no more lies
you don't have to hide
i'm here to show you the way

in the end its you're call
if you want to put up that wall
and not let me help with the pain

just know that i've tried
to see past your disguise
and there is something to be saved

but i wouldn't blame you at all
or put you at fault
because you are afraid

constantly saying you care
consistently proving you don't 

you talk a lot but 
your words don't add up
when your actions are judged alone

you feel the need to speak
but you only say things you cant promise

however
doing so just makes you seem silly
and paints you as dishonest

stop saying things you can't prove
the evidence is stacked

no matter what
you say or do
you can't win my trust back

have to remind myself my i'm not the things you call me
not weak for being exhausted
allowed to be hurt
allowed to feel
don't need to fight to just exist
but with you
i do
it's always something
i try to see your humanity
but i stopped loving you long ago
all i feel is cold now
there are things i hate you for
that i can not forgive
but i'm good at ignoring my feelings
thats the only way i have survived
i hate that its like this
but it is
i don't think we'll ever know each other
because you will never compromise
and i won't worship you
i'll respect you
but you won't respect me
and its that simple unfortunately
i hate it
i hate you
for hating me
you say you don't
but you despise me for not being complicit
for not being just like you
i'm sorry i guess
but not really
you're willing to hurt me to prove a point
and thats where you lose me
you're willing to hurt someone to be right
and i can't get behind that
i'm not sure anymore
just tired
and constantly belittled
and picked at
and pushed down
and held back
and blamed
for things i didn't do
and out of my control
cast as the object of your rage
the bane of your existence
everything you hate
my generation
and opposing beliefs
you just hate me
and won't admit it and it's tiring
if i pulled the same ****
you would ****** me in cold blood
and i know it
because you can't control your temper
how ironic
you always say i'm acting out
and being irrational
when you push me to my limit
but you're the one who can't handle reality
nothing will ever make you happy
so you make everyone else miserable
hope you're happy with that

frustratingly vague
uncomfortably intense
staying up everynight
going over it again and again
how does this make me feel
why does it make me act this way
who do i wanna be
is this the right decision to make
how will i be tomorrow
am i proud of who i was today
the past does but doesn't define me
what even is the change i wanna make
am i apologizing to be nice
or do i really regret what i did
am i just so scared to be alone
i call you a friend
shattering glass in a hall of mirrors
self constructed labyrinth of confusion
looking to myself not recognizing what i see
is it love or a fleeting delusion
do i want it to work out
was i hoping for the end since we met
deep down i can't feel myself
washed right over by questions i'll regret
seeing things in ways i didn't need to
just ask myself are you sure
when no one else cares and it swallows me easily
another rock in the pile and i just keep throwing more
until i'm on top of the mountain looking down
got so high so fast and it scares me
i'll make it down eventually
and even then barely
wonder if one day i'll go too far
and i will forget where i'm from and who i am
is this making any sense just trying to gather my wits
no one ever understands

i don't know how to make this more interesting
i've poured out all my thoughts
to try and make a friend

my rhymes aren't that good
my lines of reasoning are all right
but you will never see them trend

i'm not the kind of person
who learns the first time
i make the same mistake again and again

i keep writing away
pieces of myself to connect with you
but i still feel lonely even then

you were burning time
thought i was investing mine
oh couldn'tve been more wrong
now could have i

not saying you weren't genuine
but we didn't share the same sentiment
you just wanted company
unintentionally made **** intimate

i am just a human being
life goes on despite the season
feelings change without good reason
i love you but we're not meeting
where it really counts

in dreams i'm kissing other people
at parties i get too ****** up so you have to come get me
you can't tell me why you love me
and it makes it hard to sleep
guess i'm a problem now

two years in and i hate to think
that my consciousness is splitting as we speak
there may still be hope but we
don't wanna be the one to uproot the peace

we've found in the monotony and unwantedness
deep down i want to believe you are the one but something's amiss
you don't touch me the way that you used to
and i can tell exactly why i love you

long silence
i dont want to tell you how i feel
i don't think you'd understand
and worse
what if i hurt you

I'm just trying to clean the machine, if you know what I mean.

