i wish someone would listen
without the intention of ******* me
i wish someone would care
if i wasn't always perfect
i wish someone wouldn't expect it all
when i obviously have nothing left
i wish somebody that i trust
actually deserved it

a string of light through a keyhole
pleasure deadbolted just out of reach
imagining all the ways i'd have you
if it were up to me

but there's more pressing issues at the forefront
and many a underlying problem to address
prospects to chew on and outcomes to juggle
but when it winds down, if there's time to digest

from a pinhole stream to total whiteout
suffocating warmth and utter release
phantasms haunt my prior commitments
posing if i'm truly guilty if it's only in my dreams

the sting in my throat says i am
and the weight in the room screams at me nonstop
begging me to help us both
saying we'd really be better off

but there's the unbearable thought of breaking your heart
of ruining what might just be what i didnt know i needed
but if i feel all of these different things could it even be that
or am i just to jaded and impatient to see it
too numb to feel the love already in my life
too ready to let everything go just for a fun night
i'm too smart to actually do it
but just stupid enough to let it still ruin my life

i don't even know what i want
but i'll circle back to this
everything ******* ***** right now
and there's no such thing as a quick fix
but i'll run the image of you up and down my the back of my mind
and inwardly buckle at your passing cologne
knowing no matter what happens
that i'm only gonna be happy on my own

now i'm caught between
being who i wanna be
and being who you need

however i lean
there'll no peace
whether i live for you or me

because i'll feel guilty either way

pick a side
is this goodbye
back and forth
in my mind
god give me a sign
tell me what is right
it's not easy to decide
if i want him in my life
so i go back on my word
and forgive him everytime
if it feels so good
why does it cut like a knife

do u
and i'll just do me
***** u
since u already ******* me
there is no us
so just stay out of my way
u made ur choice
to go separate ways
so play the part
cuz i won't let you play me again
i won't let you in
you don't deserve luxury of knowing me again

you hold your stomach
hold it in
but i know you better
i know you're sick
you don't want to hurt me
but can't help it
pardon yourself
before you *****

know you mean well
but this is toxic
talking with you
makes me feel boxed in
you want something from me
but i haven't got it
it was a dark time
when you walked in

we bonded over pain
got nothing in common
i grew from the experience
you do nothing to stop it
you revel in your misery
i couldn't stand feeling like dog ****
wanted to change destiny
you wanted to watch it

now here we are
tired of talking
hate the way it makes me feel
to see how you've lost it
but if you aren't willing to help yourself
to try to use logic
i refuse to get hurt myself with
wishing you were not sick

standing in the window
sunlight through your hair
next to something so bright
you seem suspended in the air
having your moment
and i have mine
humming something unfamiliar
but it feels just right
never thought this would be me
or where i would be
but my low self esteem
matches your extremes
the juxtaposition
of our separate issues
want to see you happy
but don't need to fix you

swallowing the fear
blinking away the tears
crying will do me no good now
i'm already here

getting harder to breathe
is it just me
you think i'm delusional
say it's not that deep

i know i'm supposed
to be okay
i drew the lines
i walked away
but for the record
i don't feel like i won
i'm not celebrating
or having much fun
we were a team
now you're just blocked
couldn't stand to see
you become someone your not
years from now
maybe we'll meet again
but tonight i'll just remember
what it was like to be your friend

when they got slurry
and their parents worried
i laid in bed and dreamed awake

when they went crazy
and drifted through their phases
i used distractions to hide my pain

smoked away the tears
encouraged to face their fears
i just prayed for an escape

taught to rock the boat
able to let things go
i have a death grip on my shame

down to my soul
sick to my stomach
pushed you away
but know i still want it
the attention, the camaraderie
the moments to the side
now that it's over
it seems like time just flew by
but i know in the moment
it felt like forever
now it's like i'm living in a world
where we can't even coexist together

when there were songs to sing
and friends to keep
names to carve into trees
knees to scratch on concrete
and life was an obsession of silly things
when i knew what mattered to me
before i was wary in every condition
and stocked up on mental ammunition
questioning everyone's intentions
swallowed whole by my suspicions
can't be calm for more than a minute
so little time there's no way to spend it

they're boys
not toys
wasn't
their choice
to end up smack
in the trap
shouldn't have to
watch their backs
they couldn't understand
haven't had the chance
sheltered from these sorts of things
by being a "man"

just miss your nonsense
and putting my legs over yours
god i wish things could
just go back to before

it was nothing
then it all became surreal
you don't love me
or care about how i feel
we talk but that's it
i don't have a place in your life
i call you my friend
but your everything but mine
you tell me i put myself down
way too often
but have you seen the way
you treat me with caution
like your afraid to be near
or hated by association
talking to me
like its your obligation
i don't think you know
the way i see you
you think we are friends
sometimes i do too
then i remember
i've never been a first thought
just second priority
always put off
not your best friend
eventually nothing at all
i keep pushing you away
so i guess its my fault

