing
they tell me "chin up" but it's not that easy
swear it's like a disease
only can rely on me

tell me , am i setting myself up to fail?
just wanna make it , don't tell me the ship has sailed
spinning in circles , ******* life derailed
just take my *** to jail
problems too big it broke the scale

i'm losing myself ; can no longer feel
is anything left even real?
lost control soon as i took my hands off the wheel
swear i'm so low , how is this ideal?

gasping for air
if i took my last breath
who would care?
death and despair
why can't i just disappear

ripped apart from reality
the page tears
fell to my knees
so i say a prayer
why is happiness having an affair

how can i find myself
try to rewire my brain
force feed me pills to get rid of the pain
think i'm going insane
i'm not that picture perfect
don't pick me up and put me in a frame
compared to you , we are not the same

stuck in a slump
this is a speed bump
fall back down just to get up
than i shrug
life's got me ****** up
but negativity i will unplug

sweep these feelings under a rug
squash depression like a bug
don't come around if you ain't got no love

least i know my way back home
where the flowers bloom
the fireflies glow
when i take a midnight stroll
if i get lost along the way
i'll search for the words i wrote
and sing along to the tune that goes

"you might hit me with throws
and the low blows
put me on a ledge
keep me on my toes
but this is not the life i chose
if i'm down only god knows
i'll find the glasses colored with rose"
Jan 2018 · 752
two- faced
jas Jan 2018
hmm..
me vs. me
battle or war?
on the other hand
what you see against what you don't
interesting theory.

you see what I want you to see
you see what you perceive of me
what your mind believes
but is that truly me?

perhaps not.
so perhaps call me two faced
i admit i have two sides
one for the show
and one behind the curtains.

oh, close minded individual
open you eyes
what do you see
surely, it's not me.
day 8 of 365
Jan 2018 · 592
a persona
jas Jan 2018
what is going on?
really, please tell me.
inquiring minds need to know
as in me, im the inquiring mind.
im struggling to find my own self
you see,
I've built this persona , right?
so you may meet me and perceive me some way that fits into your mind
or the other hand
you can know me for awhile
and
built this persona of me, slowly yet surely
so you understand
except I seem to surprise you
I take you by whim
catch your breath kinda thing.

ah, so you don't know me?
or you thought you did.

question..

here is your info..

two sided individual
anti social introvert
unknowingly kind
yet blunt

so which am I?
today?
tomorrow?
the next 5 mins.?

tell me,
what do you think of me?
do you have me figured out?
what is my persona?
Jan 2018 · 145
is depression a feeling
jas Jan 2018
idk why i feel like this
every day , it's the same ****
i have no motivation
i guess it's called depression
sleeping
while my feeling  stay creeping
but it almost feels like i'm falling
stuck in a hole
i just can't dig myself out
especially with all of this self doubt
the room so dark
the walls so far
help me please , i'm screaming
but nobody hears me
as i'm leaping
but there is no escaping
funny about this it comes and goes
it overtakes my body from my head to my toes..
day 7 of 365
Jan 2018 · 258
treat
jas Jan 2018
i knew i was in for a treat
you lick your lips , so sweet
the passion in your eyes
thrilled knowing your mine
a taste like fine wine
touch me & i tingle
this feeling inside me lingers
a breath of fresh air
across the room you light up a flare
a sense of your energy
i feel inside me
the more we delay
the more it's foul play
surely you attract my heart
my soul
my mind
right from the start
adoring you vastly
hoping you experience the same
keeping me sane
from going insane
this love game
scared to feel pain
reflecting back to you
takes away the blue
thinking about something so sweet
my dear , your a treat.
day 6 of 365
Jan 2018 · 553
flowers
jas Jan 2018
scenery so beautiful it draws attention to your mind
rose petals are soothing to the skin
the touch, the feel.
thorns down at the end
guarding itself
along the stem
down to the roots
where the seeds were planted deep into the soil
that's the real beauty

