you burn everything you touch
flames licking every surface
with your fingerprints littered all over my body
i turn to ashes in a furnace

ugly words from pretty mouths
i don't fit in with your crowd
you're better when you are alone
better when we talk on the phone
because then i don't have to see the distraction
i'm nothing important next to the main attraction
i love you i do but it's hard as hell
loving you makes me hate myself
because i don't feel like i have significance
each embrace reeks of indifference
i know part of you cares but it's not the same
as me worshipping the words that you say

i'm gonna be who i said i'd be
you can't take this away from me

i want to do what feels right
so i need to force you out my mind

i won't let my will go to waste
over your changing feelings and distracting face

it meant a lot but now it's done
you haven't reached out in months

so why am i still invested
even at all interested

exactly
and that's why i am done

not a drop of patience
but you got me waitin
looks like you forgot
not gonna make it

but that's okay
i'll still stay
pretending you dont mean it
makes me feel less pain

i never used to act so crazy
somethings got a hold of me lately
sometimes i wanna leave
but i'm scare that you'll hate me

gotta remind myself
that it's okay to be different
but i can't help but wish
that i was one of them

zero patience
no remorse
what should i be sorry for

you made your choice
seemed so sure
didn't have to slam the door

on your way out
it's too charged now
bad taste in my mouth
don't try to turn around now

you spit in my face
made a disgrace
of every promise you made
i have no need to save
you from your fate
the architect of your pain
laughing as i walk away

i don't mean to disappoint you
i can only try my best
what use it for me to pour out my soul
when you focus on the flaws of my flesh
what can i say
what should i do
how do i impress
when will what i give be enough
when will i deserve a rest
i'm so tired
but i can't sleep
a toxic cocktail of anxiety and stress
trying to show all of these people i how much i care
but they don't care that i'm a mess
the pick me apart from the way i think
to how i'm forced to dress
i've studied all of their actions to get it right
but i still don't pass the test
sometimes it feels like
i'm the only sane person left
or maybe i'm the one that's crazy
maybe that's why i don't have friends
maybe the reason they are scared like me
is cause they don't hear the things the demon just said
no one else has to deal
with monsters
like the ones inside my head
just reminding me of all the the things
i messed up
and will mess up soon instead
criticizing myself for not being more like them
all of the voices of those who don't believe me merge
telling me how we'd all be better off if i was dead

my body isn't mine
i'm trapped inside an object
of affection to whoever wants to
take their shot

given away
like a present
everyday is christmas
except it's not

broken from abuse
in disrepair from overuse
it's funny for them
to watch

drag myself home
into my hole
mourn my innocence
that is nothing more than rot

carrying around the sadness
everyone's sees my baggage
it's like carrying a suitcase
full of rocks

when you've been hurt as much as me
you learn to go to your happy place
away from the pain
safe in your thoughts

where the monsters can't touch it
because they've soiled everything else
ruined and stained
perfectly round blood drops

i'm like a ragdoll
to toss around
and play games
where i'm not allowed to stop

stuck in a fetal position
scared to leave my room
screaming into my pillow
remembering the childhood i lost

torn and exposed
told i deserve it because i let myself go
should be lucky for the
unwanted attention i've caught

Oh
Oh no no no
You chose to let go
You chose to let go
                   Shame
                   What a **** shame
                   You had to play
                   These stupid ******* games
                                                           ­  Please
                                                          ­   Just leave me be
                                                             When I feel your touch
                                                           ­  It leaves me empty

i get the birthday crown
flashing billboard screaming
COME SAY SOMETHING
even when i don't really want them to

storm cloud on a sunny day
looming and impending rain
washing over us with never ending pain

a darkness i brought
a guilt you took on
but i promise that none of this is your fault

we head separate ways alone
there's things about the other we'll never know
when i got scared i should've said so

there was so much i let get in the way
in a different world we would be okay
but people grow and people change

in the darkness i brought on us
you were light and calm and warm and trust
but the storm turned out to be too much

ran out of power
things went **** in an hour
sweet memories turn sour

we were great now we're in tatters
who knew effort mattered
only a **** reality to have after

self destructive and i'm not gonna fight it
i've lost my purpose and i'm tired of trying to find it
this isn't living and i'd barely call it surviving
i'm gonna go now and don't worry about trying find me