****** it up
done ****** it up
i'd ask you to say sorry
but i've heard enough
i'd ask for comfort
but comfort isn't love
and you ****** it up
you hurt me and that's the last
time i will let you in no matter
how many times you ask
have to focus on my future
let go of my past
so if you try to approach me
understand why i'm gonna
have to pass
because i don't need the drama
or the lies
or the tears
find a place to go
cause i don't want you here
i was so ******* generous
but i've had it up to here
i can't keep asking myself
the same questions
in the mirror
like if you really loved me
or were you just pulling strings
was it something i did?
say?
think?
is there something wrong with me?
maybe if i changed this
you would think i was ****
oh
the ways you made me feel were so unhealthy
made me hate myself
for not living your lie
for not being able to satisfy
for being hurt
for wanting to cry
i hated everything that made me doubt you disguise
like those times at night
when i couldn't breathe
even though you were right next me
when i'd look at you
but you'd look through me
or when you held me
but i still felt empty
those were the signs
so blatant and twisted
too bent
they hurt to know
so i ignored them
but i now know better
than to do that again

you are a glass of water
late at night
so delicious and cool and smooth

you are a droplet
that evaporates
when she puts her arms around you

you are rain
your gentle sound putting me to sleep
i'm dreaming
it's so hard to not press snooze

you are an ocean
that i find myself drowning in
what an intoxicating blue

hate the way my voice just slides
into that tone i can tell you like
tell myself i'm not here
to break another heart tonight
i know i could take this vessel
and use it to crush your soul
but i actually think you're kinda cool
and i DoNt WaNnA hUrT yOu BrO

feel so stupid 
feel so dumb
feel too old
to be this young
feel too broken
and seem too weak
feel too overwhelmed 
to know how to speak
cause it feels so hard
and hurts so bad
it's a neverending storm of issues
that makes me feel like crap
just feel so cut off
disconnected from everyone else
feel so much
i can't think beyond myself
consumed by obssesions
compulsed to hurt
driven to insanity
enslaved to the words
as i lay with my eyes wide open
and feel like its all too much
i feel empty and like
i'm about to explode all at once
cause im pulled apart
by who i am and who i was
so who i want to be tends
to get left behind in the dust
and i struggle to behave
the way that i should
inside there's a war
and i'm praying that the good
can overcome the evil
that wants to surface
a battle between 
living or dying to be perfect
i just feel so stupid
so dumb so discouraged 
like i could try my hardest
and it wouldnt be worth it
because i'd fail not only myself
but everyone around me
one second i'm blissfully ignorant
the next i am drowning
i don't know where this comes from
i'm scared to be alone
the voices in my head take over
and tell you what they know

every night someone new
becomes the man of my dreams
at this point i'm not even tired
i've fallen in love with falling asleep

when my eyes close
i'm transported to a world of light
safe from the worries of today in the
sanctuary of the night

i am a hypocrite
who hates hypocrites

the only reason i dare speak
on you and your choices
is because i've acknowledged how ****** up i am
and i guess that makes me even worse
because i know
and should have the ability to change
but i don't

i am a hypocrite
who hates hypocrites
telling you to love yourself
while i punish myself for existing

i **** at life
i'm the worst at being alone
i can't stand to be wrong
i'm not good at lying
i'm always touching something i shouldn't be
when i think it takes too long

i'm just not up to par
a notch below
what is expected of me
i push so hard
to reach that bar
but i am still not an acceptable human being

