What changes a woman from being just a hookup for ***,
to a girlfriend or a wife?
Pregnancy? No. A job? No?
Their own place? No. A car? No.
A college degree? Yes? Sanity? Yes? No Substance abuse issues? Yes?
No childhood *** abuse issues? No? A bank account? No?
Being too old, fat, & ugly? Yes?.....why?
I have what every other female has *****, a mind, a personality, a diet,
a high school education,
an interest in the opposite ***,
a type preference, an appetite,
a fragrance, an opinion, a fantasy,
a desire, a will, empathy, compassion, self control, will power, self respect & I'm careful.

Walking to the mailbox through the snow.
Mailing things I buy off eBay to work so my ex don't know.
I spend all my money on me.... So!
I am glad back to California I go.
In my new clothes I look so radiant I glow.
I will never again be your ***.
Your morals in life are so low.
Low life with junk cars that get towed.

Goodbye wither & die.
I promise I won't cry.

You tried to strangle me to death.
Because your addict *** smoke ****.

Be alone.
I'm done pretending we had a home.

You are a bad guy.
I wish we never had met or said. " Hi".

I found someone better after I left you.
Someone you never knew.

A chance with me you forever *******.
A portrait of a better future I wrote & drew.

I'm scared to do a *******.
But daddy says it will be fun.
He knows I'm not a lesbian or bi-******.
He is in charge that is no bull.
He says she is not that pretty but is not butch.
Her I do not want to lick or touch.
I wonder if he'd still like me as much.
He likes to do weird stuff.
He knows I like it rough.
So I guess I will play along.
So new friends I can make & belong.
He wants a master slave relationship.
Wants my hands tied behind my hips.
He said he also wants me to watch.
He said she'd show him what he's taught.
He wants me to get drunk first.
Would that be better or worse?
I guess I will be ******* naked.
Do I even get a blanket?
It's his fantasy.
So I guess we will have to see.
I will try to be how he wants me to be.
I don't care if he slaps me.
Because it won't be hard, the motel ain't free.
I wonder if we'll spend the night.
It will be a strange sight.
The three of us in one bed.
What is wrong with our head?
I guess I have lost my mind.
In time I did find.
He said with me he would take a bubble bath.
I guess to share him half.
Is better than not at all.
He always texts & not calls.
It's better that way.
He knows with him I want to stay.
I don't like hearing my baby voice.
Choosing me was his choice.

I hope I get picked at this hiring event.
So I can move out of here & pay my own rent.
A miracle would be heaven sent.
By a saint only a devil could taint.
Tomorrow i am giving my cat to the shelter.
His love is not as it were.
Because he scratched my nose.
It bleed like being pierced with a thorn from a rose.
The trust is gone.
To be adopted by someone who don't like to cuddle.
Abandonment is not subtle.
Cats don't like to be held against their will.
Or intentions to harm you they will.
They feel threatened by restraint.

No  more kisses.
Just growls & hisses.

Today I saw a rainbow.
It made the sky glow.
The clouds were dark.
Neighbors dogs bark.
It was sunny but it rained.
My stress was strained.
Looking for work in this town.
Wasting gas all around.
So far nothing I found.
I applied at 3 places online.
If they pick me it will be mine.
Then I can live just fine.
At restaurants we can dine.
I will have to see.
Who or what I will be.
Hardships when your not chosen.
Present moments stop & are frozen.

Traumatized by the vision of death.
I can't eat or rest.
The vermin carcass on the porch.
Was disgusting filth to be torched.
My mind can't erase the horror.
She put in the trash near my car.
The blood on the kitchen floor...
Within the side door.
I screamed in shock.
My phobia she mocks.
What a sick New Year surprise.
Of the rats torturous demise.

On the windows cool air forms frost.
In the fog I feel cold and lost.

Through the forest the trees dance.
Freedom I will have the chance.

To escape from this captivity.
Independence I can feel & see.

Walking bare foot without a path.
I will not suffer the wrath.

Goosebumps cover my flesh.
With no warmth to caress.

Wandering directionless in the woods.
Eatting whatever I could.

Nothing to wear, eat, or drink.
To dehydrated to speak or think.

No human contact here.
I didn't even see a deer.

Staggering & stumbling.
Mumbling swears with my belly grumbling.

An endless abyss.
Hopeless in granting my wish.

No one can find me.
My radar is not to be.

Barely surviving.
Existing but not thriving.

Mindless panic sets in.
Fear of death will win.

No help will come.
A fate you can't out run.

Solitude forming delusions.
A spirit's pollution.
Brainstorm a solution.

The sun shines on the trail.
To follow or fail.

Wanting to connect.
Rejecting the neglect.

This suffer you can not forget.
To be saved will I ever get.