the pieces of me
my dichotomies
don't fit pretty
or at all

clashing next to each other
mustard and peanut butter
different mothers
must be my fault

that i can't be one thing
or the same version of me
for every person i meet
like a doll

just a cess pool of thought
pandora's box
i am and i'm not
the rise and fall

what you could've had
never left your mind
tethered to me now
but dream of the other life
you wish you could've had
i never meant to hold you back
she is all you ever wanted
and i'm all you'll ever have

no one has to know
because it's all inside my head
you'll never look to me
or wake up in my bed
i know all that waits for me
is solitude and dread
i know if i say anything
it'll be followed by regret
even then
nonetheless
you fill my thoughts
like mercury and lead
the weight of you
comes to a rest
and settles in my heart
just to be trapped inside my chest

you take a sledgehammer
to my fragile reality
and shatter it
so you can feel a bit better

you know what i'm going through
but you think you know me better
than i do
and you put your feelings on me

now i'm responsible
for both of our happiness
knowing very well
it'll be a massive disappointment down the road

you push until i beg you to stop
do not enter signs but you still knock
i say i'm uncomfortable but you tell me i'm not
you only hear what you want
you only help yourself
you ignore anything that doesn't fit your reality
and you expect me to be your ideal

you truly think anything is possible
mental gymnastics
going through hoops
to get nowhere really fast

i don't feel good about anything at all
can't tell what is and is not my fault
i'm the common denominator in all my problems
so it's easy to assume the problem is me
and i'm only who i was born to be
and i hate everything about that
i'm stuck in this body that i can not love
slowly dying
i wanna save people who
who i'm afraid cannot be saved
people do what they wanna do
and i can only do what i can
and i can't blame myself for not being a psychic
and knowing when i'm needed or what someone needs to hear
i'm just trying my best
even though i don't feel good about anything
or at all
i just wish life was different
and that my brain didn't work the way it does
every good thing that happens
is ground to dust
and blown in my eyes
and i just dont know what's real anymore
the way the world is
or the way i experience it

i see the way they are and i fantasize
the amount of pain i go through to seem alright
in the single slice of reality it all seems glamorized
without all of the shadows none of it would seem so bright
introducing ideas into the mix i never sought
a factory of feverish and jealous thoughts
i want to be beautiful but i'm just not
left to my devices and i'm bound to stalk
just to see what could've been if i wasn't torn
misfortune loomed long before i was born
generational trauma i never signed up for
i always hated everyone else for having more
than i ever could no matter how hard i tried
with their licenses and friends every friday night
while i was herded and degraded by every adult in my life
they laughed on the stairs i'd hide under to cry
now they're discovering themselves and i'm barely in my skin
progressing in their relationships while i've only just started making friends
i know it's not their fault i'm staggered in my development
it's just that watching them get to be happy makes me resent
them for being able to blossom so soon
i wonder if i will ever bloom
tracing my thoughts in the dark of my room
trying to trust the process knowing i expected results too soon

creating excuses for someone
who doesn't care to make their own
you say he's really sorry
but did he ever say that though
if you can show me where
i can let it go
but that apology doesn't exist
you and i both know
if it's every other day
and the same old ******* ****
a growing mountain of flowery words
and no sign of improvement
if he did it once
he would do it again
never has to justify his behavior
your fear of loneliness does it for him
sparing feelings he doesn't have
this man couldn't care less
if he wanted to he would
but you know what to expect
selfish choices and rushed intimacy
never gets excited to see your texts
you want to be right so bad
you refuse to reassess
the foundation of your relationship
your endless effort only matched by his pride
scrambling to make him happy
just to be dehumanized
if he loves you likes he says he does
why can't he manage to treat you right
a promise you made under false pretenses
shouldn't determine the rest of your life

the lies they need to be okay
half-truths they'll take to their grave
self soothing efforts to much dismay
5150 you so they can try to feel sane

can't live with what really happened
cognitive dissonance fractures a fragile reality
if you did what i say you did
you couldn't excuse yourself rationally
with your bible of reasons
full of fallacies and opinions
fact is utterly lost on you
creating your own definitions
for ******* you made up or believe
to proof everyone else wrong
pushing a false narrative
only works for so long

can't be no one else no
can't trust myself though
can't love a situation
or fix everything broke
still try to anyway
keeps following me home
could never love me back
yeah i already know

locking the back door
left open the window
if you notice, it's on accident
otherwise it won't close
wanting it to end
but wanting to be chose
knowing it's all for *****
passing deathly serious notes

