youcancallmesierra: Poems

62 · Jan 2019

tell me

youcancallmesierra Jan 2019

tell me

if i ask a question,
will you give me the answer?
if i fall apart,
will you put me back together?
if i give you this moment,
will you cherish it forever?
if i talk, would it ruin this?
would my silence make it better?

62 · Jun 2020

i'm soooooooo happy for you

youcancallmesierra Jun 2020

i'm soooooooo happy for you

and i just don't know why i can't forget your stupid name
no matter what i do i feel like i can't escape
everywhere i go i can't help but feel afraid
that something will remind me of some stupid joke you made
and even if i wanted to laugh i wouldn't to save face
if someone asked why how in the world would i explain
how do you suppose i separate the good times from this pain
why is it my job to always seem like i'm okay
god forbid there's been a little rain on my parade
but i can't frown after seeing a smile on your face
if you can move on i should be capable of doing the same
yes i know its not a contest of who can seem less strained
if it was we both know i would lose that game
guess its weird going from being known to being a stranger on the train
all i can do as you leave the car is fight the urge to wave
you probably don't wanna hear from me anyway
i could reach out and pull your sleeve if i had something important to say
but i know the real and selfish reason is that i just want you to stay

62 · Jan 2019

desire

youcancallmesierra Jan 2019

desire

i ache to be happy
with my being,
to my
c
o
r
e
.

i barely have what i need,
how could i ask for
m
o
r
e
?

62 · Jul 2019

counting sheep

youcancallmesierra Jul 2019

counting sheep

sleep evades me tonight
but i dont mind
i'll be fine
it should be alright
but if it isnt dont panic
i've always been a lil manic
i can deal with the antics
my lifestyle demands it
i've practiced my patience
i can remain through the phases
and remember the faces
without boiling over with hatred

62 · Apr 2020

delusion seclusion

youcancallmesierra Apr 2020

delusion seclusion

not that hard
to find myself far
from the people and things i love

get way too high
before i realize
and i get afraid the landing will be rough

it's nice up here
so why face my fear
i can just keep existing in the pockets of clouds

hate to admit it
but the more i visit
the more i question why i even come down

62 · Dec 2019

broken broke broker

youcancallmesierra Dec 2019

broken broke broker

rolls up his cuffs
takes a few puffs
bourbon in ***** cups
weak though he looks tough

monotony has taken its toll
to be so young yet feel so old
silver tongues and wrists of gold
rich in misery, his soul is sold

passion vanished, duty in its place
acquiescence written all over his face
he likes to imagine he's got time to waste
but he's too far gone and tenfold disgraced

word generator gave me monotony, disgraced, and cuffs, how'd i do?

62 · Oct 2020

empty threats

youcancallmesierra Oct 2020

empty threats

unanswered
calling an inactive line
waiting for a ring
wasting my time
you're busy aren't you
out of sight out of mind
i'm hoping you'll remember
and make me forget last time
but no
you're doing what you want to
pity me
for how much i love you
because you know you have the power
because you don't care
you can walk away without a fear
your ability to control wildly unfair

62 · Mar 2023

i will not hang myself for your crime

youcancallmesierra Mar 2023

i will not hang myself for your crime

your crimes bleed through me
like wine on the carpet
was traumatizing me
your only target
had so many walls up
that'd have crumbled for a gentle soul
you don't care about my pain
just carve yourself a glory hole
and **** me over
ruin my self perception
i am wilted and spoiled
gagging at my own reflection
my lips are not my lips
they're where your lips touched mine
my hips were just grips
your fingerprints stain my thighs
you tarnished my being
and want me to think it's my fault
but all of this devastation is yours
i'm just stuck with the rot

62 · Jan 2019

you really think so?

youcancallmesierra Jan 2019

you really think so?