setting down my bags
hand on my back
been pushing on
but i just feel really bad

my hands look unreal
there's too many ways to feel
all i need is a couple days
to hide away and heal

but that's not an option
i'm not allowed to soften
i'm broken up and stumbling
and everybody's just watching

still got that hole in my chest
and limp in my walk
drinking shallow breaths
as i turn into the wall
i rested my head on
as i pictured bashing it in instead
till it became pulp
and the bad thoughts oozed out red
maybe then it might all be okay
but no it's still all wrong
telephone wire nooses
cut down before they get too long
stop calling cause i'm busy
trying to find a **** to give
before i spontaneously combust
before i even truly lived
cause the list is growing
and i'm not even started
cooking cleaning making nice
******* up and having to restart it
and feeling so irredeemable because of it
and incapable and sick to my soul
would call out but i can't
because i'm also ******* broke
would call you but i slept late
cause i spent all night losing my ****
its been so hard to sleep
that i've just started making lists
that never end and don't help
quash the feelings of distraught
the world tells me i'm an okay person
but i still feel like i'm not
almost misshapen or off put
a satisfactory answer for sure
but not the best example
not what she was looking for
so just off kilter
and not quite right
hard to love and
broken of mind

i've paced a circle
in the carpet of my mind tonight
and those ballerina feet left a trail of red
against the yellowing white alright

1 step
  2 step
     3 step
                    4

whatever happens

don't
  open
     that
                    door

a few things just are
like warmth of the sun and gentle light of the moon
the way that only wind can calm your soul
and my love for you

shared some sense of family
i never had
it's what kept you all together
what holds you back
i remember feeling alone
before i even knew what lonely was
since i was a child
i knew that i was the only one i could trust

love the thought of me
befriend my personification
the person you think i am
the pretend me

but i'm not really nice
i hate all of you
but for some reason i keep
acting friendly

it's alternative
it's similar
but not something i've ever had

so familiar
yet foreign
what a peculiar kind of sad

i thought
it'd get easier
as time continued to pass

but it hasn't
i've realized
each hurt is different from the last

good god
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
jesus christ
THE FATHER AND THE SON
demon inside?
SATAN BE GONE
only a sinner...
EVERYTHING EVIL BENEATH THE SUN
i'll burn in hell
FOR WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME
but i'm your daughter
YOU'RE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE HOLY ONE

needles and pins
if not now then when
a thought makes me wince
i loathe myself for needing

to be high for this
and thinking about him
might not give into my whims
but it's not a good way of thinking

staring out but lost deep within
hearing nothing but the wind
phantasizing fingertips
i feel shame for dreaming so freely

but then again
i'll never touch another skin
so does it even count as sin
if you knew, would you leave me?

it kills me
to see how far apart
we are
to know
the distance has grown

i dont wanna
let it under my skin
but i'm disappointed again
dwelling on the past
why we never last

and it's a lie
when i say i'm okay
i'm riddled with pain
the honest truth
is i'm not happy for you

you know better
and so do i
but we always deny
we know how it seems
but never really say what it means

we hurt each other
with who we've become
the unforgivable that we've done
the people we choose
what we promise but never intend to do

it's all in good fun
till i can't bear to see your face
or utter your name
because my heart aches with concern
seeing your arm around her

cause it's all wrong
and all out of place
strangers can't do it the same
i miss you so much it kills me
maybe you'll come around but we'll see

slow dancing to music you can't hear
stumbling in the middle of the street
everyone sees the car coming
yet there is no warning, not a peep
maybe they didn't want to interrupt me
when i'd finally found some peace
perhaps they just decided
they were done saving me

congratulations and farewell
oh the stories we both could tell
but that would be in bad taste

goodbye and good riddance
you grew fond of my permissance
and now you recoil seeing my face

whatever happened
may never be clear
if erasure is what you want
for the last 5 years
that's honestly really sad

i can't stop you
but i can grow on
when you're ready
i'll be long gone
and it'll be just too ******* bad

i feel so rotted through
my bones ache
and my eyes are sunken
my stomach touches my back
my arms leaden
my feet broken
my heart slowing
my fingers struggle to output
the resignation of my mind
the desecration of my time
the devastation of my life
it feels like my life is over
and i just keep going
like the last round of hurting wasn't enough
to convince me thoroughly enough
that this world isn't for me
and these people aren't either
but i just keep going
i can't give up now knowing
my problems are someone else's blessing
i'm just tired of the universe testing me
i lost my brother
my sister almost too this saturday
the little family i barely have
not my blood relations
just my only reservations
my few considerations
still i'm well aware
everyone is gonna go
whether they leave me now
or later
whether by choice
or by nature
why is it so wrong
i want to do it on my own terms
youth is no excuse to enable suffering
if in the meantime all i can do
is be punished for trying
it's unsuprising
i'd be so romanticized with dying
i know he's lying
to me
but my god
it's tantalizing
to be sacrificed
intead of sacrificing

no thanks
not now
i'm flattered
you're down
but honestly
don't wanna be your rebound
spent too much time
thinking about
everything else
i could do right now
you're cool
but i'm
just trying
to vibe
don't want you
to clamp on too tight
you seem
too nice
knowing
my life
this is bound to
bite
me
in the ***
the second
i relax
said i liked you
i take it back
***** to do
but i retract
don't want
none of that
wanna keep
my sanity intact

please
just a piece
just a nibble
to appease
the demon
inside of me
i'm more
than just a freak
than how often
i need to feed
i hope you
can see the me
that is
genuinely
interested in you
not your amenities