somewhere i'd swear
between freefall and impact
i'm using the opportunity
to find my way back
to the crack that
i crawled out from
detailing the path
to what i've become
using the story
to backtrace my soul
before i lose the powers
of the rabbit hole

i didn't wanna listen today
so that meant 'my vibe was off'
i didn't wanna cater to your feelings
or be subjected to you going on and on
about your poor decisions
when you consistently devalue our bond
i'm tired of feeling like we're getting somewhere
to get proved embarrassingly wrong
you pick everyone and everything over me
so i just couldn't care anymore
when you asked me to tell you how i felt
you just looked so detached and bored
i don't even know why you want to be friends
apparently you're looking for something more
i'm just tired of ripping up my feelings
to help you bandage yours

it's really sad if you think about it
how fast we burned to nothing
thats why i don't think anymore
so if you're running out of reasons trust me
there goes another one
add it to the pile of flaws i've accrued
in this process of trying to become
loved by you
walking away with nothing but my pride
in the end
wouldn't dare reach out now
or bear to call you a friend
it's easy to say it now
but you would've never said it then
you didn't even have those kind of thoughts
and haven't had them since
you would be the world's biggest liar
if you tried to say you felt the same
you're sparing no feelings and frankly i'm insulted
how easily you could lie to my face

horrific manifestations
stuff i never want to come true
pushing myself through the monotony
never losing track of you
i'm just so far that i know
it's easy to forget how much i care
i'm worried about the things you might do
when i'm unable to be there
imagined getting the call right then
and when my phone rang i began to cry
it was just another telemarketer
but it was too real in that moment in time
imagining a world without you
broken as it is
your absence so unfillable
no way to make amends
i don't wanna have any regrets
and you're right when you say i'm wasting time
i know if i lost you today
i'd wish i'd have taken fifty flights
just to see you once
but i'm trying to not let the intrusive thoughts win
even though i can feel you fading away
a horrid paranoia sets in
please don't do this to me
i knows its not about me but i'm just afraid
i already lost him i don't wanna lose you
on the last leg of my faith

how am i being paranoid
when everything happened the way i thought it would
you ask about my feelings
not to help but to make yourself feel good
and give me pseudo solutions
that fix none of the issues
so when i'm still struggling
you can hit me with the 'maybe i can fix you'
you don't even wanna know me
just like the validation i oft provide
i'm good at making you feel good
and that's enough to keep things nice
but you would never choose me
in fact i'm not even a second thought
the second it's not easy to bounce off me
you question why my vibe is off
my feelings are flexible for you
as you've shown time and time again
i'm sensitive and you just hurt
get confused when you claim i'm your friend

always something to say
nothing productive though
can't get your way
so we're at each other's throats
couldn't say it to my face
but it's fine cause i already know
you've always hated the word hate
but you feel it in your bones

you're gonna hate me
if that's what you want to do
there's something wrong with me
because i'm not just like you
i didn't want it to be like this
but you can't have it any other way
you steal the few things i have left
you'll convince yourself that that's okay
i'm not even sure if i love you anymore
you proved you've lost none on me
so ******* childish to play these games
even more ******* i didn't need

get it out so i can leave
taking your anger out on me
like you always do
cause you always assume
stay mad if you want
i did what i could
swear that you hate me
this time for good

if thats the case
don't put yourself in the way
wanna push me away
then push me all the ******* way
repeatedly ask for your space
i graciously obey
then i guess you wait
till i finally feel like i've escaped

say whatever it is you need to
as if you haven't already said enough
i'm giving you this chance
though you wouldn't offer me as much
i'm just tired of sitting through your preaching
in your effort to make
me love you more than myself
or become consumed in self hate

you dont want to see me happy
you want me to play a role in yours
you think you know all there is to know
about life and determine its a chore
if you feel like that then hate yourself
and stay out of my life
i tried to care about you genuinely
but i'll never put more effort into yours than mine

i don't know what to do anymore
i get off and i sit in my car
cause i dont wanna head to the house
but i'm too tired to drive anywhere far
and i dont wanna hang out
i just wanna be somewhere i don't hate
i wanna be alone
i deeply desire to feel safe
i want a lot of things
but i can accept what i have
knowing it could be worse
even if it can get kinda bad
i just want to feel better
i want to breathe and feel like myself again
cold showers help the physical pain
but i want the mental anguish to end

