I'm crushed
By the weight
Of my own
Imperfections
I'm not
Sure what
I really
Expected
But it wasn't
This
I didn't
Want to
Come back
I didn't
Want to
Be here
Choking down
Compliments
That I know
Aren't true
Trying not
To cry alone
In the corner
Of my room
If nothing
Around me
Will break
Or bend
Then I
Suppose
I will

It's a soft whisper in the wind
Longing for a home
That doesn't yet exist
Tracing to myself
A lovely lash of lines
Roots growing out to darker tones
We're growing all the time

We're just two lonely people
Connecting across time and space
Over something
Something
That doesn't really matter
Tis a tale as old as time
The roles of you and I

We're probably be good together
You say
From deep beneath the subtext
I sit and nod
Hundreds of miles away
Check my feed
Waiting for my own response

I encourage you
Awkwardly
Because you're the man with the deep voice
You would normally be in charge
But not here
Not today
When we're two anonymous silhouettes
Dancing in the dark

I don't love you
Lonely stranger
But maybe I'll tell myself
That I do

She's something
So tall and
So pretty
They say that she's skinny
And so special
With big dark eyes
And crooked smiles
Yes she's just
So pretty
If only she
Could see the things
That everyone else sees

But even if she isn't
It's okay
Because she's strong
She can hold her own
In a fight
She doesn't back down
She doesn't give up
She survives
The worst fights
She tears herself apart
Then picks up all the pieces

End of the road
So they say
A cliff's edge
Nothing below but
The frothing sea
Waiting on a whim
To be blown away by the wind
Never knowing what you'll see
That your last breath could be your first
That there's a million stars out there
All glistening
Like the tears on your mother's face
When she watches your coffin
Lowered into your grave
The dew droplets
On the front lawn
Of a little house somewhere
Home to a girl and her dogs
A girl who survived the fall

Rain drums on roof tiles
And I feel strangely happy
My heart is shy and keeps quiet
But right now, leaps forwards
Dreams of plaid couches
And carpeted dreams
I'm content, again
In my own head

The anxiety hasn't been this strong in a long time
Hasn't been so overwhelming
Since I knew that I could leave you

You're one of two paths
Rough and sometimes rewarding
But does it ever end
Away from the heartache
I can't see around that bend
Maybe I never will

The other option is out
Taking steps to undrown
And do I want to
Do I want to
I don't want to leave you behind

It's been so long since I've been so crushed
By someone who knows they're a noose
I can't decide if I want to live or die
Anymore

You're so serious
I can barely read your lips
Never laughing and never ending
Contemplation of everything
I wonder
When you'll laugh
And if it will light
The whole world on fire

Long night of flashing lights
Dark bridges
Your feet and mine
Tangled together
While we pass over wet pavement
Do I miss you yet?
As rain trickles down
Heavenly tears
Wet my face
Wash away my fears
Time is sand
Dripping through my hands
I will sit here awhile before I
Return to you
Meet me at the edge
Of the field where we met
I’ll see you a thousand times again
A thousand quiet touches
Infinitely in your embrace
Feel your hands against my back
Do your fingers ink my skin?
Leave marks on me
Where you used to be
Please become real to me
I don’t want to forget this

Will there ever
Come a day
When self hatred
Doesn't seem so easy
And my body
Will be just another thing

I'm over him
But how can I be
When my hearts still skips a beat
Every time I pick up my phone

But my mind's moved on
And so has my soul
I'm done writing letters
On the margins of every
Biology paper
In blotted ink
Overlapping
Until they don't mean anything

For now, it is forwards
Until I find someone
To truly give me
A reason to pause

The last day I saw you, it was snowing
It was snowing in the middle of March,
which was weird
But even weirder, I was sitting at your table
The cool kid's table
All of your friends looked at me like I was a freak of nature
But I was your freak
They saw us laughing and cracking jokes,
but mostly staying silent
and they left us alone