i paint
arched brows
fulls lips
cheek bones
on my canvas face
all of the time making myself up
going to waste
what difference does it make anyways
doesn't change who i am
what i do
the choices i make
confidence i wash off at the end of the day
all this for compliments i won't even take
you tell me i'm beautiful
but i can't trust what you say
no matter who you are or what you mean to me
either way
i want my body to change
i can't look in the mirror
and not feel ashamed
i'm fat
i'm ugly
i deserve all of this hate
taking showers in the dark
acting like that's not strange
every time i try to be good to myself
it always ends in pain
i know you think there is something you can do
but its to late to try and save
me and be my superman
it's not your lucky day
i'm sorry for dragging you into this
i'll make it up to you some way
i hate myself
i hate myself
why can't i just be normal for a day
or at least for the times
when i need to seem okay
to make them trust me to be alone
to get them off my case

62 · Jul 2021

what a damn shame

youcancallmesierra Jul 2021

what a **** shame

you take a sledgehammer
to my fragile reality
and shatter it
so you can feel a bit better

you know what i'm going through
but you think you know me better
than i do
and you put your feelings on me

now i'm responsible
for both of our happiness
knowing very well
it'll be a massive disappointment down the road

you push until i beg you to stop
do not enter signs but you still knock
i say i'm uncomfortable but you tell me i'm not
you only hear what you want
you only help yourself
you ignore anything that doesn't fit your reality
and you expect me to be your ideal

you truly think anything is possible
mental gymnastics
going through hoops
to get nowhere really fast

61 · Aug 2021

too late for regrets

youcancallmesierra Aug 2021

too late for regrets

closing the distance
i purposely made
i gave you my reasons
i made myself space
even though i didn't
have anything to explain
allowed to move how i want to
to keep myself safe
lucky i'm so nice
to even entertain
such a cowardly
and immature display
i'm done with cradling your feelings
to avoid your rage
i'm not required to be your friend
or tolerate
the ******* you do
on the day to day
it's frankly quite annoying
how you won't let me go away
this is what i wanted
just can't respect the choice i've made

61 · Jan 2019

it's not an excuse but

youcancallmesierra Jan 2019

it's not an excuse but

everywhere i go
nowhere i belong
i know i'll always be alone
but it's hard to carry on

61 · May 2021

play your little games elsewhere

youcancallmesierra May 2021

play your little games elsewhere

no mistakes here
did that **** on purpose
created the situation
but don't feel you deserve it
look where you are now
are happy by yourself
do you regret how you reacted
will you try to blame somebody else
for all the problems in your life
once again and make no change
and turn the anger inside of you
towards the ones you claim
to care for because honestly
i don't care to know the outcome
after all the **** you pulled
i am past beyond done

61 · Jan 2019

not a prize

youcancallmesierra Jan 2019

not a prize

you're not ready
to play my game
you are mistaken
if you think i am
prey

i am not stupid
i just act that way
keeps me out of trouble
and somewhat
safe

from guys like you
who don't know how to behave
who like touch and grab and feel
with asking if its
okay

i'll make you hurt
if you cause me pain
i'm the one person in your life
that you shouldn't
betray

i'll make wish you weren't born
laying in the bed you made
if you don't know the rules
why did you try to
play

61 · Jul 2021

where are my fucking keys

youcancallmesierra Jul 2021

where are my ******* keys

lambasted for overreacting
to a situation i didn't deserve in the first place
screaming over your thoughts to feel better
being louder isn't winning babe
we could throw this back and forth all night long
but at the end of this you'll still be wrong
i'm sorry for trusting you not for being honest
it's a shame it took me so long

