how could you be so weak?
you gave in too easy
it'd take much more than a sorry
to ******* appease me
why not just say no
or ignore her advances
stop gambling on the fact that i've given you
third, fourth, fifth chances
i guess it is my fault
for teaching you that its okay
to hurt me
as long as you made sure to accept the blame
however forgiveness only goes so far
and my patience is worn paper thin
if you really want those strangers
you are free to have them

bag of bones
barely getting by
one more hour
feels like it'll never pass
wasting away
wasting time
none of the good feelings
ever last

i'm crying in the bathtub
naked and alone
feeling uglier than ever
down into my bones
i want to thank you for loving me
only when it was easy
the water keeps mixing with my tears
and for some ******* reason
i wish you were here
to wipe em away
kiss my face and say it'll be okay
but i know i know i know
you won't you won't you won't

we used to laugh
at each other's jokes
shared the secrets
we didn't want anyone else to know
you trusted me
i trusted you
trusted the agreement
we had come to
then one day
you changed the plans
went from my best friend
to my worst friend
then to a stranger
who just knows everything about me
it hurt to know you
could just move on without me

get it out so i can leave
taking your anger out on me
like you always do
cause you always assume
stay mad if you want
i did what i could
swear that you hate me
this time for good

if thats the case
don't put yourself in the way
wanna push me away
then push me all the ******* way
repeatedly ask for your space
i graciously obey
then i guess you wait
till i finally feel like i've escaped

say whatever it is you need to
as if you haven't already said enough
i'm giving you this chance
though you wouldn't offer me as much
i'm just tired of sitting through your preaching
in your effort to make
me love you more than myself
or become consumed in self hate

you dont want to see me happy
you want me to play a role in yours
you think you know all there is to know
about life and determine its a chore
if you feel like that then hate yourself
and stay out of my life
i tried to care about you genuinely
but i'll never put more effort into yours than mine

see it
i need you to see it
but if you don't
just go the **** away

mean it
you say that you mean it
you can think so
it's more than what you say

leave it
i tell you to leave it
yet you just won't
you're the cause of the pain

unsee it
you just can't unsee it
knife at my throat
but i had the sharper blade

i don't know what to do to make it okay
everytime i think its over i'm eclipsed by the pain
god i hate the way things played out but there's nothing i can say
to make those awful things you did go away
i miss you so **** much that every part of my heart aches
but i can't forgive the things you did to me that day

closing in on me
but i'm pushed against the wall
scratching and screaming
soon i'll be too weak to crawl
it's useless to fight
i'm already captured
this feeling of helplessness
swallows me even faster
every cry of passion
dies out as a whimper
i'm much too macerated
to take on someone bigger

the kind of filth
i can't scrub away
sleepwalking through life
to cope with the pain
can't sleep can't dream
can't remember the last time i ate
like to lose track
stare at the plate till it breaks
sweep up the shards
blink and realize none of it was real
there's no more normal
no certain way to feel
vacant
but emotionally unavailable
dizzy oriented
were you ever even saveable

it's that raise in pitch
when you say my name
i wait for you to see me
but you can't look straight
all your excuses
start to sound the same

a little detail
reveals a big lie
a little change
that bothers my eyes
i know you too well
i am still suprised

it's in the way you speak so freely
then retreat into your mind
the harder your you try
the easier it is to see what you hide
your face is riddled with guilt
but you're drowning in pride

shouldve known better
than to lie to me
i will always find
what you are hiding
there's not a part of you
i havent seen

stories i can’t seem to remember
behind my closed eyes
dragging myself through these awful days
to sleep through the fitful nights

strangers trailing through my dreams
somehow breaking my empty heart
falling in love with someone who doesn’t exist
twinkle twinkle little star

i sing the songs and dance to the words
but none of it makes me feel alive
what is real isn’t real
i’m aching for my purpose to materialize

tired before i even wake up
fatigued by the world, i sleep
i can only imagine what i’ll see tonight
i belong to my pillow and sheets

and as i resurface to consciousness
back inside my mind
i harbor a primal rage for
that clingy sunrise

that calls me back
every morning, every day
but every night the darkness comes back around
and cradles me with its solitude, like this will all be okay

and it holds me like no other
it never shames me when i cry
comrades, brothers, lovers
there’s no way you don’t satisfy

and there’s nothing better than
a fantasy, my friend
there’s nothing more tragic
than when that fantasy ends

nothing more painful
than saying goodbye
but you never leave me
so i’ll be alright

you’re not like the others
you are magnificently you  
wholesome night, you are precious
with dreams you subdue

my fears and satiate my need
for something mine
something only for me
something i can not deny

frequently alone
only company is my phone
quarantine so everything's closed
parents don't want me to leave the home

miss my friends and normal life
it's more than just being outside
it's human connections and meeting eyes
the hollow feeling gets worse at night

reaching out to figments of my past
the joy of rekindling never lasts
strangers wanna talk but never ask
i'm drowning but no one wants to save my ***

those i love
are like puddle
when it rains

we jump
and make messes
but in the end they evaporate

briefly present
vanished into
thin air

brimming with joy
drowning in
despair

up and down
left an right
pull me to pieces
don't forget to say goodbye

your halo
it shone
it more than just glowed

like an LED
you holy beast
with sheltering wings

angel in disguise
prayer and sacrifice
god in my eyes

sacrilegious
no longer suspicious
never was religious

but you're my scripture
your water is thicker
than the blood, who'd have figured

so dear, so sacred
so pure, so mistaken
my ethereal haven

i'll always be faithful
as long as i am able
my beautiful angel

overwhelmed
clouded mind
left or right?
i can't decide
pulling punches
i don't want to fight
idealization
of suicide
problems gone
problems solved
no more buttons
for them to press
no on, no off
no more mistakes
or being punished
when i am caught
no more thoughts
no more stress
it will all just stop
cause i need a break
for goodness sake
i'm already bound to make a mistake
there's probably another way
but does it look
like i want to wait?