                                           -don't chase after those who touch the flower without knowing the soil.
day five of 365
Jan 2018 · 209
hurricane
jas Jan 2018
the rain hits the side of my window pane
the beats of my heart begin to change
so in darkness comes to light
of what i might face
perhaps some might call it a hurricane
mixed emotions
of thoughts
gentle water turns quickly into oceans
never knowing what may be brought
the wind briefly alters
& than comes to a halt
when will it stop
so i glance out my window
looking over to the dark clouds
how much power they have
& i make a wish that my problems will drown
down to the drain
along with the pain
for i will no longer fear
the deep dark hurricane
Jan 2018 · 250
feels.
jas Jan 2018
heart pounds in my chest
this feeling has me wrecked
my mind going reckless
but thinkin bout you makes me stress less
ideally i never let anyone in
why start something i'm scared to begin
all they really do is leave in the end
lately about you i've been questionin
you really find ways to get under my skin
you shine on my world & light up my heart
looking at you like my fav piece of art
talking to you from sunrise to dark
you touch my skin , leaving your mark
what if i take a chance and leap
well **** than i'm falling to deep
i see you in my dreams , at night when i sleep
the memories we share , forever i will keep
day four of 365.
Jan 2018 · 759
escape
jas Jan 2018
ok. my mind is implemented with scars. how I've been done wrong. I was kicked, beaten, torn apart. stuck myself in a black hole. to be undiscovered because love hurts, it hurts.

thoughts on my brain
viruses making me go insane
help. its seeping out my veins
oozing from the beneath the surface
its not worth it
let me go, with my mouth filled with foam
life's on the line
running out of time
getting left behind
nothing you can do I promise im fine
I'll be alright
don't you come back tonight

I'm on fire
body's burning
hearts scorched and burned
from the point of no return
of all the things I've learned

& I pray to God
I know you're listening
so hear me
from the clouds
fighting all my demons
begging to be free of them
of him
seeping back into my skin

scars, make me who I am
till the very end
maybe one day, no more hurting
I'll crawl out of this black hole
escaping this darkness.
day three of 365
Jan 2018 · 424
me & you
jas Jan 2018
me and you.

vs. everyone
vs. problems
vs. simple mishaps
vs. endless possibilities

me and you vs. the world

but the world was against us
we did not stand a chance.
ended up in total disaster.
funny, how the story changed

me vs. you

who wins?
Jan 2018 · 924
second chances
jas Jan 2018
running out of options
we've been thru this once before
reminiscing on the past
for a second chance
fighting for another possibility
neglecting the doors to re-open

is this the end or the beginning?

you tell me..
day two of 365
Jan 2018 · 877
page 1 of 365...
jas Jan 2018
hello. its me.
alive and breathing
walking into a new chapter
of a new book
of my auto biography.

mentally I've grown.
new state of mind
developed in an essence of my own.

one year.
me, myself & I
three hundred & sixty five
days,
of my life

welcoming new opportunities
embracing changes
yet to come
here's to page 1.
Dec 2017 · 492
a search
jas Dec 2017
in the dark
blind to the eyes
opening of a mind
i seek
i search
unsure what to find

& in the blink of an eye
my mind
goes blank...

the light
at the end of the tunnel
i can barely capture the essence
heat radiating upon my face
as i open my eyes
the thing i sought
is in view


struggling to seek reality
a key
right out from under me
alive in a senseless dream
hello, do you hear me?