61 · Jan 2019

nosedive

youcancallmesierra Jan 2019

nosedive

feeling down
gravity pulling so hard
that even good intentions fall short

every word every movement
requires so much
every good deed makes them ask for more

pushing up from the ground
but i can't find my way up
so i guess i'll acquaint myself with the floor

descending into madness
but i will try to enjoy the view
delusion galore

61 · Jan 2019

my invisible prince

youcancallmesierra Jan 2019

my invisible prince

you can't see me
or you pretend you can't
it's easier to ignore me
than to understand
all i ever asked
was for you to be my friend
somehow you are absent
time and time again
and i just want you to hold me
shield me from the wind
i'm cold and i am tired
i'm not sure i can
muster up the smile
that it would take to convince
everyone that i'm okay
they know i haven't been since
you abandoned me
my invisible prince

this is about loving someone who is never there for you. makes you feel invisible

61 · Aug 2020

which is it today

youcancallmesierra Aug 2020

which is it today

there've been better times
there've been worse
days when i bask in the light
nights where i drown in my own words
places i can't think of
without falling sick to my knees
paths and forests i can't live without
sanctuary in the trees

61 · Oct 2020

meteorite

youcancallmesierra Oct 2020

meteorite

am i dumb
for falling so fast
the answer
a very ignored fact
i just wanna be loved
so bad
like maybe that explains
the way i act

but when i fall
its hard and unforgiving
what is it
you really want with me
i'm tired of how often
the balance keeps switching
whatever you need
can you try to find it in me

61 · Dec 2020

boofuckinghoo

youcancallmesierra Dec 2020

boofuckinghoo

tell me to be sensible
not sensitive
i'm only like this
because you slipped up again
you don't like this version
of me you handcrafted
whining about ****
you literally made happen

61 · Oct 2020

today sucks

youcancallmesierra Oct 2020

today *****

said it was nothing
but i filed it in my head
i'm sorry for being sorry again
don't know why you're my friend

61 · Jul 2021

human interest story

youcancallmesierra Jul 2021

human interest story

the lies they need to be okay
half-truths they'll take to their grave
self soothing efforts to much dismay
5150 you so they can try to feel sane

can't live with what really happened
cognitive dissonance fractures a fragile reality
if you did what i say you did
you couldn't excuse yourself rationally
with your bible of reasons
full of fallacies and opinions
fact is utterly lost on you
creating your own definitions
for ******* you made up or believe
to proof everyone else wrong
pushing a false narrative
only works for so long

61 · Mar 2021

how ridiculous

youcancallmesierra Mar 2021

how ridiculous

if its nothing
it's something
i say it's something
to you it's nothing

here we are
some heart to heart
know how you are
can't trust my heart

hate that you hurt
like i make it worse
see that i'm hurt
but you always have it 'worse'

wanted to try
to flood out the lies
but you won't even try
believe your own lies

61 · Aug 2020

be a dream

youcancallmesierra Aug 2020

be a dream

i wanna scream till i cough up blood
and cry till my eyes fall out
won't sleep until i physically can't be awake
unfortunately that isn't right now
my head is pulsing with memories
of things long past and some hours ago
i'd give anything to be dreaming right now
instead of writing this ******* poem

61 · Jul 2019

i really am tho

youcancallmesierra Jul 2019

i really am tho

you say i run across you're mind all the time
but we both know i never run
keep telling me you think i'm the one
but we both know if i was number i'd be three
you whisper out loud that you think you love me
but we both know you don't think
you go on and say that you ThInK
i'm chillin

61 · Apr 2020

but i can't forget the tune

youcancallmesierra Apr 2020

but i can't forget the tune

song in the distance
fading as i carry on
beautiful at the time
but i'm glad it will be gone
too distracting
full of memories
that i can't continue
to carry with me

61 · Apr 2021

hard to say

youcancallmesierra Apr 2021

hard to say

i guess what i really meant to say
wouldn't even matter anyway
i take up space in the doorway
knowing i got nothing to useful to say

in the end there's not much i can do
but acknowledge the fact i still love you
in whatever i mean when i use
that word and if it means what i want it to

i know i'm the one who made things this way
still confused about it anyway
you were more than willing to stay
but i didn't and don't see anything worth trying to save

i think i just miss not being alone
but thats not a good enough reason to go
and keep leading you on when i very well know
i've got more than enough issues for us both

