don’t hate me
i will try to do the same
but i can’t make any promises
i am in pain
i don’t want to hurt
but i want to see you cry as well
after all the tears i’ve wasted
and how much you’ve made me hate myself
please don’t hate me
i will never really mean this
without the thought of you to soothe me
my lonesome nights are dreamless

crowded and alone
lonely and alone
you'll never feel like you belong
until you find a home

haven't gave in in a while
but i'm too weak to keep being strong at the moment
i know i'm not weak for showing emotion
but the second i do there's the notion
that i'm unstable for being tired
or that because i'm tired you can't be tired
i never said that but what i say doesn't matter
i agree to disagree and i'm wrong and a habitual liar
however you want it at this point honestly
nothing but submission will appease you
and that's something i just won't do
so you force me to stay and try to argue
over things sane people don't argue about
you claim disrespect when i just won't bow down
i don't call you stupid for your beliefs
but you constantly hound
me for existing because in my indifference i spite you
which i will never understand to be frank
i don't try to change people because it's not my job
i just wanna make the world a better place
in the ways that i can and i don't know how that is yet
you judge me for not having all the answers
just because you can ask opposing questions and create doubt
doesn't mean you win or you're right it just means you can pander
i could make exceptions all day
and push hypotheticals to the limit
but i'm just tired and wanna go to bed
but unless i change my mind you refuse to end it

i build it up in my mind
so grand and tall and unreal
it rises as i stand on top
thrilling yet scary to feel

and when our time is cut short
and it becomes do or lie
i give you a hug
for the very last time

ousted from my safety
made to walk the plank
so off the tower i go
though i wanted to stay

you'd think i'd be crushed like a bug
but you see it's all in my head
so the time i could feel this way
could just never end

never needed one
so there is no floor
there is no you
not anymore

but if it's all my imagination
why don't i just fly away and forget
i wonder everyday
as i lose my sense of direction spiraling in the pit

asked if i'm okay
i wish i knew
the answer to that question
i'm just swimming in ocean
of nothing
but raw and devouring emotion

drowning in thought
i push against the tide
but it draws me in
against my will
my lack of sense of self
the weight that secures the ****

no anchor to latch onto
or home to run towards
drifting further away
floating out to sea
might be that last time
someone ever sees me

so i'll let the current **** me in
no use in fighting
myself
i'm too tired to make a point
it's easier to let go
and once again disappoint

they all want something from me
i'll never be someone anyone needs
you think you know what you want
you can really think you know someone
you really don't wanna be with me
i already know where this leads
i dont need anymore reasons to bleed
i'm fine with being lost at sea
you'll live without my company
you don't wanna be with me

i assure you

haven't met them yet
i'm sure
the one will take some time
i know

patience is a virtue
i'll learn
and for now it's not so bad
going alone

keep missing something i
never had
waiting for the planets
to align

just gotta keep being
myself
and it'll all come together
in due time

cause they're waiting too
just like me
for someone to finally
understand

to believe something else
is giving up hope
and to keep going on
i can't

there is love
without pain
these insecurities
won't define me forever

can't wait to shed the shame
i've been taught
being honest shouldn't be this
risky endeavor

always just to the side
never on the main 
taught me that i wasn't good enough
to be loved the same
because im not a keeper
im just some fun
not "wifey" material
could never be "the one"
always just a side
never really front and center
you avoiding the question
so you can still be with her
but how do you want us both
at the same time
you dont but you're selfish
and you take and you lie
you promise her the world
and promise me a good night 
i can only imgaine how it would feel
but i've kept my feelings to the side

feel a little dizzy
won't you please stay with me
i'm asking as a friend

the way i feel won't be an issue
i'm not distracted by how that shirt fits you
don't know when we'll be together like this again

just want cherish the moment
i miss you even if i don't show it
just wait a minute more

i know you've gotta go
before you do just let me know
if you ever think about before

cause this distance is a knife
i miss you in my life
cutting you out hurts so much

i've tried to keep my promise
but if i'm being honest
i don't know if i can keep this up

cause we see each other and just keep walking
right now it's a relief to finally be talking
after months of silent passing

know this a lot to divulge so fast
but i can't keep holding it all back
hope you can forgive the way that i'm acting

why do i have to be me
why did i have to be born
why did everything have to happen like this

why am i here
why is everything so hard
why did i ever have to exist

why why why
why can't i
be happy with life as it is

why am i stuck
why am i trapped
why must i lose my wits

why does it hurt so much
why can't i breathe
why should i continue to live

why do i ask why
why don't i understand
why can't any of my problems be fixed

why am i broken
why be so careful
why not let my bones snap like sticks

why does it look so nice from up here
why did i wait so long
why is it-

more than every bad decision
and the people you shouldn'tve been with
don't become their definition
or carry those words under your skin

have value beyond the things you can do
stop saying your truth is just an excuse
those problems are real to you
take a moment to tend to your wounds

no one deserves to feel so splintered
loving yourself doesn't make you self-centered
they'll still be hurtful when your thinner
halting the narrative doesn't make you bitter

be bigger than the ones who made you feel small
set your boundaries and repair your walls
you can't always do it all
but that doesn't make everything your fault

"You'll bleed for those kisses
And wonder why you're so pale."

