i've been crying myself to sleep every other night
when i'm not falling apart it's kinda nice
doing what you did you had no right
but thats cool it's what it is have a nice life

no more fighting to prove
how much i love you
just to be disposed of
when i'm not bending backwards to make you happy

i'm not gonna fight
with you the fiftieth time
meant all that ****
not gonna half myself for you to have me

***** that it took all this for me to know
you never had good intentions like i'd hoped
saw my optimism and reached for your rope
that's cold blooded ****** but you like it when i choke

no more lying to feel okay
or waiting for you to change
if you were gonna
you'd already be a better person and you're not

it's really kind of stupid
i begged you to do this
but i know better now
but will you listen when i ask you to stop

it's the easy decisions
slight of hand
blurry intentions
you don't trust this man
he may be kind and sweet
and hold a door or two
tiny little things
to get to you
waiting until you're fading
to step up to the plate
barely know what you're saying
but you know you said okay
so if anything happens
it's all on you for trusting that
he would be a good friend
and just turn you off your back
oh goodness oh mercy oh **** oh god
pulling away from the memory physically
nerves firing at the thought
remembering so awfully vividly

no no no
this isn't what i meant
this isn't what i wanted
this can't be how it ends
pulling away from a touch
that's no longer there
it's an ugly ugly feeling
but nobody cares
make it make it stop
and wash it away
hot water does no good
nor the tears on my face
it's so uncomfortable
to think about things that could've happened
i'm just tired and unsure
holding in my reaction
because i can't mourn
while i lie in the crime scene
just another ****** situation
they always find me

no more
hands under shirts
sliding inside *******
wandering places
you don't belong
and can't be
i'm not even here
i'm too far gone
to be able to say what i mean
you push against my back
and try to let me know
how much you think you want me
i don't know how to feel
in the morning
everyone's still so charged
but i'm happy everyone's happy
even though this prickly feeling
has settled right here in my heart

time flies when i don't think of you
but now i'm frozen in your arms
knowing you don't love me back
and all you mean is harm
you are a stupid boy with no love to give
but i want you despite knowing better
i keep falling asleep smiling
imagining us being together

how silly how stupid how childish how strange
you'll never look at me the same
you respond every couple days
indifference drives me insane

and i wait by my phone
expecting no answer
conversations drier
than the mojave desert
screaming in my head
this is never gonna work
bracing with each step
knowing this is gonna hurt

maybe i just like the pain
why do i see you this way
what is it you have they say
something i just can not claim

and i don't even care
but i'm just wound up
replaying the sting
of your friendly touch
goodbye and sweet dreams
catching another ride
everybody left
but i am still parked outside

all the time to waste
not really but i stall anyways
it's dark but this parking space
is enough to help me feel okay

you all go home
i sit and think
what is it
about me
that isn't good
enough for you
even though i just went out
to have something to do

what even was today
what are these choices that i made
shake it off and play it safe
overcorrections for deliberate mistakes

hold me up
i'm slipping out
you're not even real
i'm no where near sound
of mind but i'm trying
to survive at least
with thoughts and dreams
distancing reality
because in theory
the fall wouldn't be so bad
but touch just feels icky
and i'm always too sad
it's comforting to hope
one day i'll function fine
just consumed by fantasies
in the meantime

frustratingly vague
uncomfortably intense
staying up everynight
going over it again and again
how does this make me feel
why does it make me act this way
who do i wanna be
is this the right decision to make
how will i be tomorrow
am i proud of who i was today
the past does but doesn't define me
what even is the change i wanna make
am i apologizing to be nice
or do i really regret what i did
am i just so scared to be alone
i call you a friend
shattering glass in a hall of mirrors
self constructed labyrinth of confusion
looking to myself not recognizing what i see
is it love or a fleeting delusion
do i want it to work out
was i hoping for the end since we met
deep down i can't feel myself
washed right over by questions i'll regret
seeing things in ways i didn't need to
just ask myself are you sure
when no one else cares and it swallows me easily
another rock in the pile and i just keep throwing more
until i'm on top of the mountain looking down
got so high so fast and it scares me
i'll make it down eventually
and even then barely
wonder if one day i'll go too far
and i will forget where i'm from and who i am
is this making any sense just trying to gather my wits
no one ever understands

not one for gambling

it was a long day
so don't let it keep you any longer
the deep vein of exhaustion
growing fonder and stronger
lean into it as you sputter
finally get some sleep
good dreams and peace
you desperately need
no more fighting
it's pointless you know
tomorrow will be better
is all we can hope

