in your presence
i shutdown
probably unhealthy
but it works for now
keeps me from drowning
in anxiety
you provoke
the fight or flight in me
except i just freeze
ice cold
gone to any world
i know
catatonic
floating away
break from reality
to a safe space
being next to you
scares me to death
since the moment you sat down
i've held my breath

you don't hate the bullies
just hate being bullied
that's the crucial difference

if they're not coming down on you
there's nothing you will do
but if you're hurt the world is endin'

sirens scream
they tell you not to love me
turn around, leave
there is nothing here to see
nothing here to believe
nothing you could possibly need
heed the warning

there's something not right
i keep the darkness locked up tight
you need to see me under a different light
it's all bottled up inside
the critical, the ugly, the spite
i'm trying to spare your life
hurry on now unless you actually want to die

if you get to know me you'll find out i'm not that clever
not exactly glum but i tend to find things whatever
i like being alone because it feels less lonely than together
if i think you're toxic i'll add you to the list of friends i've severed
life feels so impossible so my favorite word is never
push my buttons and pull me down then flip my lever
trigger me with you presence forever
worn and torn and bound like leather
cloudy and moody so i must be under the weather
still i am lighthearted and floating like a feather
i wrote down this word but i can use it in this them so header
this is the lamest poem ever

crazy calm
fearlessly afraid
you can make me feel all these horrible things
but never again make me feel insane
you taught me that showing my vulnerabilities
should make me feel ashamed
yet my tears are not a show of weakness
and i can take pride in my pain
really glad i've gotten to this place
where i could give two ***** about what you say

the only thing i'm good for is feeling bad
my constant existence some state of sad
like **** why can't i just go back
to when sweet dreams were all i had
its like all i can do is **** **** up
no matter what you say i'm not enough
there's always a caveat to love
never gonna have full trust
even though i bleed on an altar for just a chance
melt like snow in your dishonest hands
when a man loves a woman and that woman loves a man
i wish i could just suddenly understand
because all this waiting
feels like decaying
try to be patient
but i feel so deflated
wont you come fill me up now
its always so dark out
but its nice when you're 'round
soul deep in my spring of doubt

i hoped you would try harder
not just let me go
at least i had the courtesy
to even let you know
that it seemed to
be an issue with me
it's easier to walk away
so you just retreat

oh **** no
i'm not you're little puppet
to ignore
and pull out to have fun with
i'm not your toy
to toss around
and fight over
and leave on the ground
not your doll
to pamper and preen
i'm much more
than a prop to upkeep
stop trying to
stifle and pose
i'm not a specimen
you can pinch and poke
not your animal
not your beauty
not your charity
not your duty
not your angel
or babycakes
***** in my mouth
when you caress my face
trying to be nice
but i'm sick of your ploys
to see up my skirt
and silence my voice
you're simply disturbed
and i want no part
take your playhouse
and kindly depart

oh i wanna fly
over the edge of this scraper
be torn to bits by cement
like a piece of paper
dive headfirst
to a pool in the winter
empty and cold
now no one is the winner

lately we've been strangers
sharing responsibilities
we cut out all the "unnecessary"
underestimating such frivolities
only an arm's length away
but still in some place i can't reach
i want things to go back
to the way they used to be

didn't waste any time
did you
betrayed by my mind
did what you knew
would hurt me most
just feel cold
thought we would be better than this
but we won't

thought i knew you
thought you knew me
seeing what you do
got me unsure that we
ever had each other
things you swore you wouldn't
you ask if i hate you
i tried but i couldnt

this is where we stand now
no love no mercy
what you would do now
to hurt me
all the resentment
you hide inside you
hate me if you want
it's your right to

some kind of suicide pact
die for you anyday
trying to take all these feelings back
gonna **** me anyways
didn't waste any time
couldn't help yourself
nothing can save you
no prayers hope wishes help

didn't waste any time
but mine

carrying this wait on my shoulders
need a break from this break
trying to respect your choice and your space
like it's not taking all the patience in me
to not see the distance as an enemy

how do you breathe
when i'm not there
i can barely even
exist without you
is it weird that you
never get jealous
or is it weird that
it makes me confused