I wonder if I'll ever forget that day
I've already forgotten the way you dressed
or whether or not you were wearing your glasses
But I remember the snow,
cold and silent as us
Falling down outside
It was still there when I woke up at three o'clock in the morning
to your breathing
To the fact that you were still laying next to me

I remember now,
your red and black sweater
I never got why people call those things sweaters
I always called them sweatshirts, or pullovers
But you'd assuredly call it a sweater
Just like I know you'd always baby talk your dogs
and chase after Emmett in your backyard
and dream of smoking ****
in your unattached garage
I'll never know why you picked me
Why you chose to stick around
When you could've easily left
Maybe it was my perseverance,
If you could call it that
I could never let you get away
I never wanted you away from me

Maybe I'll forget this all someday
When I'm older and greyer
But not quite grey
Living with the one I called my soulmate
The person I chose to believe
was meant for me
Funny, how I still keep thinking about that person as you
when the conversation never flows quite right
how we can't be left alone together
in an empty room
There'd be no fear of passion
We are as lifeless as fallen stilts
The abandoned remnants of some government project
But for now I'll say that I'll always think of you
And I will think of you
Your hair and your stupid smile
Everchanging but always signaturely you
I guess I'll miss the few moments where I felt at home with you
at peace with you
Because after this quarantine is over,
nothing will be the same

Would things be different
if we still talked?

Would I feel better?
Would all these disorders be gone?
Would I still be in love
with all there is to be?

Would you still love me?
Did you ever love me at all?
Will your body feel it when I'm gone?
What if my last dream of you
was the day you died?
What would you say
if I joined you?

Long tan legs
Too thick?
Too thin?
Trunks of trees and
Spindles of wildflowers

Curves and contours
Too much or
Not enough?
Trapped in a box
Of a body
While beauty has curves

Suddenly self conscious
Double over
Hands on my skin
Hide me

I'm a two toned picture
One second a lovely
And shapely girl
Then just a box
A shell with too much stomach
And two much thigh
Which is the real me?

Not side by side
But I carry your umbrella to our table
It's a promise you make
Something physical to prove that you won't leave
You won't leave
Not just yet
Maybe we'll still be here in spring
To watch the sunflowers grow
Dark faces turned towards the sun
While we turn our backs
Watch our shadows staining the lawn
I wonder
Will I see that house again
Dark paperwork and cursed words
Wonder if I'll touch your skin
Trace the outlines of your muscles
And make you shiver
Wonder where we go from here

Tired
Always tired
Eyelashes
Sting my eyes
Blinking is a pain
Honestly
Today
Early morning rising
No food
Before a blood draw
It must be good
Or else I'll never leave

At least there's birds today
A dog on the
Front porch
Sprawled out
Like my dreams
Dreams of going somewhere
Anywhere
That this isn't
I have those
To count on
To count up
And swallow
Like the pills
That I took
This morning

It's too early for this ****

I'm in a romantic mood tonight
Strangely soft and sappy
Or maybe I'm just
With the people I love
Talking and laughing and listening and growing
All tangled up
But no longer
A puppet of my emotions

Hopeless
Helpless
I would do anything
To let you in
To let you know
That I feel your pain
I’ve been there
Same story
Same place
Crying out
To see the light
That isn’t there
But I’m by your side
So let me know
If there is anything
I can do
I think I’d do anything
To see you smile
Again

Thank you
For a good first year
Sure there were bad parts
Parts where I hardly wanted to be, but
All in all
I was not in pain
I did not suffer like I used to
You were the cause of that
And you are the end

Now I'm gone, baby, gone
No lost love between us
You were there
For my sophomore year
And that's all you'll ever be

I'm gone now
I don't love you or miss you
All those parties
All those 3 AMs
I don't regret them
But I hope they never
Happen again

We are nothing anymore
Not like we were ever much
I try my best to start a conversation
You brush away my words like flies
I don't know why I try
You stay here out of convenience
And frankly, so do I
I'm bored of you and your fickle moods
Indecisions and second choices
We don't dare to cut it off
Just keep on circling

