what else could be a problem
i couldn't even say
i wake up everyday
and find new ways to waste
the little energy i have
on people who never change
wanting to be acknowledged
but just gonna have to wait
or move on before
i give the last of it away
and i can't muster up the effort
to convince myself to stay

i am trying
but thats nothing
when i have nothing at the end of the day

i wanna be understanding
and share so much love
but that gets drowned out by the pain

i woke up this morning
and knew inside
i just knew
you couldn't ever love me
not because i'm unlovable
or anything bad
but just because
you only feel me as a stroke to your ego
because who else
is asking about your day
or hearing you out lately
and wanting to know your woes
or sending a message first
no one
and i just wanted to be nice
and maybe show you what it could be like
and i really thought i liked you
and i'm not gonna stop being kind
but i can't pretend this isn't what it is
i'd die before i let myself become
a nothing to someone
who wants me to curate they're everything
so they can live without feeling
i'm not an emotional cumrag
i wanna see you happy
but i wanna be happy too

the many many things out of my control
everytime i forget the other stuff
another five thoughts sprout in its place

and ruin the vibe i'm trying to keep
i need to not care as much as i do
but ideas keep me frozen in place

i'm not trying to be difficult
or act like i'm special
it's just a lot and i don't know how to feel about it all

no more no more
i'm only me
and i already feel so small

it's the peculiar pain
of knowing how
excited i get
when i think of
seeing you
or how nervous i become
worrying about what to say
knowing you don't feel the same
that same rush

i bet
your friends have never heard about me
and if i was mentioned
it was probably not by name
just in offhand
like yeah
i ****** that one girl again
just another body

you dont have conversations
revolving around how your actions
might impact my feelings
or even think about that about that at all
i bet
but i do for yours and
i bet
you would laugh at me if you knew
or you'd just run

and the shock
of the realization
knocks me out of orbit
this idea of who i am
to anyone around me
means nothing
and you are just the first example

and as i start unraveling
and acknowledging all my **** ups
and shortcomings
and everything i wish
would just be different
about the world
and myself
i drown in the feeling
that i shouldn't even try
my powerlessness
my weakness
i hate myself
for all the things
i can't will myself to be
and the thoughts i can't control
getting too self aware
and i suffer

one too many nights
of medicated sleep
now i can't fight the universe
revealing things to me
or is it the devil
trying to get under my skin
with these horrible visions
i can't be sure

i want to be safe
and i want to be alive
but i want to feel alive
and i'm tired of being alive

loop di loop di loop
it all starts and ends with you
and you don't even matter
because i don't matter to you
my brain won't let me love someone
who can not love me back
but i still feel attachment
because i'm stupid
and i actually liked you despite
all of the ugly thoughts in my head

now i'm rambling
and i make no sense
that one crossfade lyric
what i really meant to say
is i'm sorry for the way i am

i can't help but ruin everything

i don't know what it was
i just woke up
and after everything we've done
i had enough
i want to be free of your touch
and ever elusive love
i'm not built for
someone so rough

no explanations
for me either
so don't feel cheated
besides now you get to keep her
your life goes back
everything basically the same
all that i knew was crushed
but i'll cope with that pain

just let me alone now
you've done enough at this point
it's not about how you'd feel
it's my choice

whatever happened
doesn't matter
questions
melting into laughter
pull her up on top of you
nice and slow
i'm far far away
while she sleeps close
i'm nothing now
i know, i know
it wasn't the end
but its still a blow
took what you needed
said your piece
corrupted every last
hope and dream
so why can't you
just leave it be
take everything else
just let me have me

violent tide
calming down
neither right
i know that now
silent amends
don't want space
just a little understanding
and for you to say

no more texts
no more people getting in the way
too many words for something so simple
caught up on things so trivial
i don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

melodies slide
melting so sweet
i forgive you
you forgive me
today doesn't have
to be yesterday
somehow we can
make this okay

no more words
or feelings hurt
too much stress over something so little
the things we got caught on we should just forget them
if we don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

believing you're nothing
so you treat yourself like nothing
waking up realizing
this is what you wanted
but you just wanted to make someone feel good
since all it seems like you do is fail
a steep price for a broken solution
to a problem you could've fixed
by being honest with yourself
why couldn't you just be wrong
now nothing is alright

it's red never green
but its black when i can't see
when it pools in my eyes
and slides down my cheeks
the feeling so indescribably large
yet nothing but a point in the void
the only thing helping me navigate
is the faint sound of your voice
because i'm lost in nowhere
looking for a way to get somewhere that doesn't exist
at least not yet
but i still wanna look for it

heaven could be closer than i'd like to think
but i'll have to crawl through hell just to have that peace
and i don't think i have it in me
i can't afford to gamble with my last good thing

just skip me until i'm ready

there's so many stars up there
i wanna ask questions but i'm too scared
that you won't care
or i'll just be talking too much

too many too count but still i try
almost as many thoughts in my mind
there would never be enough time
to tell you how it really was

but when the symphony begins to play
for a moment everything feels okay
you may have dropped my hand
but i don't register the pain

i'm exploring all the ways this could go
the words i almost had crawl back down my throat
you dont need to worry about me anymore
i'll never have the answers when there's so much to know