Because you’re empty
Just like me
When you don’t have love
But that’s not love
It’s poison
Laced with lust
You need something more, babe
You need trust
You need an “us”
You need
You need
You need
But you take what you want
And leave what you don’t
Treat people like this
And you always be alone
Childish as ****
But act like you grown
Too good to be true
I should’ve known
Why fight to be with someone
Who numbs me to the bone
Whose presence is worse
Than being alone
You’re drowning in pain?
Sinking like a stone?
Calling for that trick?
She only listened when you made her moan
Calling for me?
Calling me on my phone
Really think I care?
Here’s a secret; I don’t

lake of fire
tucked away
coyote cries
not so far away
simpler times
never come our way
we don't wanna
but we always find a way

no faith to find in hell
so we can only question this existence
why our parents had kids
and why theirs did and the ones before them

how could you do this to me
to us
ungrateful unsatisfied unfruitful
as ****

dying flames
topped up another time
the locust choir
fills the night
in these moments of respite
the stakes are still high
the world at my fingertips
but at the cost of goodbye

tired of being tired
but i have to go
sitting through my classes
listening to things i already know
you don’t even see me
but i am so close
the second you need me
i’m the only person you know
answers money food
whatever floats your boat
then it’s right back to ignoring me
back to being alone
tired of you saying you care
when i know you don’t
just keep using me over and over again
to give you what they won’t

you're gonna hate me
if that's what you want to do
there's something wrong with me
because i'm not just like you
i didn't want it to be like this
but you can't have it any other way
you steal the few things i have left
you'll convince yourself that that's okay
i'm not even sure if i love you anymore
you proved you've lost none on me
so ******* childish to play these games
even more ******* i didn't need

indulged then engorged
i slipped right through your fingertips
does the timbre of my voice
still shiver in your ribs
chest locked and throat blocked
a frantic exhale denied
does the whisper of my touch
drag along the walls of your mind
are you grateful you didn't cross that bridge
or bothered that you couldn't
dignities were stained some later time
when i was still too callow to have better judgment
but i was discerning enough
to identify and avoid your sticky lures
and so fledgling instincts beat out the odious
only now i know for sure
like saliva foaming to your jaw
down to the floor into the ground
i slipped right through your fingertips
you'll never catch me now

first full moon of the year
not enough light to see clear
but there's not much of need
to see beyond the trees
when you know nothing good lies beyond them

in my sanctuary of leaves
no one searches for me
i'd be upset but they never cared
the peace of being absolutely nowhere
caring for lost friends without a need to stalk them

i didn’t know you were gone
till i saw that you just weren’t there
i didn’t know you couldn’t stay
so i blamed you for my despair
for the overwhelming blue
that settled over my life
i missed you so much
when you weren’t by my side
and i still miss you
when i hear your name in someone else’s conversation
even if it’s not really about you
it fits into the version of events i’ve created
where you’re coming home
with a smile and time to waste
that you got caught up at the office
and just running a little late
or something or another
just that you’ll come back to me
i know this is not possible
but i dream selfishly
and i’m not mad anymore
i’ve grown to understand
this isn’t something you could control
under any circumstance
but like i said
i am fading in your absence
if you can’t come to me
i’ll close the distance
god drew the line that keeps us apart
i’ll erase it without a second thought
anything that put me next to you
is going to have be my best shot
but this isn’t right
you’d never approve
how do i please myself
without disappointing you

your thoughts
but not your desires
your words
but not your mouth

your presence
but not your body
please understand
that i am over that now

you can be
comfortable
i won't try to trick you
or mess around

you mean so much to me
that i let it go
i don't want you romantically
i feel no doubt

i used to crave you
but now i am
suffering with this wall
and doing without

you
so please forgive me
i finally apologized
out loud

never meant
to ruin the friendship
but all i did
was drag us down

half of the truth
for half of a lie
partially wanting the best for you
while secretly wishing you would die
staring out at the distance
though you are here by my side
i pretend i don't hear you
but your voice echoes in my mind
we're so open it shouldn't matter
so why do i hide?