Every last drop
till you're shaking and frail

Just to feel those lips
You'd die countless times

Living doesn't mean a thing
If you can't feel alive

And the only thing that stirs my soul
Is your  presence

As my addiction for your love grows
My will to fight this lessens

already confused all the time
and your confession isn't helping
i'm staring in the mirror
it's taking all my will to keep from melting
into the mold i despise
spilling over and ruining photos
developing to the role
your own quasimodo

the pain eclipsed my life
i was living in your shadow
i still miss you a little
more
ev
er
y
day
you were the sunshine in the morning
and moonlight saturating my dreams
i won't
fo
***
on
the
pain
the tides were always gonna rise
just didn't expect to drown so fast
i won't forget who you were
be
fore
you
went
a
way
we will meet again
it is written in the stars
but for now it is dawn and
i
will
have
to
wait

barely breathing
they tell me to stop screaming
am i thinking out loud

don't trust what i'm seeing
terrified with all of my being
to ever let it out

reel it back in
before my song traps them
a siren is cursed to be alone

i knew it would happen
just never fathomed
the way the sadness would leaden my bones

making it harder to leave
each time they trust me
though i know very well

i'm not what they need
with my deadly melodies
i just hate to be by myself

i fear nothing
but i'm afraid when you leave
you're the light in my life
when you aren't here
darkness surrounds me

so please just stay a little longer
just a minute for me my love
brighten up my darkest days
warm and welcoming
my morning sun

give me something to look forward to
be my reason to abandon the night
isolation only gets us so far
illuminate me with your presence
make me feel alive

i’ve got to consider the way that you feel
but i have to acknowledge the pain that you’ve caused
stuck in a paradox
choose to live up to my message or my actual thoughts
i wish this was easier
put my feelings on pause

room of walls made
to sit and wait

going a little stir crazy
seems to grow smaller daily

inch by inch it recedes
the walls are closing in on me

it's not okay but what can i do
destined to be stuck in this room

a little too tired
to make it through the day

a little too sad
to seem like i'm okay

a little too crazy
to accept you walked away

a little too everything right now
to deal with this pain

rub my eyes
die a little inside
roll out of bed

gonna keep building this life
like i'm not always
wishing i was just dead

if i sanded my edges
swallowed my pride
sought redirection
put in the time

i wonder if it might be different

if i knew better then
trusted intuition
recognized the signs
curbed indecision

if our boundaries didn't collide

do you still see the future
is it still a blinding white
or did it vanish when i did
like i turned off the light
do you miss me just a little
or suppose it wasn't all in vain
do you want to remember
or do i just feel that way

hanging my jacket
the living room's empty
the last door clicks
and then it all hits me

all my efforts were fruitless

who am i
to think that we could do this
the ease of your absence
all but proves it

and i should have tried to take it gently

but it was still unsure
yet familiar at the same time
i reached for what i knew
but my affections were denied
i couldn't talk to you
or make things alright
it was either the truth
or self-degrading lie

and in all honestly
if it didn't end so ugly
i wouldn't have left it there
i could've made something from nothing

and i bet you'd still put rocks in my pockets

so i'll avert my eyes
try to change the topic
hide my hands
embrace the caustic

i'm still learning that you didn't love me

tested the waters
dipped in my toe
for me it's just
a bit too cold
but it senses my warmth
and craves to consume me
to cover every surface
make me part of it's sea
but i pull back
afraid of the sudden obsession
the ocean rages and threatens
with me not in its possession
i'm scared to leave it
because it just needs a friend
but it wants to drown me
as soon as i wade in

holding you
so close
i breathe
and you hear my thoughts
as your heartbeat
escapes your chest
and transforms to
a shimmery feeling
just below my fingertips
so i pull you closer
breathing in your presence
feeling secure
muttering nonsense against you skin
so you laugh
so i laugh
and you say you love my smile
but i don't
so i turn away
but you turn me back
and you look at me
through me even
so i look back
and i smile
and i exhale
i let go
i lay my head on your chest
and we're back where we started
and i'm holding you
so close
i breathe
and you hear my thoughts