simply uncivil
inconsiderate
selfish and in denial

my understanding and patience
is not a given
yet you still feel entitled

so what if you want more
if you don't want it all
the mental vacations you go on
everytime i try to talk
about the ******* problems
you ignore because they don't affect you
i'm not here to be ignored
besides what else can i do
the second i'm inconvenient
you shut down and pull away
don't look at me like that now
you obviously wanted it this way

cause how many bridges am i supposed to rebuild
couldn't tell me when it has gone too far
you want what you want and you do what you do
even if it means breaking my heart

so buck the **** up since you're so tough
and none of it ever mattered
i'm gonna be fine just give it some time
once i'm detached from this disaster

go ahead and show me
what i'm missing and how you're so ******* amazing
i've seen enough and i lost nothing
but a person who lied in love because they thought they could replace me

fundamentally speaking
youre not wrong
you're just not gonna be right in the end

i understand what you're thinking
but its just not that simple
the regret'll eventually set in

destroying myself
for a little bit of comfort
it's fun for whatever that's worth

know i'm choosing hell
in a couple months i'll be chewed up
for now i'm not concerned

if i had you
i wouldn't need anybody else
but you won't take me
so now i've gotta fend for myself
looking into me
and turning over once you're done
seeing what you wanna see
no longer interested whatever it was
don't want to assume the worst
and i'm not trying to be scummy
but you can only make me feel so stupid
and take so much from me
before i can't be as patient and kind
as i really wanna be
i just wanna be treated like a person
it's not even that deep

satan was his favorite angel
and he still let him fall
don't wanna assume the worst for you
but something about this feels wrong
why wouldn't you hurt me is a question
i hate to ask but i hear in the back of my mind
everytime you linger just a bit longer
and try to stare into my eyes
so what if you want more
if you don't want it all
don't wanna invest the last of my trust
if you're gonna just drop the ball
this is a lot for me and a lot to me
sorting through emotions
definitions and technicalities
seem like such commotion
why can't we just try to give the other
what they ask without thinking too much
but expecting you to be as thoughtful as me
is asking too much

i just wanna make you feel good
what are you trying to do to me

picking the flowers on the edge of my dress
pretending i'm not nervous
everyone sees what they want to
feeling lopsided and missing curfew
wanna leave before they try to find me
but why should i be the one hiding
when all i ever did was be myself
and i still don't understand why that bothered anyone else
i'll just keep sinking into the bleachers
as kids sneak drinks past teachers
knowing i'm never gonna be one of them
remembering when we used to be friends
and understanding that doesn't matter now
i'm tired and regretting ever coming out

do you ever
just remember
everything you've ever done

sitting there
fully aware
and slowly becoming numb

past is frozen
heart stays broken
can't change what you already did

hoping to heal
despite how devastated you feel
like one day you might learn how to cope with it

if only you're so lucky
but how fortunate can you be
haunted by all the poor decisions
you made before you could see
their implications and consequences
now you face the terms of the sentence
you unknowingly received
yet you're to remain indifferent
pretend it doesn't hurt you when
you'll never trust yourself again
the architect of you own destruction
nostalgia your only friend

strangers indifferent
to the others existence
brought you together
regret that decision
you forget who i was
pick at who i am
push me to the edge
off making 'better friends'
made for each other
all the toxicities align
better you block you own opportunities
than keep ******* with mine

i knew not what i'd done
more concerned with little issues
that never mattered as much as you
and i know that now
but then i was stupid
led by and for amusement
tangled in pointless idiotic webs
instead of focusing on the real things
the people and memories that made me me

jagged illustrations
silent film
predestinations
oft fulfilled
split decisions
we just don't grasp
their lasting effects
coupled with the weight of the past
getting ahead of ourselves
or is it just me
simples pleasures spoilt
cause i can't not overthink

searching for purpose
in places that make no sense
only reached out
cause you're ****** up again
only want me
cause i'm a safe option
love the version of me in your head
not who i actually am
projecting your esteem issues
to soothe insecurity
i want to help
but i'm not gonna let you decide for me
what you really want
isn't my company
you want acceptance and affection
that i can't give you comfortably

just because i have issues maintaining my boundaries
didn't mean i needed to treat people like ****
in the moment i felt cornered
so i overcorrected and when
i veer into that territory
of fighting invisible enemies
i let the negativity
get the best of me
i'm sorry i spoke to you like that
i didn't want to it just happened
that's me being honest
not defending my actions
i wanna promise i won't do it again
but i don't wanna lie you see
if you stay i'll try my best
but i understand if you choose to leave

maybe might have broke your heart
jury says guilty as charged
but did you ever care for me
or did you just want company
did i really break your heart
or were you already scarred
you put that pain on me
cause you refuse to see

what she took from you
no one can replace
staring through me
to see her face
you never loved me
i just felt safe
don't hate me for not wanting
to fill her place

**** talking with your group of friends
it's always bittersweet by the end
swear i'll regret leaving
still asking to see me
keep knocking but i won't let you in
keep complaining to all of them
you're the synonym for needy
is this what you call grieving

sorry that she took your love
so all you have is hate
sorry i couldn't live
being second place
you hurt me too
but we only acknowledge your pain
tell them what i did
plead your losing case