I never did
Believe
I mean
I just didn't
I'm not the sort
To believe in
I'm just
On the cusp
Of unforgivable
Never pretty
And barely funny
More like laughable
At the best
Of times
But I'm older
Now
It hasn't changed much
But I guess
A few years
Can be more
Than it
Would appear
Because I think
That maybe
Those words
Might mean something
And the things
That they say
Are not to placate
Maybe I am something
Maybe I can create
As well as
Destroy
Perhaps somewhere
In the years
Of self destruction
I learned how to live

This isn't war
There are no bullets
Just blood
Seeping from the holes
And fueled by the heaving
Of broken breaths
Ripping through my sides

And this isn't hell
There is no fire
Only scars
Charred into my skin
Traced by the fingertips
Of those who loved me
Of those I left behind

I'm just a mistake
Don't belong to anyone
Broken
Misspoken
I wasn't supposed to be born at all
Writing this in the gym
Where I thought about slitting my wrists
It takes a while to realize
That while everything else changed
I did not
I'm the same thing
That wasn't supposed to survive

I can feel their eyes on me
But I don't see them anymore
I don't see anything
Space out frequently
I won't remember this in the morning
There's no point of living, I think
But it doesn't matter what I think

It's cold outside
And it smells like the sea
What if this what it
I died in a car crash
Rose up into the air
Swept away
By the salt in the breeze
I'd never be sad
But I'd never be happy

Bones of books
Stacked up on shelves
The scoured
And devoured
Doused in vinegar
Sterilized after the wrath
Leaf green lies
Stripped away by bleach
The world is clean
Scented with coffee
No wildfire romance
No breathtaking view
Just me and you
Imperfect fools

I don't know why I keep writing
I barely think I know you
You're just my confessional
At this point
I'll keep going
Knowing you'll never see this
You'll never read this
That's good
That's definitely good
Because I don't know what I'd say
If you said you'd read
Through twenty-eight days
Of the worst poetry
Known to mankind
That'd just be embarrassing
For both you and me
Part of me hopes
You never write back
I want to let this go
So I can freely wallow
In my current state of mind
But I can't do that
I'm not doing this for you
And I'm certainly not doing this for me
I guess I'm doing it
As some part of my deranged moral code
I need to prove
That I am something more
Than an empty shell
That the things I believe in
Are more than lies I tell myself

I don't know if I'll ever stop looking
If my heart will ever
Cease to skip a beat
Whenever the phone rings
Whenever I see your name
When something happens
Out of the ordinary

You're someone that I love
Miss
Trust
It's not pain, exactly
Just waiting
With the occasional pulse
Of realizing how much you mean to me

I'm so tired
So, so tired
So I'm going back to this style
One long sentence
Way too messy
To truly be
Much of anything
It's all I have
Right now

I don't know
What to do
About you
As much as I want you
I know
Oh how I know
That there's nothing out there
There's nothing for us
There's nothing in me
That matches up
To your missing
Puzzle piece

Maybe that's it
You aren't missing anything
Well I'm missing lots
Missing someone
With whom
I can truly talk
I've never truly had someone
I haven't even
Really come close
But I can dream
And I do
Just not of you

It's our music tastes
I suppose
I spend way too much time
Searching Spotify
For new music
A new playlist
Every week
And you're happy
Right where you are
Sixteen artists
You didn't get very far
But you're happy
Or, at least
Content enough to stay
Where you are
Maybe you're too scared to move
I get that too
Just not with music

I'm never done searching
For who I could be
Maybe I'll never finish
I'll just roam forever
Growing and changing
Shapeshifting
Never the same
From day to day
There'll be
No sense of consistency
Maybe that's what you need

I can't read minds
But I can read
And from what
I can see
We're different

What is too much?