i love you too

it's been raining inside all week
and i would just go out
if it were that easy
if there was a way to calm myself down

but there is no level of life
that doesn't freak me out right now
if i just keeled over
it wouldn't sound so bad by now

to close my eyes
and cease the days
but people need me
and i'm supposed to fix the things i break

and its ungrateful and ugly
to feel that way
but i'm stretched thin and useless
or it just feels that way

i feel the plastic warping
as it refuses the oxygen to my brain
i feel the sting in my wrists
as a blade dissects my veins

i don't do it
but i still feel it every single day
i think about it constantly
my dreams redirected with pain

the people around me
don't feel the same
pushing kids or god or impossibilities
when we are not the same

and when i leave
i'll be wrong for following myself
but i never really felt like i belonged
with everybody else

its been raining inside all week
and i'd go out if i thought it'd help
but it doesn't and it's worse in a million different ways
what even is mental health

i watch through the peephole
then double check the lock
i know i made you a promise
but i gotta call it off

might just rot on the couch
after everything is gone
and when someone needs something
the house will echo a strangers knock

but thats just wishful thinking
i might just ignore it
but honestly
probably not

i could sit here and curse you
but it wouldn't be honest
held on to us so tight
that when you left me i lost it
and when i fell in the spiral
you watched as i circled away
with the tears and reasons
then plugged up the drain
so i sit in my darkness
alone for the first time since we met
and i oscillate between emotions
anger sadness regret
stuck in a cycle
of wanting to return to what's safe
then remembering that now
it could never be the same
so i sit in the black hole
that was once us
and choke on my tongue
burn it with love
a word i don't think i know
enough to have used it so freely
that's why i'm thrashing around
as the last of it leaves me

and i know it's not the end of the world
but i'm hyperventilating and my vision is cracked
i'm too young to feel so chewed up
yet everything fades to black
almost died for something i never had
and i cry as i spread my brother's ash
i'm not special and i know that
the world is gonna get a whole lot smaller
before it's get bigger and i know that
and i know i've still got so much to learn

i could sit here and curse you
but it wouldn't be right
i'm valid in my pain
but it's no reason to fight
cause i'll never be proud
of making do than doing well
and hating you with all my soul
won't make me love myself
in this time of fortitude
i want to do more than cling to my weapons
being brave doesn't mean 'winning'
maybe letting go is the best lesson

a connoisseur
with impeccable taste
not one to indulge
yet i licked the plate
you're made with something special
that i can not resist
how am i suppose to live
now that i've felt like this

this in debt feeling feels heavy
no turning back
bills and responsibilities
no more time to relax
scary to know childhood is over
that this is how it will be now
but i like being aware of the change
so i don't crash before i even leave the ground

i strayed from the truth
and hid under a mask
resisted the process of moving on
and was swallowed by my past
then i came back to these words
and i saw who i used to be
i ached to be someone's number one
but writing is my only true release
i abandoned my refuge
to chase after a liar
my burning passion for expression
largely out rules my spontaneous desires

tangled thoughts
and twisted sheets
muggy nights
and empty streets
running around
like juveniles
we know better
but we stay for a while
and have our stolen kisses
in the dead of night
using up our
borrowed time
we know it'll be short
so we try to keep it sweet
we let ourselves get lost
in the heat of things
why slow down
when the end is so close
only the stars and the streetlights
have to know
friends for a lifetime
lovers for a season
let's have a little fun
before it finally sinks in

i dont wanna lie
i hate to
but i'm not really lying
i just can't face you
i admit it
i'm scared
i've given so much of myself
to people who just didnt care
but i'm past that now
and i can do my best
i just need you to keep me from falling out of step
and making a mess
i wish i could see myself
through your eyes
then i maybe i would feel
like it's not all a lie
i dont know
i make no sense
it doesnt make
a difference
all i am saying
is that im afraid 
that i will make
a dumb mistake
forgive me for
my indiscretion 
my secrets are all i have
in my possession

https://www.flipsnack.com/SierraVincent/mdma-book.html

i see the storm clouds rolling in
should probably head back in
but my afternoon has just begun
and i didn't get to see anyone
i'm being stubborn and careless
just to be out on the terrace
soaking up the last of dancing rays
in the last of my suffering days
i really oughta close the window
but i like how it feels when the wind blows
i didn't feel anything for a long long time
and its selfish but who cares if i die
at least i died free
if it were following my wishes
the last you'd see of me

what you want
what you got
who i am
who i'm not
she's not real
but boy did she try
insecure i bet
but so am i
hating myself for
not being someone else
could guarantee this isn't good
for my mental health