i won't hit you up anymore
you gotta message me first
im tired of being the only one
who puts in any work
because as cool as you are
i cant find it in me
to keep going out of my way
i could lose you if it means winning
peace of mind and freedom
to **** with whoever i want
but i want you
its just i won't be the one
who waits on you and your every move
make up your mind
stop playing with my feelings
stop acting like have you time
to be messing around
because i cant keep on lying
i am not happy and this isnt fun
and i am tired of trying
to be there for you
and put in a hundred and teen percent
better take advantage of your opportunity before you lose it
because this is the only chance you get

in your face
in your space
always got something to say

in my head
in my bed
ever lovers never friends

just wanna know
if you have any regrets
are you sick of me yet
i remember when you said
you never would
but i just wanna know
if i passed your stupid test
or are you repulsed by the mess
find it hard to believe
you aren't sick of me yet

on my mind
what a waste of time
days on days i would hopelessly pine

you made it safe
then you took that away
that's why its so hard to be okay

now that it's done
do you have any regrets
are you sick of me yet
i remember when you said
you never would
but i just need to know
if i passed your stupid test
or are you repulsed by the mess
find it hard to believe
you aren't sick of me yet
you really were the best

you'd never do it for me
said you couldn't
shed a tear about me
no you wouldn't
i know that you won't
because you didn't care
i loved for the both us
so it was easy to take a chair
to sit at my table
and feel welcome without a cost
you got the benefits for free
the price was leaving me lost

mutually assured destruction
we fail to listen or can't follow instructions
here we are just going through functions
do we hate our guts because we trust them
do we miss the jokes because we loved them
or are we just aching for somethin'
to laugh at instead of pretending it's nothin'
do we miss each other or do we miss the disruption
the silence is an impassable obstruction
saying something hoping to be interrupted
because when we fight at least its a discussion
otherwise we twist our thumbs and
wait for the other to draw assumptions

being angry did nothing
but show you i still cared
hate is not the opposite of love
because the passion is still there

you don't want me to be a part of your family
it shows in the way you disclude me
don't act like i chose to leave
a child can not decide to pack up their things
you showed that i was not part of your home
made me to feel alone
the sight of you makes me want to implode
didn't ask to be disowned

i tried to think of what i did
to make you hate me so much
i was only just a kid
you decided that i didn't need love
i cried at night
before i even turned nine
i thought if i should die
before i knew the word suicide
because i thought
i hurt you by being alive
you're a monster
i'm stuck with for life

making you feel good makes me feel good
so i go out of my way
pay attention to the little things
hanging off of the words you say
but after a while of being dismissed
i get tired of going so hard for you
like if i'm willing to be vulnerable
couldn't you at least try a little too

can't do more than
i already am
what about that
can you not understand
i'm pushing so hard
i'm afraid i'll just break
and if i get broken
i'll just get replaced

just want someone to talk to
when i'm unsure of the path
and see through the panic
i try to mask with a laugh
paint it as a joke
so it doesn't seem so bad
knowing **** well
it's tearing me in half

just want someone to listen
when i feel i have to be quiet
labeled unimportant feelings
so i try to hide it

but it kills me inside
not knowing what to say
feeling all the pain
but not being able to explain
not knowing the words
to articulate
the particular kind of shame
that swallows me everyday

just thinking about you makes me a little crazy
being close to you is almost too much
i become a helpless mess
at the end of your touch
but love the way i melt
the way you smooth me out
one kiss on the tippy top of my forehead
to help calm me down

don't want to be alone
but i let you go
answer your phone
i already know
one of your friends
needs you again
i need you too
but i can't cage you in
jealousy is ugly
want you to get nice feelings from me
biting my tongue
pretending ***** lovely
but its not
wound up in thoughts
i don't wanna speak
so i'm constantly off
but i like you a lot
and i dont want you to stop
i want your voice in my ear
but you're already gone

i'm just me
plain as can be
walking a line
between
the two extremes
feeling numb without you
or loving painfully
its just me
nothing else to see
just a person on the side
that you'll never need
not enough
will never be
one of your dreams
just another person
who won't leave you be
don't need
my company
i'm just me

tell myself to stop rhyming
cause this **** turns into writing
hate spiraling nightly
my brain does it to spite me
but secretly i love the sting
of explaining my pain perfectly
putting it out there for all to see
making people question their self esteem
wondering if the words they read
are about themselves because they know they hurt me