i
love
overreacting
very much so i'd say
everyone would agree
although i hate them all
there are times i think to myself
these are the people who make my life
easier by noticing what i need someone to
no they may not make me happy all the time
this is a fact but that is not necessarily a bad thing
its almost perfect even if you try to think about it all
oh but it is exactly what i have wanted from the beginning
no one of the face of this planet could try and take it from me now

if
it really happens
was it ever really a what
if

inescapable
clearly incapable
of respecting my energy

every time i'm excused
i run smack into you
and relive the memories

above all your drama
overcame that mountain of trauma
better off ignoring the bait

so i exit without a parting
not concerned with the rumors your starting
i'll just keep going my way

if i am holding the door open why would you tear through a wall
storm off if you want but don't say its my fault
i want you here but i wont give you an ultimatum
i give you second chances but can't force you to take them

when it rains
it pours

when it burns
it scalds

when it hurts
it  lingers

but when it feels good
it seems stalled

here goes
what ever shall i do
if i can't get a pinch
of affection from you
do or die
and i will right in this spot
don't even dare
i'm just dealing with some thoughts
cause it's all inside my head
and the worst part is
i know it's all inside my head
and i still can't fight it

i'm but a speck
i can do nothing
i am nothing
who are you

i'm but a speck
i've done nothing
i feel like nothing
what is it to you

i'm but a speck
i will be nothing
i do nothing
and neither do you

i'm but a speck
and though i say its nothing
it feels like something
you are nothing too

working myself down to a nub
forgetting to eat and pretending to sleep
wonder how long i can go on like this
with my tank running on e
something's gotta give
it has to change eventually
but it feels like i always gonna be
a dead battery

i'm just
maybe if i
don't think that
you snap out of it
it's okay it's fine
not doing this today
get your **** together

the freedom i was chasing
was never so far
i blamed you i blamed life
i blamed myself
i blamed my heart

but really it was just divinity
or maybe just the way things go
i searched for love for peace
for mercy for belonging
for a place that felt like home

now the understanding presents itself
just like this
you can try and fight change
but the simple fact that always was and will be
is that it just is

i trust you
to not let me fall
so i lean into you
and just breathe

it's been a while
since i felt okay
with just being
plain old me

you cut through
the layers of anger
and self deprecation
to see what i could be

taught me that
i wasn't hard to love
but that i shouldn't expect it
to all be easy

but none of the bad stuff
is enough to erase
the beautiful irreplaceable moments
i could never leave

i use to be so mad at the world
but you brought me out of that
fixated mindset
nurturing and calming

i love you
for being there
and seeing past
all of the ugly

.
pardon my ignorance
i should've known better
but i thought i should at least try

but people always fail me
and it's made it harder to get out
of my shell each time

im damaged
and it ***** that i doubt
eveything in my life

but its not exactly my fault
its just that once i lose my focus
i can't just fall back into line

i can't go back
to how the way things were
i cant pretend i'm fine

i can't justify
ghosting you with out explaining
but i'm not ready to speak my mind

how do you tell someone
that being around them
is like feeling second best all the time

i love you to death
but i can't be you're sometimes friend
not this time

i feel like im lying
not only to you
but like whole relationship is a lie

i womder if i asked you about me
what you'd say
like you even listened or tried

it's wrong to just doubt you
but i feel it in my gut
i'm insignificant in your life
.
.
but i made you my whole world
my sun and my stars
i laid out a path
made of shards
from each time
it broke my heart
to make you smile
i tore my self apart
but that is
the way things are
you never wanted me
not from the start
you won't even miss me
but i'll reminisce from afar
trying to be your light
left me alone in the dark
.
.
but does it really matter
at all in the end
peace of mind
in exchange for a lousy friend
i cant decide
i hate to do this again
i cant believe i let you
get under my skin
i give up on trying
its too much work to put in
.
.
i hate you for making me feel this way
but you'll never know because you're indifferent to my pain

happy
            happy
                         happy
            merry
                         merry
                                      merry

please just let me be myself, even if it's really
                                                                                    s
                                                                                       c
                                                                                          a
                                                                                             r
                                                                                                y

taking the cowards exit
because to hate is easier than to love from afar
and how can i hurt myself like that
when you knowingly broke my heart

i tell myself i'm allowed to change
i think i just say that to feel okay
with everything that has happened
yet i still feel drained

i can live with myself
if i end up being wrong
but what if i can't find a purpose
once you're gone

i tell myself i'm young
and i wont get it right the first time
but i only have so many chances
before i **** up my life

i thought
if i loved you enough
you'd eventually love me back
                                                            ­                                               i thought
                                                         ­                         if i waited long enough
                                                          ­                   it wouldn't hurt me as bad
but what i thought
and what happened
were two different things
                                                          ­                    now i know how you feel
                                                            ­                    is the determining factor
                                                          ­                                     not what i think