found, at last
hold my breath
but could it be
that certain thing
that one wish
that i would seek
jas Dec 2017
free smoke
white coke
selling dope
stay in your lane it's a slippery *****
looking into a kaleidoscope
look for me i'm around the globe
shine so bright i bring a glow
headshots on my frontal lobe
she's always calling "pick up the phone"
**** girl like leave me alone
can't u see i'm tryna get blown
all she do is roll her eyes & moan
i'm just tryna stay in my zone
i swear she's too young like post malone
keep my drama light like keystone
you can work that *** but what you do with that nose
if i'm being honest i'm just tryna bone
play me like a saxophone
acts take play that i will condone
already forgot ya , ya shoulda known
didn't i tell ya my time was on loan
back in the studio , put on my headphones
tell a story but first i gotta break it down
Dec 2017 · 431
why
jas Dec 2017
why
why would you leave us
why would you leave me
i'm all alone now
feelings are creeping
crying on my knees
i beg to god , please
get me thru this
get me a fix
get me something to get over
one last kiss

guess you never cared
my heart you can't repair
no , not anymore
not when my chest hit the floor
left me helpless
when you walked out the door

& i don't understand how life worked out
i never gave a doubt
about us
about love
about our trust
why couldn't i realize you didn't give a ****

so now i'm stuck
i'm on my own
a new milestone
don't call me anymore
i won't pick up the phone
if you wanted to leave then stay gone

gone with the wind
gone till the end
gone from my life
something you can't mend
something you can't fix
or even comprehend
we were never more then friends

i should've known
i shoulda seen the signs
that our love died
& so i cry
while i write these lines
remembering all the good times
everything that you left behind

was me.
Dec 2017 · 210
bro/ken
jas Dec 2017
sometimes a person shows interest in you. "you look beautiful today" & so those simple words make you fall . fall for him or perhaps it's the idea of him. he smells good , you ask to borrow his jacket so you can feel secure as if your wrapped up in your own little cocoon , filled with nothing but him & you. your safe now , nothing could get to you.  his lips are sweet and soft. kisses you so gently that eagerly you want more. that look in his eyes.that look that made you understand the saying 'the eyes are doors to the soul'  for sure you knew this could be real , how could it not? he took you out , you met his friends & showed you off as you would vicariously have make out sessions right in front of them. but you didn't care bc you were in love. young love. young naive love. but than that's the idea of him. bc he leaves you and your heartbroken. your clothes drenched from the tears he left behind. how could he? just leave like nothing. to forgot all that's happened over a few months. but if you take a step back than you would have noticed. how walking hand in hand down the street , smiling & laughing but too much to notice he'd be eyeing all the girls that walked by. or was it at that party where you searched for him after coming back from the restroom only for him to say he also went to the restroom. but clearly you would have seen him , wouldn't you? but you were naive. and so you trusted him. nothing could go wrong. but when did things start acting strange? & so you relive every night you went out. or fought. or kissed. or was it after ***? that's when he stopped all of the little things. & maybe you did notice he wasn't that into you anymore. so you gave him more ***. thinking that would make him stay. in his mind you were old news already. tiresome. & he was ready for a new fling. & you were left to pick up the pieces that he had broken.

he had broken you, into two.
Dec 2017 · 223
christmas eve
jas Dec 2017
its dreamy ,Christmas eve
all these presents that I cant believe
could never be for me

its dark
truly a silent night
above all,  I never let out a fright
alone

holidays and such
so I say tis the season
but im leaning on a happy ending
that's not mine

Santa baby
I know you hear me
I'm begging you please
its Christmas eve
and im alone
if someone could answer the phone
than maybe
i’d have a chance to be with you
Dec 2017 · 674
(your a ) ... disease
jas Dec 2017
sickness in me
you resemble a disease
makes me
******
a bit queasy
the needles slippery
yet I need to feed
to bleed
to feel needed
even if this feeling is uneasy

you make me sick
like a disease
I beg for at my knees
a mere touch
a peculiar taste

I find myself wasting away
at the bottom of an ashtray
burnt out
exhumed with fumes
beginning of a drought

with this disease
in pursuit of a vaccine
ending of deceit
and a desire to feel complete
Dec 2017 · 256
part two / depression
jas Dec 2017
(cont..)

perhaps you know my friend misery
me & her have quite the history
although i only met her last year
i've known her all my life , i fear
i cannot seem to get out of bed
i'm hanging on , just barely , by a thread
i cannot seem to get the **** out of bed
to start the day , wondering , how long is it going to dread?

