i won't hit you up anymore
you gotta message me first
im tired of being the only one
who puts in any work
because as cool as you are
i cant find it in me
to keep going out of my way
i could lose you if it means winning
peace of mind and freedom
to **** with whoever i want
but i want you
its just i won't be the one
who waits on you and your every move
make up your mind
stop playing with my feelings
stop acting like have you time
to be messing around
because i cant keep on lying
i am not happy and this isnt fun
and i am tired of trying
to be there for you
and put in a hundred and teen percent
better take advantage of your opportunity before you lose it
because this is the only chance you get

just thinking about you makes me a little crazy
being close to you is almost too much
i become a helpless mess
at the end of your touch
but love the way i melt
the way you smooth me out
one kiss on the tippy top of my forehead
to help calm me down

can't do more than
i already am
what about that
can you not understand
i'm pushing so hard
i'm afraid i'll just break
and if i get broken
i'll just get replaced

so deceptive aren't you
who told you it was cute
jealousy is not a quirk
you don't realize how many people you hurt
you have something wrong inside
insecurity drives you to lie
but you've lost that death grasp
now all you hold is remnant ash

can't trust me
so you judge me
can't manage to comprehend

my decision
to create some distance
and stop being your "friend"

shouldn't have
had your back
at all in the first place

it's strange of you
to expect me to
why can't you act your own age

danger
he's a stranger
may seem nice
but you don't know him

anger
could be in his nature
look in his eyes
know that you don't know them

i'm tired of comforting people
while i feel like i am dying

i am tired of pretending i don't care
while i am swallowed by my thoughts

swimming in a pool of lead
breathing clouds of ammonia

my limbs feel like bags of rocks
my consciousness the world on my shoulders

too self aware for my own good
i wanna be alone
but i wanna be loved
and i can't seem to do either

who do i wanna be
a friend or the enemy
will i let the whispers get to me
can i bring myself to be friendly

have you ever just wanted to drown
in the emotions you're choking on anyway
everywhere you turn there's a complication
you can't just abandon life
but you don't want to face
all of the issues around you
don't feel the need to experience all of that pain
but it's not a choice
you get to make
to the misery
you must subjugate
in this moment
this life
you are its slave
they ache
for your failure
and its your tears that they crave
bitter salt for a bitter world
is it black or white
can you be wrong and right
so confused and gray
where ever one must choose a side
you linger
you sway
either choice could do you in
that's why you're afraid
to make up your mind
to just be let down
it doesn't matter anyway
we're all just blips
in the history of earth
another person with opinions
another corpse rotting in a grave
years from now
none of this will matter
no one will care what you did
much less about you
they won't even remember your name
but still it hurts to exist
in this moment
considering all of the mistakes
you are bound to make

came to me as another person
not as a demon
like i ever wished bad for you

glad we could finally talk it over
and mean ****
because it ate me up too

feel the need to fight
to put down
to argue

wanna build
not engage in MAD
over a dumb issue

we don't have to hurt together
choose this pain forever
we just like healing each other
wiping tears we gave to one another

i'm a little poet
both quiet and loud
having weird thoughts
then writing them down
words are my coping method
when i get stressed out
how i get over the things
i become irrational about

i have so many things
i want to say to you
but they don't matter
no matter how much i want them to

i want to feel safe
i want more time
but you need your space
and i need mine

could stay up all night
and dream about a future we'll never have
keep being drawn back to the good times
so badly want them back

sinking
i keep sinking
i keep thinking
when i know it's bad for me

dreaming
i keep dreaming
i keeping singing
to combat the bleed

but deep inside
i can't fight anymore
i decompose
behind closed doors
don't know who
is running this show
been dead inside
yet steering the boat

need to be okay with being forgotten
accept that it's normal to sometimes get left behind
that sometimes people just genuinely don't
have enough time
or enough room or enough love to spread
for another person in their life
need to not take it to heart
gotta learn to take it in stride

seems kinda odd
not gonna lie
a bit too off
to just slide by
undetected
without comment
gonna have to check it
before i drop it

the embarrassment is stiff
and i don't know how to react
the subtlety of it all
enhances the attack
at the speed you were going
couldn't brace for the impact
if you didn't wanna hurt me
why did you go so fast

preoccupied
disqualified
i couldn't be anymore open

pushed aside
demonized
turned to my devotion

would rather shatter both of my kneecaps.
before i bow to you

you might think that i'm just an angsty kid
and that tradition instills beauty
but i say ***** your rules

there is something innately authentic
about the things i do

you hide behind your structures and stanzas
judging me for wanting
to try something new

i see through you like glass
but i'm trapped on the other side
watching you try to spare my feelings
then experiencing the resulting lies

oh my god
you are so funny
who would've guessed

your jokes hit the spot
make me laugh my **** off
and the one liners are the best

wanna cry
but physically can't
when i feel so overwhelmed
can you hold my hand
know its not your responsibility
but you seem to understand
everything feels so wrong
but at least you see who i am

not the emotions that override my ability to be functional

a lack of maturity
how surprising can it be
to anybody who knows you
especially me
i thought you could manage
to pull through but i see
the reward for sharing my heart
is feeling stupid to possibly think
you'd respond like an adult
and be reassuring
if i was the person reading this
i'd also be embarrassed for me

falling into orbit
but its not too bad a fall
what did i do to deserve
this random call
we don't even know each other
not anymore at least
what possibly could you need
from little old me

fornication
prison of life we can't escape it
but if i have to suffer
i'll suffer with you
love the way you take
the dreariness out of this room

ring the doorbell
but "no one is home"
peep in the window
call your cellphone
i know your in there
can't tell if you're alone
i don't really care
just wanted to know
if it was the way i kept in touch
you told me it was fine
was i doing too much
didn't wanna make things worse
you're stressed enough
but you told me you liked me
and just like that i was done
couldn't wait to know those eyes
in their hazel glory
looked forward to hearing
all of the crazy stories
but maybe thats not what you want
maybe you were happier before me
if you don't want me too
can't take it sorely
but that's the thing
the reason i'm here
wanna know what you think
cause right now it's unclear
if you want me to keep going
or wish i'd disappear
locked out in the cold
hoping you can hear
afraid to cry
because it might be too intense
i'm invested in this weird connection
but i'll survive if it ends
just feel like i look so stupid
trying to be a friend
can we just talk about it
can you please just let me in

nothing i want to say
every person in my brain
so so so much pain
just too much at stake
to walk away

the thoughts i've had
what i can't take back

i just wish i could hold you again
i'm sorry i wasn't a good friend
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry once again
i'm sorry i made you scared to let me in

sunlight through a window
how could've i known
i blame myself even though
i couldn't prevent it even so
i'm scared for you to be alone

finally acknowledging it hurts
just to dismiss it by saying it could be worse

if i only i could try it again
find some way to magically convince
there are people who care what state your in
haunted by what i couldn't prevent

purgatory
save your stories
i'm ignoring you
like you ignore me
not ready to
know the gory
details so could you
can it for me
could you walk away
and leave it be
for once maybe
consider me
for you
that seems to be
an impossibility

"totally" inspired
or driven by the desire
to have them cheering you on

ridiculously tired
of constantly stoking a fire
when i could just take someone else's baton

spin and twirl
another's words
and act as if they're all mine

struggling to make this work
so it kinda ******* hurts
that i'm basically wasting my time

lean over
just say
whatever it is
get it out of the way
i'd rather know the truth
than keep being played
is the validation
worth my pain