don't like your options
so you reject them
not interested in questions
so you resort to deflection
beat down on me
till i gag at my reflection

creating excuses for someone
who doesn't care to make their own
you say he's really sorry
but did he ever say that though
if you can show me where
i can let it go
but that apology doesn't exist
you and i both know
if it's every other day
and the same old ******* ****
a growing mountain of flowery words
and no sign of improvement
if he did it once
he would do it again
never has to justify his behavior
your fear of loneliness does it for him
sparing feelings he doesn't have
this man couldn't care less
if he wanted to he would
but you know what to expect
selfish choices and rushed intimacy
never gets excited to see your texts
you want to be right so bad
you refuse to reassess
the foundation of your relationship
your endless effort only matched by his pride
scrambling to make him happy
just to be dehumanized
if he loves you likes he says he does
why can't he manage to treat you right
a promise you made under false pretenses
shouldn't determine the rest of your life

i remember the first day i saw you
like it was just yesterday
and the first time i looked at you
with that he's-not-so-bad way
i remember falling in love
then all i remember is the pain
of you not loving me back
but still choosing to stay
because apparently our friendship
was something you wanted to save
but all it is is a reminder of the
love i just could not attain
i remember the first day i saw you
now i wish i'd never said hey

accusations burn in your brain
and sizzle on your tongue
you have issues that won't go away
quite big they have become
should watch who you blame
and come to terms with what you've done
telling the truth isn't the same
as only sharing what you want

tired of writing about year old pain
of expending my energy on people who've moved on
i quit being sad about things i can't change
and trying to find purpose and love in places i don't belong

you're a good person
you just ain't been good to me
know about your selfless love
that i've never personally seen

know you ain't the devil
but you haven't been kind at all
it's taking all of me to not just forgive you
and once again assume all the fault

if i could go back
i'd leave first
if i could do it all again
i'd just fade away
if it went my way
it'dve never had to hurt
if i could go back
just who would we be today

can't it just be
can't it just flow
can't i just see
if i like where it goes
without obligations 
or worrying about trying
i'm tired of feeling lonely
and so sick of crying
it's about what inside
so dont make me have to beg
to get a glimpse of the good stuff
hint: it's not between your legs
because that's never even mattered
in fact thats all a cluster ****
the body is weak and the soul is selfish
but all that can be cured by love
well not really but it helps
overlook the flaws
love is imperfect
in fact we cherish it more because of its faults
so throw me a line
and show me a brand new lie
demonstrate what could be
for my uneducated eyes
but let it be a trial
of what could be
as much as it seems like you want it
theres a feelings back guarantee
oh but if you could bear my touch
would you mind to take the care
pleasure is the destination
but you have to convince me that i should take you there

you don't dream
i wished them sweet
at the very least
get yourself some sleep
you know that you need it
and the timing is convenient
it's okay to show some weakness
when no one's awake to see it
so close your tired eyes
and succumb to the night
in the lonely bed you lie
one day things will be alright

Nobody cares about how we’re dying inside
Only that good intentions are always implied

♥

everything's crooked
i tried to be myself
at first it was oh no
now its more oh well
i tried to hold the line
and it left my palms raw
i tried to make it right
but it was beyond repair all along

i turn away
because i don't want to be seen
i tried to have friends
i tried to stay clean
i tried to make amends
i tried to ignore the call
but its coming from inside the house
i wish it'd all just stop

i turn into myself
cause all i know is that
i've never felt your love
and i cannot have you back
i'm never what you want
surely never what you need
i tried and in the end
it's simply because i'm me

i don't want to be here anymore
i don't want to have these thoughts
i'm sitting in my car before work
shepherded by the clock
go here go there do this do that
i try to feel better
but i cant go home because i don't have one
just as useless as ever

i hope wherever you are sleeping tonight
that you are turning in the sheets
regretting the things
you did to me
i hope you hate yourself
for making me cry
i'd love nothing more than
for you to be tortured by your own lies
but in reality
you're probably as comfy as can be
somewhere in a fantasy
with not even a distant thought of me
you probably don't even know
how much damage you caused
ironically it keeps me up at night
what a ******* paradox

i hope it feels good
to see me in pain
otherwise you would have
would have to be insane
to hurt someone
that loves you more than themselves
you're the reason i'm drowning
that's why i didn't ask for help

i hope it feels good
choosing her over me
what are the perks
they must be amazing
because you haven't considered me
no, not once
when will the day come
that i matter to someone

i hope it feels good
to have her presence like a shadow
in every part of your life, always with you
the darkness enhances your glow
even if i know you
do not care about how i feel
these emotions take over
and the hatred becomes more real

hate to admit it but
now you realize how much you needed me
cut communication but now you're disposed of
and you're losing your identity
at the very least i held you down
i was present and open minded
was willing to love your extremes
even if i didn't like them
even if i struggled to trust you
i trusted you because you were my friend
i treated you as best i could
wasn't the best but at least i gave a ****
and it was the best you had
and maybe ever will have
too late to try and scramble
to steal it back
the reality is sinking in
and it scares you to think
you finally reached
the end of the road with me
that there's nothing you can do
to lure me back in
no words you can say
to get under my skin
can't get my attention now
which is funny cause i used to fawn
can't appreciate some things
till their no longer yours and really gone

sweetheart
don't wander too far
it's okay to fall
in to my open arms
i won't let you slip
i promise you that
i'll keep you afloat
i'll hold the waters back
i want you to fly
your eyes are reason to me
let me uplift you
we could both be free