I think it speaks volumes that in my half-awake, half-asleep, drowsy state sometime before the sun came up, I instinctively yet firmly planted my lips on whatever part of you was closest to me. It was your shoulder blade, or maybe the back of your neck. I know I woke up and it was the first thing I thought of, and I gripped you close and kissed you hard. For me, it says a lot that you rolled over and held me back in response. We fell back asleep after that, your arm draped over my waist and your breath on my neck.

You could buy me flowers or take me on dates or tell me I'm beautiful and do all of those cliché yet considerate things. I won't think any less of them, and I promise I'll do the same for you. But you can't buy me an instinctual embrace. It was something I just did, and it was something you just did in response. I over analyze a lot, but it meant something for me.

It felt different than flowers and dates and hearing I'm beautiful. It felt safe, it felt like reciprocation. It felt like a simple embrace that simply meant I was in your arms, but I know it's a bit more than that. You may have simply rolled over and wrapped me up in your arms but it wasn't forced or planned or expected like dates and flowers may be. It was natural. Sometimes that's what feeling for someone is, going for it and hoping someone feels for you too. It's knowing that kissing someone is a shot in the dark and you may or may not get kissed back, but you go for it anyway. Sometimes, and hopefully, feeling for someone is natural and easy though telling them may not be.

So rolling over and kissing you was one thing. It was another that you responded. You don't know it, but a hand across my waist and your breath on my neck meant more than the other gestures because this one came to you as easily as blinking or breathing. It was simple like you and insightful like me. It meant that in your half-asleep, half-awake state there was enough instinct to hold me and the simple notion that you did so meant that we share some common ground, as uncommon as that may be; sometimes we wake up wanting to be close to each other, and that's enough for me.

I am not a number.
I am more.
I'm a rhythm.
A clock, circadian,
A heart beat,
The music inside me.
I am a rhythm.

I am not a score.
I am more.
I'm a movement.
An individual, its
Like a non-religious transcendentalist,
A dancer, prancer,
An accidental fall.
I have a purpose.
I am a movement.

Who are you?
A number?
A score?
An A?
B?
C?
See?
Its not you, its how we were raised to be.

Thirteen years in a structured school
Teaching you only how to earn points
And memorize facts.

But I want to be smart.
An astrophysicist
An anthropologist
A pediatric psychologist

I want to own a home.
Lease a car.
Pay my bills.
Invest my money.

Where do I learn to do all that?

Look into your future,
Inside your dreams.
How do you get there?
How do you find
What seems
To be impossible?

Let me tell you,
Its possible.
Education
Filled with learning,
Filled with ACTUAL learning.
And motivation.
Its a structure,
But its home.
Its a routine,
Its a family.

Its in your head.
You create your setting.
The gloomiest day, with a smile on your face
And you've already become more.

When you want education,
You'll find it.
You'll find it with passionate teachers,
And summer camps,
And clubs
And sports
And, AP stats?

When you push yourself forward,
You'll feel pressure backwards,
But it won't drag you down,
If you don't let it.

It's a choice to make.
You'll be here anyways.

Its that day you walk across that stage
And find the smiles of your peers
And realize that although you're still here,
You're moving forward.

I know that I am more.
Than my 11th grade AP test score.
I know that I am more,
Than my homework,
Than my scars,
Than the number of marks
That are on my arms.
Than my rank,
My GPA,
Or any standardized test I took on a Saturday.
Than the number of hugs that I get when cry,
Or the number of graduates who will say good-bye.
Because at the end of the day
Or right here and right now
Or whatever cliche
I know I can say

I am more.

I like how acceptable it is
To overshare when you're drunk.

I like how acceptable anything is.
And how easy it is for people to forget.

Pretend you didn't say that one thing.
And I'll pretend I didnt hear you.

She bleeds ‘all tragic steam work blasted mists
‘All hobbled clamped free fall for ‘all seasonal depression slump
She’s ‘all death knell cramp urgency and held back suffering kneeling
on kitchen floors ‘all like boarding school broomsticks lessons
with ‘all that theoretical **** the ***** save the man type
schlock shock rhetoric shtick
so ‘all I’ll be is her savage heretic wagon burner page-turner
on the hot coal back burner ‘all boarded up sealed shut in the walls
until she calls
Expecting me to be 'all combat ready
‘all back with a vengeance
while her thrift store hazard suit groups and droops
‘all over my haphazard dream sliced hang nailed hangover hands
hiding ‘all derelict style while between the sheets confessional
gets voided by social media air raid sirens
bringing me ‘all too close to rocks and crystals
and who ‘all needs another pathetic apathetic
junk punk when
‘all and ‘all
I'd rather die for you
because
I just can't live with myself

another midnight I've seen this week:
bed times have gone from books and milk
and slightly ajar doors,
to long slogs far into the early morning hours-

-did I, did I try too hard to hold your hand?
If so I didn't mean to,
maybe the excitement of being held again
made my squeeze a little too much.

-

another morning afternoon I've seen this week:
primary education routines of get dressed
and ready for school have been lost to
fading light showers and foaming shampoos-

-did I, did I not follow the Curtis rules?
Should I run a bookshop? Be late time and time again?
Runaway to the continent and write a novel no one wants?
Lose a wife and fall for a model?

if so, I'm sorry I'm not that.

I see you;
I see you in every little detail
Of the sky, of the trees,
Of the land, and of the seas.
You make yourself known to me
In books and through people.
I see you
And you are beautiful.
Beautiful in that way
That is strong and fierce,
Yet, also, kind and sweet.
You are beautiful in the sense
That you are lovable and to be feared,
All at the same time.
I see you and you give me a peace
That I have never had before.
In the midst of all this turmoil
I see you and I feel calm.
I see you;
And that is enough.