pushing all the buttons
top floor
to rock bottom

elevator broken
i'm not moving
out of options

trying to make sense
out of how
i got here

this isn't funny anymore
i suddenly
fear

i didn't wanna
feel the pain
so i shut the door

wanted to forget
just live life
on a different floor

but i'm stuck
in the one place
i don't wanna be

the only place to go is
the only place
i wanna leave

i open my eyes
but i still feel everything
despite my every effort

have to blink again
maybe if i get some sleep
i might feel better

i'm just afraid
if i let go
i'll just be sitting there

staring out of the doorway
watching it happen
forced to stare

can't change the moment
the past is frozen
in itself

maybe it's my fault
never said no
still won't ask for help

i just wanna
get off on a different floor
and be okay

pressing all the buttons
but my situation
stays the same

eyes won't meet mine
cause they know what they'll find
you need to be able to live in yourself

know this wasn't the right time
but you care about your feelings more than mine
you'll just say you couldn't tell

physical contact made me wince
reliving it makes me sick
but you're excited for whatever's 'next'

i'm not lucky enough to forget
unaware you've got the ick
or you know but you continue to press

swear you wanna save her
never needed any savior
but since you're so nice
why do you pretend to not know the safe word
you violate her body and trust
subscribed to a one sided 'love'
you refuse to know the truth
because you're consumed by a need for touch

just like that
it's over
will likely never
get any closure
you keep
avoiding my calls
mystery remains
unsolved

confused
as to what to do
shouldn'tve
depended on you
but i did
and now i am ******
somehow
i'm never enough

to hold you eyes
or know your plans
close my eyes
remember your hands
nothing will make me
understand
youre never gonna care
to know who i am

i miss you
like an old friend
troubled trying to
comprehend
how it was never
how i felt it was
only explanation you give
is just because

you let me
hang myself with dreams
you were fine with how
it all seemed
when you benefitted
from knowing me
now it's a lie
no mystery

i ******* hate you all
ripping pictures of the wall
can this one thing not be about you
or will you twist this narrative too

will you try make someone else the monster
for needing space and not being okay
will you push farther and farther
using excuses to worsen their pain

i don't know why you're like this
tragedy gets you excited
cause you see an opportunity
to receive so much sympathy

from people who don't really care about you
but thats not even the point
you just need to feel important
so you try to become the only voice

in a situation where many are hurt
and hurt them more with your selfish words
this is why everyone ignores your cries
just go too far to prove why you're right

when you are just being selfish
you just can't help it
it's gonna be such a lonely day
when you've pushed everyone away

because you can't let anyone 'win'
cause to you trauma is a competition
can you just respect someone you say you love
even when you're not with them

it's that raise in pitch
when you say my name
i wait for you to see me
but you can't look straight
all your excuses
start to sound the same

a little detail
reveals a big lie
a little change
that bothers my eyes
i know you too well
i am still suprised

it's in the way you speak so freely
then retreat into your mind
the harder your you try
the easier it is to see what you hide
your face is riddled with guilt
but you're drowning in pride

shouldve known better
than to lie to me
i will always find
what you are hiding
there's not a part of you
i havent seen

it's my nature to apologize
like its my job to hold open the door
for people who chose slam it
in my face
i'm tired of being sorry
for things i'm not even sorry for
out here hurting feelings
that were never my responsibility in the first place

always holding my tongue
for the sake of peace
why must i be numb
to enjoy your company

just don't understand
but i don't care to at this point
you talk too much as is
i hear crazy things when i'm out
too self aggrandizing to
be at peace with your own choice
that anger has done you no good
but you stand by it even now

you're never gonna learn
and that's why your unhappy
pushing me away
to prove what exactly

you do what benefits you
then say it's what's best for me
afraid to lose somebody
you tried to force into your life
i don't have it in me
focused on my own needs
you want something impossible
an effort i cannot provide

because i'm not stuck on you
the way you've clung to me
got too comfortably rude
and lost my company

and i don't care if you have any regrets
i waited a very long time
tried to be there even when every bone
in my body begged me to leave
but you never changed and even if you do
i'm no longer invested in your life
you really expected me to tolerate your ****
must've never thought much of me

uncomfortable in your presence
avoiding the situation
you want to **** us both
into the awkwardness you've created
by forgetting who i am
and lashing out over something dumb
mistook kindness for love
sadly i'm not the one
can not be complacent to your fantasies
i've got my own happiness to be concerned with
aren't you just so pitiful
i want you out of my presence
i'm glad you're walking out of my life
you're pushing me away to prove what exactly?
if you think you'll win by playing games and being petty
you'll always be unhappy
this is why i can't stand you
you're so childish and you don't really care about my feelings
you just wanna use me
so you can feel things