61 · Mar 2021

sleep robber

youcancallmesierra Mar 2021

sleep robber

sensitive to the touch
when dreamt i saw to much
you can't comfort me right now
since you'll never try hard enough

always loved in the dark
ridiculed for my heart
youre ashamed of me aren't you?
i can't help but love you for who you are

61 · Jul 2019

the prison of homeostasis

youcancallmesierra Jul 2019

the prison of homeostasis

for every good thing that that happens
a bad thing will follow soon
im trying not to be paranoid
but i don't know what else to do

61 · Jul 2021

sweet sweet freedom

youcancallmesierra Jul 2021

sweet sweet freedom

by your leash
she pulled the noose
bad behavior
given any excuse
you almost let
that **** **** you
at the very least
it was some pretty good news
when i heard what happened
the eventual separation
it's expected with us kids
in this ****** up generation
a mixture of attachment issues
and gutting desperation
not much else i can say
that would be respectful if i say it

61 · Jul 2019

necessity trumps preference

youcancallmesierra Jul 2019

necessity trumps preference

i'm a vision in the night
she's real between you're fingers
sure a taste would be nice but you're starving for love
and it'd be too much to ask you to leave her
so i'll come while you dream
and save you some time
we both know that you want me
its just the circumstances just aren't right
so you pretend that its me
as she takes you down
necessity trumps preference
you just **** her because she's around

61 · Jan 2019

i'm a little dusty

youcancallmesierra Jan 2019

i'm a little dusty

i'm just a

m
e
s
                        s
t
                         h
a
t
                n
    e
e
                                 d
s
t
                     o
b
                                      e
c
                            l
                                                         e
a
           n
e
                       d
u
           p

60 · Jun 2020

but its my story, right?

youcancallmesierra Jun 2020

but its my story, right?

feel empty yet full of dread
everything coming to a head
can't breathe can't think can't entertain
choking on thoughts safe in my brain
no one wants to hear my truth
supposed to be okay with being used

60 · Nov 2020

gn?

youcancallmesierra Nov 2020

gn?

uneasy but thats fine
its okay take your time
i'm only dying inside
i only waited to talk to you all night
i only wanted to not feel alone in my mind
i'm not blaming you its just that i
wasn't ready for goodbye
even though i said it was alright

60 · Jun 2020

frostbite

youcancallmesierra Jun 2020

frostbite

swimming in ice cold
keep telling me how you're so alone
can't even feel my toes
can't even find a thought to hold
been floating for years it seems
suspended without decency
soaking up the energies
of people who wish ill for me

60 · Dec 2020

crackd

youcancallmesierra Dec 2020

crackd

touch starved
but that doesn't make me special
would reach out
but honestly that seems stressful
lots of time spent alone
thinking in my room
reliving things that will never seem to happen
in the imminemt bore of every afternoon

60 · Apr 2020

horrible mother

youcancallmesierra Apr 2020

horrible mother

every step he takes
each words he says
will all be in spite of you

no one cares you're ashamed
you awarded yourself this blame
you are nothing but a selfish fool

60 · May 2020

blindfolded throwing knives

youcancallmesierra May 2020

blindfolded throwing knives

the easier times
were filled with lies
we cannot see
eye to eye
butting heads
and shaking knives
don't wanna ****
but willing to fight
won't let the other
live to be right
have to cut each other down
to be satisfied
hate this dynamic
but its how its been for some time

60 · Feb 2020

clownery

youcancallmesierra Feb 2020

clownery

guess i'm a traveling circus
an entertaining sight
a blubbering fool
stumbling under the lights

funny to watch
me fall on my face
fall in love cause i'm silly
and swiftly get replaced