haven't met them yet
i'm sure
the one will take some time
i know

patience is a virtue
i'll learn
and for now it's not so bad
going alone

keep missing something i
never had
waiting for the planets
to align

just gotta keep being
myself
and it'll all come together
in due time

cause they're waiting too
just like me
for someone to finally
understand

to believe something else
is giving up hope
and to keep going on
i can't

there is love
without pain
these insecurities
won't define me forever

can't wait to shed the shame
i've been taught
being honest shouldn't be this
risky endeavor

stuck on my mind
opening the box for the hundredth time
touching all the pretty
things
you left to me

when i told you you were perfect i meant it
even now i can't say
that you're not
do you believe in soul mates
cause that night when we were talking
bout the places we wanted to go
describing beautiful places
none as beautiful as you though
you were but a silhouette in the dark
and i knew i didn't need a place
just take me like a souvenir
tucked away in your suitcase

took off without warning
but i knew you were for me
if you could be anywhere right now
would you be with me
if money weren't an issue
what would stop you then
see the northern lights like you've wanted
or somewhere we've already been
anywhere with you
is the destination
i wish that we could love
somewhere other than my imagination
because even if you came back now
there still some healing needed
hate to lean on wishful thinking
but it's an easy way to not feel so ceded

closing the distance
i purposely made
i gave you my reasons
i made myself space
even though i didn't
have anything to explain
allowed to move how i want to
to keep myself safe
lucky i'm so nice
to even entertain
such a cowardly
and immature display
i'm done with cradling your feelings
to avoid your rage
i'm not required to be your friend
or tolerate
the ******* you do
on the day to day
it's frankly quite annoying
how you won't let me go away
this is what i wanted
just can't respect the choice i've made

it's just like me
to lose touch
forget where i am
and say too much
reality so jarring
but i fail to hide
a mixture of insecurity
and fragile pride
i want to be happy
but i want to be right
i mean i don't want to
say it's all been a lie
just so damaged
that i can't tell between
my intuition
and the intrusive thoughts always plaguing me
and i'm sorry if it feels
like i'm closing in
i know that i
can get too intense
i'll just stop explaining
making no sense
like i said before
we're better off as friends :/

here goes
what ever shall i do
if i can't get a pinch
of affection from you
do or die
and i will right in this spot
don't even dare
i'm just dealing with some thoughts
cause it's all inside my head
and the worst part is
i know it's all inside my head
and i still can't fight it

it's a game
of who cares less
left on delivered
unsending texts
general statements
to silently dig
because i'm too shy
to just say ****
and i know if i did
it'd just get forgotten
pouring until i'm an
empty carton
hate that feeling
so just i say nothing
act nonchalant
but i'm bad at bluffing
so now it's weird
because i think too much
concerns get buried
so i can get ******
i'm trying my best
to not mess it up
but i let the situation snowball
like it always does
and now it's too late
to fix what i bent
so i'll just say
we're better off as friends

release those words into the environment
without consideration
of the situation
of their implications
testing my patience

it was 'nice' to hear my voice for a couple seconds
still sending mixed signals
said it was just as gentle
so sentimental
driving me mental

i think you mean what you say
but it doesn't even matter
can't just bust in after
you left me shattered
pieces too scattered

to even bother picking myself up
had to start fresh
which was really just a mess
youre so ridiculously blessed
you don't know what it's like being second best

zero patience
no remorse
what should i be sorry for

you made your choice
seemed so sure
didn't have to slam the door

on your way out
it's too charged now
bad taste in my mouth
don't try to turn around now

you spit in my face
made a disgrace
of every promise you made
i have no need to save
you from your fate
the architect of your pain
laughing as i walk away

already confused all the time
and your confession isn't helping
i'm staring in the mirror
it's taking all my will to keep from melting
into the mold i despise
spilling over and ruining photos
developing to the role
your own quasimodo

all caught up
in your fashion statements
voting your friends
for stupid superlatives

yeah you're def making waves
so influential babe
in two years you'll have one friend
and miss the good old days

peaked so early on
what's to look forward to now
when you can't use others to feel better
you world crumbles to the ground

different opportunities open for me
i like the idea of any future i please
i am not opposed to seeing where it could lead
but i also know i'm running on a short leash
gonna overstay this lease
of midnight confidence that's taken over me
i'm just liking all of the pretty things i see
imma let it all fade off and fall right back to sleep

backing off before i fall off the edge
i need to be the one who cares less
or we can split it fair if that's cool with you
just don't wanna walk away again feeling used
or like i was just a pity **** when i reached out first
i don't really like being chased but that's never gotten me hurt
it's the chasing that ***** me over every time
i see what i want and it's close enough to touch but it's too soon to safely try