i wanna watch over you
if that's okay
when's the last time you drank water
have you eaten today
you don't deserve
to feel so sick everyday
even when you're miserable
don't bury yourself in hate

you shouldn't need to brace
against your own fists
don't owe me anything
i'm here because i wanted this
you did do something today
you lived
and for me
thats the best gift you could give

complicit huh
complacent
i know that name
i just can't place it
what a beautiful face though
oh how nascent
i know it's coming
how do i face it
i know it'll be ******
i already taste it
if i anticipate the pain
maybe i can embrace it
still i gotta know my limits
find a way pace it
borderline torture
abusedly adjacent
i'll suffer through the waiting
find a way to be patient
i just hope you know
i see your hesitation
i hope you know i feel your doubt
and i hate it

i know who i am
that's not the issue
it's you

want whats best
but i get more crap
what up's with that

just gotta stay focused
if i conquer my fear
i might persevere

it hurts to let you go
but you only bring me down
when your around

this is why
i cant be nice
or believe you
say anything other than lies
your words are plenty
you give them away
but when it really matters
you've got nothing to say
so imma end this right here
before i die in these streets
don't need another reason
to cry myself to sleep

waited for you to claim me
but you never made that advance
come to learn i was never
part of any plans
just a distraction for the meantime
you say i'll have to understand
an opportunity i never had
can not slip out of my hands

crazy how it is
know it's none of my business
but i can't believe this ****
about speechless
like how did we end up here
too much coincidence
but it is what is
i'll try to let you finish the sentence
knowing **** well
no excuse will make sense
gotta let you finish
but it's senseless

can you match my energy
be as into me
as i'm into you
can you be consumed
soft and swooned
whisper naught whatnots
fall in love with my doom
lay around in my room
kiss me when there's nothing to do
i'll do whatever you want to
just let me know

is there a way to make this work
where neither of us end up hurt
or feel used
always fall too soon
end up bruised
but i like the blue
almost a little too much
is weird that i'd like to
be marked by you
we should be alone

even if it hurts
the pain is so delicious
when i melt in your hands
you don't feel malicious
i wanna trust my guts
and your outward intentions
even though i don't always make
the best decisions

i really wanna drown with you
thats all i wanna do

i am nothing special
i'm a little speck in your peripheral
nothing to worry about
nothing to stress over
nothing to care for
just a little speck
with feelings


                                                      ­              




                                              ­                                                                 ­        ˑ
                                                                                       ᶤ ˢʷᵉᵃʳ ᶤᵗ ᵈᵒᵉˢᶰ'ᵗ ʰᵘʳᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵐᵘᶜʰ

i used to cry
seeing what was left of us
but now i know
i should've expected as much
apply enough pressure
and a bubble is bound to burst
my mistake was
assuming it wouldn't hurt
a miscalculation
on my part
but i believed in us
with my whole heart
and i'll never apologize
for being weak
love is going forward
accepting that you'll bleed

pain peeling like old paint
shedding onto the ground
the little chips make a mess
but i don't have the patience for them now
i walk around the falling pieces
trying to focus on whats underneath
but learning to be a new color
is harder than you'd think

it's my nature to apologize
like its my job to hold open the door
for people who chose slam it
in my face
i'm tired of being sorry
for things i'm not even sorry for
out here hurting feelings
that were never my responsibility in the first place

always holding my tongue
for the sake of peace
why must i be numb
to enjoy your company

just don't understand
but i don't care to at this point
you talk too much as is
i hear crazy things when i'm out
too self aggrandizing to
be at peace with your own choice
that anger has done you no good
but you stand by it even now

you're never gonna learn
and that's why your unhappy
pushing me away
to prove what exactly

you do what benefits you
then say it's what's best for me
afraid to lose somebody
you tried to force into your life
i don't have it in me
focused on my own needs
you want something impossible
an effort i cannot provide

because i'm not stuck on you
the way you've clung to me
got too comfortably rude
and lost my company

and i don't care if you have any regrets
i waited a very long time
tried to be there even when every bone
in my body begged me to leave
but you never changed and even if you do
i'm no longer invested in your life
you really expected me to tolerate your ****
must've never thought much of me

my room is a museum of the last night you were here
it never was really much
keep staring at your shirt on the floor
i cant bring myself to pick it up
its an understatement to say the last couple days
have been rough

but imma just let it go
why blow up your phone
you wanna be alone
you said so

you texted me to ask when it'd be okay
to come and get your stuff
whenever is best for you
but be careful of what you touch
broken hearts have sharp edges
and it'd be a shame if you were cut

bleeding on the ground
stains we couldn't wash out
willingly i would drown
but that doesnt matter now

if i ask a question,
will you give me the answer?
if i fall apart,
will you put me back together?
if i give you this moment,
will you cherish it forever?
if i talk, would it ruin this?
would my silence make it better?