well ****
**** **** **** ****
gotta be who i said i would be
who i've actually been
but i feel it building up
and i  struggle to reel it in
this is why i never try
to be anyone's friend

one day older
but years have passed
since the last time i tasted your skin

last night was a dream
but its not right now
when will we meet again

i want to be patient
but there is something about you
that i can't unsee

it has a hold on my body
changing my mind
and i'm not sure what it means

i just need you now
i need you fast
i need you like never before

one last touch
oh yes another and another
is it fine if i ask for just one more

eager to leave
or ready to go
love or settling
i'll never want to know
cause if i don't really
care about you
i'll fixate and obsess
cause i won't accept the truth
but if i need you
i'll push you away
i'd rather feel pain now
and stop feeling so afraid
that you'll come to your senses
and leave me in the dirt
either way i do this
i am bound to get hurt

say it to my face
set the record straight
instead of letting me postulate
but, no, you're just gonna walk away

and let me sit here and debate
if i should choose love or hate
when if you could just mean what you say
there'd be a set of truths on which i could operate

instead you're proud of your cruelty
finding pleasure in the ****** up **** you do to me
closing in on my already shrinking sense of community
knowing just how much it will ***** with me

reveling in the mutiny
disappointment isn't new to me
but man you played the part beautifully
i really had no preception of this outcome truthfully

funnily enough today i was just cursing your name
someone mentioned you and reminded me of the pain
i pushed aside and bury everyday
even now i feel the venom in my veins

i tell the story again through my strain
how you abandoned me and left me to hang
how you have nothing to say to me so you say
how it wasn't supposed to be this way



but then you 'run into' all my 'friends'
and say it's nice to see them
sighing my how long it's been

but i don't to that to you
promptly mailed your stuff back too
you're the one who started acting brand new

and you know what's just peachy
after five months of chances to reach me
two and half to do this **** easily

there was a package on my porch when i got home
it was smashed and ugly and so overdue it is gross

you truly let us go
but you'll never say so

oh it's done now
i'm really kicked out
hurt your feelings
and you hurt mine
all we did
was waste each other's time
can't be cordial
or pretend to be nice
you raise your fist
i pull a knife
i can not stand down
not this time
why must i always
be the one to apologize
and now we're just drifting
apart faster everyday
you won't get to
see this pain
i hate you for not
seeing it in the first place
i say i don't mind
but that's just what i say
in all reality
i actually hate
that you continue to
smile to my face
then leave
and laugh behind my back
i'm sick of having
to retrack
find my place
and hope i won't relapse
it's *******
i never can relax
have to be concerned
with your fears and needs
while i am
silently suffering
you could
care less about me
i kiss your wounds
you watch me bleed
i memorize your voice
you leave me on seen
gone as far as
blocking me
i gave you years of my patience
and now you leave
**** this *****
because i wish you cared
but i got tired
of being scared
that you would leave
disappear into thin air
and you kinda did
but i know you're still there
you just chose
to be with them
those people you hate
that you call friends
you left me
again
i'm done crawling back
this time you'll repent
but you haven't
so this must be the end
**** this *****
i didn't want you to go
i wanted you to appreaciate me
to stop being an *******
just wanted you to
think about how all of this made me feel
you walked away
and it just doesnt feel real

i'm counting down the days to go
i'm marinating in thoughts
i'm chewing on the worst of them
as i burn a hole into the clock
with my drying eyes
and ache for this time to come to a close
i've sat here for long enough
i've entertained every sorrow i know

i can imagine them all huddled up
laughing at my misfortune
repainting the picture and denying my character
my actions warped and my words distorted
the blame falls down on me
like an anvil in a stupid cartoon
i'm unable to defend myself
but for their acceptance, why would i even want to?

i've been ready to leave for a good long while
but i held out to see if i was mistaken
but the proof found me and i protected myself
and that somehow made me satan
so yeah i walked away and i'd do it again
i deserve more than to be of use
i believed you and what did that get me
other than abandoned and misconstrued

so have your little party and vilify me
burn me at the stake if you please
my worst crime being reactive to the abuse
and finally choosing me
over phony peace i only had
when i would bend to your every whim
compromise was never an option
and you were never a friend

one plus one
does not equal two
i am not the one
who completes you

i love you
bunches
i love you
till death
i love you
like no one has ever loved before

i love you
though  i don't love myself
i love you
so why can't you love me back
i love you
and that should be enough

i love you
bunches
and then some

all caught up
in your fashion statements
voting your friends
for stupid superlatives

yeah you're def making waves
so influential babe
in two years you'll have one friend
and miss the good old days