I dream of where our skin could meet
I feel it in my deepest sleep
When you’re not here, as you’ll never be
I start to crave; I find I need
Your warmth and words to comfort me
I wish I had your company

tell me it will be fine
say anything at all
i'm always listening to you
but do you hear me?

when i whisper i can't
my mind echoes with i give up
do you hear me cry at night?
tear-soaked sleep

i dare not dream of waking up
to face another drowsy day
where it hurts to get up
and be who i'm supposed to be

with all the giggle and the laughter
a pinhead of light in a flood of dark
but when i burn out
who will brighten the night for me?

i wait for a flicker
but the darkness continues to suffocate
after all of my sacrifice
will no one come to save me

i'm just so sad
it's like i forgot how to be anything else
it consumes me
there's nothing to want when i don't have what i need

please
just find me
release me
I CAN'T ******* BREATHE
what's wrong with me
why can't i just be happy

why can't i be honest
and unashamed
this isn't a fight
or me trying to blame
you for all this hurt
or pin you for my pain
its just about saying
what i need to say

it's not about trying to hurt you
or all about me
it's just saying how i feel
then hearing what you think
but i can't help but feel bad
as i begin to speak
this is more awkward than i thought
my voice sounds so weak

don't wanna make things bad
or help them get any worse
i just wanna sit you down
and share a couple words
i love what we've made here
so i wanna make it work
so if you wanna do the same
don't let me go unheard

because i feel like i'm out in the cold
and i'm  gonna die from a lack of movement
when i see things i shouldn't
i shrink into nothing and feel stupid
like why did i ever think
you would wanna do this
all i'm saying is if you really want this
i need you to prove it

unexcited
unrequited
fell too hard
constantly reminded
but you seem fine
clear of mind
not wasting one bit
of your precious time

and even though it's killed me to get to this point

i'm excited
that i may never see you again
can't deny it
no longer made to endure your toxic friends
i'm so excited
to never see you again
unrequited
love meets a bearable end

tried to hide it
but i was vibrant
a future that
you never sighted
all seemed fine
peace of mind
till i realized
the dream was mine

and though you tried to blame by saying it was my choice

i'm excited
that i may never see you again
can't deny it
no longer made to endure your toxic friends
i'm so excited
to never see you again
unrequited
love meets a bearable end

i'm dancing like a drunkard
in an empty street
lit shittily by some yellowed lamp posts
looking stupid but feeling free
every step feels wrong
but i move like i'll die if i dont
in the night i fall over myself
trying to feel what i don't show
to them it all seems so clear
they think they've seen it all
vulnerable as i have been
there's a lot hiding behind these walls
so i'm spinning like a ballerina
tears cascading and dripping to the floor
everything i have is nothing
compared to what i had before
i do the huge leap and land in a crumple
i crash and burn and i succumb
it's hard to look back and not collapse
i know i'm still young
but i walk on these mauled feet
and write with these mangled hands
always picking at the wound so it can't heal
never had a chance
tip toeing and twirling pointedly
pretending this pain hasn't torn into me
the ****** hooks are finally ripping away
and all the maggots are pouring out; just wriggling
it feels good to be free of all that hatred
but it hurts to see the world as it is
god i wish i could just go back
to being a kid

inside jokes
aren't what you laugh at now
think enough time has passed
so you come around
or you got bored
and i'm easy to find
when she finds the exit
from your life
this second choice thing
eats into me
you don't understand
why i'm afraid to speak
thought there was trust here
but you never even tried
if you saw it play out
from my eyes
maybe it would all
make sense
why i choose distance
over being your friend

it's not that i hate you
it’s how i hate feeling like
you are never really present

i tell you all these things
but your eyes are all glossy
and i wonder why i even said it

like why waste my breath
or my time
just so you can get the message

you blame me for feeling alone
when you are always on
a mental vacation

crying because i don't feel like i am enough
ugly both inside and out
just sitting here thinking about how i can't do this
how i should end it all here, right now
because i'm failing all my classes
because i forgot to do the work
because i fell asleep
because i got hung up at work
because my parents told me to get a job
or it wasn't gonna work
and i can't stand to chance another day
tired of waiting to see what's next
pain pain pain and a little bit more
so tired that i take a rest
and i sleep through their calls
because i only feel the hurt
from the medicine i'm forced to take
that really doesn't work
if anything it only seems
to make everything worse
and my parents blame me for everything wrong
and how better of the earth
would be without me
and how acceptance is not something i deserve
i am tired
too tired
to try to make it work