i'm quiet so nobody notices
they say i'm tired
ha , prbly hungover
don't worry this feeling will pass over
well you wanted to drown me in drugs
surely i got it
with depression
how could you not notice?
when you were my bestfriend?
& now i wish everyday that it would end

everyone around me
living happily
& than there is me
drowning
my mom says 'why are you such a drunk?
you drink everyday
get outta this funk'
well mom , i drink to take the pain away
i wish i could tell you straight to your face
i'm on a drug i do not wish to take
but i fear you will guilt me & say my words are fake
'you drink for your own ***** sake'

how could i tell you i'm living like this?
how could i tell anyone?
i sit back , & i wonder where did all this start?
did it start with my abusive father
or the one who left before i was born
did it start when people brought me down
& said i wasn't good enough?
i turned & looked to god
yet i still felt lost

but i know i'm tough
laid up in a world so tough
& so here's me living with depression & anxiety
hand in hand
that's quite a hoax
but here's to a part of me i've never told
here's a part of me that you never knew
Dec 2017 · 363
part one / anxiety
jas Dec 2017
-

i've been meaning to do a tell all story
but the question is idk where to start
how on earth could i open up my heart
it's been chewed on and spit on
ripped apart
what is it that you wish to seek?
to find out about me
all the impleasant things
or perhaps the simplicity
the countless days i've cried myself to sleep
crying on the inside , looking out
the abundance i have of self doubt
how i cannot stand to be in large crowds
how i open my mouth
i try to speak but the words do not come out
i do not make a sound
i'm quiet as a mouse

cold sweat drips down my face
all eyes on my
this isn't my place
so i quickly hide in that dark corner of a space
or do you only want to see what you distinguish of me?
i lay on a smile so thick
you wouldn't believe
all the contemplation scrambling in my head
call me a forgery if you will
but you don't get to put me in my place
tell me to stand still
"if your feeling down take some advil
or should i get you a prescription perhaps a refill"
oh honey , please tell me another joke
the words slither down out of your mouth
do u hear yourself speak?
yet you do not choke
& that is only one part of me
you do not know
anxiety helplessness hiding
Dec 2017 · 168
distractions
jas Dec 2017
you were just a distraction
I needed you so I could look away
so I could be at peace
if just for awhile
because once your gone
you go with my smile

the world falls apart around me
im suffocating yet im still breathing
how is that possible
to feel broken and nothing at all

so yes, ill take my distraction
ill take it so gracefully
put you in my pocket and pick you out only when I need you the most


in the midst of it all, I turned my face away for just a second
and your gone
disappeared into thin air
I try to see but its vision is cloudy

and when I take a step back
I open my eyes
even my mind
and the distractions that once took over my life
have also disappeared
such like you
Dec 2017 · 193
life
jas Dec 2017
when I was a kid I could see life was hard
didn't know it would take me this far
when I was a kid , I didn't know crime
didn't know lies
didn't know who died
and I sure didn't know why mama cried
I was too young but I knew things deep inside

and the next morning she woke
with two black and blue eyes
funny how they looked like mine
but she hid them in disguise
and I didn't know why
not at the time
I thought things were fine

going to school just to come home
never had anything to rely on
never talked about where I was from
living in a hateful world but having so much love

& I grew up but nothing changed
everyone loves to treat life like a game
living day by day, always the same
but when you play the game you get played

I remember back when I was ten
never met my dad so figured he was dead
some days I'd even pretend
dying to just fit in

I got people bringing me down everyday
I tend towards speaking but have none to say
crying at night, I than pray
its not always black and white
sometimes I see grey
keeping my mind open to follow my dreams
that's me being me
searching for something meaningly deep