peaked so early on
what's to look forward to now
when you can't use others to feel better
you world crumbles to the ground

strangers take up time
but they cant take your place
since we parted ways
i don't feel the same
talking to those nobodys
but they dont make
that stupid face
i secretly love but swear that i hate
wasting my breath
and taking up space
i try to dream to stay entertained
but i'm haunted by your face
just burning away chances
and left feeling drained
all the stupid things you say
hit a lil different and are followed by a sharp pain

no more
hands under shirts
sliding inside *******
wandering places
you don't belong
and can't be
i'm not even here
i'm too far gone
to be able to say what i mean
you push against my back
and try to let me know
how much you think you want me
i don't know how to feel
in the morning
everyone's still so charged
but i'm happy everyone's happy
even though this prickly feeling
has settled right here in my heart

U-turned on me, babe
Couldn’t wait out this ride
Now you’re ******* a stranger
Every other night
Trying to get me off your mind
Because you struggle with the idea
That I did love you
At some point in time
I did want you
Let all the memories of us
Haunt you
My presence will burn and my absence will
Taunt you

i do not nice things
i lie
i break hearts
i play games
i try things just to see
what would happen
even if i know it's not right
i let my feelings get hurt
i pretend i don't know what they've said about me behind my back
i pretend i don't hear the things i say in my mind
i do things to hurt people on purpose
when they've hurt me
i do not nice things
and i hate myself for it

i wonder who you see
the liar
the attention seeker
the cry baby
the failure
or the genius
maybe a beauty
even a kind person

i shouldn't compare myself so much
but i do
thats the sad truth
i feel like i lack so much
but somehow am better than the rest of you at once
this cognitive dissonance
it's like a nonstop battle
between self-loathing and self-indulgence

i just wish i could be happy
i get what i want
but its not what i wanted
i pray that i'll be happy

i'm sorry for being a bad friend

i don't regret
anything i said
nor do i
care to deny
that i was in the wrong
all along
i knew i'd face this hate
i did it anyways
i do not feel bad
if it makes you feel better you can hurt me back
i am not ashamed
i face this criticism unafraid
i chose this ending
i will do no defending
i broke the promise
i was dishonest
i told the lie
now i will pay the price
and as much as it *****
i find it hard to muster up
the fake tears
or act sincere
i am sorry for show
deep down I know
what i did was not a sin
and i am bound and willing to do it again
but to make you stand back
i retract

i bore my stripes today
like an open wound
obviously marked
immediately removed
from thought and consideration
as though the sight would end in bile
when a blade's edge margin defines conformity
who knows what tips the dial

my scars on display
not the people, places, and moments
that made me this way

like when you asked me to stay
only to abandon post and record over my presence
after rewiring my brain

your audience leaves me flayed
then further stung by stacked judgements
withheld until way too late

all of this is just to say
if you really felt that way
you should've just said so

okay
i'll breathe
or at least i will try
even though i know you
are
nt
co
ming
b
a
ck
i
c

nt
b
re

the
c
me
bk

if i hurt myself
will you flinch
we used to be like one
but now you're one of them
what happened
to us

i play with my food
then throw it away
the idea of nurturing myself disgusts me
and you're doing great
it's not the same
when there's no us

and maybe it's wrong
to carry on this way
but i don't feel weightless anymore
and my heart thinks you're to blame
one day i'm angry
and the next i'm depressed
today i've given up
hollow in the chest
sometimes i'm gracious
and i can see the good in it all
but today i'm feeding the negativity
i cannot say it's not your fault

and i hate it
but it's your fault
i shouldn't say it
but IT IS YOUR FAULT

𝘪𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘺

why do i make these choices?
why do i wake up
just to fall back asleep?

why do i love?
why do i care when it always
backfires on me?

why do i argue?
why do i hurt you
just because you don’t answer my questions?

why do i care?
why do i care?
power of suggestion

why do i come back
when i fought so hard to leave?
why do i go back and forth?

why do i even try
to make this relationship
work anymore?