fast forward a couple weeks
hearing nothing from me
you're not too stressed
probably for the best
know that it's been tense
thought we were more than friends
that was my mistake
you don't even seem see the pain
all you know is i'm gone
probably wondering what you did wrong
i wanna say it was all in my head
our messages suggest otherwise instead
maybe you're not confused
maybe you're full aware of what you do
maybe i'm reading into this too much
maybe i shouldn'tve gotten my hopes up

been a few months now
thought you would've came around
maybe i was too quick to shut **** down
fighting the urge to reach out

so i do
hi how are you
it's strange
regret the choice i made
you wanna **** me in
to your world again
aborting this mission
you double down on my decision
i say goodbye
you ask me why
tell me i've been acting weird
demand an answer now that i'm here

and i realize i don't trust you with my feelings

you made me feel safe
then took that away

when i look at you i see a mask
i love myself enough to never go back

inside my mind
i imagine
throwing it all into the fire
and forgetting it all
the clothes off my back
a fresh start
of sorts?

but is the inherent value
of all that ive built
worth trying to restore its former glory

or i'm pouring even further into a sunken cost

is it harder to kiss it all goodbye
or to realize i never should have left

careful with your words
opening a can of worms

easy does it champ
you already had you chance

to justify your actions
free from all distractions

you made your mistake twice
i won't repeat mine

you don't deserve my kindness
when you've already abused my blindness

dread spilling over the edge
of this cheap wooden table
pooling on the floor

i know better than to speak
but you won't leave me be
you continue to implore

you don't respect my energy
you don't even see
the ways i struggle

just believe i'm up to no good
only here to disappoint
just asking for trouble

don’t hate me
i will try to do the same
but i can’t make any promises
i am in pain
i don’t want to hurt
but i want to see you cry as well
after all the tears i’ve wasted
and how much you’ve made me hate myself
please don’t hate me
i will never really mean this
without the thought of you to soothe me
my lonesome nights are dreamless

it's beyond the need to feel pretty
or feeling fat and ugly
it's that feeling in my gut
that says no one will ever love me
because i just feel unlovable
i feel like i could be easily replaced
nothing too special about me to miss
they're probably tired of seeing my face
it's easier to just not care
so that's what they do
why put in effort
when i'll do it for you
and there's a few who try
but it's all cluster ******
they do it for themselves
so it's not really love
they're preying on my need
to feel understood
i'm scared of those people more
because they really think they are good

oh... i just feel unlovable
i hate how uncomfortable i am in my own skin
everytime i start to forget
the self-loathing monster creeps up again

i feel it burning down in my gut
when i see the facts all laid out
like i should've just known
and maybe i wouldn't have seemed like such a clown
too bad i guess
there's not much i can do now
but cry about it in the dead of night
and pretend it's okay when daylight comes around

i'm so tired
my eyes have rolled back
i can't focus on the words leaving your mouth
i respect you
i swear
its just that my brain is shutting down
you don't understand
i'm not trying to offend
in fact i wish it was any time but now
just give me space
let me drift away briefly
and i'll come back seeming as reasonable as i sound

i cant do this i cant breathe i cant stand the sight of me i cant listen to what you say i cant feel anything but this pain i cant take it anymore i give up

backing off before i fall off the edge
i need to be the one who cares less
or we can split it fair if that's cool with you
just don't wanna walk away again feeling used
or like i was just a pity **** when i reached out first
i don't really like being chased but that's never gotten me hurt
it's the chasing that ***** me over every time
i see what i want and it's close enough to touch but it's too soon to safely try

loving the way
these lines are blurred
love being wanted
love feeling heard
the simple act of remembering
has me floored
and if you feed a homeless cat
it'll come back for more
so you got me by the ear
got me feeling some kinda way
i'm drooling at your voice
i'm hypnotized by the words you say
and that feeling is slippery
but it's okay because i don't wanna wash it off
i wanna soak in this pleasure
till my hardened frown starts to go soft

crowded and alone
lonely and alone
you'll never feel like you belong
until you find a home