.
                            u
you build me    p

you tell me i'm    
                              b  
                       ­          e
                                   a
                                     u
                                        t
                     ­                     i
                                          ­  f
                                              u
             ­                                    l

i have   e a r n e d   your love

                             m
                          r
                       a
said i'm      w


s  o    y  o  u    h  o  l  d    m  e    close

welcoming like the morning           u
                                                       s          n

but  e v e n  though

i'm all of these    t                 s
                                h          g
                  ­                  i   n

i'm still not  e  n  o  u  g  h

you'll never look at me with   d
                                                        e
      ­                                               s
                                                        i
     ­                                                r
                                                        e

thou­gh i  
                 s    h  i  v e    r

                      your touch
b e n e a t h

can't make you want me
or take you with me
but i can blossom
and then you'll miss me
until then i'll pine and whine
and get over you in time
and as i grow apart from you
you'll begin to find
no one ever loved you
without expectations
no one will ever
be as patient
i could only wait for so long
and now i'm burnt out
i'm getting ready for the funeral
and you think this is goodbye for now
you silly silly boy
won't you wake up and read the signs
you're so oblivious
never appreciated the good in your life

don't wanna be too much
sensitive to the touch
don't wanna be a burden
but do i deserve this

every breath stabs
every tear stings
why am i falling apart
over the same old things

everyone has issues
i'm not special i know
don't wanna be a bother
but i'm struggling on my own

don't wanna be in the way
but can't i lay my head right here
you don't have to listen
just like to think somebody hears

wondering if i'm crazy
for feeling the ways i do
just tell me if i talk too much
don't wanna annoy you

everything feels so bad
and i just feel so lost
too tired to think
too heavy to carry on

should cut some of the weight
just don't wanna against your free will
you mean a lot to me
don't wanna use you as an emotion landfill

there's a lot i don't wanna do
and you say its okay to breathe
maybe i'll start there
just don't wanna make a scene

just don't wanna be 'that girl'
don't wanna be the freak
don't wanna scare you off
or have someone else laugh at me

i know i say too much
and i came on too strong
always in excess
always doing something wrong

they tell me to watch my mouth
before i dig myself deeper
stupid of me to think
they couldn't get any meaner

don't even know where this is going
don't wanna make no sense
i'm a broken record
saying the same stuff over again

don't wanna this don't wanna that
just don't wanna be alone
god i'm scared to ask for help
but i'm too weak to keeping standing on my own

i don't know what to do anymore
i get off and i sit in my car
cause i dont wanna head to the house
but i'm too tired to drive anywhere far
and i dont wanna hang out
i just wanna be somewhere i don't hate
i wanna be alone
i deeply desire to feel safe
i want a lot of things
but i can accept what i have
knowing it could be worse
even if it can get kinda bad
i just want to feel better
i want to breathe and feel like myself again
cold showers help the physical pain
but i want the mental anguish to end

you spend so long
hoping and crying
waiting and dying
to have it end just like that

it was always gonna end
it was horrible to go through
but it was the only thing i knew
now there's no going back

every year was a new set of problems
i really hated my time here
but now that horizon is now so clear
i'm afraid to run into the light

afraid to move on but it's no longer a choice
i wished it was over
now i wish for closure
i will not go quiet into this night

the ghost of who you used to be
follows me everyday
it reminds of better times and
i don't know what to say
we no longer talk since
we both went our separate ways
it just ***** to see you've become
everything you used to hate

don't care they say
don't mind their ugly words
keep being kind
don't lose yourself in the insults they hurl
like i haven't tried
to be a woman of steel
god i wish
it was that easy to not feel

opening old wounds
risks infection
let the dead die
stop with the dissection
i don't want an autopsy
don't want a resurrection
we were fine where we were
stop finding things to mess with

find your own peace
without disturbing me
i'm too tired to be
who you need
regardless
i wouldn't wanna be
only in your most
selfish dreams

mesmerizing to watch
but distance is truly the best
she'll captivate you with her emerald eyes
till she slithers around your neck
and even if her patterns exotic
make no mistake
don't confuse a necklace
with a hungry snake

it's the little things
the invisible ways
barely noticeable
but it causes so much change
if it makes you that mad
storm off and don't return
i'm not about the be a horror story
you can keep your pride and hurt

don't be shy
i want it all
oh just lean over and bless me with a kiss

perfect i swear
i'm praying
that i'll be able to know those lips

in your presence
i shutdown
probably unhealthy
but it works for now
keeps me from drowning
in anxiety
you provoke
the fight or flight in me
except i just freeze
ice cold
gone to any world
i know
catatonic
floating away
break from reality
to a safe space
being next to you
scares me to death
since the moment you sat down
i've held my breath

not today
not tonight
will not break down
refuse to fight
i'll just do my best
and bow my head
when i should really
throw a fit instead
and flip tables
and throw chairs
the way i'm treated
is so unfair
but i'm too tired
to be upset
so i take the defeat
and digress
it's easier to know
that i'm right
than pull receipts
and ruin your night