pull my backpack over my shoulder
and stifle the tears
not one **** friend
in four ******* years
all you did it
finally pushed me to the cliff
questioning if the the jump would hurt
and other what ifs
i don't wanna die
i just don't wanna feel so unloved
bullied and pushed and discredited
never ever enough
i thought once it was over
i'd be free of the panic
now i'm just alone
and i'm awfully manic
reliving those years
of rejection and pressure
feels like i'll be in
highschool forever

sometimes
when you try really hard
and nothing happens
it makes you wanna quit
and i can't tell you any different

i just wanna make an impact
but i'm just not enough
to be who i want to be
so i won't tell you who to be

so don't tell me to hold on
keep faith and all that bs
your words won't change how i feel
i just wanna change the world
but the world keeps changing me

you break me 
to fix me
you leave me 
to miss me
you hurt me
and trick me
and lead me on
just to kiss me
just to fight
and to quit me
to come back
and forget me
to remember
and find it fitting
to say you love me
then you're just kidding
all this back and forth
just makes me dizzy
you hate my guts
then call me pretty
i'm so confused
as each wave hits me
you don't want me
but you're with me
why do you stay
if you resent me
all this indecision 
must keep you busy

they say it's easy to be ungrateful
for things you don't know that you have
now that you're out of my life
and i have my sense of calm back
i will never
take advantage of it again
you were a disgusting liar
but disguised yourself as a friend

i'm pretty sure i'm sick
but who cares
this cough is gonna **** me
but i guess i'll fare
so used to being on my own
i guess i'm not surprised
how when i actually need some help
none will materialize

tired of praying you'll remember me
and hoping you'll be who you said
hypnotized too long by how things were
woke up crying in my bed
i lost something through this
refuse to lose any more
i'm tired of being outside
waiting for you to open the door
tired of being cold
because you left me alone
sick of you reaching out
once i'm comfortable on my own

so i'm locking you out
like you did me
it's not right
but its necessary
it *****, doesn't it
but what else can i do
you're just now finding out
what its like being 'loved' by you

i'm tired of feeling
the doubt in my faith
like every ounce of joy
equates to a metric ton of pain

are you happy
with where you are
now that stabbed me
in the heart

cause now i'm bleeding and crying
i'm scared that i'm dying
claim oversimplifying
but you're just denying

pretending i'm fine
is really hard
you took this fight
way too far

cause now i'm bleeding and crying
and you're mad at me for prying
now that i know you're lying
how is this suprising

don't need to say what's been said
or shoot to **** something that's been dead
for awhile and we both know it

i took a shot and you made a bet
made me regret the little care i had left
spoiled my special moment

this was suppose to be my time to rise
finally have intent in my stride
but you saw opportunity in my pride
you ruined me in my prime

as the clock strikes the hour
dizzy on the power
you bid yourself adieu and take off

it's unfair but what can i do
too late to challenge you
just wait till you get caught

not afraid to meet my maker
was no saint but never wavered
as despicable as your behavior
evils just in your nature

sometimes i think about what life would be like
if we hadn't lost you and the life you deserved to live
and while it's not productive to pander
and break my heart over and over
considering all the what ifs

i wish with all my heart that it would've been me
if i could trade my life for you to have a fair chance i would
no doubt and i wouldn't regret it not one bit
but that's fanfare
and impossible to achieve

so instead today i want to think about what you gave me
the lessons i've learned in your absence
because you loved me and i know you'd want me to keep trying
and that doing less than my best would be shameful
and make your suffering null

i live with a purpose
and i love for a reason
and i am grateful even when i'm jaded

i choose to be kind
and remember to give grace
even when i'm over the world and clouded by hatred

and while it's not what i wanted
i'm glad to be on the other side
seeing what i was so blind to before

so its not a waste
and you should rest easy
knowing you gave me something to live for

i still miss you
every ******* day
and i still don't pray
but i repeat your name
everytime i wanna quit
and give up and walk away
know that you did that
it's because of you i'm saved

i didn't know love before you left me
and its a shame
but i have that knowledge know
and i wont stop drilling it into my brain

thank you

seriously
there is no point
for me to
wake up
if
at the end
of the day
i cry
myself
to
sleep
because
i
have to
wake up
the next day.

i hate my life.

blurry
not in a hurry
trying to remain
unworried

but the more we talk
and the more i stalk
the more i wanna
cut this off

don't wanna be a ****
but i'm trying to save you as much
heartbreak as i can
since i don't know what i want

tired of reaching out
tired of holding it in
tired all the ******* time
tired but i still come in
tired is written all over my face
tired is threaded through my soul
tired of breathing, of waiting, of bleeding
tired but i make my way home
tired of hurting
tired yet the pain keeps me awake
tired organs and worn out feelings
tired enough to fade away
tired tired tired tired
tired of living and crying
tired of finding new reasons
tired enough to stop trying

ignore my words
but at least read my lips
can't afford to waste anymore
bargaining chips
don't want to be harsh
but i need you to try
this is a conversation
with only one side
i mean if you're not gonna listen
please just watch
if you can't discern my ramblings
at least witness the pain you've caused

hot wind blows through my hair
i was angry before i didn't care
the circumstances left me bare
and i just had to leave it there
my hopes and dreams for us two
all the love i had for you
fades from black and blue
i'm experiencing something new
more surreal and vivid than i ever have
i wished that you had had my back
but now i never want what we had back
why would i settle for that
when i see something brighter on the horizon
my energy as a whole has brightened
the burden of nurturing others lightened
fresh and free and so excited
each day that passes makes it further away
flowers blooming on a months old grave
i'd never have known if i had stayed
i dont wanna sleep anymore days away