60 · Nov 2020

utopia

youcancallmesierra Nov 2020

utopia

why would you do the same
you'll have me anyways
no need to work it out
if i decide to live with the pain
why would you ever need to change
or force yourself to rearrange
the way things are right now
have come to like your place

60 · Jan 2019

i'm a needy person

youcancallmesierra Jan 2019

i'm a needy person

i am angry at you
so do not draw me in

i am jealous of her
don't treat me like a friend

i'm just fine on my own
keep your hands far me

i'm cold and so alone
pull me close before i freeze

60 · Apr 2020

crime scene

youcancallmesierra Apr 2020

crime scene

got me all kinds of ****** up
with the way you're treating me
you swing so heavy with your hurtful actions
and thoughtless words you speak
you must really not know me
if you think
i'd let you grind me down
or portray me as weak
as much as i value our friendship
it's nothing i need
it's not worth
not being true to me
so take your inconsideration
don't say bye, just leave
already done enough damage
always as destructive as can be
create some distance
give me my peace
you've done nothing
but tear into me
ungrateful for my patience with you
wasted my energies

60 · Oct 2019

cuddle

youcancallmesierra Oct 2019

cuddle

i don't know what i want
come here and hold me
but if you lay a finger on me
i'll break
no one else does it the way you do
so i'm deprived
because i deny myself their comfort
i wait for yours
but your touch reminds me
and i start to spiral
i hate being vulnerable
but i let you in
i curved into your embrace
just to have you
abandon me
i need your touch
but it isn't the same
it hurts
but not in the good way anymore

60 · Mar 2021

lesser of two

youcancallmesierra Mar 2021

lesser of two

at least when i cried everyday
i was sure of how i felt
i'm somewhere between drained and unsure
but can't really tell
if it's the environment around me
or if i constructed my own hell

60 · Apr 2020

i know

youcancallmesierra Apr 2020

i know

i know when you've just said my name
i know when you lie to my face
i know when you aren't listening to what i say
i know that you are not ready to change

you don't have to put on a show
i'm aware, i've been told
about everything you like to withhold
don't worry darling i already know

60 · Mar 2021

headstone

youcancallmesierra Mar 2021

headstone

waking up with a smile
knowing that night would come again
you were the best part of living
man would i do it again
cause when the sun set and curtains closed
i said things i could never take back
in my lonely bed i'm not sure how to feel
i try to piece together your laugh
from memory but i've forgotten already
i am scared to have the realization
i shouldn't have pushed you away
but it was the right thing to do in the situation
you were just too far away
and i am as unlovable as they come
i know there's so much time left
and i know that i'm still young
but what if i threw away my chance
and i'm ****** for the rest of my life
i miss hearing about your day
in the dead of the night

60 · Mar 2021

revelle

youcancallmesierra Mar 2021

revelle

drawing parallels
to my dismay
finding myself uncomfortable
with the way
things seem to like
lining themselves up
this situation is
convoluted as ****
i'm scared to look beyond
the boundaries i voiced
knowing all of the revelations
that are bound to disappoint
you're different when i'm not around
that's no suprise
just really wanted to believe
you weren't that type of guy

60 · Jul 2021

stomach acid

youcancallmesierra Jul 2021

stomach acid

dissected like a toad
carved down to the bone
every piece of me gets sold
be it pound of flesh or ounce of soul
everyone got their chunk of me
nothing but a hunk of meat
apparently
not a person who feels things
just an object to take
a possession to break
the many ways you violate
just to self satiate

59 · Jun 2020

ihateme

youcancallmesierra Jun 2020

ihateme

everything i touch
i burn
anyone i love
i hurt
i want to offer more
than pain
but where do i even
begin the change

59 · Apr 2020

sore thumb

youcancallmesierra Apr 2020

sore thumb

not as fancy
nor as kind
a different breed
of another time
painful to watch
opposite of them
don't stand out
but don't fit in
my words aren't jazzed up
but they're all that i got
pouring myself into this obsession
hoping it's not all for naught