I dreamt about you
Again last night
We finally met
In a worn down house
And I kissed you
Three times
How I wish
That had been real life

Lungs filling up
With blackened dust
Your heart is a crutch
For your hopeless
Romantic lust

And that's all
That you really are
A hopeless mess
Of honeydew scent
Matching stripes and scars

It's been over a year now
Soon to be two
And I'm still thinking about you
I don't really look for you anymore
I don't fantasize about seeing you as often
I'm moving on
To different things
But I still want to see you again

Would you even recognize me
With my short hair
And slightly different body
I picture seeing you on the street
In your jeans and t-shirt
Me in leggings and a Manson hoodie
Our eyes meet and you recognize me
Maybe we even speak
Exchange telephone numbers and
Arrange to see each other again

But plans fall through
And it won't happen anyways
I missed you by mere seconds
Maybe one more day
Just one more day
Would've been enough
But you had already lost me
I was already gone

Hideously underwhelming
I think I can see cave lights
Off in the distance
You radiate everything
Bad memories and
A cold, calculated concept
I shiver as you shake me
Slowly out of my corporeal body
Sending me to a new dimension
Surrounded by the light
Of a thousand almost fireflies
But it's a cold light
Nothing friendly or familiar
And ants are crawling
Up and down the bones of my spine
Reminding me
Of crisp October evenings
That find me slowly rotting
Dead with or without your love

I want to hate people
I want to hate the humanity
That has made the world what it has become
But there's something so beautiful
About the sun setting over a city
About a rainy day in a small town
About rooftops
And faint lights
Seen from across the river

I want to hate people
But whenever I see our world
Just a glimpse of what we are when the cameras aren't rolling
I fall in love again

I feel all the ways
You look right through me
Hunting so carefully
For the pieces of me
That you want to tease
Never quite responding
I get it, that you don't want me
So just climb through me
Treat me like your trellis
Grow all your beans
And morning glories
Up through the holes
That you've left in me

Things get better
They always do, with you
I know there's still plenty of time
To fall all the way apart
But for now
For now
Things could be worse

You're so broken eyed
Since I left your discord server
Puppy dog in a playpen
And a bonfire promise
Maybe I still care about you
More than I want to admit
I'll be there in your backyard
Taking in the sky
And soaking up the smoke

I guess things are still going after all
My heart keeps beating
And for now, so does yours
We're not in time but
We're talking again
That's enough for my hopes to climb
And my mouth to smile
Parted lips let the words fall out
We kept it closed until now
Now, you still see your other friends
But we're walking again

There's much about you
I adore
Your face
The way you smile
When I step
Into a room
Your buoyant laugh
That raises me
The wrinkles
At the corners of your eyes
Life is hard
But it's good sometimes
Most of all
I like about you
Is how when everything
Is falling apart
You pull us back
Together
Just enough
To keep me
Wanting you

Someday, I will get better
I have to.

It's a promise I made
On a cold day
Outside in the sunshine
I've talked about it a thousand times
I'll say it again
I will get better

I'll get better
Or so I say
As I bleed my heart out through my thighs
And count all my calories
For the thousandth time
Trembling from my favourite cold
Maybe just one more hospital
I will get better

So I cry in the living room
Reading books about the people
That did make it through
I cry about my future
And all the possibilities
That after all the therapy
I'll be a professional
I'll be one of the ones
Who didn't make it out
I will get better

Face buried in my pillow
Half hoping I wouldn't sit back up again
That I'll suffocate in the sheets
Where he desecrated me
That I'll never have to face
Another day where he looks at me
I will get better

And as we speak
I wonder if you still think about me
Do you see me in the moon
Like I always used to see you
Are you out there, sitting in your yard
Remembering cracked rubber chairs
The smell of disinfectant
The carvings under our desks
The screams muffled behind glass
What if you're dead
Or gone like the rest of them
I will get better

I want to get tattooed someday
Maybe it's masochism
Maybe it's self love
Covering up my scars or
Painting on my body
Showing myself that I am something that can be beautiful
Skin is canvas
In the sense that it weathers
Changes over time
Bears the cloth of the owner's actions
But it is not canvas
It does not exist solely to be impressed upon
Skin holds the soul
Binds together our flesh and bones
So what if I paint it
Blue and black and bleeding red
A pattern of roses across my chest
It's just another tale
Another consequence of my actions
Stitched into my physicality
Like freckles and moles and stretch marks
If it helps me love myself, then what's the point?