I guess that's just life.
Dec 2017 · 195
living dead girl
jas Dec 2017
living dead girl


midnight
the moon shines bright
touches the earth but yet not me
i’m in darkness , currently hiding
but don’t try to find me

a walk along the gravestones
my only friends are ghosts
the real world doesn’t recognize me
somehow i’ve turned to stone

my heart beats
so i must be breathing
then i’m alive
but that’s deceiving
because inside
a little part of me has died

trick or treat
today marks the day of halloween
at last i found a place for me
dress up & pretend to be
anything but reality

a girl is  what you see
a girl is what you seek
and tonight that is what is redeemed
just tonight for a small fee
i’ll be living in a dream

all i see is warlocks & witches
another part of me is distant
& this costume itches

walk up the steps to receive some candy
oops i got drugs , but they come in handy
good thing tonight you can’t see me
it’s dark art & that pleases me

until next year , we’ll rekindle
back to a day where it’s so simple
i bid you farewell
don’t try to find me
i’m really good at hiding
don’t you worry i’m well alive
not yet dead inside.
i bid you goodbye
Dec 2017 · 1.6k
gemini
jas Dec 2017
I've come to the conclusion
I am two parts of a whole
you may look at the glass half empty
or half full
sometimes it's really hard to tell
but call me a Gemini , if you will

behind closed doors
I'm either high
or low
one minute I'm soaring
& the next on the floor

one half of me
battles depression & anxiety
my thoughts are scattered inconsistently
my heart pounds in my chest
the minute you speak my name
just know I'm doing my best
trying not to go insane

other days I'm free
gliding thru the breeze
of my life
energetically speaking
the sun dances around me
against my face, glistening

but I seldom wonder
the thin wall that divides me
if I should ever sunder
two halves of a broken heart
searching for the glue that once held them part

Gemini's are twins
such like, good and evil
an angel and a demon
dancing on my shoulders
dragging me farther and farther away
so in the eyes of the beholder
I sense the middle becoming yet much colder

judgment is given on the evil side of me
I'm distant , I admit it
at times , fairly resistant
a poor trait one must receive
nothing more than a peeve

alas I did not select this trait
nor must I choose to accept it
my slump has taken its toll
I do not wish to see anything as it is but dull
I may be present and alive
yet inside, negatively drains my mind

I pray that good outweighs the unfavorable
that you may overlook how I'm unstable
my bright eyes & tinted cheeks
how I simply ignore my urge to be weak
for in that one moment
I've experienced a whole heartbeat

ultimately, there is no escaping
no path could lead me elsewhere away from thee
no debating
I am not one but two parts of a whole
one day I hope I am in control

Gemini
the twins
its me
& I am them
Dec 2017 · 323
try
jas Dec 2017
try
I've built myself from the bottom up
tried so hard but I ran out of luck
I pushed myself when I was stuck
why do I feel like im not good enough?

I get beat and burned to the ground
I scream yet I make no sound
one minute I'm above water and the next I've drowned

it always happens to me, it seems
I try to much just to get defeated
broken and beaten
what is my reason...
to keep on being.
Dec 2017 · 292
an autobiography of my mind
jas Dec 2017
‪invisible
miserable
yet disguisable
and amongst peers, admissible.

ironically
happens constantly
hidden sardonically

life is nonetheless comically
to me
Dec 2017 · 213
depression
jas Dec 2017
‪it all felt like a dream‬
i woke up still feeling the same
look out to the window pane
the weather seems to match my mood
a little dark & clouds with gloom
raindrops pitter patter on the glass
i can't continue to wear this mask
although i wear it well
everyday conversations couldn't tell
my heart weighs heavy ,
my souls drifting away
this pain feels deadly
much like decay
maybe one day i'll be like you
i'll look out the window all sunny & blue
smiles & laughs , grinning cheek to cheek
at least that's what i view, so to speak
if only others could see me clearly
right thru this melancholy i continue to wear
but nobody sees bc nobody cares.
i can't seem to speak up , nor wouldn't dare.
& maybe that's life , never fair.
but i continue to wish waking up from this dream
at least that's what it feels like running thru my bloodstream
only emotion i ever posses
only one i never forget.

— The End —