finally
i want to be awake for this next part
the future is almost

i don't feel pretty
i feel ugly ugly ugly
back up before i scream
stop trying to hug me hug me hug me
i don't understand why you
have to be so touchy touchy touchy
you don't know me
so stop saying you love me love me love me

it's really sad if you think about it
how fast we burned to nothing
thats why i don't think anymore
so if you're running out of reasons trust me
there goes another one
add it to the pile of flaws i've accrued
in this process of trying to become
loved by you
walking away with nothing but my pride
in the end
wouldn't dare reach out now
or bear to call you a friend
it's easy to say it now
but you would've never said it then
you didn't even have those kind of thoughts
and haven't had them since
you would be the world's biggest liar
if you tried to say you felt the same
you're sparing no feelings and frankly i'm insulted
how easily you could lie to my face

i forgot how it felt to love you
i forgot how you used to make me feel
i forgot the touches and whispers
i forgot being head over heels
i forgot you moving on
i forgot the pain of missing you
i forgot how you left with her
when you finally had to choose
i forgot the heart ache
now i see you as a close friend
but sometimes i still wonder
if i could even love you like that again

best friend to the worst
all you had to do was not mess up
i did the forgiving
the accommodating
cleaned up the messes
soothed your nerves
deescalated the tantrums
prevented the meltdowns
ALL
YOU
HAD
TO
DO
WAS
not **** it up
not lie
not forget
not leave

take that finger
and point it at yourself
i did nothing but dote on you
and try to offer my help
so quick to shift the blame
and pin it on everybody else
got that self inflicted pain
from causing all this hell

how am i being paranoid
when everything happened the way i thought it would
you ask about my feelings
not to help but to make yourself feel good
and give me pseudo solutions
that fix none of the issues
so when i'm still struggling
you can hit me with the 'maybe i can fix you'
you don't even wanna know me
just like the validation i oft provide
i'm good at making you feel good
and that's enough to keep things nice
but you would never choose me
in fact i'm not even a second thought
the second it's not easy to bounce off me
you question why my vibe is off
my feelings are flexible for you
as you've shown time and time again
i'm sensitive and you just hurt
get confused when you claim i'm your friend

hopeless they say
ask me if i'm okay
the songs i play
make them question my mental state

swear that i'm fine
mean it at the time
but when i go home that night
i finally realize

maybe i do believe in fairytales
and i am waiting for my prince charming
that i wanna be a beauty to a beast
a bunny to a darling

maybe i do believe in true love
that i don't have to die alone
maybe i go about it wrong at times
but i've always sought a shared throne

and maybe that makes me susceptible
and sensitive to rejection
but if i lose that hope now
i'd lose all direction

observing
the life you live without me
never realized
how much i didn't know

you're the
center of my being
the only friend i think
i'll ever know

you are
my everything
so how could i have
not known

i am a speck
in your world of wonders
while you are my
entire globe

man i'm tired of being sad
my eyes are sore from crying
it has to get better eventually
so that's why i keep trying

i'm the one whose unhappy
does that warrant a change
am i being dramatic
or is there weight to what I say
genuinely asking because i
can't tell if i'm being hard to please
or if there's nothing wrong with what i asked for
and these are basic human needs
like who am i, please tell me
so i can act accordingly
if there's something wrong on my end
i'll fix it immediately
just help me please
because this hurts so bad
and i don't want you to know me
for just being sad
i dont want you to loathe me
for always holding back

you don't question blessings
so i let it slide
seemed too good to be true
but i didn't mind
wanted to be part of something great
so i didn't look into the lies
never wanted us to change
so i turned aside when i chose to cry

because i didn't want to shatter the fantasy
with the doubts i fostered
i was swallowed in thoughts
but tried to seem unbothered
you were all i wanted
a dream i felt i manifested
you pushed me away
and i couldn't process it

couldn't accept
that you didn't love me
couldn't believe
you would just leave
but here we are
and yes you did
i hate you for
doing this
for reopening wounds
and not meaning i love you
now i got trust issues
romantically *******

think i'm mad
out of control
crazy upset
whatever butters your roll
i'm going lightspeed
and that challenges your morals
concerned like it's a high salary position
but i'm okay with not being "normal"

when i was young
i used to love the idea of storytelling
in fact i told a few of my own

but all of the lies
caught up to me eventually
and out of those tall tales i've grown

sure you can trick em
a good couple times
but then they will get sick of the joke

why would
anybody laugh at a punchline
that they already know

what is the implosion of hope of living a good life
when the expectation was that i'd be rotted by now
in an ideal world, next to my brother
under a nice patch of grass and deep in the ground
but he sits in a box on a very high shelf
and my oldest brother takes him down once a year
weeping countrywide like the drunks we are
tears spilling and he finishes his beer

what's left of our brother returned to his birds eye view
August is coming so fast i don't know what to do
but revert to pretending youre still out there somewhere we cannot find
because that's easier to swallow than saying goodbye
for the thousandth time

i'm so alone

inescapable
clearly incapable
of respecting my energy

every time i'm excused
i run smack into you
and relive the memories

above all your drama
overcame that mountain of trauma
better off ignoring the bait

so i exit without a parting
not concerned with the rumors your starting
i'll just keep going my way

if i am holding the door open why would you tear through a wall
storm off if you want but don't say its my fault
i want you here but i wont give you an ultimatum
i give you second chances but can't force you to take them

if
it really happens
was it ever really a what
if

i
love
overreacting
very much so i'd say
everyone would agree
although i hate them all
there are times i think to myself
these are the people who make my life
easier by noticing what i need someone to
no they may not make me happy all the time
this is a fact but that is not necessarily a bad thing
its almost perfect even if you try to think about it all
oh but it is exactly what i have wanted from the beginning
no one of the face of this planet could try and take it from me now