No one can fix me
I am not broken
Maybe bent and twisted
Warped beyond all
Hope of recognition
But my matter's the same
Nothing has changed
The same little girl
Who loved leopard print
The same preteen
Who dove in
The deepest end
The same little liar
Who said everything was fine
They share my face
I share their ways
That won't change
Until the day
That I'm lowered down
Laid to rest
Six feet underground
Everyone will
Leave me then

I want to go home
I wish I was
As sick as you

I'm missing this idea of you
The idea I had a while ago
I never really wanted anything
It was just a crush
A stupid, meaningless crush
But now I'm overthinking
Trapped inside dungeon walls
I built just for myself
I'm playing my own game
Unwillingly
Tears barely contained
Behind this messy and unconvincing facade
I wonder if my family is worried
Though I'm mostly worried for myself
Things won't get bad again
I'll sing myself to sleep
And fall in love with dreams
Of being with someone
Lying quietly against their shoulder
Rolling out my legs and
Falling asleep to bad tv

All at once
We can breathe again
But somehow
The same old
Suffocation
Will never
Truly leave
I'm begging you
Please
Just let me be
I'm fading
Like the wallpaper
In the palor
With the water damaged
Trim
And the moldering
Carpet
While the leaves swirl
I just fall down
A decrepit house
And things live inside
That you don't want
To see
I'm not pretty
So darling
Slide a chair
Under the handle
I only last so long
The demons keep
Biting
At the windows
And scratching up my glass
I guess that means
It's time to leave

My sweetheart
Black haired tornado
Never thought I'd write again
I've moved on to social commentary
But never on from you
Because you are my escape
At the end of this day
You are the only place I know I feel safe
Sitting here
On this rainy, rainy day
My mind wonders astray
I'm back to you again
Still wondering when

To feel the sun
On my skin
It's heaven
When the warmth
Of love
Caresses my scalp
I'd die
Gladly
In that moment

But nothing feels as good
As letting go
Knowing that enough
Is enough
Nothing is quite like
That creeping pang
Of hungry guilt
That eats away at
Everything
No amount of sun
Could ever equal
The rain
No amount of
Smiling faces
Could take away
The pain
Of a lonely mind
Nothing parallels
A broken heart
And a broken mind
Nowhere is as home
As the room
With the ragged walls

The mental torture
Struggling to stay
For just one
More day
Crying alone
Muffling the sound
Pressing others away
Pushing myself down
It's hell on earth
It's my great black cloud
My unholy hurricane
My mental rollercoaster
With the wheels
Lit on fire
And the safety bars gone
It's a death trip
But still a trip
And I wouldn't
Have it
Any other way

You make me happy
You make me feel alive
You are the antithesis
Of my dead end
You're fiercer than a pack of wolves
My love
You'll go great places someday

im sick
blown full of holes then
congested
heat and cold
are my sun and moon
the night and day
a switch flippedv within seconds
the whole nine yards\
but the only yards of mine
are the tendrils of sickness
laid out like racetrack down my tongue
into my inner systems

Broken days

Living in a daze

Thinking that maybe

If I went to space

The vacuum would ****

All the air out of my lungs

I could be happy then

Pale lights
Strike down around me like moonfire
I wonder how they're doing
I wonder how they're doing

Will my words someday
Be enshrined in the tombs
Of thousand letter books
Where will I be then

And will they embalm me
In book awards and fame
I don't think so
I'm not all that much
I''m not all that special

Winter time
We all fall outside
Laughing and tumbling
Running
Vivacious and brilliant

Cold air bites my neck
You’re warm
With legs bare
Arms out wide
But I’m scared

Sun moves quickly
We sit on the floor
Rolling, rolling
On the edge of things
With people I don’t recognize

Teeth glint with sun
Goosebumps on arms and legs and skin
Boldness blossoms
I change my mind
You enter The Louvre