it was just a period of time
where i let you into my life
and it felt so empty to try
now we avoid each others eyes
cause its awkward to realize
what we said in the dead of the night
could exist in the daylight

i don't cry anymore
missing you feels like being kicked in the stomach
every single part of this hurts
even though i guess its what i wanted

i dont regret protecting myself
or trying for as long as i did
i'm looking back now so unsure
and it distorts as i try to re-remember it

i'd like to say it's not the separation
but more about how you just packed up and left me
with not even a conversation or true warning
i still don't believe you'd just forget me

but as each new day passes
and you ignore my existence
i grow more accustomed to loneliness
coming to terms with it
it doesn't mean i don't miss you
even if i wish i didn't

to be just like you
surrounded and indignant
when you finally spoke up
you said you'd never need my forgiveness
i didn't want an apology
i just needed someone to listen

and from what i knew
i thought that could and would be you
but you won't see me anymore

slapped across the cheek
this is what you thought of me
maybe i have been weak
i needed to see what you see
to be chewed up and spit out
be stomped into the ground
to flinch at words from your mouth
needed to be shaken back to the reality of now

i sleep sometimes

but most of the time
i am thinking
i'm thinking thinking thinking
boy do i think
like about how tomorrow
i am going to be around
a bunch of people
i am pretty sure don't like me
or when someone will notice
that i listened
and did exactly as they asked
and i worry about
whether or not the people at work
even want me there
whether or not my friends
even want me
even like me

i sleep sometimes
but most of the time i think

i think i'm gonna be sick
i thought about it
and i realized something new
i've been doing that a lot recently

in the moment you can push on
but in hindsight every aspect can be magnified
individual actions scrupled upon
like never before

disssecting a microcosm of a major failure
who's i don't know
but i am realizing just how broken i am
and how much you never gave me
compared to how much you have to give

i wish i hadn't given it my all
not when you couldn't imagine what that's like
i'm having new realizations
but i keep asking who am i
i didn't have the chances to get so far
as to understand one singular thing about myself

hope you can appreciate all you have
and all you'll never feel

i'm in a prison of expectations
built by those i love
the happiness you bring never holds
i'll never feel like i am enough

same ****
different day
nothing changes
feeling gray

i thought i hid it so well

lo and behold, you caught me
  obviously i had it all wrong
    very well then
       everyone is probably laughing at me now
          don't worry my love you told me
  
you told me i have nothing to fear
  of course i know this was all an accident
    under no circumstances would you hurt me


until you did because

                                                        ­                                                           ʸᵒᵘ
                                                                ­                                            ᵈᶤᵈᶰ'ᵗ
                                                                ­                                      ˡᵒᵛᵉ          
            ­                                                                 ­                    ᵐᵉ              
                                                                ­                           ᵇᵃᶜᵏ

are we in love? are you? am i?
as charles once said, "for whatever love means"
as sincere as you may think you are,
it just means something different to me.

somewhere i'd swear
between freefall and impact
i'm using the opportunity
to find my way back
to the crack that
i crawled out from
detailing the path
to what i've become
using the story
to backtrace my soul
before i lose the powers
of the rabbit hole

pushing all the buttons
top floor
to rock bottom

elevator broken
i'm not moving
out of options

trying to make sense
out of how
i got here

this isn't funny anymore
i suddenly
fear

i didn't wanna
feel the pain
so i shut the door

wanted to forget
just live life
on a different floor

but i'm stuck
in the one place
i don't wanna be

the only place to go is
the only place
i wanna leave

i open my eyes
but i still feel everything
despite my every effort

have to blink again
maybe if i get some sleep
i might feel better

i'm just afraid
if i let go
i'll just be sitting there

staring out of the doorway
watching it happen
forced to stare

can't change the moment
the past is frozen
in itself

maybe it's my fault
never said no
still won't ask for help

i just wanna
get off on a different floor
and be okay

pressing all the buttons
but my situation
stays the same

have to remind myself my i'm not the things you call me
not weak for being exhausted
allowed to be hurt
allowed to feel
don't need to fight to just exist
but with you
i do
it's always something
i try to see your humanity
but i stopped loving you long ago
all i feel is cold now
there are things i hate you for
that i can not forgive
but i'm good at ignoring my feelings
thats the only way i have survived
i hate that its like this
but it is
i don't think we'll ever know each other
because you will never compromise
and i won't worship you
i'll respect you
but you won't respect me
and its that simple unfortunately
i hate it
i hate you
for hating me
you say you don't
but you despise me for not being complicit
for not being just like you
i'm sorry i guess
but not really
you're willing to hurt me to prove a point
and thats where you lose me
you're willing to hurt someone to be right
and i can't get behind that
i'm not sure anymore
just tired
and constantly belittled
and picked at
and pushed down
and held back
and blamed
for things i didn't do
and out of my control
cast as the object of your rage
the bane of your existence
everything you hate
my generation
and opposing beliefs
you just hate me
and won't admit it and it's tiring
if i pulled the same ****
you would ****** me in cold blood
and i know it
because you can't control your temper
how ironic
you always say i'm acting out
and being irrational
when you push me to my limit
but you're the one who can't handle reality
nothing will ever make you happy
so you make everyone else miserable
hope you're happy with that